Worn out

LegacyUser

Hi,

My best mate lost her brother over 2.5years ago. It was awful and to be honest shes never gotten over it. I basically lost my best friend the day he died aswell. Shes depressed, hyper sensative, paranoid etc....Everytime i talk to her on the phone, see her face to face or go out on a night out she cries over something or other. I dealt with it over the years cos i had to, tried to be there for her but its so hopeless tryign to help someone when you know the one thing you want to do to help them is bring their loved one back and you cant!!!

Anyway, met my boyfriend last year and then his dad dies suddenly before Christmas there. So now ive got two grieving people in my life, if its not one its the other and its gotten to the stage now where im mentally drained. Theyre the two people who i want to talk to about stuff but i feel like i dont want to be burdening each of them with problems when they have their own stuff to deal with.

Ive asked my friend to go to couselling but shes terrified cos she knows she'll have to discuss stuff from her past that she doesnt want to talk about, but to be honest i cant deal with this anymore, she needs to help herself at this stage. Im afraid im going to lose it with her and say whats really on my mind but i know that would do no good so im biting my tongue, listening, then shes ok for a week or two and then something else happens and shes in tears again. This cant go on, its affecting my work, my relationship with my boyfriend. I feel selfish for thinking like this cos its nobodys fault but i just want someone to look after me for a change. Everywhere i turn theres drama. Im just sick of it. How do i tell her ive had enough without her thinking im not gonna be there for her, which i always will, but i just need to know shes gonna help herself...

Thanks

LegacyUser

You will have to say what's really on your mind. But instead of waiting until she makes you snap why dont you instigate the conversation. Maybe do some research into who will be a good counsellor for her, meet her for lunch, give her the number. It's a tough one because you can't say 'get over it' or 'i cant take much more of this', but you still have to convey that message sensitively, you are facillitating her wallowing in this grief; i'm sure her brother would much prefer her to be happy and move on with things.

Maybe you, her & a load of her brothers friends can meet up for drinks & take photo's of him with youse to remember him, you could make it like a positive thing to celebrate his memory but also like a bookend mark to her grieving period. It would probably be best to do this after she has had a few grief counselling sessions first to prepare though!

lushballs

Its called 'compassion fatigue'. Common in the helping professions, with carers, or people who feel comfortable to take on the role of supporter, rescuer or helper. Just be straight up with the people in your life. I.E. you are drained, it's affecting other areas of your life and you need time out to replenish yourself. They will source other supports if they need them, believe me. Return responsibility back to them for their own grieving process.
You need to focus on your grieving process re losses/changes/transitions you are experiencing. Your needs come first right now. Good luck.

cafecolour

Tell her to get counseling and/or join a grief support group, non negotiable. And perhaps go to one yourself.

Have you tried bringing up some of your own (unrelated) problems - it might not work, or it might be good distraction for her - giving advice to others is a great way to ignore your own issue.

Finally, there's a def danger that she'll get so used to this, that it becomes only how she can relate to you out of habit - even if everything going grand she talks to you and breaks down almost out of habit. Explain this to her, and that you don't want her to get stuck in a friendship rut and only associate talking with you with more negative and painful things. Say, non-negotiable, she has to go to counseling and/or a grief support group, to deal with the more painful aspects. With you, you want her to try only focusing on the positive in her life - no matter how small - and if she starts going negative again, just gently remind her 'positive now, darling.'

useful_contacts

mentallydrained wrote: »

Theyre the two people who i want to talk to about stuff .

ok so there are 2 people that need you but from your post you want your friend to help herself,and not your new boyfriend to help himself- which isint fair.

mentallydrained wrote: »

Ive asked my friend to go to couselling but shes terrified cos she knows she'll have to discuss stuff from her past that she doesnt want to talk about, but to be honest i cant deal with this anymore, she needs to help herself at this stage

have you said this to your bf too?if not why not? dont blame everything on your friend your neglecting her because of your new partner

mentallydrained wrote: »

This cant go on, its affecting my work, my relationship with my boyfriend. How do i tell her ive had enough

Iv said this already- your friend is grieving, and so is your boyfriend, but you seem willing you throw away your friends grief for your partners and thats horrible. You havnt said if your partners openly upset or not- but your friend obviously is. you have had "enough" of your friends problems, but if it was your boyfriends grief you wouldnt have enough of it

TBH it sounds like your more than willing to dump your froend for your new BF and seriously thats plain awful

LegacyUser

OP again. Thanks for the replies.
Useful contacts - Ive spent the last 2.5 years being there for my best mate, as difficult as it was, i never gave up on her. I met my boyfriend and after a year his dad died (only 4 months ago). Its still raw with him, yes hes openly upset sometimes, i live with him aswell so im seeing this every day. I want to give him my time now as he needs it as his grief is still so new. My mate has worked through her grief the past couple of years but the slightest thing sets her off nowadays, shes depressed, paranoid, sensitive..... Im sorry but depression is not something im qualified to help her with. Thats all im saying, i want her to help herself now and as always ill be there for her, i just need to know shes doing something to help herself and not rely on me totally to be the person she tells everything to in order to feel better for like a couple of days and then its back to square one!!

To be honest im not looking to "dump" anyone, she was my best friend before my boyfriend came along and she always will be. Youre making me out to be this selfish person, that couldnt be further from the truth. My boyfriend after only 4 months is seeing a bereavement counsellor as hes afraid that 6 months down the line he'll just lose it completely and he wants to get his head round things. My friend on the other hand doesnt seem willing to do this as she doesnt want to have to bring up things in her past that she feels should be left there. I tried to tell her that bereavement counselling will help her deal with her loss which is what she needs to do at the moment. That other stuff can wait for a differnt type of counsellor.

ManOfMystery

Useful_Contacts - That's a bit harsh - the OP has spent 2.5 years trying to help her friend get over this, it's not like she simply turned her back on her. She has been worn down by it. I've been in a similar situation so know what it's like; we're not machines and we can't provide an endless supply of compassion and empathy without burning ourselves out. It all takes a toll.