Lyrics? yay or nay?

timeforheroes01

What do you think of these lyrics I wrote???

This silence isnt awkward, It's comfortable or calm at best
Upon your fingertips, your perfect lips are laid to rest
upon this open juncture, my love intends to mean no harm
and in your open eyes, I see that messed up kind of charm

Chorus
But what can I say? Dont you understand?
The look in your eyes, this pen in my hand,
but money's no cure, or no help at all,
cos your ship has sailed, but my boat has stalled,
but we've been through all this, yeah we've been through hell, so darlin so long and darlin farewell

Forget your broken vows, or broken bells that have no way back home,
Forgetful fingertips, those perfect lips were mine to own,
I left without a word to say, i felt lik i was walking dead
she stayed on after me, I think that sorry's all she said

Chorus

conno16

i'm no phil coulter but thats gonna take some tune to carry it

DerKaiser

Constructive criticism? Or will I be told to fcuk off??

Your imagery is strong and deep at the beginning, but kind of loses conviction in the middle, as a song it would be fine if sung on a strong melody, overall quite good though mate

NoQuarter

I think they'd read better here: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=897 :pac:

O.P.H

I don't really wanna comment on the lyrics, I just wanna say somethin else. In my opinion I don't think lyrics really matter at all. Now I know its all about what your main goal is with your music etc but for me and I would have to say for the rest of the world, even if they don't know it, but its all about the music and melody. Look at the Chilli Peppers for instance. I guarentte you that 99% of the people who like their music havent a clue what Tony is singin about most of the time and they dont really care either. Lets say you took the song 'Let It Be' by the Beatles and changed the lyrics to some trippy s**t like a Milton poem where nobody knows what is goin on but it kinda sounded cool, I still think the song would be huge. So all I'm sayin is if your a singer songwriter tryin to write good music dont put so much emphasis on lyrics, that is of course unless thats what you wanna do and your more of a poet etc. At the end of the day the most amazing lyrics in the world cant save a crap song or melody. Just a mini rant, sorry

DerKaiser

O.P.H wrote: »

I don't really wanna comment on the lyrics, I just wanna say somethin else. In my opinion I don't think lyrics really matter at all. Now I know its all about what your main goal is with your music etc but for me and I would have to say for the rest of the world, even if they don't know it, but its all about the music and melody. Look at the Chilli Peppers for instance. I guarentte you that 99% of the people who like their music havent a clue what Tony is singin about most of the time and they dont really care either. Lets say you took the song 'Let It Be' by the Beatles and changed the lyrics to some trippy s**t like a Milton poem where nobody knows what is goin on but it kinda sounded cool, I still think the song would be huge. So all I'm sayin is if your a singer songwriter tryin to write good music dont put so much emphasis on lyrics, that is of course unless thats what you wanna do and your more of a poet etc. At the end of the day the most amazing lyrics in the world cant save a crap song or melody. Just a mini rant, sorry

Strongly disagree, there are 3 parts to a song, lyrics, melody and music, ignore one at your peril as you'll probably end up creating mediocre music, Lyrics add imagery to a song, I am a massive chilis fan (up to californication) and I think Anthonys lyrics are great, as for Let it be, the beatles did the hardest thing of all, wrote real life lyrics and made them sound good, you're right, it's easy to be a jim morrison and write psuedo-intellectual nothings, writing down to earth lyrics and creating powerful images are the real skill, lyrics are so important in my opinion

S.I.R

get a banging donk behind it and its grand.

KylieWyley

DerKaiser wrote: »

Strongly disagree, there are 3 parts to a song, lyrics, melody and music, ignore one at your peril as you'll probably end up creating mediocre music, Lyrics add imagery to a song, I am a massive chilis fan (up to californication) and I think Anthonys lyrics are great, as for Let it be, the beatles did the hardest thing of all, wrote real life lyrics and made them sound good, you're right, it's easy to be a jim morrison and write psuedo-intellectual nothings, writing down to earth lyrics and creating powerful images are the real skill, lyrics are so important in my opinion

its all what you want to do with it...
classical and jazz have no lyrics. are they missing one of your 3 essential parts? no. they do what they set out to do.

DerKaiser

KylieWyley wrote: »

its all what you want to do with it...
classical and jazz have no lyrics. are they missing one of your 3 essential parts? no. they do what they set out to do.

