****ed up

LegacyUser

i don't know what to make of myself!!! if i was treated the way i treat my boyfriend i would've walked away a long time ago!!! yet i feel im justified but i still question myself because im being such a bitch!!

like ok been with him for 3 years and he was always useless on the romantic front but he always tried. but always failed spectacularly showing without fail he didnt put very much thought into the gesture..that he was only doing it because he saw it somewhere that he should do it to keep me happy!! take for example easter weekend i eat chocolate until it comes out my ears but never in my life would he have see me eating dark chocolate and he went and bought me a dark chocolate egg..

i know it is a very petty little thing and it is but an accumulation of things like that and it builds up in your head and i find myself changing and treating him like **** because i feel as though he's not trying and also he is a little bit immature and i thought he would eventually grow out of it and he hasnt!! like all of his friends have grown he hell up and i often thought they were worse than him as in very very immature but now they seem to have moved on and grown the hell up and he's still stuck in the same place not having moved on at all still playin with his little toys still spending money he doesn't have on things that it was acceptable to spend it on at 18 or 19 yrs of age but not now!!

so now im taking my frustration out on him and treating him terribly but i dont want to break up with him because i love him but also i think because im afraid of single life and i know thats wrong and i cant get my head around it but i cant bring myself to break up with him and i find myself questioning what the **** i am at because i know its wrong and i am being unbelievably selfish and a right mean person and only considering my own feelings. like on all levels

i know the relationshiip is over even on a physical level its been long over and iv posted here wondering why that hasn't bothered him but he seems to just accept anything from me and will put up with everything that i wouldnt consider to be acceptable behaviour from him and i wouldnt take it!

so i dunno why i am posting i only know i am being a dick and i cant stop myslef well i know i can but i really cant bring myself to!!

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

he is a little bit immature

As are you it would appear.

When you learn how to use correct grammar I will attempt to read your whole post.

Gary ITR

I only got a third of the way down dear. Edit it and paragraph it then I'm sure the folks here would be nice enough to help in any way they can

dudara

Folks, leave the modding to the mods.

dudara

Wagon

Bloody hell, did you tell him you didn't like dark chocolate? Was he expected to read your mind and notice every little thing? and if this is only one problem of many then i suggest you either start talking to him and try and sort things out, or break up. ****ing hell, you sound exhausting! I'm being honest here, I would have dumped you years ago if you were like this. It would drive me up the wall. All the problems here lie with you and you need to sort them out yourself. One thing i don't understand is why you're boyfriend is putting up with this.

Wibbs

Wagon wrote: »

One thing i don't understand is why you're boyfriend is putting up with this.

OK she's getting slated and I can well understand why, but....IMHO? He sounds (to the OP at least) that he's immature, not involved romantically or sexually and has no ambition. Hardly a bunch of attractive features in a man. Among the worst in fact.

This is why she's frustrated and this is why she's being bitchy, selfish etc. It's not about dark or light chocoate or any of that. If she was with what she felt was a stronger more involved man, he could buy her the cheapest crappiest chocolate and it wouldn't stress her.

She's doing the "bitchy" thing in the hope that she pushes his buttons and he actually reacts positively to it. The more he doesn't react, the more passive, weak and less attractive he becomes for her. She knows a strong man would call her on it and he keeps failing this test. This is why she still may have affection for him, but romantically it's dead for her. From her description I can understand why too.

The biggest reason she hasn't left him, is because she doesn't see anyone new to jump to and fears being single even more than the problems she faces staying with him. That's generally more common in women than men in my experience.

Advice? You've two choices; stay with him and hope he changes or hope someone better comes along to replace him, or leave him now and be on your own for a while to figure out what you want in a partner. The world is half filled with men so finding one is not as big a deal as many make out. I would advise you do the latter, but I suspect you'll do the former.

My 2 cents anyway.

lainypops

110% in agreement with Wibbs!!! Great post.

