Variety of things...

liah

I'm not going to bother going unregistered for this, I'm really not bothered who knows about my past. Just want to get some insight and advice about a lot of issues I have that stem from my childhood, I guess.

This will be stupid long. Like a damn novel. So I apologize in advance, and feel free to skip through it all, it's probably useless anyway but I guess I need a rant.

Anyway..

I was born in California, lived there til I was seven years old. I don't really remember much, but what does stand out has had rather a large impact on my life.

Basically, my dad was incredibly abusive towards my mother. My earliest memory comes from when I was three years old. My father had come home-- it was sometime in the night-- he was drunk and on a variety of drugs (coke, heroin, meth, anything else you can imagine, he was on at one point or another, and generally quite a few at once). I remember cowering behind a wall as my dad yelled expletives at my mother and punched her repeatedly about the face and stomach, and her crying and screaming at him to keep away from me.. which he did. At one point or another someone called the police, and he was arrested and taken away. While my memory is incredibly clear in regards to these events I've no idea who did the calling. Doesn't really matter anyway. I never saw him again after that. Haven't heard from him at all, and he never paid my poor mother the child support she was owed for the next eighteen years. I've no idea if he's alive or dead, if I have half-brothers or half-sisters wandering around somewhere, etc. It's bizarre.

I do remember a couple brief visits to his parents in Arizona when I was tiny, but they didn't stick to my memory very well and I think it was just so my mom could sort out legal stuff in regards to my dad. She never spoke about it to me if she did. I get the impression she got a restraining order out on him due to the amount of times we moved.

We moved house in just Orange County at least fifteen, maybe sixteen times. My mother never told me why, but I'm almost positive it's because of him. Regardless. I switched schools and neighborhoods a lot. My mother worked pretty much constantly-- she was a hairdresser during the day, and at night she would paint, so I never really had much time with her. I had babysitters, but they weren't ever particularly attentive. I never had time to make friends. I ended up getting attached to our dogs and not bothering to talk to new people. I was ridiculously shy and spent far too much time in books instead of socializing. This has messed me up, and I'm fully aware of it.

In one of the neighborhoods we were in briefly, I was told much later by my mother that a group of boys (remember, this was before I was seven years old) took me to a shed and assaulted me. I guess I mentally blocked this out. Occasionally I'd get flashes of it but I never really thought much about it. Probably did its fair share of subconscious damage.

Anyway, we moved to Ontario, Canada when I was seven to be around my mother's family as that's where she's from. Even then, we moved around a lot, and yet again I spent more time with my dogs than I did with any people, and I sort of got set into a severe state of being antisocial. I developed issues with speaking to classmates, doing class presentations, even talking on the phone reduced me to tears-- I just couldn't do it. People scared the hell out of me. I got more and more into books and learning outside of classes-- which did turn out to be beneficial, but still-- and completely shut down. I only ever showed what I considered to be my "real" self around animals-- my dogs, of course, and I was into horseback riding once we got to Canada, and they kept me at least somewhat sane.

My family's (mother's side) history of clinical-level depression hit me quite early, guess around the age of twelve or thirteen. I tried a couple times to overdose on whatever I could find, and I got into very destructive behaviour with my friends. Drinking, smoking pot, stealing, vandalism. I'd disappear to go on walks in the middle of the night hoping I'd get abducted or something. This was mostly due to the fact that my mother had got herself involved with what could be a clone of my dad. I couldn't stand him. He was abusive, physically, mentally, sexually, and my mother never believed me when I told her.

I dropped out of highschool when I was sixteen after months of skipping class, never handing in assignments, various suspensions, and more detentions than I could count. I frustrated my teachers, as I was very bright, creative, and I had no issues with the material. I always learned better on my own outside of class, and I can't think of a single thing I actually learned in school that I hadn't already figured out/taught myself with the exception of mathematics (which I'm still disturbingly poor at). I'd ace all my tests, but I still failed the majority of my courses due to not being in class and not handing in assignments. My mother gave up on me, as I was basically uncontrollable and would always find a way to get around things or talk my way out of any situation.

