Junkie trying to woo GF

LegacyUser

Need a bit of advice about how to approach a delicate situation.

So my GF suffers from long-term depression and is currently receiving help in a psychiatric institute, she stays there most nights.

She has befriended a vast array of people during her time there - scizos, alcoholics, junkies, etc. etc, and this has by-and-large had a positive effect on her (basically, she sees that everybody's a bit f*cked up).

Anyhow this one bloke, currently his sixth time seeking assistance for heroin and alcohol addiction, has declared his love for her, turned down the opportunity to leave the place in order to stay there with her, and over the weekend - we took a long-weekend for Easter - called her roughly five times each-day, followed by text message after text message (she answered the phone on the first night, but after seeing how p*ssed I was at this, didn't answer for the rest of the weekend).

To give the situaion a bit more context, I noticed my GF had gone a bit cold towards me a few weeks back, and after finally getting her to tell me why, she admitted that she had some doubts about our relationship after meeting this guy, but then she realised her feelings towards this guy were simply that of the excitement one gets when they meet someone new. To say that I was thrown a little by this would be an understatement - after over two-years with someone, passing crushes should not lead to someone doubting a relationship, should they?

So, I appreciate that my GF must make friends in this hospital, if not for her own amusement, then at least to have people that can empathise with her situation. But, I think this comes to a head when somebody is telling her that, "I'll give up all my addictions for you, and then you'll be the only addiction I have" (or some other such piffle), and telling her that I'm not a good boyfriend for her, etc, etc.

My GF is in a delicate situation at the mo, and has had a real rough run over the past few months, and I've been there all the way with my support. I know I must approach this issue softly (as I have been trying to do), but when does it come to a point when I can just scream "Christ, he's a f*ckin' junkie filling her head full of sh*t and manipulating you when you're at your lowest ebb!!" - could be insensitive, but borne from an awful situation.

Advice, anybody...?

bluecell99

You've done everything you can.You are supportive and caring.You need to step back a little.Try and carry on as normal.When people are in an emotionally fragile state then the thought process can be all over the place.I think this is whats happening with your girlfriend.She is receiving flattery from someone else.She has been thru a lot.She knows you have been there for her at one level of her thinking yet she responds to someone else and questions her relationship with you.

Its a tough one.Really a lot of this is out of your hands.We can hope that she will see through the fog and realise what she has with you .But there is the chance that she will try something else for the excitement or whatever she perceives it to be in her own mind.You cant decide this.Irrespective of who the person is we cant make their decisions for them.

Ultimately we stand back and get into the acceptance mode for our own peace of mind.Remember to look after yourself as well and if it comes to an end be comforted by the knowldege that you have so much to give and are a thoughtful and generous person.Things do get better.

I cant give more advice but wish you the best of luck and take care.

prinz

I don't think he is trying to woo anyone. I've heard that people overcoming addictions often find someone / something to fixate on, in an attempt to get themselves clean,using them as an excuse to try to break the addicition, using them as a support service etc. Sounds like she's becoming his 'higher power' as they say. Sounds to me like he sees her as some sort of life jacket for himself. Unhealthy in one way, but understandable in another.

Your issue is with yourself and your OH. Not this junkie tulip. Be there for her and rekindle your relationship.

lolli

Op,

I just want to say fair play to you for standing by your girlfriend. Many people would walk away.

I would think that your girlfriend has felt some form of connection towards this guy as they are in the same place and perhaps feeling the same emotions.

You do have to thread carefully but also make her aware of the fact that you are there for her but will not stand for someone else chatting her up. I know shes in a delicate situation but she should be fair to you. You have stood by her through this so you deserve some respect.

That_Guy

I don't see why your girlfriend should say that she doubts your relationship.

She must realise how lucky she is to have you because a lot of people may walk away from a situation like this but you've stuck by her so fair play mate.

As for the "junkie" trying to come on to your girlfriend. I've not had first hand experience with this type of thing before but I reckon that this guy sees your gf as a support pillar and is someone he can relate to.

I don't think your head should be filled with ideas that this guy is telling your gf that you're not a good bf. She should know that you are a good bf because you've been supporting her and stuck with her through all of this time.

Hope your gf comes out of this alright mate.

Best of luck.

Queen-Mise

well done OP on sticking with gf as others have said.

You passed a comment that a crush shouldnt lead to questioning of a relationship.Id be inclined to say that your gf sometimes wouldnt know up from down. No insult meant at all there, from personal exp depression can really mess with thought processes.

There is one real danger i see and that is whether she is attracted to dark side of the fella. You really are powerless over it though. Just have to give her the space and hope she comes through.

Best of luck with the situation.

Walls

I would say that right now she is extremely unclear about a great deal of her life. She is trying to find a new framework to support herself and this means that a lot of what she is thinking has to be doubted, reconsidered, and confirmed again before she can be sure of it. She is right to 'doubt' the relationship, if only to give it an objective view. Once that is done, she can include in her new way of looking at her life, and move on. One thing she is doing is being honest with you, in that she's sharing her doubts. I'd say encourage her to talk, she is still there with you and not with anyone.

The piece of work in the clinic, however, is very far out of line. His behaviour to a fellow patient is in fact enough to get him thrown out of the treatment programme. I suggest that your partner speak to the clinic to complain about his behaviour and get them to have a word. He is acting in a manner designed to disturb her own treatment and so should be told in no short order to cope himself on.

milod

Walls wrote: »

The piece of work in the clinic, however, is very far out of line. His behaviour to a fellow patient is in fact enough to get him thrown out of the treatment programme. I suggest that your partner speak to the clinic to complain about his behaviour and get them to have a word. He is acting in a manner designed to disturb her own treatment and so should be told in no short order to cope himself on.

OP, apart from the excellent advice from Walls, perhaps it's time you also thought of your own feelings in this. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it seems your girlfriend is suffering the usual introspection and self-obsession that people with psychological or psychiatric issues normally do.

It's fine for her to spend time on herself and try to get better, but it's pretty unfair to you if your support and care is answered with doubt. Institutions are like pressure cookers, and can become quite incestuous, and she needs to be made aware by her care team of the dangers to her relationships outside of the treatment centre. Most treatment centres expressly forbid fraternization for the very reason that it interrupts or destroys the progress of treatment.

Think of yourself a bit more in this and, consider whether you realistically believe your g/f has the emotional maturity not to mess with your emotions.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here - thanks for all the advice.

Both Walls and milod pointed that the behaviour of this fellow patient is out of line; I 100% agree and I have thought it far the start. It is a selfish way to behave on his part, given that it's my girlfriends first time in such treatment, and quite simply, he should know better. He's 28, she's 22 - and it really stings as him taking advantage of a person going through rough straits.

I've tried to reason through this with my GF, but as previous posters have said, it's understandable there may be a lack of clarity of thought on my GF's side, and given that she's naturally a very compassionate person, she tends to saddle herself with other peoples problems (and therefore, avoiding her own ).

Also Queen-Mise mentioned that she may be "attracted to dark side of the fella" - you don't know how much this point has been playing on my mind, and also the fact this guy's situation is attractive to the mothering notions of the female species (sorry for the broad generalisation).

I'm half thinking I need to talk to this guy and tell him to back off, but maybe this will only aggravate the situation - guess it's worth a try though.....

Anyway, thanks again for the advice.