Attitude towards 'Giving up Drink'??

Communicator

I put a thread up here last wk about the amount of alcohol I'd been drinking and got great advice and support from people - some stories about how alcohol had impacted lives etc and it was a real eye opener. My initial question was are there people out there like me, which I quickly realised was just a way of me admitting I had a drink problem.

Anyway, have spoken to my GP and bought a book (allen carr) and haven't had a drink in a week - which is fantastic for me. I'm very proud of myself.

So here's the thing - I've mentioned to some people that 'I'm off the drink' or that 'I didn't have a drink last nite' and their attitude has astounded me. I'm likening my habit with drink to that of a heaver smoker - it's a drug, bottom line, and I'd become addicted to the drug.

A work colleague said 'Ah, you'll cave at the weekend' - a family member actually arrived to the house with a bottle of wine last nite and another friend said 'but it's only wine'....

So why oh why if a smoker gives up cigarettes, do they get support and encouragement and are told they're doing great and well done etc.

And yet, here I am, giving up another (similar) drug and I get the complete opposite reaction??? No one would DARE to arrive to a friends house with 20 cigarettes, having been told that person had stopped smoking. No one would DARE say to a smoker 'Ah sure it's only a cigarette'....

So why I guess my question is Why are people so accepting of giving up smoking...but not so accepting of giving up alcohol???

prinz

That's fairly reflective of the Irish drinking culture tbh. The abuse of alcohol is widespread in this country. You don't need to be an alcoholic to abuse the substance.

Just tell them what you told us. They will support you or they won't. Either way you don't need people having that kind of negative influence on you at this time.

Good luck.

Communicator

I'm sure they honestly don't mean to be negative and I'm also sure that 6 months ago, had someone said the same to me, I'd have given a similar reply.

But my friend who brought up the bottle of wine - we'd had a long chat on the phone the night before about this thread, as she'd seen it and she agreed that I'd been drinking too much, she STILL arrived with the bottle. She's currently in weightwatchers and I laughed saying, thats similar to me offering you 10 chocolate bars.

They feel they ARE being supportive by agreeing but me but you're right, it's the 'culture' of alcohol.

Dunno if you have read the Allen Carr book and I'm not saying that it's 'cured' me, but it has seriously changed my attitude.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

beth-lou

I think probably because the majority of people who smoke are considered by the wider public to be addicted to nicotine, so when they say they are giving up, people know that it is an addiction that they are trying to kick.

With drink it's different. Not everyone who drinks is addicted to alcohol, so when you say you're off the drink, they just assume you're not drinking for what ever reason. If you tell them you're off the drink because it was becoming a serious problem for you, I'd guess that the majority will be very supportive. They probably don't realise why you're off the drink.

Well done by the way. I was following your thread and I admire you for taking control of your life. It will benefit you and your children immensely.
A happy ending to what could have been a sad story.
Keep it up. You 're doing brilliantly.

deathstarkiller

I have sort of given up drink. Can't handle the hangovers or mood swings I can get so now I literally only get drunk maybe 5 times a year. I do get quite a bit of hassle for not drinking but I just started bringing my car with me when I go out and just say I'm driving. Nobody hassles you about drinking once you say you're driving.

iguana

I often choose not to drink and get the same reaction from people. I suspect that there are a lot of people who drink when they are out to give them confidence. And when they are out with someone who is confident enough not to drink, it highlights their insecurities and they don't like it. It makes them feel that if they get stupid when they are drinking you will be judging them.

There are also alcohol abusers who are termed "professional social drinkers" who won't drink alone, but when they really want a drink they won't stop until everyone around has one too. That way they can feel as if they don't have a problem.

I'd suggest that you consider telling a few close friends and family members why you aren't drinking and have them quietly back you up when you are out with this type of person. Alternatively you could invent really bad eczema and tell everyone your doctor has insisted you stop drinking while they treat it.

ETA: If you drive deathstarkiller's advice about driving is good.

