Advice needed please Emotionally Drained Confused

LegacyUser

This is a long one so bear with me...

Bear in mind im usually happy go lucky honest guy ( sounds like a bloody dating website line haha)

Basically met this girl a year and a half ago, we started going out for 7 months,we had a great time. We got to know each other very well and each others families.We basically became best friends and i got to know her friends her mine etc.( we'll come back to this in a minute) As the months went on i discovered that she had a lot of personal problems such as depression and had a lot of emotional damage, invariably which i got sucked into as well ( which i tried to help her, i offered to pay and take her to any conseulling even though id no job and was living off my college grant, but she said the only person she could talk to was me, she couldnt even talk to her family which i understand because her mother is very controlling and they are very close. I used to spend ages on the internet looking for some information on any subject that i could help her with so that i could help her with her problems and give her the best advice i could.

At this point ill point out that this girl IS appreciative but she forgets everything too quickly, that and shes 22.

Her friends who i got to know always left her when she needed her and went behind her back talking rubbish about me and her and making up stuff about her ( as i think a friend of a friend fancied her and they used to spend all theyre time together but when i came along it stopped)I spent enough time with her and her friends to see right through them, they were all self obsessed and didnt know of any of her problems at all.I tried to warn her but she always found out the worst in the end.

I was the only person who really cared for her, she said so herself! Many a long night i spent with her listening and crying with her, emotionally draining as it was for me i always maintained strong for her because i thought i had to.

Any way as time went on i tried my hardest to be there, tell her she looked fantastic,picked her up when she was feeling down, brought her out, basically did everything a good boyfriend would do and then she dropped a bombshell on me that ''she didn't know how she felt anymore and that she didn't want a boyfriend cos she had too much going on''. This hit me like a ton of bricks!

I tried my best to be her friend as i couldn't just leave her, as i wanted to help understand the pain she was in and wanted to help the best i could, because i cared for her so much. Anyway after we broke up we became a kind of friends with benefits along with best friends, and then during which she had some financial difficulty,i was once again the one she turned to, i looked up mabs, i rang up places for her for a loan, (by this time i had just settled into my first job)i did the best i could to help her, she didnt have a clue what to do.

I hadn't a clue how she wasn't keeping up with her repayments since she had a full time job, turns out she was blowing it all on clothes and going out the weekends and not budgeting at all. I told her to do budget but she didn't. I tried to get her to go to her parents before the bank came knocking but she flat out refused,thought that it would sort itself out??? i tried to reason but it didnt work...until the parents found out via a bank loan letter in the fathers name.

Then i was dragged into the whole situation by the parents (who i did and do get on very well with) and was asked a lot of uncompromising questions. I had been supporting her financially and giving her lifts to work ( as it was a car loan she had). I basically had to lie for her and i do not feel good about it to this day and i made it obvious to her i felt that way. Her parents bailed her loan out on the condition that she got a second job. which she did, Which i helped her find.. ( Im such a ****ing plank now that i think of it)

Around this time also i lost my job due to the recession, company folded, i desperately needed someone to talk to but she wasn't there for me at all,. I tried to bring it up slowly and carefully but she exploded at me and said im just like her parents on at her, shes enough on her plate etc....i was crushed(my parents have enough on their plate at the minute they are very old,and all my friends and brothers have either girlfriends or houses or babies, baring in mind im 24 as is everyone else) so i had no one to turn to.

About October i started getting pally with one of her male mates from us all going out, we hit it off right away, real lads lads, bang on fella actually. Anyway she used to hate when we used to get together and go have a laugh because she thought we were going out having a laugh meeting girls,even talking to random people bear in mind id be the first to invite her and make sure she felt wanted going out. I never cheated on her, i wudn't dream of doing so and she would accuse me terribly of everything under the sun, to cheating to going behind her back talking about her ( which she always did when we went out).

