Please help me someone. I'm crying out for advice!!

LegacyUser

hi, im 26year old male and was in a relationship with the most gorgeous girl for 5.5 years and we decided to go on a break nearly 9 weeks ago. she is the most honest girl i have ever met in my life and is def my best friend and yes i did and still so love her to bits.im a son to her mother and a brother to her sister in their eyes.we had plenty of good times and also bad. she has been up studying in dublin for the past 5 months and has seen what true uni life is like and has met new friends and has had great nights out up there.one evening she was lying on her bed sobbing and eventually he told me she has started getting itchy feet in dublin as there was alot of guys trying to be with her on recent nights out and she was feeling guilty.no she didnt cheat on me!!also, her best friend was heading off to oz in jan and she was quite emotional at loosing her for a year and when she went to her send off party she met her best friends cousin who is absolutely mad about her and was flirtin with her all nite on the dance floor etc. i am a jealous guy and can be very paranoid and non trusting so i recently have learnt to control it and change. we were both invited back to her friend house for a sing song session after the nite club but as i have training early the next morn i decided not to go and as i trusted her i told her to go ahead and enjoy herself.
3 day later we were in bed and she recieved a text from the very plebe at the party commenting on that she has the best ass he has ever seen etc and i didnt react badlya t all but just passed it off lightly.3 days later we were having our itchy feet conversation and i put 1&1 together so i just decided that we should go on a break to find our true feeling for one another and see if we are right for each other before we take our relationship to the next level.she cried and did not want it but agreed after 3 hours talking it might be best.

anyways, i found out that she was constantly texting the same dude for weeks after and this absolutely killed me as i feared that she wud be with him altho he now lives in the uk. she has only had myself as a sexual partner and after a heated row a few weeks into the break over something stupid she said that she only has has me as a partner and this only made me more messed up thinking about what she may be doing or planning to do in the near future with this guy if he comes home again or with other guys. things got nasty and flipped 180 overnight and she said she cud not see us getting back together or live with my paranioa or jealously etc. but i have completely changed and was only concerned about her and her safety and hated to think or to see something bad happen to her or see some other prick hurt her etc.

i have always been there for her and her family and she knows how much i love her. she always said i put myself and my busy lifestyle first but i always put her first. were back talking again as i sent her a card for the exams and put in a few little thing into the card for her that i wud of given her for her exams down through the years and she was chuffed that i remembered them.

anyway i still know that she is texting this lad and it is killling me. i have some good days but most are tortureous and the time apart from her is killing me. she has finished her exams and is starting her apprenticeship on tuesday so will be moving home. advice ive been given is to stop texting her but i just worry about her all day every day and u cant just drop what we had after that lenght of time.....**** me ive just seen that i have written an essay so far but hope u enjoyed reading my problem and id appreciate any comments that wud be of help to me. im completely messed up in the head and its having a massive toll on my job, my health and my lifestyle. i did talk to her tru text and she just wants time to see if im the one for her or not...she said the next time were back together she intends it to be forever and forever is a long tome so she need to be sure...thats fine but what im concerned about is how will i feel if i known that she has been with someone or slept with someone??i have been out every weekend drowing my sorrows all around the country and have absolutey no interest in being with anyone and yes i have been approached by some hotties to my amazement but i have lost my MOJO and i just want to be with her as i know every square millimeter of her body and life and visa versa and its just so f**king hard to let go something that should of been so sure. she was the one who kept saying about our future and marraige and buy a house together but now since on a break i feel its all down the drain. she wanted to get independance from this as she was totally dependant on me....now im the one that seems to be ****ed up more as in the past i was never cut up eeven if we rowed for a few days etc.

please somebody help me as i dont have a clue what to do with myself and feel everyday im getting worse and worse and dont know what il do!

Thanks and sorry for the length of this!

Mr. Incognito

hmmm

kind of a tough one.

you were the one that initated the break up when she didn't want to to test her.

to be honest, if she didn't want to break up what the fcuk are you doing pushing her away.

This girl just wants some reassurance i reckon. probably feels hurt and rejected.

anyway, people change and college life is going to change her outlook on things, you can either come be a part of that or not but you cannot "make someone" love you or bring the past into the present.

you need to lay your cards on the table with this girl and have a full frank honest conversation without you supposing what she wants or putting two and two together and making ten.

talk to her, write her a letter. whatever works for you but tell her how you feel NOW before those texts become something more with this other guy

karen3212

Tell her how you feel.