Furious_Daz

I went through a similar situation a few years back myself and would firstly like to say well done and stick with it! I know how hard it is to give up the drink as its not just a drug, its more a lifestyle in this country. Everything seems to revolve around the weekend and the drink so its a major life change giving it up and will take alot of time for you and those around you to get used to the change.

I had this same pressure from friends when I first decided to stop drinking. I came to the conclusion that when you stop drinking, your friends see this in terms of 'how does this affect me?'. They'll miss the craic of having you out on the piss with them every weekend and will inevitably try to get you back on the sauce. The only advice I can offer is to be firm with them and explain the situation.

Some will accept it and some probably won't. In my own experience, I have a number of friends who I now only see by chance, as the only real connection we had was getting drunk on the weekends. While its always difficult to lose friends, you have to weigh up the pros and cons and do whats right for yourself in the long run. You'll feel all the better for it in the end. Good luck and I hope you stick with it!

LegacyUser

I have found (with my friends) that people really don't like when I say I am cutting down or giving up the drink. It makes them feel uncomfortable or something. I do feel a few of my friends have an unhealthy relationship with drink and that when I say I am cutting down it makes them have to look at themselves.

This happened a while back when I started to cut back on drink as I didn't like where I was going with it. In the end I found it easier not to say anything to any of them as I didnt want to hear them being negative "Ah you'll be back drinking at the weekend" or brushing off what I knew was as a problem with "Ah you're not that bad". When I myself knew that I was not happy with my relationship with drink but they just really didn't want to see me giving it up.

I now have a much healtheir relationship with alcohol. I too used to drink a bottle every couple of nights and a lot of the time 1 bottle wasnt enough. It is a really bad habit to get into.

I wish you the best of luck with cutting back! And my advice would be not to tell people what you are doing and just get on with it yourself!

thebaldsoprano

It's a bizarre one alright, I don't drink in term time because of work and college commitments and have similar problems if I nip into the pub for a couple of coffees and chat. Can't really think of any advice apart from fair play to ya and keep it up!

TwoShedsJackson

It is indicative of the drinking culture in Ireland - people just don't equate alcohol with being a substance to which you can become addicted. But it being so prevalent at least gives you plenty of opportunity to put yourself to the test when it comes to not actually drinking it, look on it as character building

Minxie123

I read this on AH and thought it was a pretty humorous way of looking at it. Good on you for stopping drinking (remember, you're not 'giving it up'), Alan Carr will tell you that

Armin_Tamzarian wrote: »

Hello...
My name is Armin and I'm a Soberoholic...

I guess it was in my second year of college that I first noticed
that I had a problem.
Up until then I'd felt pretty normal.
Weekends consisted of getting steaming drunk, puking, falling over,
fighting and waking up in a cell.
Life was good...

All of a sudden I started to feel that boozing just wasn't enough,
that I needed something stronger.

At first it wasn't that big a deal, I'd go sober the odd weekend.
I'd pretend to be sick or busy with work,
and nobody suspected what I was up to.

Soon, that wasn't enough.
I'd spend a month at a time sober.
People were starting to suspect, this is when the lies started.
Friends in college would ask "what's wrong with you, you never drink".
"Oh", I'd say, "sure I'm always on the lash
when I go home at the weekends".
Then when I'd go home, I'd tell my friends that I'd been
"on the lash all week in college".

To be honest, the signs were all there if friends and family
had bothered to look.
My bank balance kept going up.
I looked alot fitter and healthier.
I was passing all my exams in college
and worst of all, I hadn't had gotten in trouble in months,
not so much as an arrest for drunk and disorderly.

At family fuctions I'd make my excuses and slip away early, to be sober.
Relatives would ask my mother, "where's Armin"?
She'd ashamedly look at the floor and reply
"Armin's,,, gone home, he's not drinking,
it's just a phase he's going through, he'll get over it".
"But why?", they'd reply, "is he ill", "what's the matter with him?",
they'd ask as she'd break down in tears.

Months turned into years...
At this point I was completely out of control.
I was entering marathons, I'd gone out and bought a new car,
I'd even started waking up beside good looking women.
Worse was to come.
One morning I woke up to discover.....I,,,I'd gotten a mortgage and now owned a house.