No, I said song though, by definition something that is to be sung

ClutchIt

S.I.R wrote: »

get a banging donk behind it and its grand.

Definitely man. Just put a donk on it. Making music just got way easier now. You can put a donk on nearly anything and it always improves it.

Good lyrics btw. And ya lyrics defo matter, I wouldn't think tom waits or nick cave would have anywhere near the impact they have without their beautiful genius lyrics.

paulg1770

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acSjbqG-qy4

homerun_homer

Needs more cowbell.

stevood

I think these lyrics are fairly good but as far as lyrics go, they don't have the impact without a good tune with it (and donk if ya want it) ie great lyrics, crap song is pointless!!

I personally think that the melody and the music creates the song but after hearing it a million times as radio will tend to do to you, it is the lyrics that makes the song excellent.

donkeypop

A bit of constructive criticism?

"At best" doesn't make sense at the end of the first line and seems like it just been added to rhyme with "rest". Words like "awkward" and "juncture" are very difficult to fit into a song smoothly because they have hard sounds in the them (the "ar" from awkward and the "unc" from juncture) and they seem incongrous here. The phrase "Intend to mean" is what's called a tautology, when you say the same thing twice. The words "intend" and "mean" are synonymous in the context you are using them. I like "messed up kind of charm". That's lovely.

In the chorus you ask the question "don't you understand?" and then it's immediately followed with "the look in your eyes, this pen in my hand". What is the person to understand from the look in their own eyes, or from the pen in your hand? Also, as regards the "pen in hand" line, I don't like songs that reference the art of writing songs unless it's done for a deliberate effect.The "ship has sailed" metaphor is a cliché.

Your imagery is quite mixed up: how does a vow or a bell "find it's way home"? Also, you go from being a protagonist singing to his (ex) lover to being a narrator singing to an audience inbetween line 2 and 3 of the last verse.

The whole, "she loved me and she doesn't love me anymore and she didn't understand" has been done a lot, so, if you're going to do it try and approach it from a different angle. Here would be my idea taking some of your words and some of my own:

This is how I would write that song (a little tongue in cheek):

We work better alone.

Our promises are like fingertips, upon those painted lips;in the dead of night
we were doing it, but it was dangerous,
you were my murderess; I was your alibi.

I thought we worked like a charm
And Together! the world would be ours
we'd drive our getaway car
and I'd die every night in your arms
Oh Baby we shoulda known
That We Work Better Alone.

This song is sung, I think we're really done,I've only got one gun, and I've fired it off.
the air is thick, with our silences
and someone might get killed,
if they have to cough.

Chorus

...A little sketchy, but something like that.

donkeypop

O.P.H wrote: »

In my opinion I don't think lyrics really matter at all. Now I know its all about what your main goal is with your music etc but for me and I would have to say for the rest of the world, even if they don't know it, but its all about the music and melody. Look at the Chilli Peppers for instance. I guarentte you that 99% of the people who like their music havent a clue what Tony is singin about most of the time and they dont really care either.

You know, to a certain extent you are right, but lyrics still need to be singable and to work (even if the listener doesn't know why!). I guarantee you that if you sung different lyrics to this:

Sometimes I feel
Like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angels
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

"Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner" is a great first line and one that people can empathize with. If you changed it to "Sometimes I feel like a ship on the ocean" it becomes clichéd, trite, and the song has far less impact. Yes, some people (but not all) might not understand why the song has meaning for them, but it the lyrics HAVE TO resonate with people for the song to be remembered.

Lets say you took the song 'Let It Be' by the Beatles and changed the lyrics to some trippy s**t like a Milton poem where nobody knows what is goin on but it kinda sounded cool, I still think the song would be huge.

As big as the original? I doubt it.

So all I'm sayin is if your a singer songwriter tryin to write good music dont put so much emphasis on lyrics, that is of course unless thats what you wanna do and your more of a poet etc. At the end of the day the most amazing lyrics in the world cant save a crap song or melody. Just a mini rant, sorry

That's true, the whole package has to be right for the song to work. I think melody is most important, but lyrics are an important part of that package. A lot of bad lyrics will destroy a good song as well (although you can get away with some duds - "she kisses me windy"?).