She is going to be there tonight......

LegacyUser

My X broke up with me back in January and if I am being honest with myself, I am still pretty bitter with the way things ended.

I have managed to avoid her till now as we have the same group of friends but we are all heading out tonight together and she is going to be there.

I’ve avoided her until now because I’ve wanted to let her know how I feel and how much she hurt me (as I didnt get a chance to do this when she broke up with me) but also I know if I do this, that it will make things very strange among us and our friends if I get that hot and bothered about it.

What I am really looking for is advice on how to deal with not getting to bother with her tonight. Also, any tips on how I should act/dress are welcome (i’m a guy in his early twenties)

Lads and Girls advice is welcome….

Thanks

LegacyUser

Dont drink too much, keep a cool head and rise above it.

A social even is definately no place to have this conversation. It will, as you said, only make things awkward for your friends and yourself in the future. If you can get through this then thats the hardest bit over.

I would suggest being polite, say hello to her but leave it at that. She has no right to expect more and you don't have to give anymore. Be confident, have fun, show her that your moving on with your life and are happy would be the best thing you could do.

If you really need to have it out with her then arrange a time when you can sit down in a non alcohol fuelled enviroment and have proper discussion. Do you really need to do this though? Is there another way you can vent these frustrations?

LegacyUser

Don't bring it up this evening.

Say "hi" (smile) when you meet her but don't go beyond that.....

Let her come over to you and talk if she wants.

Otherwise go out and enjoy yourself.

Bringing anything up with her will make it look as if you've been stewing on it for months...... leave it for another day when you can have a more rational conversation about it, maybe over a coffee...

That's if you think it'll make you feel better - sometimes those big chats just aren't worth it though, no matter how much you think they are. I've been there and would rather in retrospect, have never said anything (unless it was a long term serious relationship).

SarahSassy

Good advice above. Dont drink and dont get into it with her. Say hello to her if you have to but you owe her anything more than commen decency and politeness.

Nice shirt and jeans will be ideal.

SS

PS stick a smile on your face for the evening and do not let it waiver. You may feel like an eejit but keep it there no matter what. Happiness is the sweetest revenge.

partyguinness

Watch your alcohol intake....

Taltos

Unregistered wrote: »

Dont drink too much, keep a cool head and rise above it.

A social even is definately no place to have this conversation. It will, as you said, only make things awkward for your friends and yourself in the future. If you can get through this then thats the hardest bit over.

I would suggest being polite, say hello to her but leave it at that. She has no right to expect more and you don't have to give anymore. Be confident, have fun, show her that your moving on with your life and are happy would be the best thing you could do.

If you really need to have it out with her then arrange a time when you can sit down in a non alcohol fuelled enviroment and have proper discussion. Do you really need to do this though? Is there another way you can vent these frustrations?

Wish I had received that kind of advice a few yrs ago.
Did the complete opposite - put all our friends in a bad place - they had to choose sides...
Do everything stated above - and do not give into any temptations to vent or reply in kind - so even if you are sniped at - best bet is to ignore it - show just how little that person means to you.
Other than that - have a great time with your real friends and put it all down as a bad dream.

r3nu4l

Yup, watch how much you drink and don't let your mouth run away with you!

Also, be prepared for her to bring a guy or be chatting up a guy.

I'm not saying she will...but some people like to play games in these situations. She may think that by flirting with someone in front of you that she's showing you that she's moving on and getting over it but don't rise to the bait. If it's affecting you just make your apologies to your friends and leave quietly. Don't storm out. Just say to one of your friends 'Look, I can't really handle this right now, I'm going to bow out for the night, enjoy the rest of the night, chat later!'.

That way your friends will get the message that you are hurting and you leave with your head held high.

Good luck! I was in that situation for a while many years ago and it hurt like hell! If it's any consolation, I'm well over it, married to a woman I absolutely adore and am very happy with life right now

Once again, don't drink too much!

jellie

as others have said.. mind how much you drink. if you get drunk youre far more likely to let her know your true feelings.

be polite, say hello, but dont bother being overly friendly. make a point of having a good time & try enjoy yourself, but if you cant then at least looking like youre having a good time.

hope it goes ok, these things can be really tough.

LegacyUser

Thanks all,

reading those commenst alone makes me feel better about tonight

Milkey Bar Kid

Keep talking to the Ladies . You might have her back by the end of the night

partyguinness

Best bet is to be polite and cordial and do it at the start of the night and get it over and done with.

