First time gun for hire! [my first attempt!]

Dave!

Hey folks,

I just wrote this last night! I haven't written anything since I was about 16 (and they were sh*te), so I sat down last night hoping to write a song! It came out more poetic than anything, so I figure I'll post it here Any thoughts would be appreciated
Please excuse the haphazard and inconsistent rhythm and rhyme scheme, as well as the obviously forced words in various places



A quiet car park, the location
I secured my destination,
I ensured my soul's damnation
and condemned myself to hell.

"As agreed, here's half the cash,
but I must be sure before I dash,
that you're not just giving this a lash
--I mean, you've done this thing before?"

"Oh I do it all the time,
I've spent my life engaged in crime,
I rob, and yes, I kill", I lied,
"just leave the job to me!"

I clean some old, cold, steel revolver,
put the bullets in their chamber,
test the trigger, cock the hammer,
and off I go to end a life.

As my victim's house I try to find,
a thousand thoughts run through my mind:
why does this man deserve to die?
Will his parents sigh a painful sigh?

Will his kids be traumatised?
Will mother have to tell them lies
to disguise the truth, to save their cries,
to dry their eyes?

I check again my ammunition,
then I find a good position,
Concentrate, ensure precision,
looking through their window pane.

I'm paralyzed with trepedation
manifest as hesitation,
I stop, my trigger finger frozen;
I've been compromised.

Panic hits me, I react,
the bullets hit his chest, his back,
and when I cease with the attack
I see just what I've done.

Amidst the cries, the blood, the screams,
a little boy lies still and dreams
no more, his mother's heart it seems
is broken.

Saddled with the guilt of murder
pumping through my veins I muster
up the strength to go no further,
turn the gun upon myself.



Any thoughts would be appreciated!

seanybiker

Im not really a poem type fella. Likes that though.

Insect Overlord

I like it! You've told us not to point out the uneven rhythm so I won't make a big deal out of it, but I will say that another hour's work on this and the rhythm and rhyme could be completely fine-tuned. It's not far off being very good indeed.

Apart from that I feel it needs just one more line at the end. The "turn the gun upon myself" line is powerful, but I think it could be made really striking with another few words. (I'm a big fan of rhyming couplets at the end of poems, so that might just be my own preference clouding my judgement )

Dave!

seanybiker wrote: »

Im not really a poem type fella. Likes that though.

Thanks

An File wrote: »

I like it! You've told us not to point out the uneven rhythm so I won't make a big deal out of it, but I will say that another hour's work on this and the rhythm and rhyme could be completely fine-tuned. It's not far off being very good indeed.

Apart from that I feel it needs just one more line at the end. The "turn the gun upon myself" line is powerful, but I think it could be made really striking with another few words. (I'm a big fan of rhyming couplets at the end of poems, so that might just be my own preference clouding my judgement )

Cheers! You're right, if I spent more time on it I could probably make it tidier in terms of r&r, so I'll bear that in mind for this and any subsequent writings And I'll also consider adding a few words to the end of this!

I appreciate your thoughts, and nice to know someone rates it I haven't written anything since I was an angsty teenager, but I guess I just got a rush of inspiration the other night

If anyone else reads it then please post up some thoughts, even just "liked it"/"didn't like it"

Cheers

pauline fayne

Hi , I see it working better as a song ...perhaps you could have both . Keep writing !

peanuthead

I like it

D4RK ONION

Really really good! The third verse for me was the weakest rhythm wise, but most of the others could be fixed quickly. I agree with An File, in that the end is quite abrupt. Even if you kept that line as the last, and fitted in more behind it maybe? Perhaps use some repetition from earlier. Maybe these two lines could be reused?

test the trigger, cock the hammer,
and off I go to end a life.

Have yout got a tune for it?

Dave!

Thanks No I haven't got a tune for it, ye think it would work as a song?

Maybe I'll give it a go

D4RK ONION

I do! I was running through possible chord progressions as I read it!

randylonghorn

Dave! wrote: »

Please excuse the haphazard and inconsistent rhythm and rhyme scheme, as well as the obviously forced words in various places

Yes, it needs a bit of tidying. I thought the choice of rhythm was interesting though ... it's quite quick, almost staccato ... when I started reading it, I certainly didn't expect it to be about a murder, and yet the rhythm fits with a sense of being borne along by events once the first step has been taken.

As others have said, the last stanza doesn't quite do it, it's too matter-of-fact or something ... also, it somehow doesn't come as any surprise, the guilt and questioning has been too heavily signposted earlier in the poem.

That said, if this is the first thing you've written in years, then you should definitely try to do more. There's potential here; there's potential in this poem in fact, but you may need to re-think what you are trying to say with it, and then pull it apart and put it back together again.