Is this an overreaction?

LegacyUser

Hi, posted a thread a few months back asking was it a bit soon to date after coming out the wrong side of an engagement . Anyway I decided to join a dating site and went on one date shortly after that post and even though it went well and she really would have liked to see me again I decided I was still a bit too raw and all over the place emotionally.

Move on 3 months to where my head is in a much better place. Went on a date a couple of weeks ago, nice night but didn't see it going anywhere.

Finally arranged to meet up last week with one girl that I have been touch with the last 2 months by text though just chatty and sarky, nothing too personal. Was a bit dubious about it as didn't really know anything about her despite talking for two months. Anyway had a great night and arranged to met at the weekend for a bite to eat and drinks.

So again went well, two of us got fairly p*ssed over the course of the night and ended up snogging. So far so good. Now I get a text from her last night saying she'd been looking at a dating site over in a friends house and my profile came up saying I was online. Started getting really p*ssed off saying was I a player, what was I trying to do, keep my options open?

I told her it was an old profile from a few years back from the first time I'd tried online dating (how I actually met my ex-fiancee) and that I'd got a mail two weeks ago for a trial offer to renew membership so I'd gone on and updated my profile. I was checking my mail yesterday and saw an email telling me I had new mail from another member so went onto the site to check it.

That's it basically in a nutshell. I explained as much without trying to be defensive as to be honest I don't think I should have to be after two dates. Up until the texting last night which went on til 1.30am when I finally turned my phone off I really liked this girl. I'm not sure though if I am being a dick here?

It's been a few years since I dated anyone but the girl I was going to marry. This is the third girl I've met since then. She told me she's been on loads of dates, more than one a few times with the one person so to be honest I wasn't sure if she saw me any differently.
I got the impression from her texts last night that we were now exclusive? Didn't say it as such but by her reaction to seeing my profile we might have been together a few years. Feel like I've just been caught by my OH trying to get a bit on the side which I've never in my life done. I shouldn't have to feel that after two dates should I?

Maybe it would have led to a relationship naturally, I was enjoying my time with her, wasn't meeting her just with a view to getting the leg over but think this has sort of ruined it. I know she's still got her profile active on the site I met her on plus a profile or two elsewhere from what she told me. I have no problem with that as frankly for the moment I didn't see that as any of my business! She did ask on Saturday if I had any other profiles to which I replied no. Only remembered a while later that I'd updated my old one the previous week but wasn't sure how to say it as the moment had gone. Didn't really think it that relevant anyway as I hadn't looked at it since updating it.

Anyway sorry for the long post, if you've managed to read it all cheers. Just a bit confused here, still trying to find my feet and reintroduce myself to society in general after a horrible 6 month period in my life. If I've gone on a few dates with someone is it wrong for me to still be looking at dating sites? I've no idea at the moment and wondering if my moral compass has gone askew? I know if I'm with someone and we've made it clear that's the case I would be seriously p*ssed off if I found that out but I didn't think that was the case.

MagicMarker

Yes it's an over reaction, she's a child, forget about her.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

she'd been looking at a dating site over in a friends house and my profile came up saying I was online. Started getting really p*ssed off saying was I a player, what was I trying to do, keep my options open?

She keeping her options open too then? tbh did'nt read it all, but from what I did read seems to be a bit of an over-reaction alright.

That said I also have to wonder why you'd renew your profile, when you were interested in a real life person, and she was into you.

Wait so you met her on a dating site? You still have a profile...and she still has a profile... what's her issue

Blimey.She's an odd one.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

Yes it's an over reaction, she's a child, forget about her.

I have to say that it must be so great to have such a black and white approach to life.

LegacyUser

So she was on a dating site and "just happened" to come across your profile...what are the chances eh?

Why does she have an issue with you having a profile on a dating site when so does she? What was she doing on a dating site herself if not looking for let me think.....a date?

over-reaction..yes mate.

SarahSassy

Well, my tuppence worth is that she is showing all the signs of being needy, insecure and domineering. You barely know the girl. Maybe she is upset cos she feels you lied to her and doesnt know the truth there but in any event its none of her business. You two are not an item and to be honest, if the situations were reversed I would run a mile for a guy who acted like that.

Move on and meet someone nice and without the high drama.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well, my tuppence worth is that she is showing all the signs of being needy, insecure and domineering. You barely know the girl. Maybe she is upset cos she feels you lied to her and doesnt know the truth there but in any event its none of her business. You two are not an item and to be honest, if the situations were reversed I would run a mile for a guy who acted like that.

Move on and meet someone nice and without the high drama.

OP here. Thats what I was thinking though up until last night she never gave that impression. Part of the reason I liked her was we were just sort of moseying along at a nice amble, no pressure either side. I told her on our first date that I was meant to be getting married and it had been a really bad breakup. I know, probably not what you should say on a first date, I tend to be fairly honest though and wanted her to know that I was taking things slowly.

When I told her last night I had updated the profile before I met her she said we had been texting for two months, do I just quantify meeting by actual dates? I turned my phone off after that cos I had already said I needed to sleep (she wasn't working today and it was 1.30am).

My answer would have been yes though, two months of a couple of texts a day is not a relationship to me. To be honest I'm a little uneasy about the whole texting before meeting thing anyway. Exchange numbers the day before so you don't walk past each other on the night maybe, but it just seems weird texting someone you don't know. Having said that I liked her humour, was just a bit uneasy meeting eventually as realised I didn't really know her. Turned out she was a warm and friendly person, a lot different from her "virtual" persona and I was pleasantly surprised.

