When do you become the girlfriend?

LegacyUser

Out of confusion could please give me your opinion on when you become boyfriend/girlfriend rather than just dating? How long did it take your relationships to reach this stage?

Thanks in advance

Silverfish

There is no timeline, its when you both want it.

How is this a personal issue for you?

cazmcco

Ha ha!!! My fella assumed that we were going out from the first night that we went on a proper date together. Only for my best friend (who was also great friends with my fella) new that i wouldn't assume anything and told him to ask me to confirm it. He did the day after the two lads had the chat!!!! Men!!!!
Id never assume that it was official, so if your a fella and wondering id say ask her! If nothing else its always nice to be asked!:D
If your a girl, discretely bring up the subject and you'll soon know what he wants by his reaction!!!

PCPhoto

for me - if you meet someone 3 times in a row you are starting a relationship (exclusive) ...... so you make sure you dont arrange to meet up with anyone else .... as to when you make it official..... that depends on the couple - how often you see each other and how you feel about each other ? and then you have "the talk"

Personally ..... if I meet up (date) someone more than 5/6/7 times..... I'm in a relationship - but its not officially a relationship until "the talk"

LegacyUser

Yeah I'm a girl. So I don't wanna bring it up in case he gets all freaked out and scared off...then again I think he is presuming we are...any tips on how to go about finding out without being so obvious about it!!??

cazmcco

Have you any friends that are friends with him? May be they could have a little whisper in his ear for you? (Twas awful handy for me that my friend took it upon himself to have the chat with him for me!!!)
To be honest i don't know what the best way for you to go about it. Id be ****ting a brick (have been in the past). However in my experience being direct is the best way to go about it. But bear in mind that hes a fella & they can be a bit silly at times (sorry fellas), so gently is the way to go!

Sure look, if he doesnt want anything serious, and your direct about it at least you will know for definate and not wonder if you were obvious enough for him to see what you were asking. And then from there you can decide if you want to be in the 'freinds with benefits' situation.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Yeah I'm a girl. So I don't wanna bring it up in case he gets all freaked out and scared off.

congrats, you're not in a relationship

SheRa

bluewolf wrote: »

congrats, you're not in a relationship

A bit harsh bluewolf but I can see what you are getting at. Op if you aren't comfortable enough with him to even ask him this, thats not a good sign.

Whats the worst that could happen if you bring it up? If he gets scared off then you wouldn't want to be with someone like that in the first place and its better that you know now rather than later.

upmeath

I have a close female friend who was with her boyfriend for over a year without labelling their relationship as such. Then one night after 13 or 14 months he referred to her as "my girlfriend" when he introduced her to a mate of his. No talk, no questions asked, maybe an assumption made on both sides at some stage about 8 or 9 months previous.

It's only a tag, I know it implies exclusivity but if you're both genuinely interested in each other and in pursuing a relationship together, then that exclusivity and security will already be there.

star-pants

I don't see any harm in just asking - I've done that before after a certain amount of time, or when I wanted clarification. There's no pressure, you're just asking where ye both stand, explain you like him (if you want him as your bf) and would like that.

Barracudaincork

If you want to find out for sure, straight after sex ask him are you allowed to sleep with other people or did he see you as "exclusive", his reaction will tell you heaps and he will more than likely say No your not and therefore you are a couple, however, if he does say Yes, you just say cool and give he a little peck on the cheek with a coy smile on your face. Which will make him wonder why you asked and his own insecurities will rise and before you know it, your a couple Its a win win situation either way!

Oh for heavens sake...

Comments like "it's only a tag" and "ask him if you are allowed to see other people" are not the way to go.

Firstly being a boyfriend/girlfriend is a relationship.It's usually an exclusivity deal aswell.

Op...
Big giggly smile on you now and off over to the the lad and be flirty,go off on another date and half jokingly come right out with it.
Be sure to be laughing your way through it and tag the organisation of the next date into it...Use the line "Now that you are my BOYFRIEND AND ALL..." [say that bit out loud while laughing].
The early days of this are supposed to be fun.
In fact it's all supposed to be fun!

Be relaxed and fine about it will be either confirmed or it won't.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

I'm not sure if it's the length of time or the amount of time you actually spend together.

