Am I over thinking?

LegacyUser

Hi, im 24 and my bf is 33 and we have been together for 4 years and have lived together during that time. I love him and am happy in the relationship ( well, apart from a few things but thats another story). Anyway, i know im a bit young, but im starting to think about marriage and kids. I feel like i want to have kids and start a family in the next three years or so, def before im 30 anyway. So, well, my bf whenever i bring up the subject says he doesnt want kids and doesnt want marriage and all that. He says " maybe" in the future , he even said in ten years maybe! hes 33 already so obviously he doesnt feel like time is passing him by. I cant even talk properly to him about it cause if i say too much he gets angry and says" uuuggg stop talking about kids". So, im a position where i love him and dont want to leave him, but i dont want to stay with him for another 5 years to find out that its still out of the question and then be back at square one ie. meeting someone, getting to know them, going through the motions basically . I really dont know if im making a big deal out of it, if maybe he will come around eventually? Are there any guys out there that have felt like that but have changed their minds or any ladies who have been in the same situation? Any reply would be really appreciated, thanks for reading!

LegacyUser

Hi Unreg,

This is a big big issue to work out in any relationship and something that really needs to be addressed as soon as possible, not simply brushed off or ignored by your boyfriend. It's a fundamental difference in what you both want from life, and to put it bluntly it's quite a deal breaker.

If you want marriage and kids and he definitely does not then which one of you is going to compromise 3-5 years from now? You clearly love him and are very happy, but do you love him enough to stay with him and not get married and have kids? He clearly loves you too but can you honestly see him changing his mind further down the line? The 'wait and see if he changes his mind' approach is quite a risk. The more time you invest now the less time you have if he doesn't change his mind.

I was in a similar situation when I was 24. I was with my ex for 5 years, w lived together for 2 years and were blissfully happy and crazy about each other all for one little thing... I wanted to get married and have his kids (eventually) and he didn't want marriage and kids at all. I had led myself to believe for years that the more in love we became the more he would want to start a family with me and there were times when he did feel that way. After constant debate and lots of tears we eventually agreed that it wasn't fair on either of us to have to compromise and we broke up. It is so difficult to go through a break up when you both are still madly in love, but want very different things. It makes it very hard to move on, but I believe it was the right thing for both of us. (Ironically, the girl he was seeing for a short while after we broke up, got pregnant unexpectedly and they decided to stay together for the sake of the child. He absolutely loves being a dad now, which was even more heart breaking for both of us.)

Apologies for digressing, but I just wanted to hammer home that this is something that will not go away and no matter how heartbreaking it is, it's much better in the long run to address it now even if that leads to you both breaking up. Best of luck to you!

Oh The Humanity

(Ironically, the girl he was seeing for a short while after we broke up, got pregnant unexpectedly and they decided to stay together for the sake of the child. He absolutely loves being a dad now, which was even more heart breaking for both of us.)

Sadly, you know this is all too common. He doesn't want to be a father, breaks up with "the one" and goes on to get "caught out" by some girl he met in a nightclub that he knows for 3 weeks!

I notice with men that you rarely meet one who says they want kids. Also you rarely meet one who says they dont want kids now but is able to specify when they do want them.

You have to understand for men there is no clock. They can have them until they die so time is just not an issue for them. I find they tend to ostrich about the whole issue until it is thrust upon them.

(By the way, by no means am I advocating thrusting it on an unwilling partner)

Its so banal for every man to say "I dont want kids" that its become almost meaningless. They say one thing but do another.

I think one of the worst things you can do as a woman and if kids are important to you is wait around until he gets into the space where he wants them.

In my opinion when a man says he doesnt want kids to a long term girlfriend it really means, I dont want them with you. Your nearly what I want but just not quite and I think I could get better dna than yours.

Maybe I am way off but thats the way it seems to me.

prinz

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Sadly, you know this is all too common. He doesn't want to be a father, breaks up with "the one" and goes on to get "caught out" by some girl he met in a nightclub that he knows for 3 weeks!

I notice with men that you rarely meet one who says they want kids. Also you rarely meet one who says they dont want kids now but is able to specify when they do want them.

You have to understand for men there is no clock. They can have them until they die so time is just not an issue for them. I find they tend to ostrich about the whole issue until it is thrust upon them.

(By the way, by no means am I advocating thrusting it on an unwilling partner)

Its so banal for every man to say "I dont want kids" that its become almost meaningless. They say one thing but do another.

