I hurt him

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and i are together nine months now,and love him so much we have even talked about marriage,And i am on top of world and feel so lucky to have found such a wonderful man.
I have a problem though,there is a girl who recently told him she is in love with him,He does go out places with her,and told her he is in love with me and she can only be a friend.But the problem is she is there at every turn.She tries to knock every day and every night she is ringing him all the time.And he comes late to me when he is around her.
I am getting so scared not out of distrust towards him but fear,i asked him is he getting feelings for her and now he is so upset with me cause he feels i dont trust him.:(
He said last night he needed time to think about things,
Help what do i do
Do i leave him think? but i am scared she is around and poisioning his mind more like she has tried in past.she was around him yesterday when he came back he was so angry,so i know she was putting in her bit. And now with him upset with me,i am so afraid if i dont text or ring he will think i dont care i hurt him
Or do i text him and show him how much i am hurting because i hurt him.I am afraid then i am not giving him space and will make him angrier
Please help guys if was you what would you like your girlfriend to do?

Thanks cc

dudara

Your thread title confuses me. You did not hurt him. You asked him a straightforward question. Now you are afraid to text him in case you make him angrier. It appears as if he is the dominant person in the relationship.

He needs to be able to have a conversation with you about this. If he is not capable of talking honestly about it, then I would question his readiness to be in a serious relationship.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

Your thread title confuses me. You did not hurt him. You asked him a straightforward question. Now you are afraid to text him in case you make him angrier. It appears as if he is the dominant person in the relationship.

He needs to be able to have a conversation with you about this. If he is not capable of talking honestly about it, then I would question his readiness to be in a serious relationship.

Hi dudara,
We did talk about it and he explained to me that he was upset and angry cause i came across i dont trust him,and it hurt him to see that.
I am asking should i text him or should i give him space,because people say let him have his time to calm down.But then again what if i dont text him and he feels i dont care at all.

Zaph

Unregistered wrote: »

We did talk about it and he explained to me that he was upset and angry cause i came across i dont trust him,and it hurt him to see that.

And is he unable to see that his relationship with this other woman is hurting both you and your relationship with him? You have every right to be concerned when another woman tells your partner that she loves him. You need to sit down and talk to each other properly about your concerns without either of you accusing the other of anything. And this needs to be done face to face, not by text, your relationship deserves better than that.

Point one

9 months is not a long time though.
I know there are people who get married after 6 months but really 6 or 9 months is not a long time.
I don't agree that the OP has the right to be angry at the other woman.
The OP doesn't OWN their boyfriend in that short space of time and shouldn't be acting as if they do.
It's a major turn off.

Point two
Your BF may well love you and you may well love him...but and it's a big BUT,there are various stages of love.
You are in the early stage still even if for you it feels like you are at the be all and end all.
You are not.
Hormones have a lot to answer for here in making people say and do things that logically they shouldn't do.

Logically you should have been trying to be the best girl friend you can be for your boyfriend [and vice versa but we are talking to you for the moment].
Coming over all bunny boiler whilst only 9 months into a relationship in your reaction to the other woman is not the way to go.
It scares the hell out of us blokes.


Point three: The advice

Take a step back.Say no more about this to him.Be nice.
If you think theres a chance he may be into the other woman,then you have already scored an own goal by opening his eyes to an alternative.
If you were at a longer stage into your relationship,this would be less of a problem.
Try to be more for him than she is but do not make an issue out of her anymore.
It's touch and go as to whether you have already done too much damage.
You will know this.
If you are lucky you can pull back from this and you will win.
Best of luck!

LegacyUser

I don't think the op is a bunny boiler at all! No way would I be happy with that situation...he's hanging around with a girl who's told him she loves him?! It's perfectly understandable to be upset. It doesn't mean you don't trust him. I'm in a relationship 20yrs and neither of us would be happy with another party hanging about telling one of us they love us. In fact, I don't know of one person who wouldn't feel at least a little threatened.
Op, have you asked him how he would feel if the situations were reversed?