I'm in a similar situation myself. It's been about a month and normally if I was seeing someone for that lenght of time I certainly wouldn't consider it a relationshup, but then I'd probably only see them once or twice a week.

This I seen him 5-6 times a week and spend all day together at weekends... it feels like a relationship but you can never tell what the other person is thinking.

congrats, you're not in a relationship

Bluewolf, it's a new relationship. Even people in 6 year relationships can't read their partners minds and will be nervous when approaching them about a mojor milestone in their relationship so stop being so patronising. You ain't no expert.

John Mason

If you have to ask the question, you are not a girlfriend

Polleta

I've only had 'the chat' once and when he brought it up I was taken aback cos I wasn't really interested in a relationship per se which I told him so we went our separate ways shortly after. That was after about a month.

My last relationship we never had a chat about it we just kinda assumed it at some stage along the way though he changed his facebook status from single to nothing which was probably his way of skipping a chat. Sounds like a 15yr old move rather than the 28 yr old man he was!


The present guy well its a complicated senario by the fact we'd just met before moving to other sides of the world for a year so 6 months in we still chat constantly but haven't seen each other so not exactly a relationship.. suppose friends who want more or something. Free to meet other people if they pop along but I certainly haven't met anyone. We'll be chatting when we are back in the same place soon enough.

It shoudl be just a natural not very taxing step and everyone is different so it might be one date or it might be three months of dating...

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

Bluewolf, it's a new relationship. Even people in 6 year relationships can't read their partners minds and will be nervous when approaching them about a mojor milestone in their relationship so stop being so patronising. You ain't no expert.

(a) I love double negatives, and

(b) If you're nervous about approaching your OH after 6 years, that's 6 years wasted. Do you not understand what a relationship is ffs?

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

If you have to ask the question, you are not a girlfriend

+1

LegacyUser

(b) If you're nervous about approaching your OH after 6 years, that's 6 years wasted. Do you not understand what a relationship is ffs?

So Prinz, take asking OH to marry you... you wouldn't be a bit nervous? Being in a relationship doesn't mean merging into one person and always knowing what your partner is thinking.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

So Prinz, take asking OH to marry you... you wouldn't be a bit nervous? Being in a relationship doesn't mean merging into one person and always knowing what your partner is thinking.

Actually that should be the aim of the relationship.

tbh I usually know what my friends are thinking. It's called knowing people close to you well.

I've been with my gf just over 3 years and I proposed without the slightest hesitation, nerves or worry because I knew what the answer would be. If you're, as in your example together 6 years, and you're nervous about proposing........ what a huge waste of time.

Terodil

Unregistered wrote: »

This I seen him 5-6 times a week and spend all day together at weekends... it feels like a relationship but you can never tell what the other person is thinking.

Right. I don't understand how you can't know after a whole month of daily contact. But ok... then ask him!

You are supposed/want to be in a relationship, and you don't even dare ask? Bluewolf is right, in that case you either are in no relationship or you have serious trouble to communicate, in which case I'd suggest counselling.

Unregistered wrote: »

Bluewolf, it's a new relationship. Even people in 6 year relationships can't read their partners minds and will be nervous when approaching them about a mojor milestone in their relationship so stop being so patronising. You ain't no expert.

The only one patronising here is you. Being nervous is one thing, being unable to communicate another.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

Actually that should be the aim of the relationship.

Are you for real?? Thats not a healthy relationship at all.

Polleta

Unregistered wrote: »

Are you for real?? Thats not a healthy relationship at all.

I might be reading this wrong but the aim of any relationship is marriage if you are being mature and really love/ want to be with that person.. what exactly is unhealthy about that?

What age are you if you dont mind me asking?

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

Are you for real?? Thats not a healthy relationship at all.

As opposed to what a 6 year relationship where one person is nervous about bringing up marriage because they have no idea of how the other will react / feel? That's your idea of healthy? No wonder there are so many f***ed relationships in the world.





*failed

Barracudaincork

I dont think you can say the aim of every relationship is marriage. The aim should be all those things you say in your marriage vows, love, honor, sickness and in health etc Not the actual marriage itself.