Snowie

Unregistered wrote: »

i don't know what to make of myself!!! if i was treated the way i treat my boyfriend i would've walked away a long time ago!!! yet i feel im justified but i still question myself because im being such a bitch!!

like ok been with him for 3 years and he was always useless on the romantic front but he always tried. but always failed spectacularly showing without fail he didnt put very much thought into the gesture..that he was only doing it because he saw it somewhere that he should do it to keep me happy!! take for example easter weekend i eat chocolate until it comes out my ears but never in my life would he have see me eating dark chocolate and he went and bought me a dark chocolate egg..

i know it is a very petty little thing and it is but an accumulation of things like that and it builds up in your head and i find myself changing and treating him like **** because i feel as though he's not trying and also he is a little bit immature and i thought he would eventually grow out of it and he hasnt!! like all of his friends have grown he hell up and i often thought they were worse than him as in very very immature but now they seem to have moved on and grown the hell up and he's still stuck in the same place not having moved on at all still playin with his little toys still spending money he doesn't have on things that it was acceptable to spend it on at 18 or 19 yrs of age but not now!!

so now im taking my frustration out on him and treating him terribly but i dont want to break up with him because i love him but also i think because im afraid of single life and i know thats wrong and i cant get my head around it but i cant bring myself to break up with him and i find myself questioning what the **** i am at because i know its wrong and i am being unbelievably selfish and a right mean person and only considering my own feelings. like on all levels

i know the relationshiip is over even on a physical level its been long over and iv posted here wondering why that hasn't bothered him but he seems to just accept anything from me and will put up with everything that i wouldnt consider to be acceptable behaviour from him and i wouldnt take it!

so i dunno why i am posting i only know i am being a dick and i cant stop myslef well i know i can but i really cant bring myself to!!

Hey Op....

sounds messy....

You Know the relationship is over, on every level yet you say you love him ?
But your also afraid of being single one or the other ? deep down do you want to be with him ?

your being a dick because your frustrated in a a shell of a relationship or subconously you hope He'l grow the balls needed to dump you, because you cant quite face doing it your self ?

Wagon

Wibbs wrote: »

OK she's getting slated and I can well understand why, but....IMHO? He sounds (to the OP at least) that he's immature, not involved romantically or sexually and has no ambition. Hardly a bunch of attractive features in a man. Among the worst in fact.

I was getting at that but couldn't put it as well as you

OP, you admit yourself you are afraid of being single. Being single is grand, there just seems to be some poxy stigma about it. how old are you?

Wibbs

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

your being a dick because your frustrated in a a shell of a relationship or subconously you hope He'l grow the balls needed to dump you, because you cant quite face doing it your self ?

At this stage maybe, but I think she was being a "dick" hoping he'd grow some balls full stop. Now it's gone beyond that as he's likely ok with the status quo. The very fact he hasn't told her to sod off makes him look even less attractive in her eyes. The joke is I suspect that if tomorrow he turned up and told her calmly that this wasn't working and he's moving on to better things, she would find him more attractive as a man.

Wibbs

Wagon wrote: »

OP, you admit yourself you are afraid of being single. Being single is grand, there just seems to be some poxy stigma about it. how old are you?

OK I may get flamed for this and it's only my humble but.... women are much more prone to judge themselves by their relationship status than men. They talk more about relationships more than men, they discuss the ins and outs of them more than men, they talk more about their partners and their good and bad points than men. In that way it's a different world to a man's take. Being a single woman is seen less attractive a notion to the the woman herself and the women around her. It's more of a "failure" to lose a relationship, especially if there's not a replacement lined up. Yes guys can have this, but not nearly to the same extent as their internal and external value is less tied up in having a partner.

Snowie

Wibbs wrote: »

At this stage maybe, but I think she was being a "dick" hoping he'd grow some balls full stop. Now it's gone beyond that as he's likely ok with the status quo. The very fact he hasn't told her to sod off makes him look even less attractive in her eyes. The joke is I suspect that if tomorrow he turned up and told her calmly that this wasn't working and he's moving on to better things, she would find him more attractive as a man.

Wibbs you make my head hurt some times man ...

Agreed +100.000.000.000.000.000

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

i don't know what to make of myself!!! if i was treated the way i treat my boyfriend i would've walked away a long time ago!!! yet i feel im justified but i still question myself because im being such a bitch!!

like ok been with him for 3 years and he was always useless on the romantic front but he always tried. but always failed spectacularly showing without fail he didnt put very much thought into the gesture..that he was only doing it because he saw it somewhere that he should do it to keep me happy!! take for example easter weekend i eat chocolate until it comes out my ears but never in my life would he have see me eating dark chocolate and he went and bought me a dark chocolate egg..

So what grand romantic gestures are you doing for him then? and did you ever say you don't like dark choc?
Seriously

i know it is a very petty little thing and it is but an accumulation of things like that and it builds up in your head and i find myself changing and treating him like **** because i feel as though he's not trying and also he is a little bit immature and i thought he would eventually grow out of it and he hasnt!!

