I know I'm waaaaaaay too young but....

LegacyUser

Right basically my problem is that I am ridiculously broody. I am just obsessed with everything to do with babies and think about having my own baby ALL the time.

However seeing as I am only 20, still living at home, and with plans to start college next year it would just be extremely selfish to have a baby. (I am in a longterm relationship btw, the BF loves kids and cant wait to have his own little family but obviously not this soon!!)

But no matter how logically I think about it, taking into account all the things I would miss out on, the financial strain, the pressure on my family etc, I just can not shake this feeling. I have had maternal urges on and off since I was about 16 but nowhere near the intensity of the feelings I have now.

I know how hard looking after a baby is having minded my cousin's baby over night before, and seeing how wrecked she is all the time. But again, logic seems to just go out the window and all I can think about is having my own little bundle to look after and love.

I don't need you all to tell me how stupid or irrational these feelings are, I know that. I'm just looking for advice as to how to get my mind off it. It's getting to the stage where I can't concentrate and I'm afraid I might slip up and say something stupid to my BF about it and freak him out!

Any advice appreciated, thanks.

T-Square

Fire ahead, and have kids.

One major beneifit is that your kids will very likely be very physically healthy, but maybe a bit lit in the brains dept.

Wait until you are 35 and the tables turn, not that physically healthy/strong, but smarter kids.

If you have kids now, with some luck they'll have moved out
before you are even fourty!
You have a second chance at having a laugh before you get too old.

Suaimhneach

I find I get very broody quite often. What I do personally is embrace it... it's perfectly acceptable (and actually quite rare) to want kids. However, I tend to embrace it by visiting my beautiful nephew and discussing the very distant future with my OH/girlie mates.

Reality check is the most important thing. What do I want from life? Kids are a part of that, but home... security... stability for them, these are all essential and at 22 (personally) and you at 20 realistically neither of us can do that.

And wtf do I want from life BEFORE all that serious stuff... well that list goes on and on, stability certainly isnt my main concern. But the point I am making is that you've a lot more living to do before you give your life up to a child (or children).

So whenever you get broody, indulge a little by expressing it in whatever ways you can and put off what will essentially be the rest of your life until you are good and ready.

LegacyUser

BabyMad wrote: »

Right basically my problem is that I am ridiculously broody. I am just obsessed with everything to do with babies and think about having my own baby ALL the time.

About as good a reason NOT to have babies as I can think of. There is plenty to do in terms of personal development that would be an attribute to whatever children you might have. You've plenty of time to delay the gratification pulling out of you now so as to save up for your and their future.

Think of them and their needs and spend the intervening time looking forward to and planning (in the background) for that time

smellslikeshoes

Please don't take this as a silly comment, as its a serious enough suggestion but maybe you should try getting a puppy/some other pet.

Now before you say it, I know a child is a very different thing than a puppy but it will give you someone to look after and spend some time with. Its not going to stop you wanting to have a child but it might take the edge off till you are in a better situation.

jimmycrackcorm

In retrospect I wish I had kids when I was 20 as They'd be buying me pints now instead of me buying them nintendo games.

Ickle Magoo

BabyMad wrote: »

Right basically my problem is that I am ridiculously broody. I am just obsessed with everything to do with babies and think about having my own baby ALL the time.

However seeing as I am only 20, still living at home, and with plans to start college next year it would just be extremely selfish to have a baby. (I am in a longterm relationship btw, the BF loves kids and cant wait to have his own little family but obviously not this soon!!)

But no matter how logically I think about it, taking into account all the things I would miss out on, the financial strain, the pressure on my family etc, I just can not shake this feeling. I have had maternal urges on and off since I was about 16 but nowhere near the intensity of the feelings I have now.

I know how hard looking after a baby is having minded my cousin's baby over night before, and seeing how wrecked she is all the time. But again, logic seems to just go out the window and all I can think about is having my own little bundle to look after and love.