Then spend the rest of the night having fun and keeping a wide berth from her..I guarantee she will be glancing over at you every so often so try not to catch her eye. she will preceive that as you thinkin about her...

Showing her that you are happy and have moved on is the best revenge...:)

SarahSassy

Milkey Bar Kid wrote: »

Keep talking to the Ladies . You might have her back by the end of the night

Dont bother she will see through that strategy... A big permanent grin and plenty of laughing will annoy her more. She prob thinks you are still devastated and while you are the smile will throw her.

bored@workagain

well what i would do 2 nite is first of all look as daper as u can ... then when u hit da pub or whatever cruise in as confident as u can head up and take ur place where ever you want(i would advise 2 be thinkin the second u see the table from entering the bar to know where ur goin 2 sit and talk 2 first) a girl would be a great option then have da best nite ever talk 2 everyone laugh as much as u can and dont talk 2 her, if u catch her eye give her a big smile and a hi and then get back into the conversation ur havin, and she will then approch at some stage tell her its fine what happened and ur over it (even if its a lie) and ul get a fone call some time soon... show her what she is missin out on
I imagine that this approch is not for everyone but whats da alternitive get sh#tfaced and start abusing her infront of everyone then shes gone for ever....
Best of luck...

morrowa64

Get your dancing shoes on, fill your belly with beer, grab the first woman you see that looks half decent and show your ex what she's missing....good luck brother:D

Wibbs

SarahSassy wrote: »

Dont bother she will see through that strategy... A big permanent grin and plenty of laughing will annoy her more. She prob thinks you are still devastated and while you are the smile will throw her.

+1 and she will see through the strategy, unless of course it's not a strategy and you're geniunely chatting someone up. Though I suspect you're a bit away from that stage.

+1 to the low level drinking. IMHO if she tries to get you to "talk about things", don't. She's looking for this "closure" guff for her 9 times outa 10. It's not your job to give her closure anymore as you're not her partner. If she wanted anymore than that you would know. So as I say in my humble don't get drawn into that. If she does start overtly throwing herself at some bloke or blokes, that's to make herself feel better, show her peers she's moved on and to make you feel worse. See it for what it is and don't fall for that either.

Just have fun, dress well, have a laugh, mingle etc and if you do bump into her, just pretend in your head that she's a stranger that you're not that interested in and just be nice to her, but move on.

Amazotheamazing

bored@workagain wrote: »

well what i would do 2 nite is first of all look as daper as u can ... then when u hit da pub or whatever cruise in as confident as u can head up and take ur place where ever you want(i would advise 2 be thinkin the second u see the table from entering the bar to know where ur goin 2 sit and talk 2 first) a girl would be a great option then have da best nite ever talk 2 everyone laugh as much as u can and dont talk 2 her, if u catch her eye give her a big smile and a hi and then get back into the conversation ur havin, and she will then approch at some stage tell her its fine what happened and ur over it (even if its a lie) and ul get a fone call some time soon... show her what she is missin out on
I imagine that this approch is not for everyone but whats da alternitive get sh#tfaced and start abusing her infront of everyone then shes gone for ever....
Best of luck...

Great advice, if you can't handle it, find a reason to leave, have a friend ask you to head to the chipper with him, or some other excuse.

Sad and all as it is, it a situation like this, all you can is act indifferent to her. Do not (as I frequently used) drag your ex into drunken conversations, never, ever ends well. Be prepared to see her flirting with your mates, I don't know why women do it (I have many theories on it though) but at some point she will be flirting with guys who should know better. Stay cool and don't let it get to you, if you have to leave, leave.

bubblewrap

Good luck tonight, I agree with the alcohol situation, switch beer with soft drinks every now and again. If you are still hurting, the worse thing you can do is drink.

Don't try to be overly happy because it will look false, just concentrate on having a chat and a dance with your mates. If you see any women you like, feel free to chat but nothing else, you don't want to make her think you are doing it for her benefit.

Just be yourself, it is her loss.

Communicator

Can I ask OP, if you thought of NOT going tonight?

I know some people might think it's a form of 'giving in to her' as in why should you not go?? But sometimes it's actually better if we don't put ourselves in these situations to start with. I mean look at the stress you feel already, and you haven't gone out yet.
If it were me, I probably wouldn't go because I would not want to knowingly, put myself into that situation.
And if I really wanted to talk to my ex and explain how much I'd been hurt etc, I'd wait until there was absolutely no alcohol involved and no one else around. Just the two of you, so you can say your piece and she can hear you.