I became addicted to horses and computers. The horses were a good thing. Whenever I went out riding, my head was clear and I was completely in my element. Right now I can feel tears in my eyes, which always happens whenever I think about back then. The freedom, trust, and connection was just something I've never been able to replace. Unfortunately, money ran out and I was no longer able to keep up the hobby, which completely shattered me. I got more and more into computers, and my entire social life revolved around them. I had no social interaction at all outside of videogames and various forums. It was so bad that I would get distressed whenever I couldn't access my computer, because I felt alone without the people I knew online.

I got my first boyfriend (and everything else) at seventeen. It was an incredibly accelerated relationship-- after two weeks of going out, I got kicked out of my house after getting in a fight with my mother's live-in boyfriend and ended up living with my then boyfriend. We did everything together, and I was completely 100% reliant on him. He was my only social interaction. He was a complete saint to me. He brought me to British Columbia with his family, out for camping and fishing trips, etc. I was with him for two years, and we were never apart, despite many trials and tribulations that go with any relationship.

I broke up with him then because I wanted to travel. I'd been bitten by the wanderlust bug, and he was tied down to a four-year course in university and couldn't just up and leave to go traveling with me. We still lived together for about a month before I flew to Manchester.

I went with no plans, little money, and I didn't know anyone in real life there. I arranged to meet up with an internet friend, who would let me stay with him for a bit til I moved up to Scotland to stay with another pair of internet mates for a couple of weeks til I found somewhere to move onto again. Within a matter of days, however, we were obsessed with each other, and he ended up going with me to Scotland to visit the mutual internet mates, and when it turned out we didn't get along so well with them we moved back down to Manchester, and then he and his family and I all went camping all over Scotland. It was easily one of the best times in my life. I stayed in the UK for six months with him, but then my visa ran out and I had to go back home to Canada.

We tried for the LDR for the next six months but it was too hard, and I've always been hard to tie down. I broke his heart, as I did with the last, and he never quite forgave me. We remained incredibly close friends, and I always loved him (still do), but it wasn't the same. I miss him, terribly, and am only now realizing how much of a fool I was to give him up.

Back home, I agreed to meet up with another internet mate who happened to live in an adjacent town. This guy ended up being a total mental case. He loved screwing with people's heads. He lied to me, told me he had cancer, strung me along, got my sympathy. Then he took advantage of me, leaving me in a complete wreck for a few months, which of course he thought was hilarious, and then he proceeded to completely tarnish my e-reputation (remember, this actually meant something to me as it was my only form of social interaction), making me out to be some whore even though he was the one who gained my trust and then violated me.

After that I felt I had to get away. I couldn't live at home anymore as my mother's boyfriend was getting onto me again, constant harrassment, and coupled with breaking up with the ex and the idiot from the previous paragraph my mental health was deteriorating at a frightening pace.

So, I applied for a job here in Ireland, and moved over in September. I forced myself to at least attempt to interact, so I went down to the pub, bought myself a pint, sat down beside a group of people who were watching a game and pretended like I cared what was going on. From then on I was slowly building up confidence, meeting loads of new people, feeling like everything was finally going right-- I had good mates, a job, animals. I was truly happy.

I then lost the job due to the people no longer being able to keep me on (it provided accomodations, so they were paying to keep me, etc). When people found out I was newly homeless they all started to fall away. I started to see the bad side of Irish culture coming out-- gossip and rumours started, and it got progressively worse. I had nowhere to go, no one to confide in. Completely stranded, and I couldn't afford (nor did I want) to go home. I made a lot of mistakes, spent a lot of time drunk and ended up sleeping with people just to get a bed for the night.

But I stuck it out. One of my mates pulled through for me, and I'll be eternally grateful to him for it. I now have a place to stay, a pet guinea pig, and food in my belly.

