What to do?

LegacyUser

my boyfriend of 8 months cant spend more than 3 days with me...says he needs space that thats a big step for him having spent 2 and a half days in my company..he is 35. we have a lond distance relationship where i do all the running...when i do call to his house every second/third weekend our social life is the couch...i know he has issues but i like him...help me see sense

SheRa

Unregistered wrote: »

my boyfriend of 8 months cant spend more than 3 days with me...says he needs space that thats a big step for him having spent 2 and a half days in my company..he is 35. we have a lond distance relationship where i do all the running...when i do call to his house every second/third weekend our social life is the couch...i know he has issues but i like him...help me see sense

First thing, stop doing all the running. I know that you like him but do you want to wake up in five years time and realise that you are the one that makes most of the effort and without that you prob would have broke up years ago? Talk to him about it. Let him make the effort too (or see if he will) then decide where to go from there.

As for the couch thing, I understand with everyone being so broke these days that pricey dinners etc are not as common, but sitting on the couch alll the time shows a lack of imagination and its plain boring if it happens all the time.

How about going for a walk with him, feed the ducks, have a cheap picnic, go hiking, go to free museums etc. The list is endless and life is too short to spend it on the couch the whole time.

*Honey*

Hmmmmmm I could be very wrong but there are a few things about your post that brings up red flags for me.

I've been through two long distance relationships (one good and one bad) but in both cases I could not imagine spending any time with a person who said they can't spend more than X time with me. Why not would be my question? Seriously what sort of relationship is it when one person says it's hard for me to spend more than 2.5 days with you? I find that very odd.

Secondly, you should never do all the running. If you do everything in a relationship, what's there for him to do? Any relationship is a team effort - you are both supposed to give and take, not one take and the other give. I would advise against this very seriously.

Thirdly - can you really see a future for the two of you, which I would imagine you both living in the same place at the same time one day if he can't have you around that often? What do you see as your future?

And finally, when you've done everything, you make all the effort all he can do is sit on the couch? Ok sitting on the couch is fun but only when it's mixed in with going out for meals or the cinema or theatre or going for a walk or meeting friends or going for a drive or having a picnic or the million other things you can be doing. If you do imagine a life with him in the future, do you want to be spending all your time on the couch?

What is it about him that still attracts you to him? Do you see a future for the two of you? Do you see you ever both living in the same place at the same time?

SarahSassy

OP depending on peoples work and timetables one may end up spending more time on the road than the other but not just because he cant be bothered his lazy ass coming to see you.

It should not be this much hard work. The vibes you are getting from him are negative and you are so concerned about it that you felt the need to post here..

Bottom line is that he is not pulling his weight. I also think that he is trying to enforce bounderies here so you dont get too serious but at the end of the day this situation is not healthy and you are not happy so what are you gonna do about it?

LegacyUser

Thank you...needed to hear it from someone else...gone to stage where i was hiding fact i was seeing him from my friends...

*Honey* wrote: »

Hmmmmmm I could be very wrong but there are a few things about your post that brings up red flags for me.

I've been through two long distance relationships (one good and one bad) but in both cases I could not imagine spending any time with a person who said they can't spend more than X time with me. Why not would be my question? Seriously what sort of relationship is it when one person says it's hard for me to spend more than 2.5 days with you? I find that very odd.

Secondly, you should never do all the running. If you do everything in a relationship, what's there for him to do? Any relationship is a team effort - you are both supposed to give and take, not one take and the other give. I would advise against this very seriously.

Thirdly - can you really see a future for the two of you, which I would imagine you both living in the same place at the same time one day if he can't have you around that often? What do you see as your future?

And finally, when you've done everything, you make all the effort all he can do is sit on the couch? Ok sitting on the couch is fun but only when it's mixed in with going out for meals or the cinema or theatre or going for a walk or meeting friends or going for a drive or having a picnic or the million other things you can be doing. If you do imagine a life with him in the future, do you want to be spending all your time on the couch?

What is it about him that still attracts you to him? Do you see a future for the two of you? Do you see you ever both living in the same place at the same time?

PK2008

Very strange

He only see's you when he wants, he limits it to 2.5 days every couple of weeks and he doesnt bring you out....I could be wrong here but it sounds like you're his "bit on the side"

KittyeeTrix

Unregistered wrote: »

Thank you...needed to hear it from someone else...gone to stage where i was hiding fact i was seeing him from my friends...

I've always said that if you have to hide something it is generally because it is wrong.
I think you already know what to do and seriously you sound like a lovely person so you will definitely meet someone who will be falling over themselves to spend all their time with you....

Maybe leaving him might be the kick up the backside he needs to see the error of his ways.
You'd never know:)

KittyeeTrix

PK2008 wrote: »

Very strange

He only see's you when he wants, he limits it to 2.5 days every couple of weeks and he doesnt bring you out....I could be wrong here but it sounds like you're his "bit on the side"

Jeez, never thought of that,
You could be on to something there !!!!!!!:eek:

*Honey*

OP you're welcome... I hope you know what you need to do to be true to yourself.

