I am a horrible person

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this blah blah!

I am really quite shocked at myself for my reaction - basically my younger brother got married last year, beautiful wedding and married a lovely girl who I would consider a friend and who I'm mad about. To be honest, being a bit older than him (18 months) and being 32, felt a wee bit envious that he was getting there before me. I have been with my OH a year less than he is with his wife - 4 years. Today I found out through my older sister that they are expecting a baby. They have arranged a night out this weekend for us two couples and while this is not that unusual, I did wonder why they were making it so formal - now I realise it's to tell us the big news. My poor sister thought I already knew when she rang me today so I have to pretend that I know nothing when they tell us.
Anyway! My first reaction when I was told was wanting to burst into tears. My own OH is dragging his feet about us getting married. I know he wants to but it's not on the cards yet as we're both working hard on our careers and I am just feeling so fed up of hearing about everyone else getting engaged/married/having babies.
I am seriously disgusted about feeling so upset about this news, I mean it's a new niece or nephew who I know I will adore but I can't help feeling very sad that it's not me. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE around me - work, friends, family are pregnant and I feel so left behind. I don't want to speak to my OH about this, thankfully he is out tonight - I don't want him to feel pressured but I don't know...guess I am just feeling awful feeling so sad when this is happy news. Just glad I have a few days to put on my happy face.
Has anyone ever felt this way?

Silverfish

Yeah I'd say its fairly normal when its kinda ingrained in us to have kids get married by a 'certain age' and whatnot, it is slowly changing but not fully there yet.

You will feel a bit of 'what could have been' at times like this, I'm pretty sure it'll pass.

Is it possible to share with your OH how you are feeling? I understand not wanting him to feel pressured, but you should still be able to share how you're feeling at the moment.

bluecell99

Well from what you say I think its high time you raised the issue with your other half.its obviously an issue and is unlikey to go away.And why should it?its the most natural thing in the world.

just be happy for your friends and relatives.Thers no set order for people to start having kids and its not done to a timetable based on age or length of time you are with someone as such.However the fact that you are thinking seriously about it (or aything for that matter)means you have to act.That is to start a discussion with your other half.Things will only become clearer after that.

star-pants

You're not a horrible person for starters.

You want to get married/start a family and it's somewhat upsetting when others close to you are doing what you in your heart want.

Perhaps you should say something to your partner, does he see you being married in the future? Is that where ye are heading? You can't be faulted for wanting to know where things are going.

Taltos

No you are not awful - your reaction is perfectly normal and should be expected in our society. Everything you have gone through in your life has coded you to react like this.

Some good advice above - talk to your OH about this, all worthwhile and good relationships need that kind of openness. Yes he might not be thrilled - but he also might be. At the very least you will not be carrying this burden alone - let him share it with you. Maybe by sharing this you can move past the guild you are feeling to instead feel the joy at your brother's good news.

LegacyUser

I totally empathise OP. I am 34 and my lovely gorgeous 31 year old sister is married for two years with a baby who just turned 1. My 28 year old brother has just moved in with his gf. I am single and just a little envious. Some days I am down but most of the time I am delighted for them. I believe my time will come. It is perfectly natural to feel envious. It is perfectly normal to get annoyed that people's lives are moving fast but you know what look at all the fabulous things in your life and remember that whatever happens you obviously have a lovely close family and a bf who loves you. Put the happy face on but take your time

LegacyUser

I hear ya! I feel the same way. All of my friends, and I mean all of them, are either pregnant or have just had babies. My relationship ended after 7 yrs, so i am now on my own. At an age where i thought i would be settled and at least have 1 child. I am seeing a counceller i was feeling that down about things. She has helped me realise that it will be me one day, and not to feel pressure. Easy to say tho. Somedays i feel fine, some days i just dont answer my phone to them because i cant bear to listen to their tales of babies, weddings, husbands. Perfectly normal tho, i believe. Dont feel bad or be hard on yourself. There's loads of us in the same situation...

SarahSassy

OP as others have wisely said it is a good idea to count your blessings. In saying that there is no point letting another 3 years pass by with your boyfriend and making no progress in the relationship with him. By progress i mean marriage and a family as this is what you want next. I dont agree with pressurising a partner into marriage but you do need to know where you stand as you dont want to be in this place in 2 years time...