What about those who dont want to or cant get married, due to same sex relationships, religious reasons etc

Just ask him and dont feel any loss of face when doing so, if you want to be his girlfriend then just ask, there is no shame in wanting to be someones girlfriend. If you were looking for a house, you would tell the estate agent what you wanted and you wouldnt hesitate, same for a car or a job and other aspects in life, treat your romantic wishes the same.

TBH he will have more than likely assumed you are a couple and will think it funny you might of doubted it, men just dont say what they think sometimes, but that doesnt mean they dont think it.

LegacyUser

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
So Prinz, take asking OH to marry you... you wouldn't be a bit nervous? Being in a relationship doesn't mean merging into one person and always knowing what your partner is thinking.

Actually that should be the aim of the relationship. BULL****

Op, I think a lot of people are nervous when asking their partner to marry them. Its a huge committment for the rest of your life most of the time.:)

I agree that you dont have to merge into one person and always know what the other is thinking. That is very far fetched and impossible. We never truely know another person. We all have hidden sides that we never reveal even to those closest to us.

The aim of a relationship is not to know everything the person is thinking.

Take your time op and have patience with this guy. Its okay to be nervous to ask him but one of you will have to.

Dont mind some of the know it all, perfect relationships should be all rosy in the garden, excellent communicators bloddy preachers on here. You would swear they never were nervous or confused or had doubts.

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

As opposed to what a 6 year relationship where one person is nervous about bringing up marriage because they have no idea of how the other will react / feel? That's your idea of healthy? No wonder there are so many f***ed relationships in the world.

That's not what that poster said at all. They questioned the idea that 'two people merging to one, knowing what the other person is thinking the whole time' is a healthy relationship.

As would I. Two people 'merging' into one person is not healthy in the least. I know couples like that and they are absolutely nauseating. Also, if I knew what my bf was thinking all the time, I would be bored out of my brain quite frankly. It'd be like dating myself, and in that case I might as well be single.

However... there's a difference between not knowing what the other person is thinking and being afraid to bring something up. The first is perfectly normal - none of us are mindreaders, and if you're not sure, just ask.
If you're afraid to bring it up... that's not healthy either. There's something amiss there. You shouldn't be afraid to discuss anything with your partner.

ellie1

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered
So Prinz, take asking OH to marry you... you wouldn't be a bit nervous? Being in a relationship doesn't mean merging into one person and always knowing what your partner is thinking.

Actually that should be the aim of the relationship.

I dont think this should be the aim at all. I would be a bit put off by someone always knowing or wanting to know what i was thinking.

Op, you have to have the "talk". I would be nervous too. Maybe if you wait a little longer, he will bring it up. For now It sounds like things are going well. Some people wait a couple of months, some less. Hope it all works out for you.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

tbh I usually know what my friends are thinking. It's called knowing people close to you well.

I'm sure you think that you can tell exactly what they are thinking, you do sound like a right little know it all. Fact is you're only assuming, you have no way of knowing without asking.

prinz wrote: »

I've been with my gf just over 3 years and I proposed without the slightest hesitation, nerves or worry because I knew what the answer would be. If you're, as in your example together 6 years, and you're nervous about proposing........ what a huge waste of time.

Good for you, but most would be nervous and that is only natural.

You are supposed/want to be in a relationship, and you don't even dare ask? Bluewolf is right, in that case you either are in no relationship or you have serious trouble to communicate, in which case I'd suggest counselling.

The only one patronising here is you. Being nervous is one thing, being unable to communicate another.

What I actually said was it's normal to be nervous, not that I/or the poster wouldn't/shouldn't dare to ask.

What exactly did you find patronising there terodil? Being nervous about communication is not an inability to communicate.

I might be reading this wrong but the aim of any relationship is marriage if you are being mature and really love/ want to be with that person.. what exactly is unhealthy about that?

No it's not, I have no desire to ever get married. Wouldn't rule it out if a partner wanted it but personally I don't need a piece of paper or a public show to concrete a relationship.

I'm 28, not that it's at all relevant.

As opposed to what a 6 year relationship where one person is nervous about bringing up marriage because they have no idea of how the other will react / feel? That's your idea of healthy? No wonder there are so many f***ed relationships in the world.

