Newlywed.....but not happy

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Just wondering if anyone has any advice. I've only been married a few months but I'm very unhappy. I love my husband but any spark that we had seems to be gone from our relationship.

There really isn't one thing that I can put my finger on that's making me unhappy, it seems to be a lot of smaller things. My husband has no idea how I feel and I don't want to tell him as I know it will break his heart.

I lost my job recently but I managed to get something else. I know I shouldn't complain and that I should count myself lucky to have any job at all but this new job isn't what I would be used to and the money is a lot less than I was earning previously. This has put us under financial pressure, we are coping but we don't have the spare cash that we did in the past, so can't go out as much etc. I don't want to sound ungrateful and I know I am luckier than most but this job is temporary and I'm not sure how long this will last and this is also worrying me.

Also, our sex life has declined dramatically. We are hardly ever intimate anymore and this is getting us both down. We have spoken about this a good few times and both of us have said that we will make more of an effort but so far this hasn't happened. Our sex life used to be great but now, when it does happen, it bores me to tears.

That's it really.... if anyone has any helpful tips, I'd really apprecaite it. As I said, I love him and I want to sort this mess out

barbiegirl

Take a deep breathe and now say after me "Life is not always a bed of roses". What you are describing is first the general lack of excitement after the big day, then you lose your job, then the new one is uncertain.
You need to take time out and make an effort. Some people hit a sticky point in the first year of marriage others it can be years but you will always hit one. Now is when you prove your love and respect for one another by working on your relationship.
Make time, make a date, go for walks, bring a sambo (and if it's not raining) have a picnic. Romance is not about money but about thought. Dance in the sitting room to your favourite song, snuggle up on the sofa and watch a horror with a bucket of popcorn.
The success of your marriage is in both of your hands. Marriage is not easy, it requires work.
Now if after all of this things still don't feel right, go to councelling and take it from there.

SarahSassy

Great advice Barbiegirl.

OP, you are lucky to have him and I am not being patronising when you say you have a lot going for you... Try to focus on the positives and I know you see them and as Barbiegirl said, bring the romance back for free - walks etc....

Its only a bump and you have your lives to look forward to. Buy yourself some sexy underwear even from Dunnes and give him a surprise when he gets home from work. Good luck.

prinz

Great advice from the first two.

Basically you have gone through a lot of major changes in the last while, some good, some not so good, you're bound to feel a bit confuzzled and bemused, even unhappy. Give it time, and let it flow.

Like most people you were probably envisaging a perfect start to married life, and it hasn't exactly panned out that way, one thing on top of the other, the financial situation and worries will effect the sex life, the sex life will effect the relationship....... like dominoes.Things will get back on track. Just try to work through it and not dwell on the negatives if possible.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I know I must sound like a right moaner and believe me after the previous relationship I was in I know I'm really lucky to have him. What's getting me down is the fact that we seem to have gotten really really boring just a few short months into marriage. I think to be honest we've just gotten into a routine which excites neither of us. We come home from work, have dinner and then just watch telly for the night.

So I'm going to take the advice that you've given below and work hard at breaking out of our boring routine by going for walks, date nights etc and by focusing on the positives....

Thanks again.

SarahSassy

You do come across that you love your husband and maybe post wedding blues have set in. The excitement before the wedding is a sharp contrast to living life in these recessionary times..

The reality however is that only you can change this. Why dont ye meet somewhere for food one night a week after work. It doesnt need to be haute cuisine and may only be for a main course but it would help to get out of the rut.

Likewise have a date night another night e.g. cinema, movie followed by SEX. Is you dont use it you lose it so get back into the swing of things.

You can also cook dinner with another couple every second week or something like that.

You are young, healthy and in love - make the most of it but proactivity is required on your behalf (and his too)....

LegacyUser

I can't agree more and am in a similar situation myself. Moved from Dublin to a small village in the west to be with the man I love. Had a job ready for me but lost it after xmas due to cuts. I have gone through feeling trapped, lonely, angry, worthless and depressed. At times I have even taken my fear and anger out on him. Here's the thing though....and I know it sounds a bit sugary and trite...You get out what you put in. And it's true. We've made some adjustments and we've started to have fun together again. We're almost having a competition to see who can find fun stuff to do at weekends for free. Spending a day laughing together (knowing your not bankrupting yourself!!) puts the spark back in.
Also, please don't neglect the sex....It's so important for closeness.

And remember...It can't be bad all the time...things will improve and you'll apprieciate the good times together even more because you've been through the bad.

sunnyside

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,
What's getting me down is the fact that we seem to have gotten really really boring just a few short months into marriage. I think to be honest we've just gotten into a routine which excites neither of us. We come home from work, have dinner and then just watch telly for the night.
.

What did ye do in the evenings before getting married that was more fun? Try and get back some of the old routine if it was much better.

Crannog

Post wedding blues seems to be rampant. All the thought that goes into the wedding but not enough about what the marriage is going to be like. The fairy tale always ends at the wedding but life, now that our life expectancy is longer, goes on for many decades. You and your husband will grow through many stages of life together.

What were your expectations of marriage? How did you see your life together working?

As a couple, what is the shared meaning in your life? What little rituals do you have to connect to each other? What roles have you carved out for each other? What personal goals and shared goals do you have to strive for? What do you do for each other to show your appreciation for each other? How do you allow yourself to be influenced by him?

The communication in your relationship is even more important than the sex. Sex is important but without emotional intimacy, sharing your feelings, beliefs etc., it is not enough to build a marriage on.

You say that your husband hasn’t a clue what is going on with you but surely he knows that something is up? It is possible to own how you feel without wounding him to the core.

I recommend heading to the library for some help on communication in the relationship. Low Cost Counselling is available almost everywhere. The good news is that it only takes one of you working on the relationship to see results. If you change he will notice and start responding differently too.

I wish you every happiness. And a new job too.

dreamer_ire

As well as spending better time together it might be worth both of you taking up seperate interests so it gives you something else interesting to talk to each other about.

All the above posts offer really good advice.