Another Friend Story!!

LegacyUser

So was/am friends with this girl for a few years through house share. got on very well, others always suspected something between us and definitely was a spark that could have been acted on early but a long family illness and death occurred around that time that meant that a girl and a love life was the farthest from my mind for quite a while. Instead we became very close and great friends but there still remained another dimension to our friendship.

In the meantime, she started seeing some guy, halfheartedly, we continued to flirt loads and she kept hinting at how it wasnt serious with this guy etc. But it took me ages to cop on to myself after the family issues and before i knew it she was in a serious relationship. With that she became more withdrawn from me, naturally I suppose, but sometimes to the point of ignoring me completely and we living in the same house! A couple of months of this may pass then she starts acting all flirty again(maybe cause she missed how much fun we had?) and quickly again we would become very close we would have a few drunken moments where something could happen but partly because im chickensh!t and partly because I know shes in a relationship, nothing happens. A few weeks into this 'cycle' she would then appear to get spooked or something and go cold again. And a bad cycle of this sort kind of developed.
Btw the guy shes with is possibly the most boring fella in the world/or at least the greater Dublin area! (not being biased, honestly!) Others are of the opinion that she seems to have 'settled' for this guy for the sake of having a relationship rather than anything else?! But thats another sceal.


So this proceeds to do my nut in! So I move out and try to cut contact as much as possible, thinking fresh start get this girl out of my head and me out of her relationship.

Couple of months pass and I get drunken texts asking why so distant. I (drunkenly) am enraged by this and say it is her who is distant all the time. long texts ensue which end with me telling her to stay away for the best.

Few weeks later at a mutual friends going away party I stay away all night although she is obviously trying to join in my conversations and jokes I ignore her (harsh i know!), but eventually everyone at the party conspires to leave just me and her and were forced to talk! both quite pissed.

cant stay mad at her, tell her why i moved out, that i feel she has treated me like sh!t
and that I have feelings for her!! But I also tell her I know shes in a relationship so Im not expecting anything.

I dont force an answer from her. We stay up for another hour or so. just the 2 of us. Shes v flirty again, messing with my belt, resting her head on my shoulders, flashing her knickers... Then shes gone, presumably to bed with the plonker and I go home. Happy though that I told her how I felt!

Happen to be out at a friends birthday the following week and she ignores me all night.

then 2 weeks later she starts texting me again, having the craic etc, invites me out for cup of tea in evening to her gaff, been over once more since.

My question is - is there a point? I feel like I should just run a mile and make sure im not trapped in the same cycle of sh!t as before. But then I think maybe shes just getting her head round what I told her that night and that all this is a sign? If u are a girl and a guy friend told u he fancied how would u react? Thing is I know how vulnerable she is (more than she'd ever admit) and I know I hurt her a lot when I left last time but blah! Sorry for the long and complicated post but welcome to my long and complicated head!! Any advice is greatly appreciated!!

*Honey*

I'm sorry to say there is no point - she's a drama queen tease. She's probably not entirely happy in her relationship, she probably knows she's just making do with it. She likes the attention from you and probably likes the drama of the flirt/ignore cycle. It's very immature to be honest and she's probably wrecking your head - this is an unfair situation and I predict that it will become anything other than it is. She will continue in this behaviour because A) she keeps her relationship and there must be something about it that she stays in it for and she gets all the drama and attention from this emotional ping pong she's playing with you.

My advice is control your drunken emotions - cut her out entirely.. if she can't grow up and become an adult in her dealings with you, then you need to do it for her. Do not contact her, do not answer her texts, calls etc. If needs be, change your number.

I have seen this happen before and there is no happy ending. This hot/cold thing never works and only serves to hurt both parties - I believe that either both sides love the drama but mostly I really believe one side loves it and the other is getting slowly more and more hurt until they don't know what they think anymore.

Cut her out - she's a complete tease and won't become anything more.

Sorry to be blunt.

Gyalist

run_a_mile? wrote: »

So was/am friends with this girl for a few years through house share. got on very well, others always suspected something between us and definitely was a spark that could have been acted on early but a long family illness and death occurred around that time that meant that a girl and a love life was the farthest from my mind for quite a while. Instead we became very close and great friends but there still remained another dimension to our friendship.

