Unwanted advances

LegacyUser

I was lying in bed this morning, not quite awake yet and didn't think my boyfriend was either. We hadn't spoken or said "Good Morning" as we normally would so I thought he was still asleep. I was surprised then to feel him move across the bed and start making advances towards me, as I had given no indication of being awake yet either. I'm not in any way prudish but am someone who needs my space in bed while sleeping.

Neither of us are usually touchy-feely first thing in the morning so I was even more surprised to feel him press an obvious erection against my back. I was still half asleep and needed to stay that way, as I haven't been well recently and not sleeping very well as a result.

With that in mind, I said nothing and thought, seeing as we're both adults, that he'd realise I obviously wasn't interested in having sex. (When I am interested, he knows about it) Well he didn't realise. Or maybe he did and ignored my disinterest but anyway he continued to shove his erection against me 3/4 more times until I finally turned around and asked him why he was insisting in hitting on me when I clearly wasn't interested.

His reaction is what's bothered me most. He got very indignant and actually began criticising me for even daring to be annoyed with him. I explained that surely I had a right to sleep in my own bed without being approached for sex before I'd even opened my eyes but no, he didn't get that either.

I got upset, as he knows I've had a rough time recently and couldn't believe he thought it was ok to try and force sex and then have the nerve to get p1ssed off when it's not given to him. Anyway I lost my temper and shouted at him before leaving the room and slamming the door. Now I'm the baddie, the whole things a mess and I doubt he's going to approach sorting it out. I'd appreciate other people's thoughts on this please.

SarahSassy

Huge over-reaction.

He was making moves on you within the context of your relationship. He is not a mind reader and didnt assault you so get over it. Dont take your recent hard times out on him. I would be more worried the day he stops making the moves on you...

Katgurl

couldn't you have turned him down in a slightly nicer way? he was probably half-asleep too & having a dream; then he's woken up to outrage and accusations. i'm not surprised he's upset.

ManOfMystery

To be honest, this sounds a bit strange to me. Talking from personal experience, my gf and I can be lying in bed in any number of positions while sleeping - sometimes she's resting her head on me, other times I'm lying behind her with my arm round her, other times we're 2 feet apart. And sometimes one of us will waken up horny and initiate something with the other, other times we won't. That's the joy of lying together, we can get comfortable any way we like and not feel like 2 strangers lying in bed together.

My point is that in your version of events, it sounds almost like you have ground rules for when you're in bed together. I.e. if you want to have sex - you'll let him know. You must have space between you. You must have a right to sleep in your own bed without being approached for sex. It all sounds very regimented. Maybe I'm wrong, but I've read your post twice and that's the only way I can take it.

Now I agree that when you told him no, he shouldn't have been indignant - he should have simply accepted that you weren't in the mood. But c'mon - loosen up a bit and don't be so annoyed at him. The guy was sleepy, got a bit horny and chanced his arm - he is your boyfriend after all, it's not like some stranger approaching you. It's not the end of the world. Maybe he just felt like some spontaneous, fun sex without the ground rules which your post implies. There are numerous posts on this board from people in sexless relationships who would love their partner to find them attractive and still want to sleep with them.

GigaByte

He didn't try to force sex on you, he tried to initiate sex with you. I feel sorry for your boyfriend, you went way over the top!

Kirnsy

FWIW i think you reacted a bit badly which lead to his reaction.

being rejected by your girlfriend by her ignoring you cant be too good for anyones ego.
perhaps you should have explained like you did here, why it wasnt the best time for you to have sex.

easyeason3

I never realised how much my partner felt me up in his sleep until there was one night I couldn't go to sleep myself.
He's not a touchy/ feely person on an ordinary day & I don't wonder why. He gets his quota of groping in his sleep!
Maybe it wasn't the fact that he was trying it on but that it had more to do with a combination of things going wrong for you over the last while & you just happened to snap. But the fact that he tried it on gave you an opportunity to have a row???

LegacyUser

I think you definately over reacted. My boyfriend will wake me up like that most mornings (sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt! )
Unless you have a very clear official "no sex in the morning rule" I cant see why you are so upset? It sounds like he got more upset over the fact that you got so annoyed rather than turned him down. I know personally my OH would be super annoyed if i shouted at him for coming onto me.Not really a great way to start the day.

