Relocating near an ex

LegacyUser

I'm considering a move, and unfortunately where I want to move to is the town (very small one!) where my ex lives. We had a horrible, messy, nasty breakup which culminated in us both saying we never wanted to hear, see or speak to the other again.

Obviously there is a chance that he will hear through friends I've moved there or see me around and I'm worried he'll think/tell others that I'm 'stalking' him or something!

Am I being paranoid? It's a little out of the way town he lives in and he may think he's the reason I've shown up there (he's not!).

nomorebadtown

there are many small towns in ireland...do you really have to move to that one?

dudara

Surely you're both adults and don't have to be in opposite corners of the playground anymore?

You didn't tell us how long ago the breakup was, or how old you both are. I'd suggest making contact, letting him know in advance, so he doesn't feel shocked or threatened. Then act like adults and get on with your life.

Geog

I would be inclined to think that if it's a small town, you would need your head examined to move there. The last thing anybody needs in life is stress and that's exactly what you'll have, wondering if your former partner is going to come around the next corner.
We live near my in-laws. All was fine until the relationship with them broke down completely (mother-in-law is a nightmare - demon from hell). Now I wish we were living elsewhere. I certainly would move if I could but it's not so simple. If I knew then what I know now, I would never have moved so close to them.

Geog

Consider no more. Just don't do it and move somewhere you can relax. Even 10 miles away.

LegacyUser

We're in our mid-20s and we split for good about 3 months ago, though it had been coming for a long time before that.

I'm fine with living near him, it's a great little town, handy for work etc. and I don't worry about seeing him or bumping into him, I'm just worried he'd freak out about it I suppose and possibly make things difficult for me on that basis.

The breakup was so un-amicable (not a word I know but it illustrates the point!) that I'm sure if I were to email him/call him to mention it I'd be met with abuse.

Zaph

Is there a mutual friend you could pass on the news to him through?

While I can see the point of letting him know in advance, I'm afraid it may come across more stalkerish - rubbing it in his face or something. I'd be inclined to just do the moving and ignore him. If he starts talking rubbish then calmly correct anyone you hear spouting it and move on

LegacyUser

I moved to another college for my MA. Had broken up with my ex about 3 weeks before moving and I was heading to where he had been living for the previous couple of years. The only person I knew down there was him and we were not on speaking terms.

Applied for college accomodation, got put living with a guy I'd actually met before because he was my ex-bf's friend.

All in all, it could and should have gone badly.

I held my head up high and acted like the mature one. I became a far better friend to the guy I was sharing with than my Ex was and had a fantastic time living down there.

It does feel like you are being a stalker but as long as the move is right for you it will work out! Even if it doens't seem like it at first!

CDfm

You really are not giving enough detail on how bad the break up was.

If it was that bad did it involve going to court or nastiness that spilled over to peoples personal and professional lives. You are a little coy about what happened.

So when reestablishing he picked that little town that was not the venue of your coupledom or your feud and of any emotional upset. I assume that you are asking because you know that moving there will cause him to be upset should you do so. Thats the litmus test -that if your action causes unnesscessary hurt to another person then it is unethical and wrong.

The very fact you posted leads me to think that you think/know it will ;so it would be wrong for you to move there.

I wonder if you already made the decision and are looking for validation.

It would be nice to see you fill in the blanks as this might tell us a bit more but it may not change my opinion.

Welcome to Stalkerville.Convenient but you dont need it.

LegacyUser

Wow that's a little bit harsh CDfm.

I was coy about the breakup because I didn't think it was especially relevant. It wasn't bad as in involving courts or violence or threats or anything, but bad as in we could not be friends after it. He had been cheating on and off for a while (which is what I was referring to when I said the breakup had been coming for a while before it actually happened) and the final straw was when I actually found out and he had this plan in his head that he would still have sex with this other girl and we would remain a couple, because she was a demon in the sack and I was the girl he 'loved'. I can't really be friends with someone like that!

I don't think he'll be hurt or upset or even care that much to be honest, I just don't want to be tarred with the 'stalker' brush for moving where he happens to live. During our break up he became very catty (normal during a bad breakup I guess) and he's probably capable of stirring things for me if he's so inclined. I asked the question originally to gauge if it's reasonable to end up living in the same town without it turning into a disaster.

starchild

it could work but if the break up is still raw or fresh in either of your minds then it certainly will become awkward

small towns are very cliquey and if its your ex's town you may find you dont get a great reception which could have a negative effect on your time there


i would not bother to be honest

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Wow that's a little bit harsh CDfm.

I asked the question originally to gauge if it's reasonable to end up living in the same town without it turning into a disaster.

Life is harsh.

My answer still is the same though for different reasons. You have your reservations and the person who could be hurt is you - dont go there.

Who knows he might get the idea -she has moved here to be near me maybe she sees it my way after all.Odd logic I know but familiar logic. Welcome to Wiilingvictimsville.

Anyone who tells otherwise and says it will free you is on another planet.If there are two similar convenient towns near each other pick the other one.