Yeah, this sober lifestyle had completely taken me over,
there was no telling where it would end.

Things were really starting to degenerate.
By now I'd built up a web of lies to hide my problem from my friends.
On the surface I was going out to Niteclubs
and drinking but I hid a shocking truth.
Every chance I got I'd sneak off to the toilets and lock myself into
a cubicle.
Then, to satisfy my habit I'd flush the drink down the toilet.

I'd gotten sloppy though and one time I didn't lock the door properly.
My friend opened it and caught me there,
with the drink over the bowl - mid pour.
The look of shock on his face said it all.
He just shook his head in disgust, called me a 'drink dodger'
and walked off.
I shamefully walked back out to my friends,
they were all stood there looking at me accusingly.
Apparantly they'd assumed that the reason for my
frequent trips to the toilets was some harmless cocaine problem,
they had no idea how low I'd really sunk though.

I knew then that it was time to do something about my problem.
I marched straight up to that bar and ordered Vodka after Vodka,
downing them all in one go.
In the following weeks I started to reclaim my life and restore some normality.

The weekends passed by in drunken blurs.
Once again I'd wake up with zero recollection of the night before.
I resumed missing Mondays at work.
Got that bank balance back into a healty overdrawn position.
After a few months I'd even gotten my old red face and gut back.
Times were good.

I'm still stuck with the house though, but I'm working on it.
Norm, the accountant who drinks at my local,
has advised me that now is a great time to sell,
so I'm going to get rid of it as soon as possible.
I mean, who needs a mortgage to be worrying about
when you're out on the lash with the lads?

I guess I'm just lucky that I got my act together when I still had a chance.
From time to time I still get the old urges though.
Those inexplixable hankerings for money, dignity and health.

Don't worry, those mistakes are in the past.
I'll never go down the shameful road of Sobriety again.

I hope my story can be an inspiration, to anyone else out there
who's gotten lured into a life of Sobriety.

prinz

Minxie123 wrote: »

I read this on AH and thought it was a pretty humorous way of looking at it. Good on you for stopping drinking (remember, you're not 'giving it up'), Alan Carr will tell you that

Thanks for that :pac: brightened up my morning no end. I think I'm on the slippery slope to soberoholism.

Communicator

That's just brillian minxie!

Brightened up my day no end too!

"But for many drinkers, myself included, alcohol is not an addiction; I can go out, get pleasantly drunk, and then not touch a drop for a month. For you, it's different, obviously;"

Have to disagree with that one. Becaus the very fact that you or I, or the majority of people drink at all, means it has to be addictive. Why oh why would we (I'm speaking from personal experience here) drink till we can't remember and spend the next day vomiting, only to do it all over again the following weekend??? Because it's addictive, that's why. The first drink makes you want more, which mean it's addictive.

LegacyUser

Hi Communicator!

I am a serial drink giver upper. I saw your thread last week and now this one!

I will just say to you, be careful about being too open about givng up the drink. I am not kidding.
If you keep going on and on about it people will ridicule you should the inevitable happen and you go back on it.

Whether you do or not, just be on the safe side and be descreet and dont make a big deal about having given up. Remember you were in denial last week, just because your friends are still this week dont comment on it! They are only doing what you once did, so dont be lording it over them, for your own sake!

Right now its all a novelty and you are seeing the world through the other eyes of a non drinker. You cant stop talking about it and you feel you will NEVER go back to your old ways. And maybe you wont, I hope not!

But then again you might, so dont make a big spoon of yourself by being too loud and smug!!! Just quietly get on with it if you take my advice!

beth-lou

Communicator wrote: »

That's just brillian minxie!

Brightened up my day no end too!

"But for many drinkers, myself included, alcohol is not an addiction; I can go out, get pleasantly drunk, and then not touch a drop for a month. For you, it's different, obviously;"

Have to disagree with that one. Becaus the very fact that you or I, or the majority of people drink at all, means it has to be addictive. Why oh why would we (I'm speaking from personal experience here) drink till we can't remember and spend the next day vomiting, only to do it all over again the following weekend??? Because it's addictive, that's why. The first drink makes you want more, which mean it's addictive.

