I think I hate my dad

useful_contacts

Inspired by a fellow members post about their parents / drink i decided id throw this out and see what others reaction is

I am 23- my mam died when i was 2- my dad remarried within a year(i found out later he was having an affair with my stepmam when my mam was dying but thats a diff story)

My dad(and stepmam) always had an odd drink thing that i knew about but never fully understood. My dad has a business(v successful) and has a good bit of money. he works v hard for 3 weeks and then he (and stepmam) go on a bender for a week(i mean 12pm- 10pm drinking and the scary thing is im not exaggerating )

Sometimes we (me and my sis) would sit in the pub for hours with a coke and a bag of crisps and be told to stay quite while they drank- then once we were old enough we had to man the phones in the business(which was manned from our house)

i remember having to carry my dad upstairs to bed and he vomited all over me, and my stepmam wet herself in bed and we (me and my older sis) had to take both my parents out of bed and put them into ours while we changed the sheets.

Our toilet was right in front of the stairs so i used to stay awake and listen out in case one of them woke up in the middle of the night drunk and had to pee and fell down (happened my stepmum once and was horrible)

My stepmam once beat my dad in their room and he was lying on the floor with blood on his face (i was 12 and remember cos it was the night of my conformation) and i ran in and she claimed our dog bit him(even though the dog was out in the yard at the time)

Sorry i dont know why im posting this. My sister and i were talking about it today and she hates our parents and says if mam was alive today things would be diff. My dad dosent even see his grandkids, the last time i saw him was 6 weeks ago and thats when he passed me in his car and waved.

My partner came home from a stag nght 2 weeks ago plastered (i mean he actually fell in the door) and id to put him to bed and it brought back horrible memories of having to carry dad upstairs and listening out for him in case he fell etc.

I used to worship my dad (and that was only 2 years ago) and i always thought adults got pissed and fell in the front door etc and that was what they all did (was the normal thing to do) - but i know now thats not what they do.... i have no kids but i wouldnt dare let my nieces/nephews see me in that state let alone my kids.

I always wonder why my dad and stepmam let us see them in that state

i told my dad 2 months ago he was a **** parent (i was full of drink) and he was crying (which made me feel bad)

Now me and my sis are older and we are wary with drink (her more so cos she has kids)

I know if mam had not died things would be v diff- I know it sounds like a dumb "you never knew your mam so your assuming she was great" senareo but ive a lot of bros and sis (me and my sis are 2 of 11) and my oldest bro is nearly 45 and hes told me mam was v careful with money and didnt drink etc.

So why is my dad like this

Note: I said it to my dad one day and his exact words were " Dont act like your perfect cos your not"

Overheal

You don't need him.

If theres still any minors in the house, report it to social services.

useful_contacts

Overheal wrote: »

You don't need him.

If theres still any minors in the house, report it to social services.

theres one younger she is 17(18 this october)

Shes my dad and stepmams child (i was 6 when she was born)
and shes just like my stepmam spoiled and cheeky- none of my family talk to her cos shes a druggie and the parents are turning a blind eye to it:rolleyes:

She never went through what we did (dad sold the business a month after i left home so she didnt have to man the phones and mind them when they came home drunk - she slept in friends houses when they were out) and dad hands her money like its going out of fashion(handed her 50e for new runners last month- i know because i was up visiting at the time and saw it) ) HA!!! i remember when i was 12 getting puma runners for 8pound in the second hand shop(i got bullied over them cos my stepmam came out into the garden and held them up in front of my friends and announced how cheap they were and where she bought them ) but i was dam happy to have them

It makes me ****ing sick!!!

seanybiker

how come you waited till you where full of beer to tell your da he was a crap parent. Kinda ironic being drunk telling him he was bad cos he drank. Anyways dont mind that. You obviously dont have a problem like he does.
If you can get on with your life without him then just go for it. Ya never know it might give him the kick in the arse he needs. Sadly I dont think he will change though.

useful_contacts

seanybiker wrote: »

how come you waited till you where full of beer to tell your da he was a crap parent. Kinda ironic being drunk telling him he was bad cos he drank. Anyways dont mind that. You obviously dont have a problem like he does

Im only brave enough to say it when i have drink in me- yes it is ironic i know but as ive said i said it to him before sober and all i got was a speech on how "i wasnt perfect and i should show respect to my elders"

The one time he listened he was drunk and i was mad(and drunk), i was on a diet and had lost 3 stone and he said i looked "fatter than ever" and i lost it (irony being he is the fattest one in the family) i told him he was a crap father and should have died not my mam, and he was bawling. I stormed off and he came after me and said "sorry and he loved me"

And thats the only bit of affection he showed me..

except he stayed an hour at my 21st

And at my debs he told me i looked "stumpy"

seanybiker wrote: »

If you can get on with your life without him then just go for it. Ya never know it might give him the kick in the arse he needs. Sadly I dont think he will change though.