I've gone back to being pretty addicted to the computer, though unlike then I still go out at weekends. I can talk to people on the phone now. I have no problem meeting new people. I'm confident-- I'm a pretty girl with a head on her shoulders who doesn't buy into drama or headgames, I'm smart albeit a little reckless, I'm compassionate, caring, fun, easygoing, laid back, kind-hearted.

But I still feel lost. I know my past has done irrevocable damage to me. I'm trusting to a ridiculous level, but I'm also incredibly paranoid. I don't know how to explain it. I have no problems meeting or staying with people I only know from the internet, hitchhiking, walking around in the middle of the night without a care, yet I always feel like everyone's out to get me, is talking about me, secretly hates me, thinks I'm horrible, will do something to hurt me, etc.

I have gone through so much crap in my life. I feel like the world is out to get me, and I have no one to lean on because nobody wants me, and the two people who did, and did everything for me, I abandoned.

I want to fix this. I want to make it so I can feel completely comfortable talking to people (I can talk to people now, but I'd still be considered very quiet and hard to get to know, though once you know me it's hard to shut me up), I want to be able to find someone I can feel confident staying with and who I won't destroy because I feel like I'm ready for that now, even though I wasn't before-- but now that I am ready for it, I can't find it.

I'm comfortable with my past. I've no issues talking about it openly and joking about it, which surprises people. It genuinely doesn't bother me. It has made me who I am today and despite all the hardship I feel I'm a better person for all of it. I don't feel like I need counselling. I know exactly what my issues are and why I have them and I have come a long, long way in fixing them-- I'm not perfect, nobody is, but I'm an awful lot better than I was.

Still.. I need support. I miss having my boyfriend, someone to feel 100% constantly at ease with, someone I can be 100% honest with (though I am always honest with everyone, but you get what I mean), someone I can confide in and who I know, no matter what, will be there for me and will not let me down like everyone else who I've been close to has.

I can't find it anywhere, and it's leading me back down a very bad road.

So, I guess, to summarize:

1) How the hell can I find someone who will be that.. unconditional? Since I've been here, people have been incredibly two-faced and I don't feel like I can really ever truly trust anyone.
2) How do I overcome my quietness? Like I mentioned I'm far more confident than I was and I can talk to and open up to people but it always takes them chipping away at me, and people get bored with that.
3) I can't afford counselling, and I don't particularly believe in it, nor do I think I need it, but due to having so much violent history, do you think it would be a good idea? I think having a good friend or boyfriend to confide in would achieve the same effect, but maybe there's something about counselling I've missed that would make a difference?
4) Why is it so bloody hard to find good, trustworthy, non-gossipy friends in this country?

Edited to add: 5) Why can I only make friends with blokes, even though they're the ones who have done the most damage in my life? I have no female friends. None. Only male. Seems odd, all things considered.

I'm sorry that my post was so long, but I'm hoping some of you will read it and pick out things I haven't picked up on and just.. help me. With anything. And maybe figure out why I can't seem to keep people close to me.

Thanks to anyone who got through that and can try to offer me some advice.

Polleta

Wow that was a read and a half.

I'll go with your numbered questions in my reply I think

1) I guess that is a time factor. I think there are a lot of people out there who aren't two-faced and you will find someone who can love all bits of you.

2) I am also a very reserved person and people find it takes me a while to open up. With your past I imagine it must be that bit harder. For me when my confidence grew I managed to be less quiet and cover my reserved nature with being bubbly and interested in other people and bit by bit I let a bit of myself out. I think you are a decent bit of the way there with your confidence levels.


3) I've never had counselling but I think it could be good for you to talk to an unbiased person about your life. An outlet for it all?
I think talking to friends is not quite a substitute for this as there will always be something you will hold back talking to someone you care about.


4) I have met a lot of gossipy two faced girls in my time. I have managed to stay out of it for the most part(I think anyway i've never been called two-faced that I know of). Despite encountering lots of Irish girls in my life here I have but 6 close female friends. They are out there but maybe are outside the circles you've met.