If you have however a strict no nookie morning rule,I think a wee conversation pointing that out would have been sufficient. Some people just do do mornings well and thats understandable. If I was you,I'd apologise for yourt reaction but explain that for future reference he's be wasting his energies in the morning

Make up,theres enough bad things happening around the world at the moment to be getting annoyed over your OH trying to have sex with you!!

Vegeta

You got annoyed at your boyfriend for making sexual advances on you when the 2 of you were in bed.

Bit harsh, no?

I think you could have handled it better and told him calmly and maybe sugar coating it a bit (because hey, its nice to be nice) that you were not in the mood but appreciated that he was still physically attracted to you.

Now your boyfriend could have been a bit more understanding but his reaction to your annoyance is a common one.

My thoughts are, that you were the cause of the argument due to your initial over reaction.

Terodil

Aye, totally OTT.

You could just have said 'Ah no, not now <whatever you call him>, please, not feeling like it' and the thing would have been out of the way.

You two need to talk, and definitely not in a 'what were you thinking' way.

puglover

TBH I think you are totally overreacting here and boyfriends reaction is perfectly normal.

With that in mind, I said nothing and thought, seeing as we're both adults, that he'd realise I obviously wasn't interested in having sex.

An adult wouldn't have ignored it, if you really didn't want to a simple. "Oh I really don't feel like it right now", or a jokey "it's way too early in the morn for that kind of thing" would have made your position clear.

(When I am interested, he knows about it)

So when you want it it's a different story then!! How would you feel if he rejected you when you intitiated it??

Does he need written permission before he tries to initiate sex with you?? He's your boyfriend ffs. And he didn't try to "force" sex as you put it. He simply tried to initiate it. And I don't blame him one bit for his indignance given your reaction.

Walls

Colour me crazy, but it seemed he didn't care if you were awake, asleep, eager or disinterested. I wouldn't say that was nothing. I would find that something to worry about. Has it happened before?

Chocoholic84

Woah, talking about making a mountain out of a molehill!

You are taking this WAY too seriously. If I reacted like that every time my fella did that, I'd be p!ssed off most of the time!

You rejected him pretty cruelly as well - although this bit I can kind of empathise with as I have done it the odd time myself - if you're tired and p!ssed off, the last thing you want to do indulge yourself in carnal relations

But you gotta remind yourself that they can't help getting the oul "morning wood" and of course they're gonna chance their arm!

Maybe next time, try to be nicer if you're not in the mood and say "I'm really tired, maybe later?" and give him a kiss.

Just don't go blowing it out of all proportion!

Fajitas!

I thought this was going to be about unwanted advances in the office or in the pub, but a couple in their own bed?

Overreaction indeed, if you were to 'let him know about it' and he turned away or ignored your advances, I'm sure you'd be at least some way hurt.

Funch o' Bucks

Total over reaction in my opinion...... he tried to have sex with you and you turned him down in an over the top way. You could have done it more subtly or perhaps said "not now, perhaps later". You say you didnt like his reaction well imho his reaction was due to you turning down his advances and he felt rejected.
Like others have said, many people would love for their partner to try it on with them so maybe you should just be glad that your other half is still "into you"

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

With that in mind, I said nothing and thought, seeing as we're both adults, that he'd realise I obviously wasn't interested in having sex.

Because of course everyone is psychic

(When I am interested, he knows about it)

Yeah? All on your terms? does he have to apply in advance in writing to get any?

Well he didn't realise.
...until I finally turned around and asked him why he was insisting in hitting on me when I clearly wasn't interested.

So you admit he didn't realise and then decided to proceed to blow it out of all proportion anyway

His reaction is what's bothered me most. He got very indignant and actually began criticising me for even daring to be annoyed with him. I explained that surely I had a right to sleep in my own bed without being approached for sex before I'd even opened my eyes but no, he didn't get that either.

...
You're completely way over the top, so much it's beyond funny.
Do you know how to have a simple interaction/conversation with your own boyfriend in bed? It goes like "hey honey I'm a little tired maybe later ok". There, no expectation that he's psychic, no room for lack of realisation, you can go back to sleep, he knows the story, everybody is happy. No hissyfits necessary.

If I were you I'd go apologise for overreacting and don't do that again. He's your bf. You're in a relationship together, sleeping in the same bed. You don't treat your bf with the same disgust and disrespect as if he was some random drunk stranger trying to paw you.
Do you normally act this way?

NewFrockTuesday

If I were you I'd go apologise for overreacting and don't do that again. He's your bf. You're in a relationship together, sleeping in the same bed. You don't treat your bf with the same disgust and disrespect as if he was some random drunk stranger trying to paw you.