It can be addictive for some, and not for others. Addiction isn't getting drunk the odd night or even once a week. Addiction is a reliance on a substance. Lots of people enjoy a drink and have no addiction to it and never will. Some like you, crave a drink and that's a different kettle of fish altogether. Alcohol can be addictive for some, but for a lot it's not. Addiction is much more than getting drunk occasionally.

Communicator

"so dont make a big spoon of yourself by being too loud and smug!!!"

Exactly the attitude I was talking about. - I've told 3 people. 3 people. I'm far from being loud and smug about it. And I'm far from saying 'Ive been cured'.

I'm just asking why I'm not getting the same or similar support from the THREE people I've told than someone who had given up smokes.

Communicator

Ok beth-lou, point taken.

I still feel though that by its very nature, drink is addictive, the more you have, the more you want, for the majority of people.

Look, I'm far from trying to laud it over anyone here - I'm the first to put my hands up and say I have a problem that I'm trying to sort. I know from experience, that there is nothing worse than an ex-smoker who frowns on people who now smoke and I'm sure the same is true of an ex-drinker. Except (unfortunately) I don't know any ex-drinkers. I'm not sure that there's a time-frame for when you 'become' an ex-drinker, as opposed to just someone who's not drinking today and doesn't plan to drink tomorrow.

But I was genuinely amazed that due to the drink culture, nobody really thought it was a good thing. They thought I'd 'get over it'.

I think it's wonderful that people stop smoking - I really do. I've never smoked myself but I've seen the damage that it did to my parents and continues to do to most of my family who still smoke - death and lung disease.

And I would like to think that people would think that I'm wonderful because I've stopped drinking. But so far, that's not the case.

username123

Hi OP,
First of all, well done for giving up the demon drink!!!

On attitudes, I have had similar experiences as posted here. In my mid 20s I had a few wild years of binge drinking, then decided to give up for a year (alcoholism in the family blah blah blah...).
I lost a number of 'friends' when I quit. They werent real friends, just people who viewed me as a drinking buddy. No great loss actually. But at the time it was hard. And the same people were the loudest in their condemnation, 'ah come on for gods sake, just have a few drinks, enjoy the night out, dont be a boring old bint....', etc....
Even if you say you are driving Irish people will try to push 'a small one' on you. And forget about medications - 'ah youll be grand'!!
I personally found it easier to just take it on the chin, 'No, Im off the drink'. To the whys and how comes I just said 'Because I feel like it'.

What happened with me was that people got used to it after a few weeks then I became the elusive 'designated driver' and I had a whole heap of new buddies who wanted a lift home

Anyway I did stay off it for a year, and it was a great year, no hangovers, saved a fortune, and most important - proved to myself that I could do it AND have a good time regardless.

Since then (around 7 years ago now I think), I never had the same attitude to alcohol. I rarely drink, maybe a bottle of wine in a month, maybe drunk twice a year. Ive actually found that I dont really like the taste of it that much (never really did but who cares when youre partying in your 20s and pouring it in fast eh?), and I dont really like being drunk!!!

I dont feel like I want another one if I have one drink, Id go to the theatre and have a glass before the show and one at the interval and then Id be done - wouldnt actually want any more. Thats the difference between me and someone who could develop a problem I think. I actually get sick of it very quickly.

No one is going to think youre great for giving up the drink, and a number of people will think youre boring or no 'craic'. Its the culture!!!

But then you will find yourself drifting to the people who have the same attitudes as you and you wont even be noticed as a non drinker.

Anytime you want a pat on the back think of where you could be if you hadnt stopped.

Malari

Communicator wrote: »

And I would like to think that people would think that I'm wonderful because I've stopped drinking. But so far, that's not the case.

I think in order for people to think this about you they have to understand the nature of your addiction and how it has affected your life. Of course it's admirable, but people are not going to think it's necessarily such a good thing unless you explain it to them. And of course it's a difficult and personal thing to talk about, so some people will maybe never think how wonderful you are.