5) I think men are more straightforward. I have found this in life in general. Even as a child I found it easier to be friends with boys. To be honest in the last few years I have found it hard to keep some of my male friends due to mixed signals and confused feelings with some of them but when it comes down to it most of the time what you see is what you get with them. With males you can say stupid things that cross your mind without getting 'the look' that says how stupid are you?! I work with mainly men and have done for the last number of years. It makes my life easier.

On saying that I have some close female friends who couldnt replace any of my male friends as they can see things from my point of view slightly easier sometimes.

I wish you the best of luck with this but counselling may be able to help you sort out the muddle in your head. There are anon services here that may be able to point you in the right directions.(And of course after writing that I go totally blank of what they are). I'll come back with some names if I remember.

LegacyUser

1) How the hell can I find someone who will be that.. unconditional? Since I've been here, people have been incredibly two-faced and I don't feel like I can really ever truly trust anyone.

You cant, stop expecting that. Because of your limited access to friends as a small child you have not learned some unpalatable truths of friendship. Friendship is not like in the movies where people would lay down their lives for each other etc.

Friendships are usually deeply flawed at least with more than a little self interest being the main motivation for them.

I am very simiar to you, I have had a life most people would not be able to comprehend, my story frightens them. Ive learned not to be so open and stop expecting people to accept you. It doesn't work like that. You dont realise how different you are because its your life and you can deal with it. Most people had a safe, nice existance where Daddy was a nice man and there were plenty of schoolbooks etc You have got to start seeing it through their eyes, they have a totally different outlook, security was the norm not danger, fear and uncertainty.

2) How do I overcome my quietness? Like I mentioned I'm far more confident than I was and I can talk to and open up to people but it always takes them chipping away at me, and people get bored with that.

Let them, you cant cultivate a fake personality, they get bored of that far quicker believe me.

3) I can't afford counselling, and I don't particularly believe in it, nor do I think I need it, but due to having so much violent history, do you think it would be a good idea?

Yes, I cant afford it either, but sometimes when I hear what other people are getting counselling for I feel like laughing out loud, I know you can identify! To me so called problems people have are minor irritations but hey who am I to judge.

I think having a good friend or boyfriend to confide in would achieve the same effect, but maybe there's something about counselling I've missed that would make a difference?

No No No! DONT try to use friends and boyfriends to work through these problems, they DONT understand, they cannot carry the burden and will end up resenting you for being heavy.

People are basically shallow and although they mean well they are not professionals. You will just wear out your welcome with them if you try to get help that way. Worse still, unscrupulous people will use the info to tear down your character.

Counsellors are more objective and get paid to listen. I cant pay though! So I dont know what to tell ya!

4) Why is it so bloody hard to find good, trustworthy, non-gossipy friends in this country?

God knows ! Because its all about keeping up with the fcukin Joneses. If you aren't impressed by clawing your way up the ladder your'e nobody.

Edited to add: 5) Why can I only make friends with blokes, even though they're the ones who have done the most damage in my life? I have no female friends. None. Only male. Seems odd, all things considered.

Female too, but all my friends are men, men are more straightforward, less emotional, more doing things based I find. Interactions with women seem frightening and depressing. A lot of them seem mollycoddled and I dislike their complicated, backstabbing ways.

banquo

A read - and a story - and a half indeed!

I wish there was some advice I could offer. I think on the outside your life isn't half bad - you're not homeless, sick, etc. But on the inside it feels to me like there's little sense of identity. I think the question "Who am I?'' would take a lot of thinking for you to answer. But then I'm just some guy on the internet.

If it's not incredibly personal - and an unfair request of a lady who's already shared so much - how old are you Liah?

liah

I'm only 21. Got my whole life to make things better so that's what I'm trying to do.