Well put. I was trying to work out a way to verbalise the bolded above.

Theres diffferent ways of rejecting someone and yours was really mean to your bf. Poor guy must be walking around feeling like some sort of rapist today!

Get the glad rags on when you get home and make it up to him. Arguements about sex can be solved by sex

*Honey*

Have to agree with everyone else - major major over reaction. As a couple, you cuddle in bed and when things happen, they happen! You might not have been in the mood but you could have said "Not now honey, I'm trying to sleep" ... instead you sound like you bit the head off him! Totally OTT I'm afraid.

Sinall

Surely in a relationship there are times when both parties initiate things. It shouldn't be totally one-sided on his side or yours. You can't expect him just to be there ready and waiting for a bit of action when you are in the mood and he can't expect this of you either.

IMO, him trying to physically get close to his girlfriend whilst you were both in bed together is a normal, healthy thing to do! Surely you don't expect him to wait until you are have stated that it is in order until he tries to hug you/initiate physical contact.

I think you did over-react but that could be due to the fact that you haven't been well lately. Don't push your boyfriend away, imagine how rejected he is feeling now. There has to be give and take in relationships in all areas. Some "action" when you are both in the mood is such a brilliant part of a relationship and keeps things healthy!

I hope you sort it out - maybe figure out a more diplomatic way to turn him down in future, if necessary!

Wibbs

+1 to everyone else. There have been times in relationships where I wsn't up for it, or wasn't that pushed on just cuddling or any number of different things. I still did them, because to do otherwise is self centered. TBH if that happened once I'd be asking questions, but we all have bad days/times in our lives so cool. If it happened consistently or I was left feeling like it was used as a bargaining tool, or that I was grateful to get intimate with my partner that would be game over. If it looked like she had no clue why this would even be an issue, game over would not come into it. I'd be gone so quick her head would spin. Plenty of women out there, so replacement with a better one would not be an issue.

Yes you;ve had it rough recently and yes he should appreciate that. You should appreciate it's not all about you and he's no mind reader. If you had turned over to him and told him nicely you just felt icky or crap and sorry, he would not have had to be Uri Geller and he wouldn't have felt rejected. It's not rocket science.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies. I shouldn't have overreacted the way I did. I suppose, to put it in context, I probably snapped because I feel a bit under pressure recently to be having sex as often as we do. Under normal circumstances we're both happy to have a lot of sex but I've been under a bit of stress lately with exams, family issues and health problems. I know they're not my boyfriend's problems but he knows they're the reasons I haven't been feeling myself lately and that me not wanting sex as much has nothing to do with how I feel about him.

I explained how I felt to him last night so I was a bit surprised to have to go through it again this morning. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and the physical part of our relationship is great. But I totally understand when he's not in the mood. Yeah it's disappointing but I understand and leave it at that, I thought he'd do the same.

Yes we were in bed but we live together so we share a bed to sleep, not just to have sex. And of course I'm not upset by my boyfriend initiating sex with me (Christ, if I was bothered by that...) but I am a bit peeved that he kept persisting, especially when he wasn't interested in whether I was asleep/awake or even interested myself. I just thought it was a bit much for him to wake me up and start rubbing his erection over me when he knows I'm sick and under pressure with exams, family etc.

I will be holding back on the overreacting however. Thanks for all the replies.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, just speaking from experience here...I reacted the same way as you did with an ex I had a few years ago, completely bit his head off when he tried to have sex while I was still half asleep. The problem was, we'd been going out a couple of years before that and I was loosing interest in him physically for whatever reason and I was starting to resent even having share the same bed as him. It just got worse and worse.

Anyway, after this went on for a few more months and I apologised over and over again and telling him it would change (because I was too much of a coward to face the truth and end it) until one day, he went to kiss me in bed and I blurted out, "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!" and it all came to an end. I feel terrible with how I treated him in those last few months and 3 years later, i'm still apologising to him and because he's the loveliest man in the world, he says he's forgiven me but I'm not sure he really has. The difference between your boyfriend and my ex is that your ex is not willing to take that kind of c**P. Can you imagine how he is feeling? He's your boyfriend, he tried to have a little early morning ziga-ziga (perfectly natural) and you bite his head off. Put yourself in his shoes and maybe ask yourself truthfully why you reacted that way. I'm not equating my experience with yours but just letting you know that sometimes those kinds of over-the-top reactions are a symptom of a bigger, underlying problem.

