I'm with the band..

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,

Basic story is I've recently gotten back together with my ex of 6 years. We are both 29. We split up for several reasons (fighting all the time, money worries, he cheated) but decided that our deep love was worth another shot. I am really happy that we're together again but naturally a little wary due to our history. He cheated on me twice and I'm struggling to rebuild trust but love him and am willing to work hard at it. He has told me he will never hurt me again and that I need to trust him and have faith or we are doomed.

He is in a successful rock band and is playing at two of the major festivals this summer. I will be able to go to one of the festivals but not both. Also, he is going on tour at the end of the summer (London and Berlin) and I won't be able to get the time off. I am worried sick about this. I told him that while I am very happy for him and think he deserves every success in the world, I am terrified that I'll lose him on the road. There will be free drinks, hotels etc and I won't be there.

I think that if you trust somebody it shouldn't matter if they're sitting next to you or in another country, trust is trust. I guess I don't belive him when he says I have nothing to worry about. He said this is his dream and I should be supportive. It's so hard though. I said that if the shoe was on the other foot he'd feel the same. In fact I was offered a job a few years ago that involved travelling a lot and he was very threatened by it.

This is making me sick with worry and it's making me feel like a bitch - whiney, clingy, unsupportive, nagging gorlfriend. I don't wanna be that girl. We live in different counties too and I never ask him if he's being unfaithful. It's just this touring thing that has me sick.

So, my question is - what would you do? Should I get out now and feel hurt but nothing compared to the hurt I'll inevitably feel down the line?

Should I trust him and have faith in us?

Should I stay with him knowing that he most likely will cheat but 'what I don't know won't hurt me'?

Feel so blue over this...even having nightmares.

Please help boards:(

LegacyUser

I think the main problem here is not so much whether he'll cheat or not again, but what effect the fear and mistrust is having/will have on both you, and your relationship.

Firstly, I'm guessing the cheating happened whilst he was on the road....the situation hasn't changed (he's still in a band touring) so it's no wonder you're worried...and it's not going to change either, he'll never give up the band (and shouldnt), so essentially the fear will be there always....

so do you accept it? Can you really live with worrying all the time? that depends on you...for ur own mental sanity..you have to start thinking about yourself, and what you're going to be putting yourself through over this relationship. he also has a good point-if you cant get past it, ur relationship is doomed. even if you don't question your partner, and I know you're trying to be 'good' about it, it doesnt mean he's not picking up on it, and this can lead to resentment on his behalf.

i was in a similar situation...i had been with someone else while on a break, while we were trying to work things out and we tried to get back together, unfortunetly, a few months down the line, both of us decided it wasnt worth the recriminations/mistrust/fear. we loved each other, but sometimes, it's not enough to get past things like when trust is gone.

you also can't be the only one 'working' on ur issue, neither can you expect him to do all the work...you also have to see why he cheated in the first place, do you know? does he? has that part of ur relaitonship changed? It sounds like you gave up a job abroad for him, even though he had no reason to mistrust you...sounds like u both ahave issues of mistrust...he probably felt that way cos he knew he couldnt trust himself....tha'ts not fair on u...u can't give up ur life, dreams for him...no partner that's worth being wiht would ask that of u....

nobody wants to feel like u do now.....it's not healthy...and it'll only get worse the longer and deeper the relationship gets...i know u had a strong love...but not a strong relationship, and its already starting out wiht so many problems already, is it really gonna get better???

LegacyUser

Honestly...this sounds like a terrible relationship and I wouldnt be surprised if the guy had a few other girls on the go

Id suggest you take some time out for yourself and try to get over the cheating and insecurity cos it will only get worse.

You have to ask yourself what it is you actually get from the relationship- by the sound of it; not much

-unless the whole bad boy rocker thing is your deal, if so, then this comes with the territory

MagicMarker

Onthe road wrote: »

He cheated on me twice and I'm struggling to rebuild trust but love him and am willing to work hard at it.

That's your first mistake right there.

Seriously, he cheated once, he cheated twice, what makes you think he won't cheat again?

It's time to pull your head out of the sand.