Will i look totally desperate??

Mixedup

I've posted about this problem before but im just wondering..my boyfriend says he doesnt like going out/clubbing etc.. he's rather stay at home and drink with his family etc.. fair enough but i love to go out, i'd be out in nightclubs 4 nights a week before we were together.

He doesnt compromise on this, i was out two nights last weekend for example, invited him, begged him to come but he wasnt interested. Most weekends i end up staying in with him but i'd had enough so i went. He casually said tonight however, 'by the way i'm going out on friday night with a few people from work' (into the city centre going out,not quiet local!). I'm so annoyed that he didnt even THINK to invite me, i invite him to everything, and obviously if it was an organised staff event for his work i'd never want to go but if its only a few of them??

He never goes out, and i'd love to be out with him, dancing or whatever but he just isnt interested, but now he is going out (funny how he wants to go out with other people) and not even a hint of an invite!

I cant just invite myself along or can i??

Mr. Frost

Mixedup wrote: »

I've posted about this problem before but im just wondering..my boyfriend says he doesnt like going out/clubbing etc.. he's rather stay at home and drink with his family etc.. fair enough but i love to go out, i'd be out in nightclubs 4 nights a week before we were together.

He doesnt compromise on this, i was out two nights last weekend for example, invited him, begged him to come but he wasnt interested. Most weekends i end up staying in with him but i'd had enough so i went. He casually said tonight however, 'by the way i'm going out on friday night with a few people from work' (into the city centre going out,not quiet local!). I'm so annoyed that he didnt even THINK to invite me, i invite him to everything, and obviously if it was an organised staff event for his work i'd never want to go but if its only a few of them??

He never goes out, and i'd love to be out with him, dancing or whatever but he just isnt interested, but now he is going out (funny how he wants to go out with other people) and not even a hint of an invite!

I cant just invite myself along or can i??

What would be the point? There's obviously a problem here that you need to talk to him about. He seems unbelievably selfish. I love going out with my girlfriends and include them in everything. It's strange. Talk to him!

Mixedup

thanks,

we spoke about it last week after the weekend and his argument was that he was never going to be one of those guys who enjoyed going out and night clubs, he'd rather a quiet night in the local or in his house with a few drinks.

He said that he felt like he was holding me back in that regard but i should know that that was how he felt in case i'd be trying to change him and come to resent him..i said fair enough but i'd appreciate you coming the odd time.

What i dont understand is why he is so quick to agree to go out with his workmates and why doesnt he want me to come? it would be like my workmates offering me tickets to a football match i have no interest in where his favourite team were playing, yet i go instead!am i over reacting??

Bottle_of_Smoke

can understand your annoyance. He might just hate the whole being an outsider to your mates. He gets to see you at home but his workmates are going out which is unique.

Tell him it upsets you he wont go out but dont barge in on his work night out. I find work things and girlfriends are a horrible mix

LegacyUser

No I don't think you are overeacting at all. I am in the exact same position my boyf hates going to clubs and prefers to sit in a nice local pub or go to a gig, he hates the music in clubs etc. I have just come to accept this but however he does come out to clubs with me sometimes, like if we were out in a pub or something and we had gone to the pub late and it was last orders and we still wanted to booze we'd head onto a club or sometimes he will come and meet me and my friends in a club later on in the night so as not to be there for the whole night.

Basically if he loves you enough he should be willing to compromise, that's what relationships are all about and he should be coming with you the odd time, plenty of partners hate doing stuff the other one likes but you have to learn to compromise, its only fair.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't invite yourself to the work night, tbh and I don't mean to sound harsh but he clearly doesn't want you there or else he would have invited you. IME work nights and relationships shouldn't be mixed, I know anytime I go out with work mates who bring partners it just looks sad to be honest. Work night's out are a rare thing and you don't want your partner there looking after them making sure they are ok and chatting to people. You want to have fun!

