She cheated, did I deserve it?

croibhriste

Ok quick story, don't want to dwell on it too much.

Me and my girlfriend have been going out 6 years. I love her to bits.

We hadn't been really talking for a few weeks, not fighting but not talking if you know what I mean. Me being the cro-magnon that I am, I hadn't been aware that anything 'serious' was going on.

Went to a house party Saturday. Noticed she was being very distant, thought not much of it until I noticed her drinking a good bit and being shall we say 'overly playful' with another lad. (younger and fitter than myself - aren't they always :mad:.) Anyway, had a few drinks, noticed she was missing. Found her and him in a bedroom getting acquainted. Thankfully not very acquainted, but enough to drive me into a bit of a frenzy.

I've never been as shocked in all my life lads. What a bloody cliche to happen, eh? I've gotten the whole, 'its not you its me', 'Im confused', 'can we go on a break', etc.

My questions are...

1. Did I deserve it for not seeing it coming?
2. Is a girl who does such a thing worth having?
3. Can it ever get back to normal?
4. Why do I still love her?

Silverfish

Nobody ever deserves being cheated on.

Maybe she was 'driven' to it, maybe she did it to see 'if you really cared' or to see if you would react or do anything.

Whatever her reasons were, you need to decide now what YOU want, and try work from there.

Personally, that incident, plus 'I'm confused" plus "can we go on a break" would equal "better off without" to be honest.

*Honey*

I don't think anyone deserves to be cheated on. If a person is that unhappy in a relationship, then they should end it.

I was concerned about the fact that despite not talking for a few weeks, you thought nothing serious of it? Is that normal in your relationship? Is that a good thing? Personally that'd be a very very serious issue in my relationship but each to their own.

It sounds to me that your GF might have felt unloved and uncared for, probably ignored (seriously how can not talking for a few weeks not be a bad thing?) and so sought comfort in drink and then with another guy - bad bad bad idea on her part.

Do you really love her? How do you show it? How does she know you do? How does she know anything if there's no communciation?

Otis Driftwood

croibhriste wrote: »

1. Did I deserve it for not seeing it coming?
2. Is a girl who does such a thing worth having?
3. Can it ever get back to normal?
4. Why do I still love her?

1.No.If she had a problem she should have come to you however I will say you should have made an effort aswell.There is 2 of you in the relationship.
2.Personally speaking,no.Ye have been together 6 years though so you have to decide if its worth throwing away for a minor faux pas,only you can decide that.
3.Possibly,again,thats down to the 2 of you.
4.6 year relationship mate.

nomorebadtown

1. Did I deserve it for not seeing it coming? - no, not even a little bit.
2. Is a girl who does such a thing worth having? - no.
3. Can it ever get back to normal? - porbably not, thats up to you
4. Why do I still love her? - 6 years is a long time.

lilirish

No.
No.
No.
I have no idea.

Another fella..at the same house party you where at...no matter how little or much she was getting acquainted that is not on.

Abandon ship, she has other ideas.

Geranium

I guess you need to talk to her about it. If she loves you she'll apologise and show it, but she might feel you don't care enough either way about her.

She was probably feeling unloved and had had a few drinks, and just wanted some attention. Doesn't necessarily mean she thinks any less of you.

Talk it out and see how it goes.

Tails

I agree with Silverfish. I was caught by a cliche recently as well! :rolleyes: Pain in the ass isnt it?

But I guess its 6 years so its a long time. But personally if its gonna be a "break" make it permenant. Eventually things get better.

Shivers26

croibhriste wrote: »

My questions are...

1. Did I deserve it for not seeing it coming?
2. Is a girl who does such a thing worth having?
3. Can it ever get back to normal?
4. Why do I still love her?

1. No, nobody deserves to be cheated on. If one person is unhappy in a relationship then they should have the courage and respect for the other person to speak up

2. Have you spoken to her about why this happened? She may be worth having, of course but it could take some work to get things back to normal. The not talking thing is very strange. Do you mean not talking at all or not talking about anything particularly deep an serious?

3. Yes it could get back to normal of it what you both want. You need to think very seriously if you think you can move past this. One trust becomes an issue in a relationship it can easily fester and cause a break up. You both will need to be sure now that you want to be in the relationship and move forward.

4. You love her because you have been with her for 6 years, that doesn't just go away overnight.

I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I hope that whatever happens now, you will be ok. Love your user name by the way

nomorebadtown

yeah getting into bed with another guy at a house party at which her boyfriend of 6 years was present....she has zero respect for you. sorry dude.

croibhriste

*Honey* wrote: »

I was concerned about the fact that despite not talking for a few weeks, you thought nothing serious of it? Is that normal in your relationship?