When people tell me they give up cigarettes, it's great because every cigarette is a health risk. For most people who drink alcohol in moderation it is not damaging. Anything is excess is bad for you of course, but when people say they are giving up chocolate for lent, or life for that matter, I think "so what?" If they explained that they were diabetic and their health depended on it I'd think "that's admirable and probably quite difficult".

Phoenix_Rising

To be honest, there are loads of people around me that dont know yet that i no longer drink. I feel that i will tell people in my own time, but i was forwarned at the start not to tell too many people immediately that i had stopped drinking as i wouldnt always get a positive response.

I use the "im driving" excuse all the time. Im sure that friends of mine must think i am the laziest person in the world as i am always "driving" when i meet with them.

My OH is very good about this, he tells me that others have no right to question why i am or am not drinking and feck them if they have a problem with it.

Given my age though, most people just presume i am expecting!!

Morag

Learn to value your soberity, that way you make better choices.
IF other people don't get it sod them if it works for you.

antiskeptic

Communicator wrote: »

So here's the thing - I've mentioned to some people that 'I'm off the drink' or that 'I didn't have a drink last nite' and their attitude has astounded me. I'm likening my habit with drink to that of a heaver smoker - it's a drug, bottom line, and I'd become addicted to the drug.

I remember Allen Carr dealing with that in his smoking book (re: attitude of other smokers). Smokers know in their heart of hearts that they are mugs, that they're in the grip of something evil and when someone leaves the sinking ship it kind of stabs at the heart of a smoker. So when the willpower-driven smoker is out at a party with his smoking mates and his jaded willpower is punctured completely by the couple of pints he's had and he asks for "just a drag" his mates don't rally around and flatly resist his request.

Instead they welcome him back into the fold. Without fuss, or protest. Just silently..

A lot of people know they have a problem with drink. To acknowledge you they have to acknowledge themselves.

So why oh why if a smoker gives up cigarettes, do they get support and encouragement and are told they're doing great and well done etc.

They don't get this support off smokers. They get it off non smokers. Non-smokers have been as conditioned as smokers to believe that quitting smoking is a huge mountain to be climbed and so they encourage as they do.

I'm sure Allen Carr will go into this when you get into the book.

fabbydabby

Hi Communicator.

I read your other thread and I am in much the same boat myself, though my vice was beer of all kinds.

After a good 2 years of being pissed out of my brains every single weekend coupled with having one or two (or more) 'to take the edge off' most weekdays evenings, I decided after a 5 day drinking binge that the horrible anxiety and depression was too much. It really tested my sanity and I decided I'd had enough.

I haven't 'given up' entirely but I only drink at weekends now and only have one or two drinks. I have started going back to the gym too and eating properly and I have to say that I feel *GREAT*.

I can get up in the mornings
I am no longer irritable and cranky
My Anxiety is dissipating fast
I feel supple and flexiable (from the exercise)
I don't hate work for the first half of the week
I can concentrate for more than 5 minutes
My mood overall has improved

I hope that you gain some or all of these benefits too. And for the record I used to smoke and I didn't notice as much a difference in my well being when I gave up the fags as I do now that I am all but off the sauce.

Re: Non drinking friends. I find it easier to just buy soda and lime and pretend you are drinking vodka or non alcoholic beer or else jangle your car keys at them. Irish people get OFFENDED if you tell them that you don't drink anymore. i get all withdrawen into myuself when I drink anyway so I'm better craic when sober so my mates don't mind.

Sorry for the essay!

LegacyUser

I gave it up 13 months ago totally. I had stopped enjoying it.

The resistance from friends was huge and lots didnt find the new me acceptable.

Thems the breaks - you cant make an omellette and I have a different set of friends now.

jimmyskank

Giving up booze has indeed many pros, no hangovers, not wasting as much money, no drunk texting:P, and actually being up and about before 1 o'clock on the weekends........BUT........ the benefits mentioned dont outweight the craic you have on a sesh, people who drink have more fun FACT!!:eek:

LegacyUser

jimmyskank wrote: »

.......BUT........ the benefits mentioned dont outweight the craic you have on a sesh, people who drink have more fun FACT!!:eek:

This is the typical ignorant Irish attitude you will encounter along the way, OP. Don't believe it and certainly don't let it get you down.