And you should apologise before he starts resenting you.

partyguinness

Fajitas! wrote: »

I thought this was going to be about unwanted advances in the office or in the pub, but a couple in their own bed?

Overreaction indeed, if you were to 'let him know about it' and he turned away or ignored your advances, I'm sure you'd be at least some way hurt.

Christ almighty so did I...

He had an erection...he was thinking with his penis...turning into your g/friend in the moring is very nice and yes it doesnt automatically mean sex..but jesus...did you have to be so nasty to him?:eek:

Sometimes my g/f is in the mood and sometimes she isnt...and vice versa...as she has said before if I wasnt proding her 99% of the time in bed..she would be worried...

Terodil

Unregistered wrote: »

I explained how I felt to him last night so I was a bit surprised to have to go through it again this morning.

Fair enough. That's an important bit of info that we didn't have. Did you tell him exactly that you didn't want sex as often and wanted to reduce your activities? If yes, you could still have told him 'I can't, honey/darling/..., not now, we talked about this last night, sorry' instead of biting his head off.

If not, then read on.

Unregistered wrote: »

Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and the physical part of our relationship is great. But I totally understand when he's not in the mood. Yeah it's disappointing but I understand and leave it at that, I thought he'd do the same.

That's what still boggles my mind. You *allow* him to have sex with you when you want to, are disappointed at him when he doesn't want to, and bite his head off when he wants to but you don't?

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes we were in bed but we live together so we share a bed to sleep, not just to have sex.

So what signal system do you use to indicate when you have sex and when you sleep? Is there a traffic light on the wall above you?

Unregistered wrote: »

And of course I'm not upset by my boyfriend initiating sex with me (Christ, if I was bothered by that...) but I am a bit peeved that he kept persisting, especially when he wasn't interested in whether I was asleep/awake or even interested myself.

Obviously I wasn't there and have no clue what exactly transpired. From what I'm reading here though, you are still not taking the fact that your bf isn't psychic into account. He cannot read minds!

Unregistered wrote: »

I just thought it was a bit much for him to wake me up and start rubbing his erection over me when he knows I'm sick and under pressure with exams, family etc.

According to your original post, he didn't wake you up but you were awake before. Quote:

I was lying in bed this morning, not quite awake yet and didn't think my boyfriend was either. We hadn't spoken or said "Good Morning" as we normally would so I thought he was still asleep. I was surprised then to feel him move across the bed and start making advances towards me.

So what is it, exactly?

Besides, sex can be excellent stress relief!

Unregistered wrote: »

I will be holding back on the overreacting however. Thanks for all the replies.

Meh, I think your bf will expect/hope for an apology.

Now to soften what I just said a little bit, given the talk you had the night before, he could/should have been more careful. But meh... still hardly a reason for the reaction you showed.

Taltos

Yup - this was an over-reaction.

Wonder if we will all be reading a post from him asking the same question when he kicks your ass to the kerb.

However - everyone has a bad day - so just apologise for your reaction.
I too am one of those pesky gits - my wife has developed great methods for dissuading me - trust me - she needs them, as on occasion I am still asleep myself. But she has never ever reacted like you did, if she had - once maybe ok, but if she were ever to repeat it I do not think we would have stayed together.
Like your partner - I never know if she is awake or asleep - but when not in the mood her calm request to stop is always heard loud and clear - though her occasional cuddle does help to let me know she still loves me.

bubblewrap

My bf used to do that and it sometimes made me feel a bit used, no hugging first or anything, just wham bam but I hardly even get that now.

Just be happy he still wants you, even if you aren't in the mood.

LegacyUser

Thanks Taltos, I'm sure he's entitled to end our relationship because I didn't feel up to having sex with him once. After me explaining reasons why, which he then just ignored and continued on regardless. I intend to make myself available for sex at all times in future, despite how I'm feeling otherwise.

Anyway I'm grateful to hear other people's opinions but I'd appreciate if the thread could be closed now if that's ok.

Thanks for all the advice.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks Taltos, I'm sure he's entitled to end our relationship because I didn't feel up to having sex with him once. After me explaining reasons why, which he then just ignored and continued on regardless. I intend to make myself available for sex at all times in future, despite how I'm feeling otherwise.

That's not remotely what taltos said, at all. Did you read his post properly or see what you wanted to?
I'm starting ot wonder if you have serious communication issues?