Then either 1/ talk to him about it ffs or 2/ leave him and stop f*ing around and turning it into a drama. we're with partners because we love them, not because we sit around on our backsides hoping they might eventually magically turn into what we want them to be.
Between this "i was hoping one day he'd change" and "how doesn't he know I don't like x when I never told him", you really need to cop on and realise people aren't psychic, not even your bf.

*Honey*

Totally agree with Wibbs on this one.

Your "love" for him seems to me more of a love of being in a relationship, any relationship than being alone. Yes it's scary being alone - especially when you've been in a relationship. Sometimes any relationship is better than none. But sometimes being truthful and honest with yourself is more important - I know I personally was in a crap relationship in the past and got the stage where I knew I'd be happier on my own than utterly miserable in a relationship with that person.

All I can advise is that you think hard about this situation - what are you gaining from it? What good is it doing you? I don't know how to advise you to not be scared of being alone - sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and face the very thing you're scared of to help yourself. (Sorry if that sounds horribly American, but it's worked for me in the past and it could possibly work for you).

Best of luck.

CDfm

God people whats with the analytical.

Wibbs you know jack about chocolate.

This guy is wonderful and is impervious to all kinds of female manipulation. Withdraw sex and he will **** for Ireland.

Mind you - I am with him on the chocolate ;dark chocolate has a much higher cocoa content and natuarally is better and works on all kinds of happy brain chemicals- it is also a bit more expensive as and true chocolate lover will tell you-its what you need for a chocolate high. The stuff most people call chocolate are kiddy sweeties and this may have been a really well thought out romantic gesture.Even a cry for help.

OP you have someone who is naturally happy and uncomplicated and love him and you want a metrosexual. So what exactly do you want from him.

On manipulation - you cant change a person with moody gestures or tantrums or withdrawing sex like you have done. So if you love him you may want to fix this.

You can discuss stuff like better habits and savings habits. You dont say if he goes nightclubbing and stuff like that and maybe he does and maybe not. Why not try talking to him about what to do this summer like going on holidays etc together that will take some planning and putting money away together and even going for weekends.

Some people dont naturally know these things and have to learn them but not in a getting told like a naughty little boy.

LegacyUser

its not about the chocolate it was about the lack of thought put into it like i didn't say anything bad to him for getting it i kissed him and said thank you for it like i'm not a total dickhead. and we have discussed this before and he has always said he would try and he has tried just never exactly managed it.

anyway i bit the bullet i'm finally single and scared but what the hell i wonder what i did before i ever had a boyfriend time to go find that old me!

i realise the way i was acting was very bad and i said that and i couldn't understand why he was taking it from me either and i said that too!! anyway thanks for the perspective! its funny i never thought id feel relieved im sure he does too though!

*Honey*

I would hazard to suggest that the relief is due to knowing that you've done right.

Best of luck with everything.

CDfm

Be gracious- he hasnt invested a lot of time in the relationship.

He may even have saw it coming.

Salome

Wibbs, I see your point but I really don't understand why some women fear being single so much. They'd put up with a shyte relationship rather than be single???? Really????

OP, you did the right thing. It wasn't going to get better. Now you're free to meet someone else that's more your cup of tea. Young-feller-me lad was just coasting along IMO.

MrMojoRising

whats wrong with dark chocolate? Its good for you too

Wibbs

Stay on topic please

CDfm

Salome wrote: »

I really don't understand why some women fear being single so much. They'd put up with a shyte relationship rather than be single???? Really????

It really didn't seem great for the BF either really. He is exactly what it says on the tin. The OP wanted him to change and he didn't see the need to.

OP, you did the right thing. It wasn't going to get better. Now you're free to meet someone else that's more your cup of tea. Young-feller-me lad was just coasting along IMO.

MMM .....really. Well he wasn't really complaining about the lack of sex and got the wrong Easter Egg. Maybe he had already moved on and not told her. What came first - the chicken or the egg? (bad pun I know but topical and seasonal).

Salome

Salome wrote: »

Wibbs, I see your point but I really don't understand why some women fear being single so much. They'd put up with a shyte relationship rather than be single???? Really????

yeah, you'd really be surprised tbh but it happens

Liam Byrne

Wibbs wrote: »

She's doing the "bitchy" thing in the hope that she pushes his buttons and he actually reacts positively to it. The more he doesn't react, the more passive, weak and less attractive he becomes for her. She knows a strong man would call her on it and he keeps failing this test.

I normally agree with you 100%, Wibbs, and there's some truth in what you say, but in the guys defence it depends on which came first - the passiveness or the abuse ?