Don't confuse not drinking with not having fun. "I don't drink because I like to know when I'm enjoying myself" is a quote I heard recently on boards "Non drinkers group". This should be your next port of call, OP. Traffic isn't high but there are people there who don't drink for all kinds of reasons.

LegacyUser

the benefits mentioned dont outweight the craic you have on a sesh, people who drink have more fun FACT!!

I have to disagree with you there I'm afraid. Drink does not agree with a lot of people and while I personally would have more fun if I was wasted, I had to choose between 3/4 hours feeling fantastic on a night out followed by a week of misery, Vs a pretty good night without booze and all week feeling good too. The benefits outweigh the disadvantages by far.

The only reason many people have a need to get trashed is because everyone else is doing it. Imagine a culture where getting wasted is frowned on!

LegacyUser

Stay strong. Ireland is besotted with alcohol, it's an obsession that's sickening.

Be your own man and live your own life.

username123

jimmyskank wrote: »

Giving up booze has indeed many pros, no hangovers, not wasting as much money, no drunk texting:P, and actually being up and about before 1 o'clock on the weekends........BUT........ the benefits mentioned dont outweight the craic you have on a sesh, people who drink have more fun FACT!!:eek:

This post is a perfect illustration of the lower intelligence levels of people who think that a 'sesh' is the be all and end all of life.

Oh the craic of a 'sesh', those hours where everything is a swirling mess, the big red face on you when you shout your head off and think that everyone around you finds you hilariously funny, the confidence that allows you to approach a member of the opposite sex who is GORGEOUS not realising that the beer gogles have taken over and you are actually approaching the ugliest person in the club, the possibility of vomiting, will i, wont i, oh no - im grand, think ill have a kebab - cos a kebab at 4am is just what every healthy body needs right?

The next morning, you peel your face off the pillow where its stuck with a combination of make up and saliva, hope that warm body next to you is just the dog and open your aching eyes to realise that you have a pounding head, cotton mouth, youre feeling sick, you check your mobile with a sinking feeling when you realise that you texted your ex 3 times at 5am - oh hang on, you phoned repeatedly too. Whats that bruise from? Oh yeah, you fell over getting out of the taxi and cracked your head off the side of it.

Check the computer and lord above youve been tagged in Facebook and in the pics you have the glassy eyed stare of intoxication and your jaw hangs agape a little making you look like the village idiot - so thats how attractive you look drunk eh?

The craving for junk, a fry, a bag of crisps, a curry, a pizza, who cares, so long as its salty and full of preservatives itll do.
The agony of getting through the day, useless to yourself and anyone else, just waiting for another nights sleep to take away the horrible hangover.....

Yeah - nothing like a good 'sesh'.

Nevyn

username123 do not make statement which personally abuse other posters.

username123

Thats why I phrased it "This post is a perfect....".

Did not intend to abuse the poster, just the post.

LegacyUser

antiskeptic wrote: »

I remember Allen Carr dealing with that in his smoking book (re: attitude of other smokers). Smokers know in their heart of hearts that they are mugs, that they're in the grip of something evil and when someone leaves the sinking ship it kind of stabs at the heart of a smoker.
A lot of people know they have a problem with drink. To acknowledge you they have to acknowledge themselves.

Thank you, that's exactly what I wanted to post.

Fact is, lots of people haven't the confidence to attempt a night out without drinking. So they project their insecurity on to YOU when you're off the sauce.
They envy your ability to take it or leave it, that's all there is to it.
I've come up against it lots of times myself. Strangely it's never me who's drawn attention to the fact that I'm not drinking, it's the wobbling leery pisshead who passes remarks on what's in my glass.

When I quit smoking I was astounded at the reaction from smoking friends. They were almost willing me to fail so I could reinforce the (false) idea that it's impossibly hard.
Smokers do not like to see someone else achieve something they are afraid to attempt.