I mean i did everything for the girl,i tried to give her space when she needed, tried to introduce her to new people to help her confidence,(shes very shy), i tried my bloody heart out but nothing seemed to work. She would try drag me down and tell me i was too loud of a person, i was cocky i wasn't sincere enough, u name it she called me it, every time i tried to talk to her in a calm manner and sort things out, shed just fly off the handle. In truth she is the most difficult person to get a sorry from. When i didnt call her to give her some space she said she didn't care and then if i spent too much time with her she said i was smothering her. I just cant win.

The fact that im spending a good lot of time with her mate and not her even though ive tried to organise everythin with her in it( she says shes too tired), I know for a fact she is jealous that me and yer man are good mates now.

Shes recently been hanging around with a new group of girls and she accuses me of spying on her even though her mate ( my mate as well) and he tells me what she gets up to. Even though i never ask! She still tells me everything as well but now she thinks im goin behind her back telling her mate everything which im not and ive no idea why she wont believe me.Ive tried everything to explain to her that anythin shes told me is her private matter between her and me and no one else. She cant see that fact that i can keep private details to myself, unlike her other mates..

Anyway up until last weekend everything came to a head, she was supposed to be coming out with me which was her idea, ( this bit seems so ****ing childish), i rang her to see what time she was coming out at ( hadn't been out with her in ages due to her gettin a new job with long hours). She said shed be out in a while and then i got a call off her mate( which is my mate too) that she was going out with them, even though she said she was goin out with me. I confronted her about this and she turned around and told me to stop telling her how to live her life and u believe anythin thats the male mate says ove mer.We haven't talked since

Its all very messy! I met up for lunch with her today and she told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore because she doesnt believe what i say anymore and im a gossip and that i chose yer man over her as a friend regarding the other night. I gave her one last text tellin her all the stuff i did for her and all the times i forgave her yet she cant forgive me. She hasnt replied

Its like iv'e just been forgotten...

I'm just so hurt and confused and i feel physically sick and i dont know what to do,i feel lost...

LegacyUser

Drained wrote: »

she would accuse me terribly of everything under the sun, to cheating to going behind her back talking about her ( which she always did when we went out).

Sorry that bit(( which she always did when we went out))). is a typo error!

lynsalot

Hi OP

Firstly you've not done anything wrong - you didn't choose this male friend over her. You were left in the lurch when she called it off and you became closer to a mutual friend. You're entitled to do that! I'm sorry to say this but I think this girl is using you. She doesn't appear to have proper real feelings for you. She's not there for you... a relationship is built on mutual support, love and respect. She doesn't respect you. You sound like such a nice guy and its true that nice guys finish last.

You can't let this girl treat you this way anymore. Stop letting her make the decisions. You've said she's forgotten you. She's not wanting to be friends with you. You need to make a decision for yourself. I mean really... what do you get from the relationship you have with her?

I promise you there are nicer girls out there who will appreciate you. This girl needs a counsellor, needs to sort her life out and unfortunately she's abusing your friendship. My advice for you is to go out with "yer man" and enjoy yourself and don't worry about what this girl thinks. She is far too self centred. I believe in fate and I think things happen for a reason. If things are meant to be they'll happen but you need to retain your self respect. don't let her treat you this way. You deserve better mate!!

Hope this helps somewhat
xx

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the reply lynsalot, i know ur right,i know this is only a forum on the internet but your post gives me some strength! Jesus i sound like a wuss!! the thing that annoys me the most is that i can give advice easily i just cant bloody well take it from anyone which is so frustrating, but an impartial view is great, ive never had that before!

CDfm

Drained wrote: »

This is a long one so bear with me...

Bear in mind im usually happy go lucky honest guy.

At this point ill point out that this girl IS appreciative but she forgets everything too quickly, that and shes 22.

I'm just so hurt and confused and i feel physically sick and i dont know what to do,i feel lost...

You are in love with an illusion. I can see how you might love her but she is not likeable and not very nice.

She has dominated your life since you met her. You are not her parents or her councelling service or private bank.