I wouldnt say normal, but she wouldnt be the most able person at conveying anything serious if you know what I mean.

Have to admit, I'm bloody furious lads, I now no what my brother meant when he said...

" Women are like monkeys, they don't let go of 1 branch until they have a grip on the next"

Sorry if that offends anyone, its not meant to :rolleyes:

chickenhawk

I agree with what all the others have to say.

She has zero respect for you. If things were bad she should have talked to you. You did not deserve to be cheated on, noone does.

If it happened to me I'd walk away and delete everything about her from my life. Let karma sort her out. But you still feel you love her so it's your decision. Just don't the the idea of having to find and then start fresh with someone new put you off leaving. After a few months you could be happier. If you stay you'll always wonder what she has being doing.

ManOfMystery

Was she even apologetic?

username123

Agree with other posters thoughts and also think the relationship sounds unhealthy if you could go for weeks with no talking and no one questioning that - communication is key in a relationship.

Nervous Wreck

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Was she even apologetic?

I've been wondering that too. You don't mention anything about her reactions to things in your posts.

You haven't been communicating and she has been distant. One of these things is causing the other; which is it?

You noticed she was overly playful with some lad-did you interject? Did she react?

You caught her presumably kissing the lad and you went mad. How did she react to this? Apologies, tears, nonchalance?


Before anyone can advise you on how to save your relationship (assuming this is your intention), you need to tell us if there's something there to save.


Sounds like there's a lot of balls flying around and they're not all in your court, mate.



You have my sympathies though. Being cheated on is **** enough without walking in on it at a party. Chin up.

Taltos

I got same comments from an old gf yrs ago - granted together less than a yr.
Kicked her to kerb.
Never looked back - except to learn how to trust again.
She has gone onto breaking up 1 marriage, now in a failed marriage herself.

Your choice though - but your quote of her excuses sent a shiver down my spine - will be sleeping tonight with lights on and holy water by the bed.

LegacyUser

croibhriste wrote: »

" Women are like monkeys, they don't let go of 1 branch until they have a grip on the next"

I've heard that one many times.... I just wanted say that we're not all like that. Without a doubt there are many women out there like that, but by no means all of them. Personally, I've always had to leave a good amount of downtime between relationships, to centre myself and just be my single self for a while, and most of my friends would be the same - so it's not the case that all women need to swing from one to another. I can understand why you're furious - you have every right to be, there's no excuse for what she did - but don't give up on women, we're not all bitches!

croibhriste

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Was she even apologetic?

Yeah, she was apologetic... I didnt mean it, I was drunk, etc. etc.

Anyway, story is...

She said that she only meant to put things on a 'break', I told her that she was 'single in her head' when she did what she did and that if we went on a break, I cudnt go back. The suspicion would rip me apart.

Now she seems to want to 'get everything back to normal' but I cant help thinking that if she didn't go off with a random lad at a party, then we'd be broke up right now.

Is she trying out of guilt?

or

Has she done a lot of thinking and realised she's thrown it all away?

LegacyUser

OP I'm so sorry to hear what happened. It must be such an awful time for you.

My advice is that if you want to stay with her and work things out, you need to go to counselling as a couple. This is very important otherwise the reasons for her fooling around with the other lad won't go away and she'll just end up doing the same thing in a few years time if things get tough in your relationship again.

Do what you can to salvage the relationship (if that's what you want) but don't allow yourself to be treated badly.

Also remember that even though it seems impossible to fathom now, if you do break up, there is happiness to be found afterwards. It's never easy, but it's there.

All the best

Wibbs

croibhriste wrote: »

Did I deserve it for not seeing it coming?

Nope you didn't deserve the slap in the face. Not by a long shot, but I would say you should step back once in a while and work on any relationship. You need to learn the signs when it's going south and there are always signs. OK women do "subtle" more than guys in general, but you would want to be blind, deaf and dumb to not notice when things are getting stale. You did notice it, but did the common enough male thing of ignore it and it'll go away, The status quo is stable and my fave, "ah sure she loves me so she'd never do anything like leave me". Those three and the lack of insight into a partners mind is behind a lot of breakups. If I had a fiver for every time I heard a man go "but, but I didn't see it coming, it was out of the blue", I'd be a very wealthy man.

Is a girl who does such a thing worth having?