I was in something before where someone tried what seemed to have been these "tests" and games, and most of the time it was over something ridiculous so I just couldn't be arsed - give me something big to argue over and I will, but having an argument just for the sake of it is as unattractive as taking crap for no reason.

As I said though, there's some truth in what you say and I'm only querying the "who's at fault" aspect; I remember saying "Feck this, I'm off - might talk to you tomorrow" and immediately getting an "I'll call you later tonight", so that reaction that you mentioned does work - with a certain type of girl.

**** happens, and you deal with it; life's not perfect and neither are people.

But dealing with a drama queen who doles out tests ? Life's too short to deal with crap like that.

Most of us left the need to stand up for ourselves in the schoolyard; in a decent, equal, respectful relationship with a decent person you should - relatively - rarely need to.

Wibbs

Salome wrote:

Wibbs, I see your point but I really don't understand why some women fear being single so much. They'd put up with a shyte relationship rather than be single???? Really????

as bluewolf says it happens. In my experience it happens quite a lot and not just with obviously unhealthy relationships, even ones that are low in compatibility, or staying put just because they've been together for a long time. Both men and women do it, but I would say women do it much more than men. In my experience anyway.

Liam Byrne wrote: »

I normally agree with you 100%, Wibbs, and there's some truth in what you say, but in the guys defence it depends on which came first - the passiveness or the abuse ?

Oh no I agree. I was just looking at it from her angle for some sort of balance.

I was in something before where someone tried what seemed to have been these "tests" and games, and most of the time it was over something ridiculous so I just couldn't be arsed - give me something big to argue over and I will, but having an argument just for the sake of it is as unattractive as taking crap for no reason.

Ditto. Been there too. TBH if I get that in a relationship, I look to myself first, just to see if it's something I'm doing through laziness etc and something that if I address it would make me a better me. Then I look and see if the other person is under stress or whatever and this is why I'm getting static from them. If neither is the case and it becomes anyway consistent, I walk. Have done. More than once. I can't speak for men as I don't go out with them, but I would say a good third of women I've gone out with pulled this to a degree that screwed the relationship.

I've seen women do this much more with overly passive men, hoping for them to stand up for themselves. Understandable to a degree, as someone who won't stand up for themselves, is not so likely to stand up for her, if the need arises. OK that's grand if its to a healthy level and is helping stop mundanity creeping into the relationship. Not so good if it gets to a silly buggers level.

Most of us left the need to stand up for ourselves in the schoolyard; in a decent, equal, respectful relationship with a decent person you should - relatively - rarely need to.

+ 100000 its finding that kinda relationship thats the trick:)

AngryBadger

Unregistered wrote: »

so i dunno why i am posting i only know i am being a dick and i cant stop myslef well i know i can but i really cant bring myself to!!

Seems to me you don't know your own mind, and thyerefore have no diea what you want. Yet you're so afraid of being single you stay in a relationship with this guy who you think is immature.

You need to break up with him and take some time to figure out who you are and what you want. From the way you describe yourself and this relationship, right now you're on the fast-track to turning around in 20 years time, amrried to this guy you can't stand, and wondering what the hell happened to your life.

You need space to decide who you are, and exactly what it is you want. Then, and only then will you be able to either, accept your current partner as he is(if he'll have you back), or at the very least you'll be able to function on your own without this crippling need to be in a relationship until such time as you do find someone who meets your requirements.

Wibbs

Her last post said that has has broken up with him.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

its not about the chocolate it was about the lack of thought put into it like i didn't say anything bad to him for getting it i kissed him and said thank you for it like i'm not a total dickhead. and we have discussed this before and he has always said he would try and he has tried just never exactly managed it.

I hope this doesnt come across as biased or harsh.

You do come across as a bit of a princess and some of the posters have commented on it. You never mentioned getting him anything for Easter -well you dont give presents expecting something in return- but you didnt mention giving him stuff ever.

i realise the way i was acting was very bad and i said that and i couldn't understand why he was taking it from me either and i said that too

But maybe that is the real you and many guys would find your behaviour unacceptable and would have finished with you.

LegacyUser

i'm well aware i come across as a princess im not though... i did get him an easter egg... i did realise i was wrong... i was nice to him... i wasn't setting tests for him or atleast intentionally!! the only meanness that ever came from me was from my own thoughts in my own head that i nveer said to him and because i thought them i knew i was being a dickhead by staying with him! i wasn't actually mean to him as i said earlier i said thanks for the egg and he wasn't any the wiser!

maybe like somebody posted above he was moved on already feck it anyay its all over now so not worrying about it anymore.. done enough of that for the last while!!