The answer on what to do is nothing. Dont talk to her or even try to explain to her that how she treats people is appalling. Just have nothing to do with her. If her friends want to tell you stuff say you dont want to know. Go one better - tell the friend that you think she is nicer,smarter and better looking and ask her out.

It comes accross that she has dominated your life for a bit so let her off.

starchild

its very hard when someone close to you shuts you out of their life especially when there is no good reason for it

from reading your post its clear that you have done a huge amount for this girl, now is the time to stop. Even were she to contact you tomorrow it is highly unlikely anything would change

it would seem to me that she could not handle seeing you being friends with someone else and not her. thats her issue and she must deal with it

keep in mind that you know you were a good friend to her and did nothing wrong

Sometimes we attract people into our lives who constantly need us, it makes us feel good subconsciously to help them but the reality is that we are living out their dramas with them. Its not healthy and is not good for you, try and enjoy the fact that you no longer have to be an emotional crutch for her

right now your ex is using silence as a way to control and hurt you, the best way to defeat this is by living your life and not thinking about her. i would personally cut all contact and if there is ever any future friendship i would leave it to her to instigate and i would certainly voice my anger & disappointment as to her current behaviour

You seem a decent individual with a high regard for your friends/partners, with that sort of attitude you will soon find new friends (new girlfriend)who deserve you

CDfm

OP - here is a site you should skim through by an Irish writer Mary Cleary who is an activist on male issues

http://www.thatbitchbook.com/

Just look at the Readers Stories and the video and while their stories are different the tantrums,manipulation and mayhem is similar to what you have gone thru.

I was in two minds of posting the link but felt you need it.

Ickle Magoo

You counselled her re depression, supported her when her friends were being horrible, you trawled the inter web for advice, you spent long nights with her crying on your shoulder, you tried to balance her books when she was blowing all her cash on clothes & going out, you gave her money, lied to her parents for her & helped her get a job....

And in return she doesn't appreciate what you do, doesn't want you getting too pally with her friends, doesn't trust you, accuses you of cheating & talking about her behind her back & of smothering her, blows you off for her pals & now doesn't want to be your friend any more?

I know you're upset but from an outsiders perspective, you're better off out of it. I don't think relationships ever work when they are so out of kilter that one person is doing everything for the other. I would think you would get much more satisfaction & much less grief should you enter into a relationship which has better balance, ie you want and need to do less for your partner & they want less from you.

Piriz

hey,
reading your story it was like reading my own story of a situation i was in when i was your age, seriously the similarities are incredible. Anyway, i suggest you follow the advice given, she will drain the life out of you and shes not worth it... do you really want a life of that ****? i know you feel close to her and miss her company but she is trouble..no two ways about it!
the balance is one sided and this constant emotional trauma that she puts you through is not healthy, think of where your head will/would be after another 3,4,5 years of that... it will get more intense and one last straw will break the camels back, eventually! its possible this could potentially **** your head right up if it continues/escalates..
get away from her, enjoy your new mate and college or work or whatever else the future holds... you'll do better than her, trust me, you sound like a sound decent chap!
good luck,
remember she needs to grow up and you need to ignore her and aim to move on!

cafecolour

She just did you a favour. Avoid talking to her anymore, even if she initiates contact. You don't want to be friends with her, trust me. She'll keep using you, and every time you see her will set you back in trying to get over her - which you're clearly not.

bluecell99

Hard as it is you must cut the contact completely.She has massive problems and will ultimately destoy you.You are clearly a sound and giving person and somtimes this type of person attracts the user,the emotional basket case etc.This has happened to you and your energy is sapped;you are left wondering why;you begin to doubt yourself;you feel you did not do enough.

The questioning stops now.Move on and in no time and enjoy life.Have the craic with others.I hope you will recognise the signals in the future and you wont have to go thru such a nightmare again.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies. I know for a fact that im not over her but i thought could suppress those feelings in order to make sure she was over her depression.

And indeed it has been a ****ing nightmare, i was tossing and turning all night thinking of all the **** i did and the no thanks did i really get, not that i expected any.