Yes, but maybe not for the particular man she does something like this to. Because his behaviour and attitude within the relationship, if not changed will likely cause the same thing again, unless he changes. That's only on his side too. She needs to change as well. She needs to express directly to the man, where her problems and frustrations with the man lay. Then if she does feel ignored she should leave him, not drop the hand on some randomer at a party they're both at.

Can it ever get back to normal?

Back to the status quo? Back to the way it was? Nope. That old relationship is dead. Now, this doesn't mean you can't build a new relationship with the same woman again, but as I said it takes work. On both sides and both sides must be willing.

Why do I still love her?

I'd put money you love her more now, or at least your focus is on her more now, because of this incident. Irony or wha? Hey the paranoid would even go so far as to suggest that beyond her getting a wide on over this randomer maybe she partially wanted you to see it, to express her frustration. Not exactly brainy on her part if that was the case. I mean she's either dumb enough to reckon that's a good way to get your attention/break up with you, or she's dumb enough that she thinks she could get away with getting the legover at a gathering you were both at. Either way, dumb. Of course it could have been out of boredom after 6 years. Simple boredom can be the cause of a lot of cheating, in both men and women.

So what next? Hard one, but personally in your position, no matter how much I loved her, if she pulled that, it would be goodbye and don't let the door hit your arse on the way out. I would walk away. Plenty of fish etc. I would also look to myself and my part in how it came to this point and how I could as much as possible avoid that in any future relationship. I would not blame myself for her not having self control, I would blame myself for not reading the obvious signs. I've been cheated on and in every single case but one, the signs were there. Plain as day. And I didn't act on them, figuring "ah sure it's just a temporary glitch in the relationship, it'll work itself out".

OK she says now she wants to try again. Right, if you want that as well, then you have to let the incident go. Now I don't mean that you should say, ah well I can understand dear or any of that. I don't mean ignore it either. If you wanted a sign that something was amiss in your relationship, you couldn't ask for a bigger one. Treat it in your own head as a learning experience. Don't use it as a weapon to beat either her or you with. Hiding to nothing that way. Agree to sit down together and honestly and openly and with as little hysteria as possible discuss how both of you feel within the relationship. Listen to her and make sure she listens to you too. Tell each other that if the other is making one feel theres something missing, then they should sit down and bring it up. Maybe that will work?

helimachoptor

croibhriste wrote: »

My questions are...

1. Did I deserve it for not seeing it coming?
2. Is a girl who does such a thing worth having?
3. Can it ever get back to normal?
4. Why do I still love her?

1) No
2) No - dude she was gonna bang some guy while you were downstairs your better off rid of her.
3) nope will never get back to normal, speaking from a similar situation when i was younger and my then GF "went for drinks" with a guy who'd been chasing her for a while, she lied and said she was at home, you'll never trust her again.
4) you can turn your emotions off, you may feel like you still love her but these feelings will fade.


Dude its gonna be tough but take the break go off do your own thing and don't worry about her, if its meant to be you'll get back together eventually after a lot of time has passed and you are both different people so that this episode won't affect a future relationship. If you stay together it'll descent into a hate filled war.

hobochris

That's a **** situation to be in, I don't envy you.. As far as the "relationship is concerned" In you shoes, I'd cut my losses now and try forget her (I know its a lot easier said then done)...

If it where me, Id be dead to her... no talking.. no closure for her. Remember she did this not you.. don't beat yourself up about it.. there's plenty of women out there that who'd have enough respect for you not to do something like this.

Saucey-Susie

sounds like to me that its something she may have wanted to do since you were there, like she wanted to get caught. i dont know anyone who was that drunk to cheat on their partner when they were at the same party!

if you both want to be together and if you try and make it work, could you honestly still trust her? if she was drinkin heavily again at another party would you be worried about her or if she was going out with her friends would you worry she would stray again?

honestly i think you deserve sooooooooo much more than that. id would want the next few months/years of being with her making you sad and nervous and then having issues with trust. get out while you can and meet a girl who will love and adore you forever

beertons

Dude, sorry to hear what happened. What to do now? You're talking about 6 years, that's a long time. Talk to her, communication is key. Tell her it will take you a long time to trust her again, if you decide to go down that road again.

croibhriste

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd put money you love her more now, or at least your focus is on her more now, because of this incident. Irony or wha?

Where'd you buy that crystal ball?

I think the general plan will be...

• Take each day as it comes
• Don't have a revenge fling
• Understand that the old relationship is gone
• Understand that people can do bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people
• Learn to trust again
• Stop Feeling sorry for myself
• Man up :pac: don't get walked on
• See if we can work through it - both of us.

Thanks for all the help lads, sometimes strangers give the best advice.