LegacyUser

Zaph wrote: »

And is he unable to see that his relationship with this other woman is hurting both you and your relationship with him? You have every right to be concerned when another woman tells your partner that she loves him. You need to sit down and talk to each other properly about your concerns without either of you accusing the other of anything. And this needs to be done face to face, not by text, your relationship deserves better than that.

Thanks so much for your reply
I have spoke to him and sorted out the things of how we feel and we have talked it through.He realises how upset i get about the whole thing.
You are right i approached the situation completely over the top and that's why he was so hurt by it i was like i was almost accusing him of been with her.I didn't mean it like that at all just really need to express myself without over the top ways from now on.
Thanks again xx

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Point one

9 months is not a long time though.
I know there are people who get married after 6 months but really 6 or 9 months is not a long time.
I don't agree that the OP has the right to be angry at the other woman.
The OP doesn't OWN their boyfriend in that short space of time and shouldn't be acting as if they do.
It's a major turn off.

Point two
Your BF may well love you and you may well love him...but and it's a big BUT,there are various stages of love.
You are in the early stage still even if for you it feels like you are at the be all and end all.
You are not.
Hormones have a lot to answer for here in making people say and do things that logically they shouldn't do.

Logically you should have been trying to be the best girl friend you can be for your boyfriend [and vice versa but we are talking to you for the moment].
Coming over all bunny boiler whilst only 9 months into a relationship in your reaction to the other woman is not the way to go.
It scares the hell out of us blokes.


Point three: The advice

Take a step back.Say no more about this to him.Be nice.
If you think theres a chance he may be into the other woman,then you have already scored an own goal by opening his eyes to an alternative.
If you were at a longer stage into your relationship,this would be less of a problem.
Try to be more for him than she is but do not make an issue out of her anymore.
It's touch and go as to whether you have already done too much damage.
You will know this.
If you are lucky you can pull back from this and you will win.
Best of luck!

Thanks so much i really see what you mean,my overly emotional fear and over reacting can very well make her look like the better woman and that is what she is counting on.

We have come back from it he loves me very much and I love him.:)
I will be what you say more to him then her and relax no more saying a word about her at all.
Thanks again so much it really helped

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't think the op is a bunny boiler at all! No way would I be happy with that situation...he's hanging around with a girl who's told him she loves him?! It's perfectly understandable to be upset. It doesn't mean you don't trust him. I'm in a relationship 20yrs and neither of us would be happy with another party hanging about telling one of us they love us. In fact, I don't know of one person who wouldn't feel at least a little threatened.
Op, have you asked him how he would feel if the situations were reversed?

Hi and thanks alot xx
I am far from bunny boiler that is very true,I am very laid back but sometimes you cant help yourself and get upset.
I was however wrong to say it to him in a way like i seemed like i was accusing him.
Yes he would hate it he has said

Thanks though for your kind support :)xx

carlybabe1

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi and thanks alot xx
I am far from bunny boiler that is very true,I am very laid back but sometimes you cant help yourself and get upset.
I was however wrong to say it to him in a way like i seemed like i was accusing him.
Yes he would hate it he has said

Thanks though for your kind support :)xx

It didnt come across as bunny boilerish to me at all, in fact what it sounds like is that he can emotionally blackmail you into agreeing to his terms and conditions in this relationship as he knows you are worried about loosing him. One major question is this : has he agreed to stop spending time with this woman who told him she was in love with him?
If he has not agreed to this then you need to ask yourself if you're ok with being undermined in this relationship while he is having his ego boosted both by you and by her. If I were you, I wouldnt even ask him any of this, Id walk, and leave him to it

carlybabe1

Deleted User wrote: »

Point one

9 months is not a long time though.
I know there are people who get married after 6 months but really 6 or 9 months is not a long time.
I don't agree that the OP has the right to be angry at the other woman.
The OP doesn't OWN their boyfriend in that short space of time and shouldn't be acting as if they do.
It's a major turn off.

Point two
Your BF may well love you and you may well love him...but and it's a big BUT,there are various stages of love.
You are in the early stage still even if for you it feels like you are at the be all and end all.
You are not.
Hormones have a lot to answer for here in making people say and do things that logically they shouldn't do.

