Really upset

sparkydee27

I don't want to be too specific but my boss officially hates me. When i first started work we got on really well we just clicked. Before christmas and at the christmas party i told people i fancied him. And i'm guessing he freaked out about it and became more distant. I get that he didn't like me back and wanted to create space between us. But it's now april and things are worse he can't bring himself to look at me. Plus it's not just me he's being rude to other people have said he's been rude to them. I can't say it to him because he's very dismissive towards me. He's my supervisor they are other people above him he's not the boss per se. I want to know how to deal with someone who makes you feel small and belittles you?

Nitxteha

you made a mistake there: why did you tell anybody at work you fancied your boss? People at work are colleagues, nice people sometimes not so nice people other times.... but THEY ARE NOT FRIENDS! People in general, and at work specifically, love the gossip.

Your boss seems to be more aware of this fact and even if he may like you (as a person), obviously doesnt want to have roumours about him and wants to keep a professional image. That's why he's acting like that.

Don't worry too much, don't change your attitude, be yourself, concentrate at work, and don't share any more personal info with your colleagues! Don't make any comment about him, good or bad, nothing. You'll see this will fixed with time.

(And try to "fancy" somebody outside work next time )

shellyboo

sparkydee27 wrote: »

I don't want to be too specific but my boss officially hates me. When i first started work we got on really well we just clicked. Before christmas and at the christmas party i told people i fancied him. And i'm guessing he freaked out about it and became more distant. I get that he didn't like me back and wanted to create space between us. But it's now april and things are worse he can't bring himself to look at me. Plus it's not just me he's being rude to other people have said he's been rude to them. I can't say it to him because he's very dismissive towards me. He's my supervisor they are other people above him he's not the boss per se. I want to know how to deal with someone who makes you feel small and belittles you?

To be fair, you've put him in an awful position. Not only does he have unwanted attention from an employee, but everyone in the office knows about it. So if he's nice to you or shows you any sort of special treatment, he's leaving himself open to all sorts of accusations. So I don't blame him one bit for keeping his distance, that's only sensible. It was horribly unprofessional of you to tell workmates that you fancied your boss... really out of line.

Apart from that, you say he's being rude and dismissive to everyone... so why are YOU so upset? It's not just you, you've admitted that... so maybe it has nothing to do with you at all? If, as a group of colleagues, you feel that your supervisor is not treating you all with respect and dealing with you professionally, then by all means go over his head and air your concerns with his boss... but you simply can't go running to his superior and say "my supervisor is being nasty to me because he doesn't fancy me back." That's juvenile behaviour.

prinz

Yep everything the first two said. Can't blame the man. he's probably more interested in maintaining his job and career, rather than have even the suspicion of a work place dalliance coming out. Any chance he's also married/in a relationship?

No no no, never broadcast that kind of information round the workplace. Amateur mistake. Can never end well.

Lollipops23

if it were just you he was acting weird around i wouldn't really pay attention to it,but why is he being an ass around your colleagues. i'd say he's feeling mighty awkward around you,maybe embarrassed that your colleagues know you fancy him?it was unprofessional of you to announce your feelings to them tbh. perhaps give it another month or two and if he really continues to make your life hell (and by that i mean not just being a bit stand offish)then have a quiet and casual chat. apologise for putting him in the positiona and ask that it all be forgotten.

bubblewrap

Oh dear! Don't worry, I fancied one of my bosses secretly a few jobs ago - never said anything but he must have picked up my body language and he used to tease me and make me go red in front of everyone - which would you prefer? :eek::D

sparkydee27

Firstly more background we used spend all our time together in work, walk home, go for drinks. I met his friends who told me we acted like a couple. So obviously incorrectly i thought he liked me. We used tell each other everything he used tell about his personal life. We were friends outside of work. I would never report him never. I still feel loyal to him not sure why though.

CDfm

sparkydee27 wrote: »

He's my supervisor they are other people above him he's not the boss per se. I want to know how to deal with someone who makes you feel small and belittles you?

