Feeling threatened by other women

LegacyUser

Don't know what is wrong with me, I am a lovely good looking girl, my boyfriend loves me apart from the bad side of my personality which seems to be jealousy and insecuritey.

Whenever he mentions a woman's name like, I saw x from school today, not seen her for years (as an example), my first reaction is, do you fancy her, what does she look like. I hate being like this, he is even getting his hair cut next week from a family friend who I don't know and I am thinking he is only going because he fancies her.

Why am I like this? I act like I am 16 when in fact I am 10 years older!

Why am I so worried? Why am I so jealous when I know myself I am very attractive?

KildareCross

Ah i think that it's only natural to be like that from time to time. I don't think it even is down to personal insecurities either it's just the way we'r build. Maybe you over think things? I do this myself I read into things too much and have all the different senarios played out in my head quicker than i can blink. How long are you together, maybe its a trust issue that you just don't feel you know him well enough, or maybe you know how easy it is in this day and age for people to cheat and get away with it ect.... I put it down to over thinking IMO

puglover

KildareCross wrote: »

Ah i think that it's only natural to be like that from time to time. I don't think it even is down to personal insecurities either it's just the way we'r build. Maybe you over think things? I do this myself I read into things too much and have all the different senarios played out in my head quicker than i can blink. How long are you together, maybe its a trust issue that you just don't feel you know him well enough, or maybe you know how easy it is in this day and age for people to cheat and get away with it ect.... I put it down to over thinking IMO

Am no it's not natural to be constantly questioning your oh and feeling insecure/jealous.

Op I don't know if there is alot of advice anyone can give you. You seem to be aware of the fact that it is totally irrattional yourself.

I would sugegst trying to figure out why you feel this way,( bad experience in the past for example) and then maybe you can move on from it.

You need to realise that your BF is with you and know one else. you'll drive yourself mad thinking this way and quite possibly drive your BF away.

aineolach

I used to be like that all the time - actually I still am some times. I turned it into a joke and whenever I started to feel a bit jealous I'd say, "That's it, [insert bloke's name here] is going on the list." (not funny but it worked).

Of course this worked because I told my OH what I was doing and why and she was understanding so she was willing to ignore it. If I thought that saying things like that would make her think twice about what she'd say to me I wouldn't have done it.

Don't know if that's any help but it worked for me.

puglover wrote: »

Am no it's not natural to be constantly questioning your oh and feeling insecure/jealous.

It is for some people - such as the OP. People are different.

OP don't worry about trying to fit in with what's "natural" or what's "normal".

Sure your insecurity is a flaw but here's a secret: everybody has flaws. I'm quite insecure myself but I found it helped me more to accept it and work around it rather than trying to overcome it.

puglover wrote: »

you'll drive yourself mad thinking this way and quite possibly drive your BF away.

Don't worry about driving yourself mad thinking this way or driving your BF away. It's already a big enough problem for you so you don't need to pile on the pressure.

The fact is that you're already mad (at least slightly irrational) so you really don't need to add that to the list and your BF will only get driven away if you act on these fears.

Is your BF aware of how you feel? If he is then try turning it into a joke, laughter helps to turn "big" things into "little" things.

LegacyUser

Reading between the lines, you may not love yourself or have self esteem problems. Consider finding someone to address your emotional problems and everything else will click into place. Being "very attractive" to most men is like a box ticked scenario so you're lucky but it isn't the be all and end all. Aspire to loving yourself and everything about yourself. Ask your bf to be more affectionate and tell you why he loves you. Ask him to take you away for the weekend so you can have some alone time

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

Reading between the lines, you may not love yourself or have self esteem problems. Consider finding someone to address your emotional problems and everything else will click into place. Being "very attractive" to most men is like a box ticked scenario so you're lucky but it isn't the be all and end all. Aspire to loving yourself and everything about yourself. Ask your bf to be more affectionate and tell you why he loves you. Ask him to take you away for the weekend so you can have some alone time

+1

All the attractiveness in the world won't make him stay if you wreck his head.

bubblewrap

Look, there is always going to be someone better looking that everyone...I agree about making it a joke, if he looks at a girl or mentions a girl, just make a lighthearted comment like oh yeah she is really pretty, rather than grilling him about how much he would like to be on her!

Going away together is a perfect idea, away from those day to day feelings, getting closer, it just being the two of you.

Lovely....:cool:

(BTW I compare myself to other women too and it's rubbish, but for every good looking woman out there, there is a good looking man!) :cool:

Das Kitty

I don't care what some of the above posters have said.

Jealousy is harmful and toxic to a relationship.

OP I think you may be focusing too much on the aesthetic, you're putting too much value in looks, you're constantly rating these other women on how they compare to you in one department only. If your boyfriend is only with you for your appearance (which is unlikely) then you're better off without him to be honest.

If you could step back and take a full appraisal of why he wants to be with you (seriously make a list and leave anything to do with looks off it) you would see that it doesn't matter what these women he knows look like, it's you he wants and it's you he's with.

You do need to sort this out, he probably feels like he has to watch what he says around you, and eventually the behaviour will drive him away.

Good luck with it.