Logically you should have been trying to be the best girl friend you can be for your boyfriend [and vice versa but we are talking to you for the moment].
Coming over all bunny boiler whilst only 9 months into a relationship in your reaction to the other woman is not the way to go.
It scares the hell out of us blokes.


Point three: The advice

Take a step back.Say no more about this to him.Be nice.
If you think theres a chance he may be into the other woman,then you have already scored an own goal by opening his eyes to an alternative.
If you were at a longer stage into your relationship,this would be less of a problem.
Try to be more for him than she is but do not make an issue out of her anymore.
It's touch and go as to whether you have already done too much damage.
You will know this.
If you are lucky you can pull back from this and you will win.
Best of luck!

+++++1 This is great advice OP, if you live in the fifties and aspire to be the doormat in any relationship. REAL RELATIONSHIPS with REAL MEN means that you can be yourself, have your bad days, have your fights but ultimately still have a good relationship. If a bloke is going to use any of the above "excuses" to cheat then realistically, he had already been thinking about it and is just using these to justify his actions and ease his conscience

That_Guy

How exactly did you hurt him?

My boyfriend and i are together nine months now,and love him so much we have even talked about marriage

Nine months is way too short a time to be even contemplating marriage. Fair enough love birds do tend to get caught up in lovey dovey type things but nine months is too soon to think about that.

there is a girl who recently told him she is in love with him

You've every right to be upset about something like this. If you found out from someone else then it's a horrible and sickening way to find out something as big as this. If he told you himself then I feel that you've nothing to worry about. He could've been sly and not told you and maybe eventually cheated on you with her. The fact that he told you means that he must really care for you and wants to be completely honest with you about everything, especially something as big as this.

She tries to knock every day and every night she is ringing him all the time

Of course she'll try to do this. She said she loves him and as horrible as this may sound, she may want to try and influence your boyfriend to get with her and dump you. It's quite clear that you're obviously uncomfortable with this whole situation and I would be too. Unless this girl is an old friend of your boyfriends then you should have a chat with her and tell her to piss off and that you know what she's up to.

Or do i text him and show him how much i am hurting because i hurt him.I am afraid then i am not giving him space and will make him angrier

You should text him, but not because you hurt him. Tell him you're hurting about the whole situation. You did nothing wrong at all. If you say you love each other then your boyfriend should really stop messing about and realise how lucky he is. You sound like a really nice, genuine person and I really hope everything sorts itself out.

Best of luck.

carlybabe1

carlybabe1 wrote: »

+++++1 This is great advice OP, if you live in the fifties and aspire to be the doormat in any relationship. REAL RELATIONSHIPS with REAL MEN means that you can be yourself, have your bad days, have your fights but ultimately still have a good relationship. If a bloke is going to use any of the above "excuses" to cheat then realistically, he had already been thinking about it and is just using these to justify his actions and ease his conscience

Two points here.
(1) Ever heard of tactics? I simply advised the OP to be tactical-To bite her lip,take a step back and work at what she wants the outcome to be.
(2)The bloke hasn't cheated and furthermore you are in no position to say he was thinking about it.
It is advisable in a situation like this to ask the OP to look long and hard at what she wants and at such an early stage in the relationship,it means mutually bedding down the attraction between her and her boyfriend.
In this particular case it means making that other woman look the worse [the much worse] of the two options.
You don't do that in the early stages by fighting,arguing,crying,accusing and being an emotional burden.

Remember all relationships can be killed.All of them especially in their early stages,thats the time above all to invest a lot of care into them.
As you go on doing that the thing will just grow and grow hopefully.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think you have a right to be upset by this. How would he react if you were hanging out with a guy who was in love with you.

I'd tell him he shouldn't be hanging out wit her for *her* sake, how's she supposed to get over him if he's constantly around her?

Of course, he likes the idea of her being in love with him to some extent, everyone likes being flattered. Wouldn't mention that part to him though, just be aware of it.