I think you are reading too much into it. Many people are very sensitve about relationships at work and the whole sexual harrassment thing and you probably hit on one of his sensitivities.Maybe his boss had a go at him for being over familiar etc.

The best way to deal with it is to be positive and professional and helpful towards him and demonstrably so.When you start treating him exactly like any other work colleague you will cope better and the vibe will change.

You need to plan your work and list it out so that you know you are achieving the tasks you need to complete and have a record of them.

That way you can avoid negative work assessments.

You were probably very unguarded with your comments especially with the christmas party - do you mind me asking what you said to whom and is there a likelyhood that he is getting slagged about it?

Did you talk in work about your friendship or let slip stuff said in confidence.I had a work colleague and while in her eyes she is lovely capable and caring was so unguarded that she caused untold grief for me even more so than people who I didnt get along with. My only protection was to absolutely set up a formalised work regimen for her to establish distance. It was a real pity and she doesnt see she has done any wrong but I cant really trust her.

sparkydee27

Maybe i am over analysing it but it's impacting work. He speaks to me in a derogatory manner now. There's a bad atmosphere in our section. I wish he could just be pleasant with me. I get that he is annoyed but surely still making it obvious 4 months later is keeping it fresh in people's minds. I told a few people at my table about it incredibly stupid but i was drunk. I hold my hands up for that.

Cycalogic

You say you used to be friends. I know what you done was pretty childish and no doubt he feels weird about it, but its quite childish on his part too.
Can you talk to him, corner him, if needs be, outside of work and try make him see things from your point of view?
Can you write him an email explaining your sorry about what happened at christmas but could you both agree to be at least civil to each other inside work?

luckat

Don't put it in an email!

If there's any possibility of getting another job, do so. Meanwhile, ignore any derogatory things he says (but keep a record), and be pleasant and professional.

Look at what you want from this situation:

1) to get away from this working environment
2) to do so without it hurting your reputation and prospects

Terodil

This is a ****ty situation and I don't think there's a simple solution. I'm afraid looking for another job is probably the most viable option for you because you really should not bring this topic up again.

As previous posters said, his behaviour is easily explained by the shock he got when he heard that you fancied him. I guess it is his first management position? he may have fallen into the trap of socialising too much with subordinates, your admission shocked it out of him and now the pendulum has gone to the other side, maybe too much, but that's nothing you should be worrying about. If it's a general problem then others have it as well and will act on it before long, but for you: hands off.

There's one additional, remote option that I can see: Your company might offer mediation. If that is the case, you could try to find out if that's any option for your situation. Mediators are bound to confidentiality.

CDfm

sparkydee27 wrote: »

I get that he is annoyed but surely still making it obvious 4 months later is keeping it fresh in people's minds.

I imagine you are being overly sensitive just now and are probably letting your feelings show.

Taking a business like approach and keeping/blocking your feelings out of it should make things easier for both of you.

Be prim proper and diligent giving him no reason to criticise you or others reasons for criticising you to him.Treat work like a work place and do your job and go home and avoid the socialising aspects.

You seem to forget that he reports to someone else. It would seem to me that something was said to him by his boss and that is not unusual.

I think that would be better ATM than trying to do anything to clear the air.All fine in theory but could go on both of your personel files .

I told a few people at my table about it incredibly stupid but i was drunk. I hold my hands up for that.

Can you remember exactly what you said while drunk. How drunk were you and was it really bad?

outsidearth

sparkydee27 wrote: »

I don't want to be too specific but my boss officially hates me. When i first started work we got on really well we just clicked. Before christmas and at the christmas party i told people i fancied him. And i'm guessing he freaked out about it and became more distant. I get that he didn't like me back and wanted to create space between us. But it's now april and things are worse he can't bring himself to look at me. Plus it's not just me he's being rude to other people have said he's been rude to them. I can't say it to him because he's very dismissive towards me. He's my supervisor they are other people above him he's not the boss per se. I want to know how to deal with someone who makes you feel small and belittles you?

dont mind him.. my previous boss [god, kill him!] was ****! ****er. i just wishes him the worst.. :pac:

Milkey Bar Kid

Look for a new job as you messed it up for yourself

sparkydee27

A new job is not an option for me. I enjoy my work. But surely the fact that i said i liked him is not end of the world. And it shouldn't be impacting our work. Yes i made a mess of the whole situation but i want to sort it out not walk away. Cdfm i told people that i really liked him and everyone said they thought he liked me. And then the following week it's like i don't exist.