She said last night that she had really liked me and is now confused. I would have understood her mentioning she had seen the profile, what's the deal? in a joking manner or whatever if it bothered her, would even then have been a bit uneasy. Some of the questions last night were like an interrogation. Like it says here you were online at this time? This profile popped up and it said do you want to chat? (I had no idea what she was talking about there as I hate those IM chat things). Really felt like tabs were being kept on me and I was being asked to defend myself. All I did was check my messages when I got home and then was watching a film for the night. Went to text her after that and saw her messages.

Decided anyway even before posting this that I'll let it go. Haven't texted her since as I don't see why I should have to justify myself. A few months down the line if we were exclusive yes I could totally understand, but this early has just freaked me out a little. Just been a good while since I dated and trying to remember if things always move this quickly. It's a pity as I did really like her and if things had continued the way they were going think something good might have come out of it. Better to find out now though then 6 months down the line when I get a drink poured over me for talking to my attractive cousin

Taltos

Sounds like you have had a rough ride with the engagement.
Surely this girl can see that you would like to meet a few different people first and not just jump into another long term relationship.

It does sound like she really likes you though - hence she is so upset and maybe feels betrayed by her perception of you "playing", however it seems like you got on ok.

Maybe give it another shot - but you really have nothing to apologise for or explain. Just cause you went out does not mean you are committed 100% just to her - not unless you have both explicitly expressed that preference.

Millie

Jaysus way too much drama after two dates.
Sure I'd be a bit peeved if I were her but I wouldn't even dare utter a word for fear of sounding/acting like a psycho.
You haven't done anything wrong & she shouldn't have assumed you were doing wrong.

SarahSassy

She has no right to ask you where you were or what you were doing. Op its not worth the hassle...

LegacyUser

Your situation sounds quite similar to mine. I posted a thread here about it just yesterday:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055540400

Very similar in fact. I've met a girl just twice and things seem to have got very serious, very quickly. At first it seemed nice and relaxed. Texts and phone calls. Jokey and just taking the pi$$ really. Met her a second time and spent the best part of a long weekend with her. Enjoyable and I'd planned to step back for a week or two as we'd spent so much time together so soon.

Well, she was ringing me again the next day and wanting to know when we'd be meeting again. I might have given her the wrong impression but I don't think things should be moving so quickly after 2 dates. Much like yourself, it felt like we were a couple already.
No matter what anyone says that's a bit soon to be committing, exceptional situations notwithstanding.

I told her I wasn't going to be able to meet her the following weekend and I got a bit of a guilt trip. Almost felt like I was being unfaithful.

So yeah, I would say that she overreacted somewhat when she 'found' your profile. You're not being a dick. You shouldn't have to worry about who you see or what you do at this stage. Just as you know it's none of your business what she does.

You could quite easily just walk away from this. These things are supposed to be fun at the end of the day.

Aloysius Flyte

I can see why she got annoyed.

She asked you if you had other profiles up on different websites and you said no. Then low and behold, there you are, on another website.

So from her perspective, she could logically come to one of 2 conclusions

1. You were lying to her
2. You put it up after your dates with her.

I can see why she is annoyed and she might think you are a player. The thing is, I think she has cause to doubt you. If she was on PI telling the story from her perspective, it would be fair to assume that people would think that your actions were a little bit suspect. She liked you, she was getting to know you and all her instincts are good, then from left of field this happens. I don't blame her for being confused. Her reaction might not have been ideal, but it is understandable.

Meet her and tell her the truth again (not via text), it is up to her whether she believes you. If not, so be it. Good luck!

crackity_jones

I can see why she got annoyed.

She asked you if you had other profiles up on different websites and you said no. Then low and behold, there you are, on another website.

I don't think the OP is questioning why she got annoyed; he's more bemused by her over-the-top reaction.

If they were doing a serious line and going out for a number of months then you could understand it. They've only met twice for god's sake. It's none of her business how many profiles he has online at this stage.

She could have kept it to herself and if the relationship progressed, and these profiles were still 'active', then she could hit him with both barrels. Right now they don't even know each other.

shellyboo

Two words, OP: Bullet dodged.

LegacyUser

OP run a mile from her. She obviously has control issues. Picture your life, two years down the line, two of you dating, her texting you saying 'You said you'd be home from the pub at 8pm...It's now 8.10. Where are you? Who are you with? You're fooling around on me aren't you?'

TBH she sounds immature. Find someone who isn't so clingy.

IrishLady

Girls react in different ways and from a girls point of view i can see where both of yas are coming from...but some girls would freak at that if they really liked you for her to react like that she must want something more with you like a relationship...
Even though its early days yet us girls can be freakish like that
If i seen something like that id freak also because i would think the lads a player just my opinion though...:)

Zaph

IrishLady, the default font is sufficient for posting on this forum, there's no need to re-format your posts.

Thanks

LegacyUser

OP here, just a quick update. Haven't initiated any contact since the last text I got off her the other night. Woke up this morning though and there was a text from her at 4am. Just said "I was drinking the other night as well as tonight". Knew she was going out last night as she'd previously told me, no idea what to make of it though.

Think might be just better off ignoring it. Feel crap about doing that, bit immature but think that maybe the residual effects of my previous relationship. Hated fighting and would try to sort things out rather than ignore each other. Keep having to remind myself that this isn't a relationship, maybe it could have been but think I'd be a bit stupid to ignore this type of thing so early.

Am I being a bit harsh or is it just common sense? My confidence as well as belief in my own judgement took a severe battering last year so questioning myself now. Always considered my judgement of people and situations was sound but just not 100% sure at the moment.

Sorry just using boards as a sounding board (excuse the pun) at the moment, sort of know what I'm going to do.