It's not so much a lack of identity, really.. I know who I am, why I am. I just feel... lonely, I guess? I feel like I've missed out on so much, I lost my childhood, I missed out on all the things kids would do with their friends, etc., and now I feel like I'm missing out on great friendships and relationships because my past has sort of conditioned me to being on my own.

adagio

Hey Op,

I can identify w/the background you came from and it does leave a deep rooted impresion upon ones consiousness and therefore upon ones actions/preceptions socially.
I too consider myself well grounded in the identity stakes but the experiences I have been part of leave a deep ingrained trust issue.
It's taken me 7 years of being outside the abusive situation to find my feet and I'm 35 now and life is treating me very well indeed. Therefore, I wouldn't rule out councilling to speed up full recovery.
On being lonely - you sound like a smart gal, therefore use the 'interweb' to find groups outside your immediate circle - I'm sure you know what you are into.. for instance check out challenge hikers on Face Book, it is easy to meet broad minded people if you put your mind to it.
And finally, fight against being on your own but this does not mean that you comprimise what is important to you...opinions/point of view..etc.

Goods luck and keep your head up.

upmeath

1) It's an unfortunate truth that people talk. You're in Mullingar, I'm sure its not much different from any other provincial town in Ireland, big enough to host cliques but not always big enough to get away from them. I'm from a provincial town and I know from experience that a lot of people have a face they put on in public and a face they put on around closer friends. But there are decent skins in every town, those who manage to keep above rumour mills and gossip. I'm sure there are similar scenarios in small towns in North America.

2) You've noticed yourself that you've started opening up, gaining in confidence and not having the same problem with verbal communication that you once had, and that's all great. I reckon it's a gradual thing, I used chatrooms and forums a lot in my teens, I was very much into books, art and music, and I didn't really come out of my shell until I left school and my hometown behind and started college. Travelling helped me open up even more, it's great to see new people and cultures, albeit not too different from your own. I travelled extensively in the US and Canada over the last few years since I started college, and I find it almost therapeutic. Travelling in Ireland, Scotland and England has no doubt helped you a lot too. And you probably feel that this neck of the woods is better for you than North America ever was, either in California or in Ontario.

3) I think you're right about counselling, I wouldn't have a great deal of time for the idea myself. Opening up to people and finding someone to confide in is a lot more valuable, and it's much more rewarding than spilling your gut out to someone in exchange for their professional opinion.

4) It's hard enough for people who've been here all their lives, my grandparents have friends like that and they're in their seventies, it's just in the nature of a largely rural populace to gossip, be it about the weather, their children, their friends or their neighbours. It's probably made a little bit harder by the fact you didn't attend school here, but that shouldn't make it impossible. Give it time, build trust in people, and open up to them.

5) Previous posters could be right, blokes are more open and there's a lot less smoke and mirrors involved. I've a close female friend, I've been friends with her for 10+ years, right through school, and she has few if any close female friends. I don't see it as an issue with her personality, I get on really well with her, as do most of my mates, she just seems to click with the male psyche more. She's heterosexual and has a boyfriend, she just gets on with guys a lot better than she does girls.

Dudess

I'm awfully sorry to read about all that horror you've gone through liah.

Some of the views you have on people aren't actually accurate - they're only informed by your awful experiences, and that's understandable but it's not something you have to live with. Therefore I think counselling would help - in particular cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). In fact I think you kinda need counselling. This is some serious **** you're dealing with - I don't know whether you can deal with it alone. And a friend/boyfriend, no matter how wonderful they are, may not be equipped to help you on every score - even if they're able to do so to some degree (which I certainly think is possible). Also, I wonder whether you'd be subconsciously attracted to the wrong people because of how battered your confidence is? I think you seem strong enough to transform your life but only with a little help and guidance. Plus, what if you're looking for a boyfriend to fill the void? I personally believe people should only be in a relationship when they're happy with themselves - otherwise they may just project their problems onto their partner (it happens all the time).

It's also obvious you're crying out for friendship and love - I think it's great you've found Boards.ie because it provides a major social outlet for lonely people. There are regular get-togethers and you should go to one - some wonderful people here.

