GF not sure of us and says is attracted to other men

thebigfella68 · 15-04-2009 9:00am #1

hey folks just a quick one

in a relationship for 18 mths recently i have moved away because of new job and only see her on the wknds, sometimes more cause i have a lot of work in dublin.

for a while she has said she not sure of us, hasn't said i love you for a while and just told me on monday, that she is attracted to ther men, i was v upset

we talked but i still feel confused hence the post
any advice?

bluecell99 · 15-04-2009 9:02am

Its heading for the rocks and she is trying to let you down gently.

Its over to you now.

star-pants · 15-04-2009 9:04am

Sounds like what bluecell said - she possibly wants out but isn't saying it. Perhaps is hoping you'll do it.
Maybe talk to her again, ask her does she want out? If she's not sure about you two and is interested in other guys is that the path she wants?

Only she can tell you the answer.

thebigfella68 · 15-04-2009 9:11am

hmmm...:(

prinz · 15-04-2009 9:22am

Could be a childish attempt at stirring up some interest/ action on your part. Have you been making an effort to make it work long distance?

Or she could be tired of the relationship and trying to drop hints like cartoon anvils.

Either way you only have to ask her.

Wibbs · 15-04-2009 9:36am

I'd agree with bluecell99 too. Now none of us know what's going on in her head. She may not even be sure, but it does sound like the standard operational pattern at play. As well as stating she's looking around, things like dropping the I love you from conversations and backing off in the bedroom, 9 times outa 10 is game over. "I'm attracted to other men" usually, in my experience anyway, means that she's attracted to a particular man, but is trying to both not upset you directly, feel out you response to this and feel out her own. She's still maybe working this stuff out in her own head and is not sure at this stage about the other men(man). She may be the type to hang on to the past until the future looks more stable. Don't be this safety net.

Answer? And this will be hard for you to do. Have one conversation with her where you dont flip out or raise your voice, but ask her directly what is going on with her. Calmly tell her that you want to be with someone that is building a relationship together and if that's not working, you will leave, even if it hurts you to do so. If you do get the "I've met someone else", then wish her well and tell her it's over from your side. If she adds in the "I'm confused" line(the classics are always good), then do exactly the same. Most importantly stick to it. If she texts you, ignore it. If she keeps at it, then send her a simple text saying you have stated your case and have little to add. Do not respond further unless she suggests coming back. If she does then tread carefully and stand your ground. While this is going on, allow yourself time to grieve, but don't do it for too long. Even if you don't feel like it, get out more, go out with mates, flirt with women. Try to have fun.

IMHO The above strategy(for want of a better word) gives you back your power(again for want of a better word) in the relationship. It gives you the best chance of her coming back, which is what you want and it gives you the best foundation to rebuild your life without her. It won't be easy, but IMHO it's the best way. My principle in these things after a fair few screwups in my time, is that when someone leaves, then let them. If they truly made a mistake or want you back, they'll come back of their own volition.

thebigfella68 · 15-04-2009 9:36am

yeah i make an effort, calls txt's, organising dates to be accomodating to her schedule, yes i think i'm trying,

doing her groceries,

yes talking is probably the answer or the beginning of the end,

lolli · 15-04-2009 9:42am

Op,

Sounds like shes losing intesest. You can try fight for it or move on and find a girl where you are now living. Shes probably bored because you arent around during the week so shes looking at men while your away.

cojomo2 · 15-04-2009 9:45am

sorry to say it dude but it sounds like she wants out but doesnt have the balls to tell u straight up...

on a side note, isnt it normal to be attracted to some members the opposite sex regardless if your in a relationship or not??

thebigfella68 · 15-04-2009 9:49am

i'm back up in town next week should i wait and do it face to face or just call and have it out?

prinz · 15-04-2009 9:50am

lolli wrote: »

Shes probably bored because you arent around during the week so shes looking at men while your away.

If that's the problem then he's better off without.What kind of attitude would that be to take into a relationship.

cojomo2 · 15-04-2009 9:54am

thebigfella68 wrote: »

i'm back up in town next week should i wait and do it face to face or just call and have it out?

face to face without a doubt. I wouldnt start shouting at her, just sit her down and calmly tell her how u feel, and ask her straight out if she wants out of the relationship,..and if she does tell her u want to know now instead of being strung along while shes wondering what to do..

lolli · 15-04-2009 10:02am

prinz wrote: »

If that's the problem then he's better off without.What kind of attitude would that be to take into a relationship.

Yeah i agree hes better off without that but i'm saying some people can get bored and it can be turned around. I personally wouldnt be with someone who treated me like that.

star-pants · 15-04-2009 12:07pm

thebigfella68 wrote: »

i'm back up in town next week should i wait and do it face to face or just call and have it out?

Face to face - things only get misconstrued in text/over the phone.

Miss Fluff · 15-04-2009 12:32pm

Poor you, sounds like she is angling to break-up with you, classic behaviour to feather the nest before just breaking up with you, she wants to avoid it being sudden and brutal to you.

You need to have that conversation face-to-face, all too easy for misunderstandings over the phone.

Hope it works out for you OP.

thebigfella68 · 15-04-2009 1:55pm

thanks for all the feedback i feel a lot better now, will help to take some action:(

thebigfella68 · 19-04-2009 6:41pm

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd agree with bluecell99 too. Now none of us know what's going on in her head. She may not even be sure, but it does sound like the standard operational pattern at play. As well as stating she's looking around, things like dropping the I love you from conversations and backing off in the bedroom, 9 times outa 10 is game over. "I'm attracted to other men" usually, in my experience anyway, means that she's attracted to a particular man, but is trying to both not upset you directly, feel out you response to this and feel out her own. She's still maybe working this stuff out in her own head and is not sure at this stage about the other men(man). She may be the type to hang on to the past until the future looks more stable. Don't be this safety net.