The only problem that i forsee is that we are all part of the same group, goin out wise which could lead to some awkwardness. But i think im able to handle it so its up to her herself to ****ing deal with it.

I am angry and frustrated but reading all your replies so far how can moving on not be best for me. I actually feel sorry for her as she isnt a bad person, its very hard to describe, its like she is/was the ''misunderstood person in school'', if you get what i mean.Maybe one day if she grows up she might remember all the stuff i did, although somehow i highly doubt it.

LegacyUser

Get as far away from this girl as you possibly can. She sounds like a silly school girl. Do not waste any more of your time on her.

CDfm

Drained wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your replies. I know for a fact that im not over her but i thought could suppress those feelings in order to make sure she was over her depression.

Depression is a medical condition and how can you be sure she has been diagnosed with that?

I mean - you met her parents. Did they mention depession or was it a tactic she used to manipulate you. Thats not to say she wasnt very upset or very worried at her own financial problems but that is not depression. It worked because you did the worrying and its now sorted and she got what she needed/wanted.Even her parents let you help.

What proof do you have that she has depression and even if she has that does not give her a god given right to be nasty.

The only problem that i forsee is that we are all part of the same group, goin out wise which could lead to some awkwardness. But i think im able to handle it so its up to her herself to ****ing deal with it.

You have responsibility for you, If she finds it hard then that is tough, In reality you will find there are people who are indifferent her behaviour. Dont be afraid to say( if the need arises) out loud in company to her that she had no problem in getting you to lie to her parents about her finances and to put a sock in the dramatics(in fact if you have a stock phrase like that which is true to use with gossipy friends or to her face you will be prepared for anything)

I am angry and frustrated but reading all your replies so far how can moving on not be best for me. I actually feel sorry for her as she isnt a bad person, its very hard to describe, its like she is/was the ''misunderstood person in school'', if you get what i mean.Maybe one day if she grows up she might remember all the stuff i did, although somehow i highly doubt it.

But this is not school and you have no responsibility for her. Thats not to say she is not attractive and great fun to be with and even loving but its because of this you invested a lot of emotional energy into her and feel used and underappreciated.

I dont want to speculate but ypu have seen the messed up side of her and she may not like that because it interferes with the more attractive image of herself she wants to portray and that could make her nasty.Thats a part of it you need to be careful of.

CDfm

CDfm wrote: »

But this is not school and you have no respinsibility for her.

I do have to emphasise this responsibility part.
OP, I kinda know where you are coming from. Was in a relationship with someone who certainly had issues- not remotely as many as your ex, but issues nonetheless. Even after being dumped by this person and having my heart trampled on, I was still made to feel responsible for them and continued being an emotional support and used by them with no thanks except to be treated more and more badly until they eventually started blaming me for their original problems.
:rolleyes:
I doubt you'll ever get thanks. It's nice sometimes to imagine that maybe one day they might actually wake up and see sense, grow up, etc but the reality is they probably won't. Am with ya on the draining part! Try and move on and forget about her and just enjoy life

CDfm

bluewolf wrote: »

I was still made to feel responsible for them and continued being an emotional support and used by them with no thanks except to be treated more and more badly until they eventually started blaming me for their original problems.

Yup and when you dont agree its your fault and thats when he/she has a depressive episode hissy fit/tantrum;)

CDfm

CDfm wrote: »

Yup and when you dont agree its your fault and thats when she has a depressive episode hissy fit/tantrum;)

Well it was a he, but ok... more like continued bitching behind my back and putting me down all the time. It's rather scary how your confidence can be decimated that way.


p.s. don't worry, i get jokes :P

ellie1

op,

You should never get involved in relationships where your role becomes one of a rescuer or helper. You need to be careful in future that you dont continue to go for women who are this emotionally draining on you. I know there is loads of books for women who get into these relationships but dont know any for men. Your post comes across as somewhat analysing and obsessing with all the ins and outs. This is something I used to do. Stay away from this type of woman as she will drag the life out of you.