Best wishes...

beth-lou

Hi Liah,

Well that is some story and I think you have already come a long way.
I'm going to reply to your points with my thoughs, they may be wrong, but this is just what came to mind after reading what has happened to you.

1) How the hell can I find someone who will be that.. unconditional? Since I've been here, people have been incredibly two-faced and I don't feel like I can really ever truly trust anyone.

Unconditional love only exists between dog and man and a parent and a child. All other love is based on relationships and all that entails and that means ups and downs, understanding, forgiveness, laughter and sorrow and all the other range of emotions that humans possess. You will always have to deal with people letting you down. The trick is to learn that that's ok, sometimes. And not everyone is going to let you down as badly as your parents, but they may mistakes, as have you I'm sure, and you need to learn when to forgive and forget and when it's actually not worth the effort. The problem is you've been so badly abused from a very young age, that you have learned to cut loose as soon as things arean't perfect. It's kind of like a protection method for you, you shut down. Itotally understand where this is coming from and I think you need to learn how not to do that. It will help you to build solid relationships that last. In this sense, I do thinkyou need to seek some sort of counselling or therapy.

2) How do I overcome my quietness? Like I mentioned I'm far more confident than I was and I can talk to and open up to people but it always takes them chipping away at me, and people get bored with that.

I think you have come a long way and under the circumstances are a pretty incredible young woman. Again I do think that some sort of therapy can help you develop more as a person. Maybe try to spend less time on the pc and get involved in some sort of hobby that will enable you to meet people with common interests.

3) I can't afford counselling, and I don't particularly believe in it, nor do I think I need it, but due to having so much violent history, do you think it would be a good idea? I think having a good friend or boyfriend to confide in would achieve the same effect, but maybe there's something about counselling I've missed that would make a difference?

I think it's definitely worth a try and you have nothing to lose from trying it. You might be surprised. A boyfriend or friend and nobody you are going to meet on the internet is going to be able to work this out with you or for you. If you are serious about it, I would say at least try therapy, do it yourself, then go out and find someone to love, not to be your crutch, but to be your equal.

4) Why is it so bloody hard to find good, trustworthy, non-gossipy friends in this country?

People gossip. That's the way of the world.
Try to ignore gossip and stay away from loose tongued people. I can't stand them myself although I do have one or two old friends that are like that. I have fun with them, but I tend to not tell them anything that I don't want the general public to know. Some people are gossipy, but they can have other qualities too. Maybe you need to relax a little on that front and take people at face value. Nobody is perfect, some are more flawed than others, but the majority have good hearts. Trust is not automatic between people. It's something that builds up over time. I don't know how long you have had friendships here, so I can't be specific, but don't give up. There are good people out there.

Edited to add: 5) Why can I only make friends with blokes, even though they're the ones who have done the most damage in my life? I have no female friends. None. Only male. Seems odd, all things considered.

I can't answer that. I think there is probably some explanation, but I don't know you well enough to say.

I'm sorry that my post was so long, but I'm hoping some of you will read it and pick out things I haven't picked up on and just.. help me. With anything. And maybe figure out why I can't seem to keep people close to me.

I think you've learned to shut down and cut people out as soon as they start to dissapoint you. It's your survival mechanism. As I said, a professional should be able to help you work through this. You have been badly let down throughout your life and it took you years to build up those defences. With a bit of help you should be able to bring them crashing down.

You've had a very tough childhood. You need to let go of the past as it is holding you back. You seem bright and intelligent and have lots of potential. The fact that you are asking the questions that you have shows a willingness to change certain behaviours. I personally think the best way to do that is to seek help. I know you are reluctant to because you are a survivor and not used to getting or asking for help, but I think a little help will help you go a long way.

upmeath

beth-lou wrote: »

Unconditional love only exists between dog and man and a parent and a child.

Dangerously accurate, I never thought of it that way before!