SarahSassy

You made a total balls of it and as stated here colleagues are not necessarily to be trusted and definitely not (most of them) ot be confided in. You did a very silly thing and are reaping the results..

If you wont leave then get on with it. You cant say anything to him as it is not just you he treats like this so its not preferential treatment.

You seem to think you have dont nothing wrong but you were very unprofessional and tbh you sound like youj are throwing your rattle out of the pram not he is not playing ball rather than because of the effect it may have on your career.

Keep work & love life separate...

CDfm

sparkydee27 wrote: »

A new job is not an option for me. I enjoy my work. But surely the fact that i said i liked him is not end of the world. And it shouldn't be impacting our work. Yes i made a mess of the whole situation but i want to sort it out not walk away. Cdfm i told people that i really liked him and everyone said they thought he liked me. And then the following week it's like i don't exist.

There is a recession on and you protect your job cos that is what you earn money from.

The best thing is to put on the professional act and have your work perfect.Adopt a professional work persona. THis will help you deal with him on a work basis.Make sure your work is perfect too.

So you need a work persona approach for your own protection so that if a complaint is made about your work or attitude it is groundless. Thats survival skills 101.

It will also make it easier for you to deal with him on a day to day basis.

If anyone does ask why you dont get on have a one liner ready like " I had a crush on him when I started -a bit embarressing really" and leave it at that.

I know you really liked him and it and thats why I am suggessting this as your best approach and you will be able to sail through most of not all situations.

I've posted all that without saying grow up - but starting of in a career organisation is like being in first year in school -even the geeks in second year are better because they know the rules and pecking order.

I am sure most proffesionals would tell you something similar.

sparkydee27

Sarahsassy i'm well aware i made a mess of it and i've said so in previous posts. I've been seeing someone since january and he knows this. But to be fair when you ask your boss to pass you papers and he flings them on the floor is that justified? Or tells me to shut up in a meeting? Won't pass on messages to me? I know i was unprofessional but it's 4 months later so surely a line can be drawn? Thanks for all the helpful advice. I have learnt from my mistake but i'm finding hard to deal with it.

Taltos

For what it is worth - if you really like your job and you will not move on then maybe just try rising above it all.

Or why not ask to speak with him to clear the air - tell him you respect him but that you are finding his current attitude difficult to deal with.
If the Christmas party is thrown in your face then.... hold up your hands - but it was the party and alcohol was involved... but you are sorry for any embarrasment your caused him, however you are there to do your job and you need his help to do this properly.

If you both cannot agree to work as adults then either move on or lodge a complaint with HR.

These things happen to everyone - the measure is how you deal with it and ensure that you do not repeat. As per the first poster - in work there are no friends - you can be lucky - but you have to protect your income.

SarahSassy

sparkydee27 wrote: »

Sarahsassy i'm well aware i made a mess of it and i've said so in previous posts. I've been seeing someone since january and he knows this. But to be fair when you ask your boss to pass you papers and he flings them on the floor is that justified? Or tells me to shut up in a meeting? Won't pass on messages to me? I know i was unprofessional but it's 4 months later so surely a line can be drawn? Thanks for all the helpful advice. I have learnt from my mistake but i'm finding hard to deal with it.

You didnt explain any of this and the impression given was that you hd the hump cos he wont pay attention to you.

What you have explained above is bullying and harrassment and i would file a complaint with his boss. You would be fully entitled if the above has happened.