LegacyUser

Just be cool and detached likes James Bond .
Act as on a normal night out ,if you lose your cool you will have lost all your power, you'll just look like a loser man.

And by the way have a fantastic night.

LegacyUser

Communicator wrote: »

Can I ask OP, if you thought of NOT going tonight?

I know some people might think it's a form of 'giving in to her' as in why should you not go?? But sometimes it's actually better if we don't put ourselves in these situations to start with. I mean look at the stress you feel already, and you haven't gone out yet.
If it were me, I probably wouldn't go because I would not want to knowingly, put myself into that situation.
And if I really wanted to talk to my ex and explain how much I'd been hurt etc, I'd wait until there was absolutely no alcohol involved and no one else around. Just the two of you, so you can say your piece and she can hear you.

Well you see, a mutal friend from abroad is coming to see all of us and he really wants all of us out, so i can't abondon him for the weekend.

Wibbs

Communicator wrote: »

Can I ask OP, if you thought of NOT going tonight?

I know some people might think it's a form of 'giving in to her' as in why should you not go?? But sometimes it's actually better if we don't put ourselves in these situations to start with. I mean look at the stress you feel already, and you haven't gone out yet.
If it were me, I probably wouldn't go because I would not want to knowingly, put myself into that situation.
And if I really wanted to talk to my ex and explain how much I'd been hurt etc, I'd wait until there was absolutely no alcohol involved and no one else around. Just the two of you, so you can say your piece and she can hear you.

I can see where you're coming from, but...OK I'll likely get roasted for this and people can call me an unreconstructed Neandertal if they like, but I'm not going to lose much sleep over it.

OP are you a man or a mouse? That's what it boils down to in my humble.

Seriously, I mean we all have to go through crap we don't like or are afraid of, but there comes a time when you just bloody well go ahead, bite the bullet and do it. This situation in the grand scheme of things is at most uncomfortable. It's not exactly being dropped behind enemy lines with a knife between your teeth. Hell it's not even close to going to a dentist and getting one of those teeth pulled.

You got dumped and rejected by this woman. Ok, not nice. Not nice at all and can take time to get your bearings again, but it happens. It happens to us all at some time or other. There was likely two sides to it anyway. If you learned from your part to play in all this, then great. Kudos to you as it'll help you next time out. You don't need "closure" or any of that guff, unless you want to be a future guest on the Dr. Phil show. The only "closure" you need is that she left and that you learned something about yourself in both the good bits and the bad bits. Result.

Do not limit your social life because of this. Do not hide from it, face it. Face it and her and move on. She's just one of the many many women out there. One where it didn't work out for whatever reason. She left and it was right for her to do so as far as she was concerned.

Lets say, worst case scenario, you make a gobshíte of yourself tonight? Big deal, if you learn from it it's all good. I suspect you won't make a gobshíte of yourself though. OK there may be discomfort at times and your nuts will be in your throat walking in, but that'll pass too.

Nothing is to be so feared as the fear of what may happen, or the fear we build up in ourselves. Face it, feel better that you faced it, try and enjoy the night as much as you can, be nice to her if she does talk to you, but don't play into any closure BS that she may want. As I said before she lost the right to that when she left. The only thing she has a right to now is to be treated with the same respect and kindness any other person in the room warrants.

Trust me, you will feel better as a man if you go, regardless of what happens than if you don't go and sit at home moping. I guarantee it. Far too many, men (and women), run away from their fears and the crap they should go through in life to make themselves better people. Dont be one of them.

My2 cents anyhoo.

sam34

OP-just to echo what others have said - go out, have yourself spruced up and looking your best, and get out there and play a blinder. if you want to curl up and cry when you get home, so be it, but put on your brave face there.

dont approach her, but if she approaches you, day "hi how are you" etc, be polite and pleasant. DO NOT get drawn into a conversation about your relationship and how/why it ended. there is a time and place for that and this certainly isnt it.

and on no account should you get cold feet and avoid going out.

your friend is home fron abroad, you should meet him. dont let this woman interfere with your friendship. not going will tell her more clearly than anything else you could do tonight that you are still hung up on her.

good luck!