Whats unhealthy about being nervous about how a partner will react to marriage proposal?





What age are you if you dont mind me asking?

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

As would I. Two people 'merging' into one person is not healthy in the least. I know couples like that and they are absolutely nauseating.

However... there's a difference between not knowing what the other person is thinking and being afraid to bring something up. The first is perfectly normal - none of us are mindreaders, and if you're not sure, just ask.
If you're afraid to bring it up... that's not healthy either. There's something amiss there. You shouldn't be afraid to discuss anything with your partner.

See the highlighted line above? My point. Also as I was saying I don't 'know' what my OH wants for dinner etc., but at the same time we know how we feel and what we think about the important things - such as 'are we in a relationship? where are we going? how do we see us progressing? etc, and important issues, politics, the economy, abortion whatever. When you communicate with your OH it has been my experience that I actually build up an insight into my OH's mindset and I know how she would feel about certain things. That's not unhealthy. By two people merging it means two people knowing each other so well that they have a good idea where the other stands on any issue asked. Which really is just knowing the person you plan to spend your life with better than anyone else. Lovers should also be best friends.

I don't understand how you could be in a relationship and not know how the other person feels about major life decisions without having to ask straight-out. If you're nervous about something major, then something major is wrong in that relationship. Like I gave my example of proposing to my OH, I didn't feel nervous or strange, I knew she would accept and be happy to accept. We've had 3 years of being first and foremost best-friends, so of course I knew how she felt about us. I know how she'd react in pretty much every situation, because we communicate.


"Even people in 6 year relationships can't read their partners minds and will be nervous when approaching them about a major milestone in their relationship so stop being so patronising"

ellie1

I don't understand how you could be in a relationship and not know how the other person feels about major life decisions without having to ask straight-out. If you're nervous about something major, then something major is wrong in that relationship. Like I gave my example of proposing to my OH, I didn't feel nervous or strange, I knew she would accept and be happy to accept.

Its great that you were so sure and certain within your relationship. Many people feel nervous proposing as its a huge lifetime committment. I have seen people shaking with nerves before they marry as well. That does not mean there is anything wrong in there relationships. Many people change there opinions on major life decisions such as babies, marriage houses over the course of their relationships and many people in relationships feel nervous about discussing things with their long term partners. All relationships are different and imperfect just like the people in them.And not all live up to perfect expectations

The op is at an early stage in her relationship so she doesnt have the same bond and understanding as you obviously have in your relationship.

puglover

OP I'm presuming that you would like to make things 'official' since this is a PI for you. Just have the relationship chat... it's no big deal really.

If he gets scared off you can consider yourself as having had a lucky escape anyhow :pac: Good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. I seriously didn't expect half as many. I suppose I could of explained my situation a little better. Basically I am seening a guy for about three months or less. It started off as just kinda f*ck buddies and progressed from there. I know we are getting to that relationship stage but if we are there yet is still the question.

What I was wondering is, do guys presume they are going out with someone or do they have the conversation of "do you want to be my girlfriend" still? I haven't been in many relationships and most of the ex's have done the whole cringy thing of asking me formally. But I know a lot of guys these days who just presume it. I have the feeling that he has presumed it a few weeks ago but nothing has been said.

I really like the guy and I would jump at the chance to be him girlfriend, but I don't want to be hurt if he doesn't want to be exclusive. So... to cut a long story short....I met a new guy. He is sweet and has a potential. Except I'm kinda unsure if I should go for on a date with him. Would I be cheating, if I go on the date with my back-up?!

Polleta

At 28 he should know when he is in a relationship but maybe the best thing would be to say you have been asked out by someone and realised you werent sure what was going on here....

RacoonQueen

I've never had 'the talk' with anyone and have had long term 'exclusive' relationships. You don't have to have any such talk.

prinz

RacoonQueen wrote: »

I've never had 'the talk' with anyone and have had long term 'exclusive' relationships. You don't have to have any such talk.

+1

Bingo. At least someone has their head screwed on and out of Bridget Jones bleedin diary.