Yes, there's always a reason to excuse procrastination. In your case it's family illness and death

In the meantime, she started seeing some guy, halfheartedly, we continued to flirt loads and she kept hinting at how it wasnt serious with this guy etc. But it took me ages to cop on to myself after the family issues and before i knew it she was in a serious relationship. With that she became more withdrawn from me, naturally I suppose, but sometimes to the point of ignoring me completely and we living in the same house! A couple of months of this may pass then she starts acting all flirty again(maybe cause she missed how much fun we had?) and quickly again we would become very close we would have a few drunken moments where something could happen but partly because im chickensh!t and partly because I know shes in a relationship, nothing happens. A few weeks into this 'cycle' she would then appear to get spooked or something and go cold again. And a bad cycle of this sort kind of developed.
Btw the guy shes with is possibly the most boring fella in the world/or at least the greater Dublin area! (not being biased, honestly!) Others are of the opinion that she seems to have 'settled' for this guy for the sake of having a relationship rather than anything else?! But thats another sceal.

He may well be the most boring person in the world but from reading the last paragraph you may well be the most clueless. Harsh, but it has to be said!
You are old enough to houseshare so I'm assuming that you must be at least early-20s. What's your relationship history? Have you ever proactively pursued a relationship or have they just been chance occurences? I am asking all these questions because I am very surprised that she has even been bothered to maintain any sort of communication with you and that any sort of attraction that she had for you in the beginning hasn't died.

She ignored you because, in her view, you rejected her. She made an effort to signal her availability to you but you were too "chickenshit" to make a move. That is a huge step for the vast majority of women to make. She'd seem to be blowing hot and cold because she is only reflecting your indecisiveness.

So this proceeds to do my nut in! So I move out and try to cut contact as much as possible, thinking fresh start get this girl out of my head and me out of her relationship.

Couple of months pass and I get drunken texts asking why so distant. I (drunkenly) am enraged by this and say it is her who is distant all the time. long texts ensue which end with me telling her to stay away for the best.

Few weeks later at a mutual friends going away party I stay away all night although she is obviously trying to join in my conversations and jokes I ignore her (harsh i know!), but eventually everyone at the party conspires to leave just me and her and were forced to talk! both quite pissed.

cant stay mad at her, tell her why i moved out, that i feel she has treated me like sh!t
and that I have feelings for her!! But I also tell her I know shes in a relationship so Im not expecting anything.

I dont force an answer from her. We stay up for another hour or so. just the 2 of us. Shes v flirty again, messing with my belt, resting her head on my shoulders, flashing her knickers... Then shes gone, presumably to bed with the plonker and I go home. Happy though that I told her how I felt!

Happen to be out at a friends birthday the following week and she ignores me all night.

then 2 weeks later she starts texting me again, having the craic etc, invites me out for cup of tea in evening to her gaff, been over once more since.

My question is - is there a point? I feel like I should just run a mile and make sure im not trapped in the same cycle of sh!t as before. But then I think maybe shes just getting her head round what I told her that night and that all this is a sign? If u are a girl and a guy friend told u he fancied how would u react? Thing is I know how vulnerable she is (more than she'd ever admit) and I know I hurt her a lot when I left last time but blah! Sorry for the long and complicated post but welcome to my long and complicated head!! Any advice is greatly appreciated!!

I really am surprised that this woman keeps given you so many chances. Most women would have already written you off as a "clittease" and put you firmly in the friendzone.

I think that you're asking the wrong questions. The one you need to ask is:
How do I stop being such a pussy?

bluecell99

Yes you should - run a mile.

No future here only pandering to her little mind games.

Dont debase yourself anymore.Cut her out completlely.

Dont know how relevant it is but you mention drink a lot.In your sober state I presume you can see how crazy this has been for you?

Move on and dont let drink get in the way of meeting and getting to know someone real.

jellie

if she returned your feelings she would have done something about it when you told her how you felt. but she didnt.

id guess that now shes using you as an ego boost.

try get some distance from her & move on. youll never get over her if you let her to continue to mess with your head.

LegacyUser

Run a Mile and do it quick.
I was in the same situation as you last year. Its not worth it.
Move on

CDfm

Its a big ego boost for her to have a spare hanging around.

Its not good for you - on your bike and move on.

Wagon

CDfm wrote: »

Its a big ego boost for her to have a spare hanging around.

Its not good for you - on your bike and move on.

Pretty much spot on. Delete the number and be as harsh as you like when you tell her to piss off.