To ask or not to ask

LegacyUser · 10-04-2009 11:51am #1

Right, at my wits end here. I don't believe in love at first sight, I do, however believe in attraction at first sight.

I've started a new course and getting on really well, I like what I'm studying and having paid upfront there is really no way out of it now.
I have totally fallen for one of the lecturers. I am not some kind of besotted teenager, I'm 28 and I'd say he's around my age, he might even be a year or two younger.
From the very first second I saw him I can't stop thinking about him.

I have to concentrate really hard to actually hear what he is saying, I can only focus on his voice and whenever our eyes meet I feel like he can se I'm totally perving over him. I feel like such a sap and it's interfering with my studies.

I would love to ask him out but I have so far not even mustered up the courage to speak up in class and if he says no I will have to see him again and again and again until the course is over....

My questions are, do I deal with these feelings in a way or should I ask him out? Would it totally ruin the dynamics? I don't even know if he has a girlfriend...
I can't talk to him much after class either since he doesn't really have a break.
Please help...

10-04-2009 12:18pm

Dont ask a lecturer out, it'll get him into trouble and you still won't be concentrating on your studies
get over your feelings as quickly as you can and forget about him

CDfm · 10-04-2009 1:22pm

You have a crush.

Cos its a lecturer and you have just started the course I wouldnt act on it, thats not what you are there for you are there to get a qualification.

While he may be your age and even may be available -its not the done thing to date one of your lecturers - exams, ethics and all that.

TheQueen · 10-04-2009 2:53pm

Nope dont do it, It could get very messy and if you didnt get the result you wanted you'll feel uncomfortable going to the course. If its meant to be it will happen, wait and see

Final Approach · 10-04-2009 3:30pm

My advice would be to wait until the end of the course, then, if you still feel the same way you could act on it without the embarrassment of having to see him again in class.

Not a good idea to go for it now, and you know that yourself.

LegacyUser · 29-05-2009 8:08pm

Hi there,

What happened in the end? Did you ask him out? Am in similar situation myself, but at least I won't be taught by him ever again. Have texted him about course once or twice, but have had no contact with him otherwise. He didn't mix with students after class. Of course the fact that he is a lecturer is part of the attraction.....

LegacyUser · 30-05-2009 2:47pm

I'm a lecturer and I can say that ethically he is not allowed to date you. You will be crossing a boundary that you should not. I know that some of my students have had crushes on me before and it's made me really uncomfortable. I became nervous about meeting them one on one in my office, and was always mindful of my behaviour around them afraid that they would think that showing interest in their work would be misinterpreted as interest in them.
It's a terrible situation!!
So do yourself and your lecturer a favour and DO NOT approach him about this.
We are NOT ALLOWED to date students - even if they will not be in our course again. If they are still registered as a student in our department, it still has to be a 100% professional relationship.

So while I understand the crush, please try to just keep it at that...even better, try to get over it. Concentrate on your studies.

Good luck.

LegacyUser · 03-06-2009 12:28pm

It is interesting hearing about the effects of students crushes from a lecturer's perspective. While I still think we are beginning to live in a nanny state, I will concede that he/she has a valid point. Though not being able to go out with a student who is in the same department/doing the course, that you no longer mark or teach, seems a tad excessive. Is that official policy?

prinz · 03-06-2009 2:01pm

Do NOT ask him out. To do so would be ridiculously unfair on him, putting him in an awkward situation, personally and professionally through no fault of his own.

LegacyUser · 03-06-2009 10:49pm

Unregistered wrote: »

It is interesting hearing about the effects of students crushes from a lecturer's perspective. While I still think we are beginning to live in a nanny state, I will concede that he/she has a valid point. Though not being able to go out with a student who is in the same department/doing the course, that you no longer mark or teach, seems a tad excessive. Is that official policy?

lecturer here again - yes it is official policy. it's there to protect students. there are huge power dynamics at play here - and we have to respect that policy because we recognise tht we are in a position of power over students. if you ask him out you will make him uncomfortable. when you finish your degree and if you feel the same then go for it.

ps- there are probably 10 more women in the class thinking the same as you. fancying the lecturer is a very common occurance.

LegacyUser · 04-06-2009 9:39am

That is a sensible policy, thanks for the explanation.

LegacyUser · 24-06-2009 12:25pm

Well OP, what happened in the end, bearing in kind all the caveats? Do the same rules apply if you are attending a 14 week professional exam grinds in accounting say @ Griffith or Independent?

LegacyUser · 24-06-2009 2:52pm

ooops, pardon the typos in my last post! Am using a wonky keyboard

VaioCruiser · 24-06-2009 5:56pm

JohnQ320 wrote: »

My advice would be to wait until the end of the course, then, if you still feel the same way you could act on it without the embarrassment of having to see him again in class.

Not a good idea to go for it now, and you know that yourself.

Agree 100%. It will cause him enormous problems, and make things even more difficult for you.

Can you possibly change lectures ?

if not... it's going to be a tough year. You need to show your maturity now, and divert your passion sideways . . . and develop a positive relationship with him by asking him Q's after lectures, smiling, showing a major interest in the subject etc. Remember there is no greater flattery than having another person, even a student, love the same thing that he does.

At the end of the course - if you still feel the same.... best of luck !

All the best

LegacyUser · 25-06-2009 8:47am

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Agree 100%. It will cause him enormous problems, and make things even more difficult for you.

Can you possibly change lectures ?

if not... it's going to be a tough year. You need to show your maturity now, and divert your passion sideways . . . and develop a positive relationship with him by asking him Q's after lectures, smiling, showing a major interest in the subject etc. Remember there is no greater flattery than having another person, even a student, love the same thing that he does.

At the end of the course - if you still feel the same.... best of luck !

All the best

I don't know about the original OP, VaioCruiser, but my course only lasts until September. But yeah, that is a clever strategy you have outlined there. Of course, there is always the possibility that the guy isn't interested, married [not wearing a ring!], gay, living with someone. But nothing ventured, nothing gained!....at the end of the course, naturally.

To ask or not to ask

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