I don't need you all to tell me how stupid or irrational these feelings are, I know that. I'm just looking for advice as to how to get my mind off it. It's getting to the stage where I can't concentrate and I'm afraid I might slip up and say something stupid to my BF about it and freak him out!

Any advice appreciated, thanks.

I think only you can know what is right for you, right now - but I don't think you can base how much work goes into childrearing based on how you view someone else or an over-night baby sit. There are lots of great cuddly moments that would get most people clucking, don't get me wrong - but I think you have to balance that with just how expensive, disruptive & life changing having a child is. I don't mean to infer you don't realise that it's life changing to become a parent, of course you do, I just mean even with the resources & kind of planned for - I am still flabbergasted at how much time, work, responsibility & money goes into parenting & how far down the list of priorities you & all the things you used to hold so dear, suddenly fall.

I wouldn't swap being a parent now that I am one for anything, however, there are definitely things we wished we'd done or that we'd left it longer to have a family so we could really enjoy each other & life with fewer responsibilities. I know they say there's no such things as the "right time" to do these things - but definitely make a note of all the things you want to do which would be made harder or impossible by parenthood & take the opportunity to do them first. I don't know many who wish they'd had kids earlier, I know quite few who wish they'd waited.

Best of luck.

cafecolour

Is it just babies, or children in general? Cause they don't stay babies forever

20 is young, but not 'way' to young. It just depends on your circumstances.

You don't mention if you are in school or anything like that. I'd focus on a career at the moment, maybe one with a baby or childcare focus (preschool teacher, general childcare, pediatric nurse/midwife (lot of schooling there)) to make sure you have a way to support children.

In the meantime, volunteer with kids (big brother, big sister for instance). Take babysitting opportunities (you could even look into being an au pair).

dny123456

20 not too young. But you probably will be sacrificing going to college. If you don't mind that, and your partner doesn't mind, then why not. Your life. You live it.

LegacyUser

I know, I know. A lot of you have voiced the rational arguements for not having a baby now, and these are the arguements that I try to tell myself everyday. But there just seems tobe no getting through to me!
I just feel like a bit of a freak. All my friends say they would love to have babies but definitely not for another ten years or so. I feel like the odd one out! While they all love going out and getting locked, doing the usual student things, I'm not mad into nightclubs and usually go home early out of boredom. I don't get drunk very often either it just doesn't interest me. I just feel like I have the mindset of someone much older than 20 and that I don't fit in with people my age :-( I'm also terrified that if I wait til I'm older I won't be able to have children.
I started college last year but dropped out because I didn't like my course or the whole college thing. But I've realised that to follow the career I want I HAVE to go to college for a minimum of 4 years, no way around it. But the thought of returning to college and having to wait at least 4 years to have a baby makes me really depressed, it's hard to explain.
But then the voice of reason kicks in and I know that in order to fund the type of lifestyle I want and to provide for any potential children I really must do this course as the odds of me finding a decent well paid job that I like, with just Leaving Cert qualifications is fairly slim.
My head is just all over the place, I can't think straight!! Thanks for being so understanding, I thought I was gonna get roasted after my first post :-O

star-pants

Lord noone was going to roast you for being broody. It's actually very natural, even though some women may never fully feel that way.
I'd love to have children, i'd probably have been happy already having them (I'm 25). But the other side of things is that I want a stable life for them, if I'm going to bring a baby into this world I want to be able to give them what they need. I want a home & a partner & financial stability. (a LOT to ask for I know)
No one can tell you when the time is right, only you and your partner know that. Obviously we'd all like the perfect situation to bring a baby into the world but we can survive without it being perfect. A friend of mine had a baby at 17, and whilst it disrupted her life for a few years, he's now 8, going to be doing his communion (I'm his godmother) and she's gone back to college & done what she needs and is in a stable job. she's a single mother but a darned good one

So basically conventional thinking is great, but it doesn't always apply to life the way we want it. But do make sure you're 110% on what you want before you do it.