There is no way round other than ask him and see what he wants from life and for you both..

Best of luck.

sanj2408

I was like this until a few months ago when he actually popped the question. I thought he had been dragging his heels, making comments about weddings being too expensive etc but it turned out he was throwing me off to ask me on New Years Eve., All very romantic but I was in bits before hand I really thought he didnt want to marry me I was even considering leaving him if he didnt want to get married.
Anyway all Im saying is dont give up on it but don't get as worried about it as I did, I tied myself up in knots altogether. Speak to him, find out for good what he wants and put your mind at ease. Even if its not what you want to hear, at least you'll know.
Alternatively, you could ask him and see what happens!!!

sanj2408

I was like this until a few months ago when he actually popped the question. I thought he had been dragging his heels, making comments about weddings being too expensive etc but it turned out he was throwing me off to ask me on New Years Eve., All very romantic but I was in bits before hand I really thought he didnt want to marry me I was even considering leaving him if he didnt want to get married.
Anyway all Im saying is dont give up on it but don't get as worried about it as I did, I tied myself up in knots altogether. Speak to him, find out for good what he wants and put your mind at ease. Even if its not what you want to hear, at least you'll know.
Alternatively, you could propose to him and see what happens!!!

kevmy

Firstly your not horrible far from it.

However I don't think it's healthy to judge yourself or your relationship of the 'progress' of other people. You have to do whats right in your life/relationship. I mean if you are both really busy for the next couple of years is it really the right time to get married and raise kids?

Also 4 yrs isn't a massive amount of time. Lots of people are going out 6,7,8 yrs and are not engaged/getting married.

I would agree with the posters who say talk to your OH. Us guys are slow when it comes to these kinda things and won't pick up subtle hints or signals. Talk to him about it. I mean don't lay it out to him that you want to get married right now but just tell him what you wrote above.

Oh The Humanity

Hey, try to get out of that way of thinking. Life is not a competition.

Dont get wed/have babies in order not to feel left out or cos all your friends/siblings are in the Mammy club.

Do what is right for you. There is nothing worse than a woman pushing her man along into the next stage when he is not ready. Enjoy the journey, one day you will be tied down with God Frobids and wishing you could have your freedom back.

Dont wish it away.

LegacyUser

Don't feel so bad.
I got married young, had kids and then he just walked out on us. Marriage isn't everything it's cracked up to be sometimes. As long as you are in a loving relationship that should be all that matters. It's better to find out before you get married that the OH isn't the right person, then to find out after you got married when children are involved.
Just enjoy it now, you might not have it next year!

Lollipops23

you are not horrible!!!

i can totally empathise, but everyone moves at different speeds and want different things from life. we're all heading in the same direction just taking different routes.
this does not mean your bro has "beat" you in some way,think of all the things you've enjoyed in the last year that he hasn't. i'm guessing he's probably paying off his wedding?you've sidestepped that!he's gonna have a lovely baba but how many sleepless nights?and so on...
i'm not saying this stuff is not in your future. but getting married/having a baby just to catch up is wrong.do it when you and you're other half are ready.

Das Kitty

It's a perfectly normal feeling and provided you don't make them feel ****ty about it you're well within your right to shed a tear over it.

Look at it this way at least your sister told you and you could have your honest reaction without them seeing it so you can be ready for the "reveal" when they tell you.

You'll be grand! And a brilliant auntie.

Nickibaby*

Echoing what others have said already. Your are not horrible, it's perfectly normal to feel as you are.

It's important to focus on your own life, it's not a competition.

LegacyUser

Hey thank you all so much for replying you gave really good advice.

What I didn't mention is that I had an abortion a few years ago so these things are a bit raw for me and I just wonder when I'll feeling sh*t like this when I hear babies are being born. I did try and share it with my OH and he was awful about it. Told me I was pulling him down and I was turning a happy event into a nasty, twisted one. So now I feel extra sh*t. Ah, not sure what to do, do I even want to be with a man like this...I don't know.

Thanks again for all your help