Answer? And this will be hard for you to do. Have one conversation with her where you dont flip out or raise your voice, but ask her directly what is going on with her. Calmly tell her that you want to be with someone that is building a relationship together and if that's not working, you will leave, even if it hurts you to do so. If you do get the "I've met someone else", then wish her well and tell her it's over from your side. If she adds in the "I'm confused" line(the classics are always good), then do exactly the same. Most importantly stick to it. If she texts you, ignore it. If she keeps at it, then send her a simple text saying you have stated your case and have little to add. Do not respond further unless she suggests coming back. If she does then tread carefully and stand your ground. While this is going on, allow yourself time to grieve, but don't do it for too long. Even if you don't feel like it, get out more, go out with mates, flirt with women. Try to have fun.

IMHO The above strategy(for want of a better word) gives you back your power(again for want of a better word) in the relationship. It gives you the best chance of her coming back, which is what you want and it gives you the best foundation to rebuild your life without her. It won't be easy, but IMHO it's the best way. My principle in these things after a fair few screwups in my time, is that when someone leaves, then let them. If they truly made a mistake or want you back, they'll come back of their own volition.

this is bad i came back to Dublin over the wknd and saw her sat, but didn't talk about it, even though she asked, i think ididn't want to ruin here wknd and i gave her a lift home to wicklow, do you have any other advice as this message is entitled i'm a big chicken, i dunno i couldn't do or say it after all the answers on the boards, and then i asked two close friends, all said the same.

i'm annoyed at myself and still upset how do it take the plunge????

help

Wibbs · 19-04-2009 7:24pm

When you say she asked, what did she say? Anyway, so OK you backed down. Natural enough, it's a hard enough situation to be in with someone you love and opened up to emotionally, but sooner or later you'll have to bite the bullet. Ignore it and she will leave or tell you she's copped off with someone else. This is not a time for head in the sand stuff.

Tirabaralla · 19-04-2009 7:45pm

I dunno...sometimes hurrying stuff just to kind of pretend to be the strong one (especially in a moment when u are not...) is not the best thing.
I think, OP, you should take YOUR time to understand if YOU want to be with someone that can't say "I love you" or that needs to point out that she is attracted to other men (obviously I think all of us take a look around for the joy of the eye even while in a good relationship, but is different to go to your partner and say "I am attracted to other people, I wanted to let you know")...
Take time, listen to words and signals, stay conscious and DONT DO anything you don't really feel like doing. Don't be warm if you don't feel like she deserves it, don't be around if you need a few days by yourself, etc...
Just my 2 cents.
Best of luck ^_^

thebigfella68 · 19-04-2009 8:56pm

Wibbs wrote: »

When you say she asked, what did she say? Anyway, so OK you backed down. Natural enough, it's a hard enough situation to be in with someone you love and opened up to emotionally, but sooner or later you'll have to bite the bullet. Ignore it and she will leave or tell you she's copped off with someone else. This is not a time for head in the sand stuff.

that was all and did i want to talk about it, we were having brunch and she was two mimosa's deep, and she's got a cold, **** week at work, i just stuck my head in the sand your right.

thanks

i'll let you know on thursday

thebigfella68 · 19-04-2009 9:01pm

Tirabaralla wrote: »

I dunno...sometimes hurrying stuff just to kind of pretend to be the strong one (especially in a moment when u are not...) is not the best thing.
I think, OP, you should take YOUR time to understand if YOU want to be with someone that can't say "I love you" or that needs to point out that she is attracted to other men (obviously I think all of us take a look around for the joy of the eye even while in a good relationship, but is different to go to your partner and say "I am attracted to other people, I wanted to let you know")...
Take time, listen to words and signals, stay conscious and DONT DO anything you don't really feel like doing. Don't be warm if you don't feel like she deserves it, don't be around if you need a few days by yourself, etc...
Just my 2 cents.
Best of luck ^_^

tirabella

she talks about a flutter in her heart, apparently her one for me is gone:(

thanks for your reply though still have a few days lost of time to get into my feelings

estar · 19-04-2009 9:18pm

seriously. this girl isnt sure of you says she is attracted to other men, and you are still giving her lifts, thinking about her cold etc etc

where is your self preservation????????????????????????????????????????????

if a man told me he was attracted to other women, (woman) and wasnt sure (so lame!!! i HATE a person that doesnt know their own mind. jesus, not sure. its someones life!!!! if you arent sure, then you break up and dont dilly around having lunches and getting lifts off them)

its happened to me, and i cried (well bawled unattractively) i slapped and i walked.

life is too short to go out with those with mediocre feelings for us.

personally id rather die alone.

thebigfella68 · 19-04-2009 9:38pm

estar wrote: »

seriously. this girl isnt sure of you says she is attracted to other men, and you are still giving her lifts, thinking about her cold etc etc

where is your self preservation????????????????????????????????????????????

if a man told me he was attracted to other women, (woman) and wasnt sure (so lame!!! i HATE a person that doesnt know their own mind. jesus, not sure. its someones life!!!! if you arent sure, then you break up and dont dilly around having lunches and getting lifts off them)

its happened to me, and i cried (well bawled unattractively) i slapped and i walked.

life is too short to go out with those with mediocre feelings for us.

personally id rather die alone.

this has been the best one all the others i wanted out, this one i dont thats why i'm hanging in/on for dear life

i have bigger things/issues in my life then just a turning relationship

thanks for your advice though (see actively want to be the nice guy)

GF not sure of us and says is attracted to other men

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