CDfm

bluewolf wrote: »

Well it was a he, but ok... more like continued bitching behind my back and putting me down all the time. It's rather scary how your confidence can be decimated that way.


p.s. don't worry, i get jokes :P

grow a pair:D

My own view is that this type of behaviour is not gender specific but is done by a person to deliberetely hurt. So its meant to keep you in line.

CDfm

ellie1 wrote: »

I know there is loads of books for women who get into these relationships but dont know any for men.

CDfm wrote: »

OP - here is a site you should skim through by an Irish writer Mary Cleary who is an activist on male issues

http://www.thatbitchbook.com/

Just look at the Readers Stories and the video and while their stories are different the tantrums,manipulation and mayhem is similar to what you have gone thru.

I was in two minds of posting the link but felt you need it.

Just for you but Susan Forward the US psychologist writes books in the female gender but they are meant for use by women and men.This one Emotional Blackmail is like that

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-Susan-Forward/dp/0694518379

LegacyUser

ellie1 wrote: »

I dont want to speculate but ypu have seen the messed up side of her and she may not like that because it interferes with the more attractive image of herself she wants to portray and that could make her nasty.Thats a part of it you need to be careful of

Pretty much nailed it on the head there, as i know all of her and the familys secrets this i think is a very valid point and rings true to me!

ellie1 wrote: »

Depression is a medical condition and how can you be sure she has been diagnosed with that?

I mean - you met her parents. Did they mention depession or was it a tactic she used to manipulate you. Thats not to say she wasnt very upset or very worried at her own financial problems but that is not depression. It worked because you did the worrying and its now sorted and she got what she needed/wanted.Even her parents let you help.

What proof do you have that she has depression and even if she has that does not give her a god given right to be nasty.

Her parents hadnt a clue she was ''depressed'',as she never gave any answers to her parents, in turn they were confused and hadnt a clue how to handle her, in turn she was too afraid to tell her mother who makes her life hell anyway, ive seen it firsthand!They just treat her like a child, which in some cases answers some questions about her personality!

They more or less fine tooth combed me for answers! I tried my best to tread on eggshells out of the respect i had for her*stupid mistake*and out of the respect for the parents as they had no idea what was going on in their daughters life.I told them bits n pieces what i knew, looking back i dont know if that was a good or bad decision cos they were more or less pleading with me to tell them all what i knew.I thought they had a right to know and that they could help her better than i could. At one part they were almost tryin to imply whatever happened was all my fault, i wasnt having any of that..

I dont have any proof of depression just some deeply personal things the parents told me which would effect anyone deeply if they havent the right mechanisms to cope with, or realise what they need to go through to help themselves cope with such situations

ellie1 wrote: »

Your post comes across as somewhat analysing and obsessing with all the ins and outs.

As a person as a whole im not this bloody anal in general situations, Maybe so in that post, maybe its that negative effect she had on me but i needed to recollect everything that happened to come to some sort of closure.

P.S thanks for all your replies, very much appreciated.

CDfm thanks in particular for your continued replies

Jesus whatever happened to me, i used enjoy the simple things in life, beer and football!! Gas how life experiences change you!

ellie1

As a person as a whole im not this bloody anal in general situations, Maybe so in that post, maybe its that negative effect she had on me but i needed to recollect everything that happened to come to some sort of closure.

Just wanted you to know I did that too. I had to for closure too. I hope you didnt take it as a criticism. Thats why this type of person has such a draining effect on you. Sucking the life and soul out of you. Hope you meet some chilled out chick whenever your ready!:)

lynsalot

Hi OP
Ya know I was diagnosed with depression in January and I've had lots and lots of these kinds of relationships... not just sexual but friendships where I needed help and support and couldn't cope etc. My husband has been terrific. He has helped me realise it is an illness and I'm on anti depressants and have never been better. I am so much more rational and happy than before.

