How do you know when its over??

LegacyUser

Hi,

I posted here a few months ago about my bf deciding to move back to England. He decided this without any input from me at a time when we were about move into our own apartment together (rented). I was so hurt because I had given up the chance of a good perm job at home to be with in Dublin where I have only secured a job until June. At the time of that decision he also broke up with me first and then changed his mind. He has done this to me 3 times since we got together.

. I should be over all the crap that happened a few months ago but things aren't the same. I dont know if I feel the same about him anymore. This makes me so sad because we were together nearly 4 years and had talked about marriage and kids.

We both have a lot going on at home. My mum has a serious illness and something pretty bad happened in his family last week so even though we had planned seeing each other over the easter wkend I decided not to beacause of his family situation.

Sometimes I think I want to end it and I actually feel quite sure of the decision and then other times I can hardly breathe when I think that I'll never see him again or do any of the things we've planned. Is it normal to feel this way sometimes in a relationship? Or have we reached the end of the line? We've talked and talked over the last few months and there have been so many tears from both of us. I just wish I knew what to do

who007

Yeah it's normal. People don't actually mourn the loss of their past with someone but the future they had planned with them. They feel alone and scared that they will never get to make those plans with someone else and it won't feel the same. On the contrary, those plans can and usually do get made with someone else and it doesn't feel the same - because they have learned to expect better from their new partner so it actually feels better when they recognise they are with someone more deserving or compatible.
Yes it will hurt now but it has to be done and we've nearly all been there and had to do that at some point regardless of how old the relationship and it never gets easier. Sorry but it does sound like you have given more than taken. Whatever you choose to do I wish you luck.

Kirnsy

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,

I posted here a few months ago about my bf deciding to move back to England. He decided this without any input from me at a time when we were about move into our own apartment together (rented). I was so hurt because I had given up the chance of a good perm job at home to be with in Dublin where I have only secured a job until June. At the time of that decision he also broke up with me first and then changed his mind. He has done this to me 3 times since we got together.

. I should be over all the crap that happened a few months ago but things aren't the same. I dont know if I feel the same about him anymore. This makes me so sad because we were together nearly 4 years and had talked about marriage and kids.

We both have a lot going on at home. My mum has a serious illness and something pretty bad happened in his family last week so even though we had planned seeing each other over the easter wkend I decided not to beacause of his family situation.

Sometimes I think I want to end it and I actually feel quite sure of the decision and then other times I can hardly breathe when I think that I'll never see him again or do any of the things we've planned. Is it normal to feel this way sometimes in a relationship? Or have we reached the end of the line? We've talked and talked over the last few months and there have been so many tears from both of us. I just wish I knew what to do

being perfectly honest the rest of what you have written should be irrelevant.

you deserve to be treated a bit better than this op to put it mildly.

id walk away and would advise you very strongly to do the same

LegacyUser

Thanks for both your replies. I spoke to him the other night and told him I was unhappy and was unsure how I felt anymore. Deep down he knows i have been like this for a long time and that I've tried to get over it. He got annoyed with me and told me he didn't need this sh*t. I understand because he does have a lot going on and I wondered why I said it when I did. He's cut off contact with me for now saying that both our families need us and that he can't think straight. I just don't want to hurt him or myself anymore. I love him and know that he loves me. I'm afraid that if I do end it I'll have made a big mistake. Do you think having this time apart with no contact at all will help me decide once and for all?

Kirnsy

yes use this time to seriously examine if you want to be with this man and the way he acts and treats you.

dont be afraid to come to the conclusion that you are better off without him either though.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I no its hard when there's a lot going on at home, but there's no excuse for him (or you) not to be there for the other. its the very time that ye need to be there for each other. family problems should also not be used as an excuse to avoid yer own personal problems.

the only advice that i can give to you (which i learned the hard way through personal experience) is that 'breaks' never work. they should be avoided at all costs. talking, communicating and being honest with each other are the only productive ways to deal with any problems within a relationship, even if it leads to ye coming to the decision to call a halt to the relationship.
i also know that if my bf made such a huge decision like moving away without discussing it with me id be pretty pissed with him.