House destroying my relationship

LegacyUser

We bought at the height of the boom and made the biggest mistake of our lives, our relationship is nearly over because of it. The house was massively overvalued, needs loads of work done to it (which we didnt see at the time, just really hadnt a clue) and I was the one with the deposit saved, so we started off badly from day one.

When I did try to get stuff done to the house, he was so angry all the time and resentful.Stuff has got done but there are bits that still need to be done and he has no interest. Worse, he fights me on even getting people in to help get the stuff done. Neither of our families live nearby so I know its a sense of helplessness with him as well as the fact he hasnt a clue about DIY.

When we rented, we were so happy. Even with the house, we have still have many many good times and I know we still really love each other. However, there has been a major problem after appearing with the house and I will admit, even I feel my spirit is broken at this stage with it. Partner has just lost it about it and says its the end (re the house, not us) but we cant sell it, with the recession. For me, I am still battling, yet again, to see if we can sort out the problem without a load of money. I think its the final straw for me, re the relationship. I love him but I cant take his anger about the house anymore. He wont work with me on it, its always against me.

We were talking about a baby two years ago, I went with my gut and felt if he is like this about a house, what would he be like about a baby.

I know houses can cause hassle. What worries me is that he wont ask for help (from either of our fathers), he wont get people in and he acts like our lives are doomed because of this house.

Am I right to feel Ive had enough? My mother said he is a good man, just not very experienced with big life issues, such as houses. I swear on my life I have not nagged him about stuff over the years to do with the house. I think it stems back to the fact I had money saved and he hadnt and he was embarrassed that I could pay the deposit.

This is a man who has been there for me when a sibling died, when I got depressed later on about that, who went and buried a stray cat I used to feed and which died, who is so good to his mother and his younger sisters. I just dont understand how a house could tear us apart so much. I am away this weekend from him, I couldnt stay in the house with him anymore.

*Honey*

Why does he refuse to get anyone in to solve some of the problems? Money? Can he do some of the work himself? Do either of you have mates who could help? (Painting parties, mates rates etc).

I'm confused by your post to be honest - he's freaking out about the house and yet seems to not want to do anything about it? Even if a couple of his friends and him worked on it, it wouldn't be such huge money. And if it's not a money issue, then why not get the professionals in? Sometimes you don't have a choice, for some things it'd be utter madness not to get a professional in.

I'm not really understanding his attitude to be honest - can you explain a bit more?

Kimia

Some men are like that - they get so stubborn and don't want to admit that they made a mistake. I don't think it's something you should break up over though.

F*ck the house it's not worth losing your relationship over. Move out and rent it out (if it's livable) and rent somewhere cheap and hopefully the rent from your own house will cover the mortgage. You're not going to be able to sell now but trying to rent it out (at a very reasonable rate) will hopefully help you cover at least some of your mortgage and you won't have the hassle of it. Don't package it as an ultra modern high end professionals only house, give it to people who are reliable but know what they are paying for.

Don't let yourselves break up over this - if it's only the house thats the problem, get rid. I know you may think there's underlying issues but he just sounds like he's just frustrated and feels helpless and men HATE that.

radioactiveman

Hi OP
Maybe you should consider some kind of counselling for couples? It sounds like your partner needs a bit of help to try and get over the fact that he got a bad deal on the house.
He'll have to start taking some positive steps towards accepting the situation and dealing with it otherwise it will keep driving you apart.

LegacyUser

Was it a case where you wanted to buy and he wasnt so keen?

Ive seen two male friends break up with their girlfriend over this, where the girl pressured them into buying against their better judgement, the house price crashed 100K. The bitterness over it was too much for their relationships.

carlybabe1

Hi OP, I really feel for you. I think that maybe your OH is just stuck in a rut, hes angry cuase its gone so pear shaped in the first place, hes angry cause he cant afford to get it fixed , and hes angry cause he cant fix it. It sounds to me like a pride thing, and not in a bad way, just that he thought he would be able to look after you and provide for you and he cant and hes upset about it and maybe worried that you will think less of him because of it. Is the large problem with the house urgent? maybe you could just make do with what you have at the moment without spending any more cash, and invest some time in your relationship instead. It sounds to me like its too good to throw away, and if it falls apart you'll be left with no home and no relationship. Sometimes there really ARE more important things than materials

southofnowhere

carlybabe1 wrote: »

Hi OP, I really feel for you. I think that maybe your OH is just stuck in a rut, hes angry cuase its gone so pear shaped in the first place, hes angry cause he cant afford to get it fixed , and hes angry cause he cant fix it. It sounds to me like a pride thing, and not in a bad way, just that he thought he would be able to look after you and provide for you and he cant and hes upset about it and maybe worried that you will think less of him because of it. Is the large problem with the house urgent? maybe you could just make do with what you have at the moment without spending any more cash, and invest some time in your relationship instead. It sounds to me like its too good to throw away, and if it falls apart you'll be left with no home and no relationship. Sometimes there really ARE more important things than materials

Agree with all of that.

I know this isn't the DIY section or anything, but what are the problems, broadly speaking, with the house?

Or even just this last big one? Very good people are doing work very cheaply now, and happy to get it.

LegacyUser

OP,
Over the years myself and the missus have gone through alot of similar types of issues.
Generally we've found things can be talked out (even over a week, as opposed to instatenous resolution)

The main thing is for both sides to take a step back and discuss it like adults. Even so, I can say that as a young male i used to just walk (Storm) away and pay no respect to my wifes arguments (luckily i grew out of that!!)
If talking calmly about problems doesn't solve any issues then a consultant may be needed...(but it really needs both people talking calmly)...

Best of luck