Kimia

He sounds like he's gone completely overboard trying to 'prove' that he doesn't like you either. He doesn't sound like a very nice person to be honest.

Why don't you talk to him about it? Don't send him an email - too easily found and spread - but try and corner him or ring him and discuss it professionally.

Say that you were drunk at Christmas and that you're sorry if you said something to collegues that made him feel uncomfortable. Also say that you have completely moved on from your crush and that you are happy with your current bf, and that you would appreciate if you could both go back to the ways things were.

Hopefully that will clear things up. If he carries on treating you like this, it is unacceptable and do what Sarah sassy says above.

Blazer

Jesus christ...some holier than thou people here on this thread.
Simple fact is if it was a bloke with a woman as a boss we've have none of this crap with backstabbing etc.

Op..been in the same boat as you except I was the boss and she was reporting to me. Really made a bollix of it and it took over 6 months of glaring at each other before I got the balls to sort it out.

My advice..sit down..have a 1 to 1 chat with him..keep it professional..apologise for your mistake but don't attempt to justify it.
Just explain it was a genuine mistake, it won't happen again and you'll keep your work life professional.
The last thing you want is this hanging over your head every morning you go to work.

Kimia

How was anyone holier than thou? They were only giving their opinions.

I agree though - sort it out OP.

sparkydee27

SarahSassy the above has happened. He has been really horrible. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to deal with this. I liked him but have moved on. I made a stupid mistake and feel it's an ongoing saga. Anyhow thanks for all the replies.

CDfm

Mathew Reilly wrote: »

My advice..sit down..have a 1 to 1 chat with him..keep it professional..apologise for your mistake but don't attempt to justify it.
Just explain it was a genuine mistake, it won't happen again and you'll keep your work life professional.
The last thing you want is this hanging over your head every morning you go to work.

Thats very sensible.

But it should not be a heart to heart chat. When you tackle something in your professional life even an apology you need top be gracious and dont underestimate the embarrassment that you may have caused him in his first management role.

No harm in combining this with a new professional attitude towards work.

martdalto

From your latest posts I have to say HE is the one being totally childish and unprofessional..

You say you are seeing someone since January, and he knows about it. Maybe he's jealous of this! You were very close, regularly socialised ytou had met his personal friends, you openly admitted you fancied him and then a few weeks later you're going out with someone else. I think his ego might be a bit bruised!

Anyway, I digress from what I originally wanted to say to you.... surely if he tells you to shut up in a meeting then there are witnesses?

I would not be inclined to let this go on a minute further. Either speak to him directly about how he is treating you (dont even mention the christmas party.. it is now irrelevant) and give him a chance to redeem himself, or go directly to his superior with a complaint.

Even if he treats others like this, it's no reason to accept it. And you cannot make a complaint for others, only for yourself. Sort it out... either by talking to him, and letting him know that if his behaviour towards you does not improve and become more professional than you will have to go to his boss.

It will be a very difficult conversation to have, BUT, unless you want to continue on like this for the rest of your time working there (whether he is your boss or not) then it's one you're going to have to have.

Good Luck!

sparkydee27

Thanks for all the replies. I know i'm not completely innocent in all this and brought it on myself. Thanks again

NickNolte

If he's being derogatory towards you and bullying you (intentionally witholding information that's important to your job, telling you to shut up, flinging papers on the floor) then it's him that needs to be sorted out. It was a bit silly of you to tell all your colleagues about fancying your supervisor but there's nothing illegal about it nor, I'm sure, was it in breach of any internal employment policies. Many people meet their partners in a work environment. No big deal. Start keeping a written record of every time that he bullys you and then report him to HR. If the outcome of this isn't satisfactory to you, speak to a solicitor. Persistent workplace bullys need to be fired regardless of circumstances.

To the others who think that this idiot's behaviour is acceptable or excusable, shame on you. The guy should be enough of a man to brush the OP's advances off his shoulder and get on with his job.