Sinall

I totally agree with Das Kitty. It's the whole package that your boyfriend likes about you! Physical looks might attract you to someone initially but it's personality and everything about them as a person that makes you stay.

It sounds like you are not secure in yourself OP. Try to relax and remember that your boyfriend wants to be with you!

bubblewrap

I think the fact of how easy cheating can be these days doesn't help, sneaky little texts, nights out, dating profiles etc...THAT is based on looks generally but no matter what a wonderful gf you are, there will always be the unfaithful gobsh*tes, unless your bf is obviously one of them, stop worrying. I am sure he loves you or he wouldn't put up with the silly questions!

shellyboo

bubblewrap wrote: »

(BTW I compare myself to other women too and it's rubbish, but for every good looking woman out there, there is a good looking man!) :cool:

An excellent point, bubblewrap

OP, apply logic to the situation. Do you think there are better looking men in the world than your bf? Like, realistically, do men exist who are better looking than him? I'm gonna take a stab and say yes.

So, you can appreciate that those men look better - do you fancy all those men? I'm gonna say no.

And furthermore, just because a guy is good looking, does that make you want to cheat on your bf? Also no.

So - why aren't you giving your bf the same credit? Is he such an animal that he can't control himself? No, he's a man with feelings and a conscience and a brain. He can separate aesthetics from attraction.

It doesn't MATTER if there are better looking girls out there. It has no bearing on your relationship.

Kimia

I read somewhere that in a relationship if you constantly put yourself down or think of yourself as unattractive, you are actually pointing out things for the other person to think about.

Example - if you have a spot and you keep going on about the spot all you are doing is drawing people's attention to the spot.

Confidence is very attractive. If you believe yourself to be fabulous and beautiful and a good person, you will project that onto others. And it goes both ways - if you compare yourself to others in a negative way always it is VERY unattractive and you will push people away.

bubblewrap

shellyboo wrote: »

An excellent point, bubblewrap

OP, apply logic to the situation. Do you think there are better looking men in the world than your bf? Like, realistically, do men exist who are better looking than him? I'm gonna take a stab and say yes.

So, you can appreciate that those men look better - do you fancy all those men? I'm gonna say no.

And furthermore, just because a guy is good looking, does that make you want to cheat on your bf? Also no.

So - why aren't you giving your bf the same credit? Is he such an animal that he can't control himself? No, he's a man with feelings and a conscience and a brain. He can separate aesthetics from attraction.

It doesn't MATTER if there are better looking girls out there. It has no bearing on your relationship.

Men are weaker than women though. :eek:



Totally agree with what you said though.

Das Kitty

bubblewrap wrote: »

Men are weaker than women though. :eek:



Totally agree with what you said though.

Well if you believe that then you don't totally agree with her.

bubblewrap

What I am saying it, it is very true that we are able to look at other men and not want to jump on them, but let's face it, men don't have as much willpower as us!

Not saying all men will cheat with girls they fancy but a hell of a lot do, sadly. Don't want to generalise but I tend to find women who cheat are lacking emotion in their relationships rather than purely acting on opportunity.

Nevyn

bubblewrap lets not have any sexist claptrap please.

bubblewrap

Thought it was a psychological fact, am sorry!

John Mason

bubblewrap wrote: »

What I am saying it, it is very true that we are able to look at other men and not want to jump on them, but let's face it, men don't have as much willpower as us!

i find that statement extremely offensive. :mad:

OP, jealously is an evil emotion and you need to control it before it begins to control you.

you need to sit down with you bf and talk to him about your feelings and see if you can find out why you feel like this.

coming from a relationship with an extremely jealous and control person, i can tell you from personal experience jealous will not only destroy your relationship but it will also destroy both of you.

you need to get it under control

Sinall

bubblewrap wrote: »

What I am saying it, it is very true that we are able to look at other men and not want to jump on them, but let's face it, men don't have as much willpower as us!

Not saying all men will cheat with girls they fancy but a hell of a lot do, sadly. Don't want to generalise but I tend to find women who cheat are lacking emotion in their relationships rather than purely acting on opportunity.

Apologies if this is slightly off topic - but I believe it is down to the individual as to the amount of willpower they have and whether or not they will cheat - some men and some women will cheat and others won't.

To the OP, jealously is a terrible emotion for you to be experiencing - it's painful and gets you nowhere! It really is a torment for you. You do have the power over your own thoughts and feelings so try working on yourself and I hope the negative thoughts etc go away!

SarahSassy

KildareCross wrote: »

Ah i think that it's only natural to be like that from time to time.

Its not normal and its not good for your own emotional / mental health and its certainly not fair on an innocent partner..

Most insecure and jealous people only think about themselves and are obsessed about how they are feeling and what they are thinking but they dont often think about the damage its doing to the relationship and also to their partners own personal confidence..

I know guys who are half scared of treating a woman normally after being with needy and jealous women before.

Its not attractive so stop it..

LegacyUser

i was with, as i know in hindsight, the most jealous woman you ever saw. i could nearly get over it because i could never cheat anyway and i did love her except for how self absorbed she became. it was all about her selfish perspective. it made her repulsive to me. i got out before too long

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replys and sorry for not responding sooner, I am still struggling with these feelings, it makes me feel sick the thought of him being with another girl. I can't stop thinking it.