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So what do you think??

  • 07-04-2009 11:23am
    #1
    timeforheroes01
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23 ✭


    What do you think of these lyrics I wrote???

    This silence isnt awkward, It's comfortable or calm at best
    Upon your fingertips, your perfect lips are laid to rest
    upon this open juncture, my love intends to mean no harm
    and in your open eyes, I see that messed up kind of charm

    Chorus
    But what can I say? Dont you understand?
    The look in your eyes, this pen in my hand,
    but money's no cure, or no help at all,
    cos your ship has sailed, but my boat has stalled,
    but we've been through all this, yeah we've been through hell, so darlin so long and darlin farewell

    Forget your broken vows, or broken bells that have no way back home,
    Forgetful fingertips, those perfect lips were mine to own,
    I left without a word to say, i felt lik i was walking dead
    she stayed on after me, I think that sorry's all she said

    Chorus


Comments

  • #2
    humberklog
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 10,667 Mod ✭✭✭✭humberklog


    Fingertips, look in your eyes, ship's sailed/stalled, darlin.

    There's a lot clunky cliches knocking about in it. Very uncomfortable reading. Are these words and imagery that you like to hear and take serious if it was from another artist?

    You don't mention any musical guidelines. Had you music in mind?


  • #3
    Aridstarling
    Closed Accounts Posts: 650 ✭✭✭Aridstarling


    I like the first line but after that its all downhill really. As Humberklog said, very cliched in places, no natural rythm to the lines, basically no craft. Its needs serious editing.

    "Juncture" doesn't fit at all in the third line. "Messed up" sounds lazy, like you couldn't think of a better way of putting it. Maybe you could but it doesn't read like that.

    The last line of the chorus (to me anyway) sounds like Cohen. And not in a good way, "so darlin' so long and darlin' farewell" = clunky (great word Neil!) version of "Hello my love and my love goodbye". Thats what I thought of straight away, though like I said that might be just me.


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