I would just talk to him and let him know how you feel, but personally I would not invite myself along to a night out when it's blatant I am not wanted.

bangersandmash

Mixedup wrote: »

He doesnt compromise on this, i was out two nights last weekend for example, invited him, begged him to come but he wasnt interested. Most weekends i end up staying in with him but i'd had enough so i went. He casually said tonight however, 'by the way i'm going out on friday night with a few people from work' (into the city centre going out,not quiet local!).

Just playing devil's advocate here but going to the city centre doesn't necessarily mean clubbing. There are plenty of quiet local-style pubs there too. Maybe he's just meeting them there because it's convenient for people who commute from different areas? Maybe he just feels obliged to go because it's a work night and it would be a bad idea not to show his face? Or as Bottle_of_Smoke says maybe he just feels more relaxed around his friends than he does around yours? Honestly you won't know his real reasons without having an honest conversation with him.

Mr. Frost

Mixedup wrote: »

thanks,

we spoke about it last week after the weekend and his argument was that he was never going to be one of those guys who enjoyed going out and night clubs, he'd rather a quiet night in the local or in his house with a few drinks.

He said that he felt like he was holding me back in that regard but i should know that that was how he felt in case i'd be trying to change him and come to resent him..i said fair enough but i'd appreciate you coming the odd time.

What i dont understand is why he is so quick to agree to go out with his workmates and why doesnt he want me to come? it would be like my workmates offering me tickets to a football match i have no interest in where his favourite team were playing, yet i go instead!am i over reacting??

No I don't think you're overreacting. Even if he doesn't like to go out as he proclaims, given you're in a relationship with him and he knows it's something you like to do, there should be a compromise. Even once a month won't kill him! You should ask him why he's so quick to agree to go with workmates. It is a bit strange I'm afraid. I'm not going to speculate but, I wouldn't be thinking favorably of his motives given he refuses to go out with you.

Mixedup

yeah i guess you're right..it's not like i want to intrude on a work night out, but he said two of the girls he works with were texting asking if he'd be into a night out, so i was waiting for the invite..and when i said oh cool will you be going into town? he said yeah but still didnt bite..i guess its just the way he is, but it'd be nice to be invited ya know. He invites me to EVERY family event to the point where i'd feel obligated to go, but never stuff like this. I guess we're just not singing off the same hymn sheet..

Joey the lips

Your getting all the opinions above so you have plenty of options

But just bear something in mind. He might be going out with his job because its his job and he does not want to seem unsociable in work.

Just because he did not invite you does not mean he does not love you

I never bring my wife to work functions or get togethers generally

The always sitting in is a problem

Tell him you sit in one weekend you go out the next. Tell him that he is wasteing away his time and one day he will have a house, bill, kids etc and he wont be able to go out

cantdecide

I'm a lot like your BF in the clubs issue and my biggest problem is going out and having to have someone babysit me. It sounds lame right? I don't like to dance and I know I hold others back when they want to have a few drinks and cut a rug.

He should definitely compromise by going out but maybe you should compromise by going to place he dislikes the least, where the music is a little more easy going and maybe head off before the 2 am rush.

Just because he doesn't like clubbing doesn't mean he is anti-social. Of course he needs to compromise but maybe that doesn't mean submitting entirely to the lifestyle. In other words make it easier for him to compromise.

I would just leave the work thing go btw. Just because it's your idea of fun doesn't mean he's going to enjoy it. He might end up trying to bugger off at closing time...

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Basically if he loves you enough he should be willing to compromise, that's what relationships are all about and he should be coming with you the odd time, plenty of partners hate doing stuff the other one likes but you have to learn to compromise, its only fair.

That's such a cop-out. It works both ways - if she loved him enough she'd learn to compromise too.

Mixedup wrote: »

He doesnt compromise on this, i was out two nights last weekend for example, invited him, begged him to come but he wasnt interested.

How is him not going stopping you going? That seems a bit silly. If you want to go out, go out. Then, if he wants to spend time with you the same night you want to go out, he has to go with you - that's only fair.