John Mason

I would suggest you take a serious look at your life.

there is something not being fulfiled for you. you have a need to have a baby, because it belongs to you and no one else and it has to love you unconditionally.

you are just reacting to a lack of something in your life - may be control, the fact that you are still living at home and are about to start college, do you feel like you have no control over your life and that you are being pushed in a direction you are not happy with ?

or may be you are just lonely. i could be a hundred things. may be you should consider moving out of your parents house and focus on building a life for yourself instead

Wibbs

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

I would suggest you take a serious look at your life.

there is something not being fulfiled for you. you have a need to have a baby, because it belongs to you and no one else and it has to love you unconditionally.

you are just reacting to a lack of something in your life - may be control, the fact that you are still living at home and are about to start college, do you feel like you have no control over your life and that you are being pushed in a direction you are not happy with ?

or may be you are just lonely. i could be a hundred things. may be you should consider moving out of your parents house and focus on building a life for yourself instead

+10000 Nail on the head and advice well worth looking at.

cojomo2

dny123456 wrote: »

20 not too young. But you probably will be sacrificing going to college. If you don't mind that, and your partner doesn't mind, then why not. Your life. You live it.

Did you not read the part about her living at home? I will assume that she cant afford a place of her own so alltho it is her life, her parents have a life too and may not want a screaming baby in the house which they will end up having to help look after it a fair bit...

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Kimia

BabyMad wrote: »

I just feel like I have the mindset of someone much older than 20

I started college last year but dropped out because I didn't like my course or the whole college thing. But I've realised that to follow the career I want I HAVE to go to college for a minimum of 4 years, no way around it. But the thought of returning to college and having to wait at least 4 years to have a baby makes me really depressed, it's hard to explain.

You have to grow up a small bit before wanting to raise a child. You don't have to go to college there are other career routes, but don't you want anything else other than a baby? A career, etc?

You are definitely missing something from your life and before you bring a new helpless person into the world, completely dependant on you, you need to sort yourself out first.

You need to relax. It will happen, but wait until you are independant yourself first, because you are still very much dependant on your parents and tbh without you having something to offer the child - a house (home), financial security, etc - you are being quite selfish and only thinking of your own needs, and not the needs of your future child. This again shows me you need to grow up.

Lobelia Overhill

I'd a friend when I was in my 20s and she was mad after a baby, cried every time she saw photos in magazines and had to be physically restrained from picking up every baby she saw being pushed in a stroller when out doors. Eventually she decided she'd "left it too late" and had to have a baby NOW or she'd never have one (?!) and she "accidentally" got herself pregnant by her BF - who subsequently dumped her.

She had the baby, and as babies go she was a cutie pie, all chubby legs and giggles. The baby mad mammy however never stopped cribbing, moaning and outright bitching. She wasn't sleeping all night, can't hear the telly over the baby screaming (teething), she wouldn't eat anything given to her, all clothes now stank of vomit and poo, haven't had a decent night's sleep in months etc etc etc.

I'd made arguments about all of those things when she was whining about wanting a baby and she'd sneered and declared it was "all part of being a mother". She also swore blind she'd never shout at, or hit, her child. Once the baby was there she did nothing but scream her head off and on occasions slap her.

Point I'm trying to make is wanting a baby and actually having one are two vastly, vastly different things. The reality is much, much, "worse" than anything you think you know (and that friend of mine had younger brothers and sisters so she "knew everything there was to know"). The amount of noise a colicky baby can make will leave you breathless, the smell and mess they produce in their nappies will make you hurl chunks. They chubby legs and all giggles isn't a permanent state, and of course in a very short time, they're crawling, then walking, then they start smashing your things, putting gawd knows what in their mouths and up their noses.

You can't just pop out to the shops for a pint of milk when you run out, you need to take a baby/small child with out and don't kid yourself that your child won't throw tantrums, they will.

<< is happily childless

Munster_Gal

At the end of the day no one can tell you what you should and shouldn't do. IMO...go to college, get your degree and start a career. You're only 20!