That being said... I know I can complain a lot, I know I can be draining, I know that I need to help and support my husband as much as he does for me and i'm very careful to make sure I don't abuse his love.

She mightn't realise there is help out there but she knows she's not treating you properly. I knew it when I was in previous relationships. I couldn't help it but I knew. I don't know if that helps you understand her. A lot of ppl get "down" and it's not depression. She needs to see a doctor. I'm sure you've said this already. You need to understand that it's not healthy for you to be so involved. The biggest lesson I learned was i'm responsbile for myself and a relationship is based on mutual respect. My husband can't fix the errors of the world and I realised that my "issues" were something I had to do something about. She needs to get help and if she doesn't or won't you can't make her do it. I know this from personal experience.

I know you've heard it already but you're better off without her. You have your own life to live. Why waste anymore time in a relationship with someone who has all the control and can call it off or on whenever she likes. You could be meeting someone new who will treat you properly and believe me when that happens you'll wonder why you hung around for this other girl so long

Stheno

Drained wrote: »

Jesus whatever happened to me, i used enjoy the simple things in life, beer and football!! Gas how life experiences change you!

Op believe me you are better off without her.

I'd have to ask, what did you ever get out of the relationship? I know it's your side of things, but it sounds like you pandered to her every need, with no real consideration for yourself, and it was a hopelessly inequal relationship.

You don't need that, I've been there, and it was awful, I could have written lots of what you have posted. Move on, with time you will feel better, and hopefully end up in a more equal relationship, and realise what you were missing out on.

IMO your ex gf sounds like a complete leech who takes no personal responsibility for herself whatsoever. If she does have depression, she needs to seek treatment for it.

sanj2408

Reading your post I was convinced at the beginning you were my sisters boyfriend! I realise after reading the rest of your post that you are not.
My sister also 22 has had problems with depression for the last while and spent a short stint in hospital because of it. As a family we try to be as supportive as possible but Im sure there are things she can only speak to him about.
She moved in with him shortly after leaving hospital and Im happy to say she seems to be doing much better now.
She was very very hard to live with at the time, crying into the small hours of the morning, not eating, never cracked a smile and the worst thing was that there seemed to be nothing we could do to cheer her up.
We initially thought that her boyfriend could be part of the cause of her depressive state but have realised since that he went through as much as we did at the time.
This may seem like a lot of rambling but my point is that she got help, was diagnosed and had treatment. If this girl hasn't done that then thats where she needs to start. She has treated you appallingly and her illness (if she has one) is no excuse for that.
Im afriad that it seems to me that until she sorts herself out she cant have any sort of relationship with you or anyone else.
As for "yer man", if ye hit it off then carry on being friends with him, who is she to stop you????

CDfm

Drained wrote: »

Pretty much nailed it on the head there, as i know all of her and the familys secrets this i think is a very valid point and rings true to me!

So you need to lighten up and be easier on you.

Lots of this type of game playing and secrets are just excuses that are used to justify behaviour. Whats funny is that they are very effective and work. You know they work because they worked on you.

I dont have any proof of depression just some deeply personal things the parents told me which would effect anyone deeply if they havent the right mechanisms to cope with, or realise what they need to go through to help themselves cope with such situations

But you saw how they treat each other. Even if she is not depressed there is a lot of dishonesty and manipulation going around.

They can live like that happily and know the rules but its not for you.

Jesus whatever happened to me, i used enjoy the simple things in life, beer and football!! Gas how life experiences change you!

Well you have to get in touch with your girlie side and have a real bitch moan. Post something petty and mean about her so we know you catching on.

CDfm

sanj2408 wrote: »

She moved in with him shortly after leaving hospital and Im happy to say she seems to be doing much better now.

lynsalot wrote: »

Hi OP
Ya know I was diagnosed with depression in January .....I am so much more rational and happy than before.

A lot of ppl get "down" and it's not depression.

I love hearing good news stories and am glad everything is working out.:)

There is a positive side I forgot to say if you have been affected there is no harm in seeing someone or a doctor for a chat to put it to one side.