Because you have both been in a relationship quite young, if she needs to explore let her - you can't stop that anyway.

Have you both decided how long the break-up should last? Perhaps set a date by which time you will decide to make it permanent, together or not.

LegacyUser

You had a good 5 years, you learnt alot about yourself but its time to move on. Change makes people nervous and scared but embrace it, its time to look for greener pastures, Good luck

LegacyUser

OP make a big gesture for her..............do something romantic.............show her how you truly feel. You've layed ur heart out for us here so lay it out for her. If she doesnt like it than at least you can truly no. Sometimes though a girl needs to feel like she's a princess and the only girl in the world. If this fails at least you know you tried;)

puglover

OP this mightn't be what you want to hear but I think you need to let her go. She is young, she has realised what she is missing out on being tied down at such a young age and wants to experience other things. If you push this now & you stay together she might always regret the things she's missed out on and may end up resenting you in years to come.

If it's meant to be she might come back to you in a few years or you may both move on and meet other people. Either way, it will be ahrd for a while but you'll get over it. It's just part of life and growing up.

partyguinness

I have seen this a few times before unfortunately.:(

Young sweet heart couple from rural town..

One goes off to college (usually the girl as the boy is a local carpenter/plumber etc) in the big smoke..they get engaged and promise to marry when the course is finished in 3/4 years time...

Girl is in college..gets sick of travelling home...sees new exciting life/people/places/opportunities...the old b/f back home now becomes a drag and a symbol of her old life...interest gone

They break up and move on with their lifes.

cantdecide

I think you've done the right thing despite it having the wrong effect. Make yourself kiss one of those hotties (or give them my number:D). Get back on the horse. There is a side to this where you get to move on and it isn't necessarily a bad thing but ultimately, <cliche alert 5> If you love her set her free...

LegacyUser

You ditched her! Get over it and move on mate. This happens all the time. Go out and enjoy yourself.......plenty more fish in the sea.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

You ditched her!

He did in his bollocks. He gave her some space. When your girlfriend comes up to you and says "I feel like im missing out on the college life", what goes through you head? He did a nice thing and was considering her feelings but sadly, it backfired.

OP, i would just call it quits. From what i can see, she wanted to break up hence why she's telling you she felt like she was missing out but didn't have the balls to do it properly. She couldn't deal with the guilt so you being a considerate person gave her some space which she wants to be permanent. Look at it this way, id she wanted to stay together she wouldn't have told you she felt like she was missing out.

I agree with those that said stop the texts. And I'd just cut myself away from her completely. Delete the Bebo or facebook, dump the photographs in the fire, get rid of the phone number and ignore any of her attempts to contact you. If she persists, tell her to bugger off and leave you alone. It speeds the whole healing process up drastically and in time you realise that you don't actually need her. Regardless of how you feel now deep down you know that this is the truth. And not having any communication and things to remind you of her will help keep your own head clear as well.

Another thing I REALLY advice against is trying to be friends. She might suggest this to you (women often do) and it's a really terrible idea. Remember, you are the one getting dumped here regardless of who instigated the break so you'll have the hart time of getting over her. If she demands an explanation to that (she might, remember how she didn't want to be the bad guy), ask her simply which one of you has been going out and getting with other people and which one has been living at the bottom of a bottle for the last while? Pretty clear answer there.

So there you have it, my (very harsh i admit) 2c. I wouldn't be bothering with any large gestures or hanging on in hope. She's made her decision but she didn't have the balls to tell you. This isn't the first time this has happened to someone and it certainly won't be the last. I wish you good luck and look after yourself for a while

curleyheadboy

im the OP: im new to this so just set up a username now as curleyhairboy!

Thanks for all the replies everyone....some replies and advice makes sense and some i disagree but thanks everyone anyway and its amazing when you talk(or in this case type) to someone how easier it is to comprehend your own situation and see that your not the only one on the screwed up in a relationship boat!!i do never ever open up on my feelings and am very personal so this is a massive step for me!!

