Anorexia is back

LegacyUser

Long time poster going under the radar for this one.

From 19 to 24 I was anorexic. I weighted in at 7st @ 5ft 9”. I recovered in time – partly due to a boyfriend who loved skinny women and put me under pressure to be even thinner, which royally screwed my head up and I ended up over eating and gaining weight to the tune of being 13st at one point.

That relationship ended after 4 years and I’m back on my own again. I’m 32 years old and have been single for a year and really don’t want to be in a relationship ever again. It’s a decision I’ve made and I’m quite happy with it. I have a good job, my own house and a great circle of friends and family so I’m very lucky in a lot of ways. Not to mention the freedom from control and bullying and cruelty.

Even though my head seems to be simmering down, I hadn’t actually realised that I’d started losing weight again. It sounds like a strange thing to say – I mean I did know I was losing some due to the stress of the breakup, but I didn’t realise how much until I tried on a top the other day that I hadn’t tried on in say 3 or years. And it fit.

I can’t describe what happened next. It’s like my head pinged and I was back in time and feeling like I had to be ultra thin again or I would suffer in my head. The “no food unless desperate” rule just slammed back into place like an anvil hitting me on the top of my head. I can’t describe it really only that somewhere in my brain it’s a hard and fast rule now and cannot be broken on pain of feeling like a fat pig that everyone looks at when she’s waddling her fat wobbly disgusting jelly arse down the street. Guys will snigger at me and people will avert their eyes as they don’t want to embarrass me by acknowledging my existence to save me the shame. I will walk to my bus in the horrors everyday knowing I’m a freak and will run into my office and stay there until dark. Its easier to come out when its dark as I can look at the ground and not have to be seen to be getting home without the scariness.

It feels like there’s never a down time where weight isn’t an issue for me. Toady I’ve had a bowl of muesli with yoghurt and a coffee and 2lt water. Lunch is half a ciabatta with a triangle of laughing cow. Then a coffee in the afternoon. At home tonight Ill have half a weightwatchers chicken curry and give the cat the other half. Then another coffee and Ill probably drink another 3lt water at least before the day is by.

At one level I’m controlling it by forcing myself to eat, but this is only the start. I know how it goes. Every meal will be a battle. The hunger will take over everything and Ill break in my head. I cant go to counselling because I cant tell anyone what I don’t know. So it wont help. Its like an addiction. I’m scared now though as I’ve been thorough it before and it takes up all my time. I have to look at the food and decide if I’m really hungry. Go away and make double sure, if I’m still hungry when I come back then I can have 3 bites. Or can I wait longer. Rewarded by good feeling if I can resist. If I can cut out a meal it’s a high.

Has anyone come out of this on here? It’s the time patterns of waiting and weighing and checking and rituals that worry me as I have a stressful job that wont allow for the rituals so Ill have to do them at night – weigh out the food exactly, cook it exactly. Look up my calorie intake etc. I know its on the way.

Can anyone advise? Please? Im scared because I know whats in store.

Nevyn

Ok first of congratulations on being aware of this happening and reaching out before you are seriously damaging your mental and phyical health.

You do need help and support, you need to find out what triggered this and why you are
returning to such self controling methods.

I suggest you get in touch with http://www.bodywhys.ie/ and find counselling and/or
a support group that can help you with this.

prinz

Visit GP and tell them what you just put in your post, i.e. your history and present frame of mind. You can always go to counselling, you obviously know what you're doing. Even print off your post here and bring it with you. Let them read it. You need help.

*Honey*

You really need help with this. I know you say you can't tell them why you're doing this as you don't know yourself but I'd say you may not just be seeing the why and it might take some work with someone professional to help you understand and see why this is happening.

Nothing happens for no reason - there's always cause and effect. Whatever you're going through right now is bringing back all your emotional/physical repsonses that you had at the time of the anorexia and the behaviour you learnt at that time to get through whatever was going on has appeared again. This in itself is telling you that you need help - and you're really wise to know it yourself too. I would agree with the Bodywhys suggestion - it would be no harm at all just to give them a call and see how it goes... one step at a time, commit yourself to nothing more than a call at this stage. Then re-evaluate and see what more you want to do. But please don't let that disordered thinking cloud your judgement - right now you can recognise it for what it is, you need to keep that part of you going and get help before you get completely lost in the destructive behaviour.

Please phone them and get help. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, the first thing I really need to say to you before anything else can be addressed is to stop drinking that amount of water in a day. PLease, it is honestly the most important thing you can do for your health at this moment.

As for the rest...yes counselling can be scary but you really really need to do this for yourself. You deserve to be happy and content in your own skin OP, without this hanging over your head. You deserve to do the best you can for yourself and counselling is the first step towards that. I think you are going to hear very similar advice from other posters, please please take it. And Goodluck xxx