I cant- the stupid thing is he is the only link i have to my mam- and that kills me, id love to break contact cos i bearly see him. My 2nd older sis(39 years old and v mouthy) said to him last year " we are all expected to ralley around for your birthday but when its any of our birthdays your too busy" and shes bloody right

:(:(

jim o doom

useful_contacts wrote: »

theres one younger she is 17(18 this october)

Shes my dad and stepmams child (i was 6 when she was born)
and shes just like my stepmam spoiled and cheeky- none of my family talk to her cos shes a druggie and the parents are turning a blind eye to it:rolleyes:

She never went through what we did (dad sold the business a month after i left home so she didnt have to man the phones and mind them when they came home drunk - she slept in friends houses when they were out) and dad hands her money like its going out of fashion(handed her 50e for new runners last month- i know because i was up visiting at the time and saw it) ) HA!!! i remember when i was 12 getting puma runners for 8pound in the second hand shop(i got bullied over them cos my stepmam came out into the garden and held them up in front of my friends and announced how cheap they were and where she bought them ) but i was dam happy to have them

It makes me ****ing sick!!!

ok - well TBH it sounds like you should avoid the old man - he doesn't seem to be a very positive influence in your life..

with regards to the other sibling living iwith them still? I find it weird that you mention he gave her 50 quid for new runners and you only got less as a child - it smacks of jealousy.. 50 quid for runners isnt really that expensive these days, most decent pairs run around 90!

she may be a bit cheeky - but most teenagers are, and if she is being "raised" by what you describe as two total alcoholics - then she is hardly going to have the most normal or positive outlook on things..

and tarring her with the term "druggie" isn't exactly fair either.. she's surrounded by two parent figures who use and abuse alcohol already, so substance abuse is the norm in that household clearly.. maybe try help her out. you never know, she might be a nice girl underneath it all!

useful_contacts

jim o doom wrote: »

with regards to the other sibling living with them still? I find it weird that you mention he gave her 50 quid for new runners and you only got less as a child - it smacks of jealousy.. 50 quid for runners isnt really that expensive these days, most decent pairs run around 90!

i bought kappa runners for 20 euro in a sale in lifestyle 3 weeks ago so its not jealously its common sense

jim o doom wrote: »

she may be a bit cheeky - but most teenagers are, and if she is being "raised" by what you describe as two total alcoholics - then she is hardly going to have the most normal or positive outlook on things..

i mean cheeky as in she tells her mam to "piss off" and calls my father a "******" (ive heard her call him this to his face) and she doest even get told off. Were when i was a kid i said the word "bitch" (as in a female dog) and i got the wodden spoon

jim o doom wrote: »

and tarring her with the term "druggie" isn't exactly fair either.. she's surrounded by two parent figures who use and abuse alcohol already, so substance abuse is the norm in that household clearly.. maybe try help her out. you never know, she might be a nice girl underneath it all!

Ha you are joking me- she has been CAUGHT THREE TIMES with hash and speed in her bedroom, im not tarring her - i know she does drugs, she texted my older sister (the 39 year old one) the other night by accident asking could she "get some stuff on account"

My sister told my dad and nothing was done, of course i was caught smoking when i was 16 and got a hiding for it.

And for the record she may be "surrounded by two parent figures who use and abuse alcohol already, so substance abuse is the norm in that household clearly" but i was too and so was my sister and we had to mind them and man the phones of the business and we arent druggies so dont use that excuse.

starchild

hi op

that sounds like a nightnare scenario alright and i appreciate it must have been very very difficult as you were growing up

as to what you can do it seems to me that you are going experiencing serious resentment of your dad because of how he behaved and if you really want to get through this you need to talk to him and not with drink.
i know that can be very difficult to do within families but if you need to get any sort of understanding then it needs to be done

i would caution you to remember what it must have been like for your dad when your mum died, regardless of circumstances that cannot have been an easy time for him. Bear in mind that when young parents start out with children they are learning too and very often it is the younger kids in a family who experience the stability that comes from lessons already learnt and a better financial situation from many years of earning.

if you talk to him and by talk i mean say what you have to say calmly without condemnation it may come about that he and you will have a better more happy relationship.

all the best

dudara

The one thing that jumped out at me from your post was the mention of your boyfriend.

Make sure to let him know all about your childhood and how drinking to the point of senselessness makes you feel.

Out of curiosity, what was your Dad like before your Mom died?

LegacyUser

Hi Op, Firstly, you are a survivor, you had to be and from re reading your post I think you must be incredibly strong. I had a similar childhood and when you see a partner behaving exactly as an abusive neglectful parent did it is a real wake up call.. that is probably why you are trying to make sense of it all now..there is so much anger in you-and rightly so. I read as much as i could about the adult children of alcoholic parents and went to a few groups (AA), but not until my marriage had fallen apart, as i too had married an abusive alcoholic and had to break the cycle for the sake of my kids.
Please talk to someone about this, there are loads of good books but i found sitting at the back of a room and realising when hearing others speak how damaging my early years were. You were neglected, plain and simple.But addicts will always feed the addiction first, they are addicts and in a weird way you come to see it was nothing personal.
You have your whole life in front of you despite a rocky start.
Best of luck sweetie.

Spon Farmer

useful,

your father is a loser
your stepmother is a loser

simple as that

and jim o doom is right about your stepsister. she is just a kid.
spoilt, cheeky and into drugs she may be - but still just a kid.

maybe you can help her. maybe you should help her.