I know ive only given ye so much info here and alot of it sounds bad on her behalf and also from mine but ive been with (as in kissed) a few girls before and she has been with a few lads before me but this is her first real relationship and she and I both loved it.this break up has shocked the town and relations, friends and families and her friends are my friends and visa versa so it not that easy to just forget all and quit contact just like that....

i did get very drunk 3 weekends ago and create a scene in a niteclub when one of the lads who she was with before (whom i do not trust at all as he tried to kiss her after a nite club a year ago while he had a gf) tried it on with her in front of me & when i reacted badly after seen red, it did upset her and my actions brought up the whole jealously and not trusting her arguement which ended in her saying we were finished after my episode!

after the dust settled, i text her for her exams and she text me back with the odd x at the end of the messages so as u can imagine i was back smiling again and hopeful!

her mother also was chatting my mam and she said that she cud see us back together in the future but that she needs time to find her true feelings etc before she makes any decision....this has me left feeling more messed up and any more time away from her is killing me....i have tried to quit contact but there is always something that i will see that wil remind me of her or someone will ask me something about her and i'll text her with the news etc which i accept is not helpful at all.

as for the hilarious comment from partyguinness its not like that; i have been to Oz playing for aussie rules for 6 weeks and also lived in the uk studying for 2 years and on both occasions she was not with me so its not like as u described but good laugh all the same!!

if i try to talk to her at the moment about how she is feeling, it may not be the right time and things cud turn into a heated arguement and i cud destroy anything or everything or chance so what next to do is the question??

thanks again and if ye can advice what ye think i should do then i'll be clearer on my next move!....it easier to have an opinion on what someone should do rather than what u wud do in the same situation!

towel401

partyguinness wrote: »

Girl is in college..gets sick of travelling home...sees new exciting life/people/places/opportunities...the old b/f back home now becomes a drag and a symbol of her old life...interest gone

They break up and move on with their lifes.

you don't have to be the girl's bf for that to happen too. they seem to ditch regular friends for the same reason.

and 'exciting life' or anything else of the sort is basically a euphemism for 'shag a load of randomers while drunk'. whatever floats their boat i guess

Queen-Mise

OP very short and sweet, I read your post but not all the replies. There is obviously something special in your relationship - 5 years is a long time, hopefully it will work out.

The one thing that did strike out at me was the paranoia that was said to you. You said towards the end of the post... what if she was with someone else/texted/kissed/shagged - whatever.
That is the paranoia - do you trust her or not? That obsessing destroys the mind and all that is good in a relationship. if you do get back together and all is ok - you do not want those fears in the back of your head.

I would have a chat with someone trusted close to you about that. Try and be the best boyfriend you can be.



PS: Why wouldn't you attract hotties, you seem like a nice lad.

coco85

Hi OP...

I was in this situation myself..when i went away to college it was very different for my boyfriend and I.

After a few months in college he broke up with me...

During our 12 month break up- lets just say i got around. I was so so lonely i missed him terribly, but burried my feelings in nights out/getting drunk and being with other men. I tried to find the same love i had with him with other men but nothing would fill the gap.

So ya your girlfriend might be txting other men, getting attention from other men.. but when i was in that situation (even before we broke up) i just enjoyed getting the male attention as had been with by boyfriend for a few years by the time i went to college...I would never have cheated and never did.. but when he broke up with me...just like you broke up with her i let my hair down and well had what was fun-ish at the time, and i don't regret it.

A year later we got back together, our breakup was the best thing that ever happened us-we both cherish our relationship more now then ever before.

Sometimes a breakup is what a relationship needs for us to realise what we are missing.

SarahSassy

You need to calm yourself. If an ex / boyfriend of mine went for another fella in a night club because of his paranoia (or for any reason tbh) I would move on and never look back.

How dare you assault her friends no matter what the history is between them. Maybe he feels the same way about her as you do since your breakup.

At the end of the day, she could be telling her mother anything to keep the peace. Take her at her word, move on and stay away from the booze cos you cant handle it.

curleyheadboy

coco85 wrote: »

Hi OP...

I was in this situation myself..when i went away to college it was very different for my boyfriend and I.

After a few months in college he broke up with me...

During our 12 month break up- lets just say i got around. I was so so lonely i missed him terribly, but burried my feelings in nights out/getting drunk and being with other men. I tried to find the same love i had with him with other men but nothing would fill the gap.

So ya your girlfriend might be txting other men, getting attention from other men.. but when i was in that situation (even before we broke up) i just enjoyed getting the male attention as had been with by boyfriend for a few years by the time i went to college...I would never have cheated and never did.. but when he broke up with me...just like you broke up with her i let my hair down and well had what was fun-ish at the time, and i don't regret it.

A year later we got back together, our breakup was the best thing that ever happened us-we both cherish our relationship more now then ever before.

Sometimes a breakup is what a relationship needs for us to realise what we are missing.

Thanks coco85 for your reply...its good to hear from someone that actually can relate to what im going through and i appreciate your comments