I had a relationship in the past with a guy where I did all the running, made excuses left, right and centre for him. I began having major neck and back pain, spent a fortune on meds and doctors and all sorts of everything. I even didn't go into work a few times because of him and I NEVER do that. I was so caught up. In the end he just took too much from me and I had it - had it being a complete doormat and feeling like crap. No relationship should make you feel like that. I dumped him and suddenly (like within 10 minutes) all my pain disappeared and never returned. I was under so much stress from it all.

What I will say about it all is that it taught me what I DON'T want from a relationship, it made me realise that I'm worth so much more than that and made me begin to respect myself much more. I met my hubby shortly afterwards and was very upfront with him about what I wanted from life, from a relationship... and we're now planning for our 5th wedding anniversary and are happier than ever.

It isn't a good relationship - do whatever it is you need to do to make you respect yourself more and learn from it. If nothing else, consider this whole episode a learning experience - in hindsight, I'm sort of glad I went through all that **** as I learnt so so much from it all and it's actually helped in my marriage (odd isn't it?!).

Best of luck with everything - never never never let someone make you feel the way this guy has made you feel.

*Honey*

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

Maybe leaving him might be the kick up the backside he needs to see the error of his ways.

To be honest, who cares about him?! He's an asshole and probaby will remain one but that's fine, he's probably happy that way.

The OP sounds like she deserves a whole lot more and there's a big wide world out there with someone in it that will love you the way you deserved to be loved!

KittyeeTrix

*Honey* wrote: »

.

What I will say about it all is that it taught me what I DON'T want from a relationship, it made me realise that I'm worth so much more than that and made me begin to respect myself much more. I met my hubby shortly afterwards and was very upfront with him about what I wanted from life, from a relationship... and we're now planning for our 5th wedding anniversary and are happier than ever.
.

I must agree with Honey, I had a relationship for two years when I was only 16. This bloke treated me badly, very controlling and bordering on physical violence. The best thing I ever did was to break up with him.

When I met my now husband two years later I like Honey told him about my experiences with past bf and let him know I wouldn't be treated like that ever again by anybody!!!!

That was almost 18 years ago and 4 kids later......
Still can't believe all that time has gone!!!!

Point is that you don't have to be with someone like that, as my mum used to say to me, there is plenty more fish in the sea;)

I would say to you GO TEST THE WATER!!!!!!!!

Latchy

Why dont you make a few rules of your own OP and and tell him this is how it's going to be from now ? Judging from your discription of him ( asshole) he will huff ,puff and ' pfft 'a bit .But would you rather he called the shots and told you it's over ( not wishing it to be for your sake ) or will you let him see your running days are over ? .

KittyeeTrix

*Honey* wrote: »

To be honest, who cares about him?! He's an asshole and probaby will remain one but that's fine, he's probably happy that way.

The OP sounds like she deserves a whole lot more and there's a big wide world out there with someone in it that will love you the way you deserved to be loved!

I couldn't give a flying f**k about him but you know what they say, sometimes you don't appreciate something until it's gone
He could turn his attitude around, I seriously doubt it, but ya never know!!!!

LegacyUser

just to let you know and thanks for all commemts...drove an hour and 40 mins to talk to him...was told he never promised me anything...that he could never see himself with someone 24/7. That spending two and half days with me was a huge step for him...and he only did that cos he thought i was worth it and that he was trying...also mentioned his last relationship finished cos ex wanted to go to Paris...

called it a day with him...the stress of always wondering what next has me in bits...and anyway he basically said it had lasted this long becuse of the distance...feel like such a fool...he said it himself he is selfish and he could not see himself changing,,,so i think that said it all..................still hurts though

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

I've always said that if you have to hide something it is generally because it is wrong.
I think you already know what to do and seriously you sound like a lovely person so you will definitely meet someone who will be falling over themselves to spend all their time with you....

Maybe leaving him might be the kick up the backside he needs to see the error of his ways.
You'd never know:)

SheRa

Op that is very brave of you. You did the right thing. You cannot go through life feeling like he doesn't care. Actions speak infinitely louder than words and his actions were indeed selfish.

martdalto

The man is an idiot!

Thinks spending 2.5 days with someone is commitment, and ended his last relationship 'cos the girl wanted to go away, for what.. a weekend, possibly a week at most and he couldn't handle it!

You're well rid...


(But as you said, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt)

*Honey*

I know it hurts - I imagine you're also mourning what could have been in that relationship too.

However, I totally believe you did the right thing - give it a few weeks and you will be free of the worry and stress that that relationship has given you (really probably all that it's given you this whole time).

The guy has, to put it politely, major issues. That is something he needs to look into, or not probably - he doesn't sound the type that will ever be that self aware and that's his problem really.

To be honest he sounds like a complete selfish **** that doesn't deserve someone who's that willing to make a go of things.

OP, next relationship you have will be better - learn from this one, and take those lessons into the next one. You know now what you don't want - don't put up with type of thing again, you are worth more than that. Relationships are all about teamwork, communcation and, above all, respect. When it works right it's damn good and you will find that soon. You will look back on all this and realise what a life lesson it has been for you. Best of luck to you, you've been a very brave person - today a new day.