But likewise, if you want to spend time with him, you have to compromise as well. He doesn't like going out, why force him? I would have zero interest in FORCING my partner to do something I know he wouldn't enjoy.

Unregistered wrote: »

He casually said tonight however, 'by the way i'm going out on friday night with a few people from work' (into the city centre going out,not quiet local!). I'm so annoyed that he didnt even THINK to invite me, i invite him to everything, and obviously if it was an organised staff event for his work i'd never want to go but if its only a few of them??

'From work' being the operative phrase. I wouldn't inflict my work colleagues on my bf or friends, it's bad enough that I have to socialise with them myself.

Perhaps he thinks you wouldn't enjoy the night so hasn't asked you to come with him? And perhaps you should consider extending him the same courtesy? Again, I just don't see why you'd want to make him do something he doesn't enjoy. It would just suck the fun out of a night out for me if I knew my bf would rather be somewhere else.

MagicMarker

Just because he's going out doesn't mean he's going out dancing and it doesn't mean he's going to a nightclub.

It sounds like you go out specifically to dance, so wtf would he want to go with you for? And more importantly, why do you keep asking him to do something he obviously doesn't like?

I think you should get over it tbh.

Oh The Humanity

Mixedup wrote: »

yeah i guess you're right..it's not like i want to intrude on a work night out, but he said two of the girls he works with were texting asking if he'd be into a night out, so i was waiting for the invite..and when i said oh cool will you be going into town? he said yeah but still didnt bite..i guess its just the way he is, but it'd be nice to be invited ya know. He invites me to EVERY family event to the point where i'd feel obligated to go, but never stuff like this. I guess we're just not singing off the same hymn sheet..

Dont make yourself so available, you could be smothering the fella....

He might just want some time to himself, let him on I say. Everyone needs to kick back and relax without their other half from time to time. This time let it go, he could just be trying to get a bit of breathing space.

One thing I advise you though, on those family occasions cut back on your attendance by half. You are not obliged to go to every family event with him.

Is that a pattern by the way? Where you have to attend all the boring family sh1t but when it comes to fun at the pub you dont get asked?
If so, cut back drastically on the boring stuff and suit yourself by going to every second pub night and see how that goes.

Dont always be available either, he might feel smothered. Go out on your club nights and enjoy your own time with your friends.

Let him do the same, but see that there are no "no go" areas in the deal either.

MadgeBadge

Maybe he figures if you have separate interests and friends, you'll have more to talk about and a healthier relationship. I used to hate when my ex invited himself along to all my nights out (ok their should be some sort of a compromise).

Mixedup

thanks so much for all the replies, i really appreciate it.


I'm not going to mention the work night at all, i dont want to seem like a cling on anyway, it guess its just that i feel im always slotted in at the same time as his family, as if he puts me in that category 'sure i can see her at home', and never wants to socialise with me or something, he'd never come out with me and my friends, hasn't met loads of them and we're together a year!

I think i'll just start going out more myself, and stop agreeing to spend nights in with his family EVERY bloody weekend..(my family are the opposite, we're more a christmas/weddings and funerals kinda bunch, at a push!)

anyway thanks for the advice, maybe i'll chat to him about it but try not to sound pushy, defo not gonna mention the work people.

Oh The Humanity

Mixedup wrote: »

it guess its just that i feel im always slotted in at the same time as his family, as if he puts me in that category 'sure i can see her at home', and never wants to socialise with me or something, he'd never come out with me and my friends, hasn't met loads of them and we're together a year!

I think i'll just start going out more myself, and stop agreeing to spend nights in with his family EVERY bloody weekend..(my family are the opposite, we're more a christmas/weddings and funerals kinda bunch, at a push!)

Good, dont be so available for his boring family stuff. If he wants to sit in with his family let him, you go out clubbing. Let him realise he needs to make an effort to see you and it has to be something that appeals to both of you not just a convenient night in with the outlaws!