So much drama and issue making out of nothing.

moco

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I seriously didn't expect half as many. I suppose I could of explained my situation a little better. Basically I am seening a guy for about three months or less. It started off as just kinda f*ck buddies and progressed from there. I know we are getting to that relationship stage but if we are there yet is still the question.

What I was wondering is, do guys presume they are going out with someone or do they have the conversation of "do you want to be my girlfriend" still? I haven't been in many relationships and most of the ex's have done the whole cringy thing of asking me formally. But I know a lot of guys these days who just presume it. I have the feeling that he has presumed it a few weeks ago but nothing has been said.

I really like the guy and I would jump at the chance to be him girlfriend, but I don't want to be hurt if he doesn't want to be exclusive. So... to cut a long story short....I met a new guy. He is sweet and has a potential. Except I'm kinda unsure if I should go for on a date with him. Would I be cheating, if I go on the date with my back-up?!

Who do you like best, the guy you're seeing or the new one?

I'm in a similar situation to you, although it's only been going on a few weeks. I don't know if we're officially a couple although the way he's treating me suggests he thinks we are/wants us to be and I'm happy with that.

Someone else asked me out yesterday and I said no, not because I'm unsure if I have a boyfriend and if it'd be cheating, but because I really like the guy I'm seeing and don't want to take a chance on messing it up.

If you like the guy you've been with a few months then stick with it and be patient as long as he's making you happy. Forget about the new guy for now is my advice!

LegacyUser

"So much drama and issue making out of nothing."

So condescending and patronising from the man with the perfect relationship

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

"So much drama and issue making out of nothing."

So condescending and patronising from the man with the perfect relationship

+1

OP, when I met my now OH I didnt assume anything but in saying that I knew where we stood within a month or less...

Its hard to know what he is thinking given that you started off with a purely sexual relationship.. I would, if I were you, have a chat with Guy A about the relationship.. Maybe be honest and say you have been asked out by someone else but dont know what the story is... He will let you know from that. If you go behind his back and go on a date, with him thinking you are his girlfriend, then this will only end in tears.

ellie1

+1

Bingo. At least someone has their head screwed on and out of Bridget Jones bleedin diary.

So much drama and issue making out of nothing.

This is so judgemental of you prinz. Why would you belittle the issues that a person has? Maybe they are nothing to you because your relationship is going so well. What a perfect world we would be in if we all had a perfect issue free drama free relationship like you.

Op, still think you should sit down with current guy and ask where its all going. If its meant to be , he will say what he whats. If not, you can date guy two:D

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

"So much drama and issue making out of nothing."

So condescending and patronising from the man with the perfect relationship

:pac: Jealousy will get you nowhere, well except being bitter and posting bizarre replies anonymously.

prinz

SarahSassy wrote: »

+1

OP, when I met my now OH I didnt assume anything but in saying that I knew where we stood within a month or less...

Its hard to know what he is thinking given that you started off with a purely sexual relationship.. I would, if I were you, have a chat with Guy A about the relationship.. Maybe be honest and say you have been asked out by someone else but dont know what the story is... He will let you know from that. If you go behind his back and go on a date, with him thinking you are his girlfriend, then this will only end in tears.

Look at that, I agree 100%

prinz

ellie1 wrote: »

This is so judgemental of you prinz. Why would you belittle the issues that a person has? Maybe they are nothing to you because your relationship is going so well. What a perfect world we would be in if we all had a perfect issue free drama free relationship like you.

Op, still think you should sit down with current guy and ask where its all going. If its meant to be , he will say what he whats. If not, you can date guy two:D

I wasn't belittling the issue, it was the replies which were making a bigger issue of things, talking about a timeline, "the chat", playing mind games etc. All the OP has to do is talk to the guy about it and ask him what he thinks the story is.

SarahSassy

prinz wrote: »

:pac: Jealousy will get you nowhere, well except being bitter and posting bizarre replies anonymously.

Amazing how everyone else is wrong.....

ellie1

Hope it all works out for you op

ellie1

All the OP has to do is talk to the guy about it and ask him what he thinks the story is.

The op is looking for advice on an issue important to her. I know you can talk to your girlfriend sometimes telepathtically apparently:D. However, this might be difficult for other people who havent got your excellent communication skills, charisma and patience:D