I think one of the worst things you can do as a woman and if kids are important to you is wait around until he gets into the space where he wants them.

In my opinion when a man says he doesnt want kids to a long term girlfriend it really means, I dont want them with you. Your nearly what I want but just not quite and I think I could get better dna than yours.

Maybe I am way off but thats the way it seems to me.

I do! I do! Can't wait.I feel like I'm getting old already sometimes.

Agree with what you've said above. Pretty much spot on.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies! but so, should i shrug it off as a guy thing or take it seriously and re evaluate the ( perfectly ok at the moment ) relationship now before its too late?

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks for the replies! but so, should i shrug it off as a guy thing ?

Not really no. I'm a guy and I already issues with an ex-gf saying she never wanted to have kids. Sorry but that's not going to work for me, I said, so let's not waste our time.

Unregistered wrote: »

or take it seriously and re evaluate the ( perfectly ok at the moment ) relationship now before its too late?

Yes you really should. What happens if you wait 10 years as he said and he decides he's now too old to start a family?? Where will you be then? You really have to think about this.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

In my opinion when a man says he doesn’t want kids to a long term girlfriend it really means, I dont want them with you. Your nearly what I want but just not quite and I think I could get better dna than yours.

Maybe I am way off but thats the way it seems to me.

Harsh! I never thought of it that way. He nearly lost his life when he found out about the unplanned pregnancy, but I knew him well enough to know that he would love being a Dad. There was no way he was ever going to be persuaded of that though. It's something that always would have had to be forced on to him, and no.1 I could never in a million years be the one to force it on him (or any guy on purpose) and no.2 him staying with me just because I got pregnant would never be enough for me. I needed him to choose to spend his life with me for me and not because I had his baby.

Anyway I digress again. Sure not all guys out there want kids but clearly some do. But it's defiantly not a wait and see game for the women out there because unfortunately for us there is such a thing as a biological clock.

quinevere

i was with someone that didn't want kids and i didn't either so it suited me fine

till i realised i did want them with him

and it was a deal breaker for us everyone wants different things men have all their lives to reproduce women dont and very few men actually know they want kids. instances for men are different but if a relationship is going to work you need to be clear about what you both want and prehaps a timescale. not knowing where the future is going makes everything very unstable and plays on your emotions and self confidence .

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

. (Ironically, the girl he was seeing for a short while after we broke up, got pregnant unexpectedly and they decided to stay together for the sake of the child. He absolutely loves being a dad now, which was even more heart breaking for both of us.)

I am reading it but its a fairly high risk strategy.

I have kids and have been split from the mother for years - pregnancy is no way to try to keep a relationship.

*Honey*

The question you really need to ask yourself is - is your relationship with him more important, more vital to you than having kids with him? Would you stay with him no matter what, even if that meant never having kids? How long would you be prepared to wait and see?

I do think, at your age, you could invest a little more time to wait and see - you have the luxury of youth on your side which is a good thing. However, I also believe that you shouldn't waste that youth on a situation that may never resolve itself to your needs either. You know him best and it's only you who can make that decision.

Das Kitty

OP, you need to choose between him and having kids.

If it's the latter you need to make your move, it's unfair on you both, you'll end up bitter and angry with one another. In this situation he'll have to decide whether it's more important to have you or not have kids.

The wait and see approach will have you just living with an elephant in the room.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks for the replies! but so, should i shrug it off as a guy thing or take it seriously and re evaluate the ( perfectly ok at the moment ) relationship now before its too late?

Some men and women genuinely want to be child free. Its not what they want out of life full stop.

Its the dealbreaker and one you need to discuss. For now you are getting a flat "no" or maybe one child in 10 years time.

It seems to me he wants to be child free.

jellie

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I notice with men that you rarely meet one who says they want kids. Also you rarely meet one who says they dont want kids now but is able to specify when they do want them.

i disagree with that. ive never met a guy who said he didnt want kids. in fairness i havent discussed it with every man ive ever met, but anytime it has been discussed the guys have said they would like them in the future sometime.

CDfm

sar84 wrote: »

i disagree with that. ive never met a guy who said he didnt want kids. in fairness i havent discussed it with every man ive ever met, but anytime it has been discussed the guys have said they would like them in the future sometime.

I am a guy and know several guys in my social group who dont want kids and want to live the child free life. Its not uncommon.Even more who are Dads and dont want to be.

jellie

CDfm wrote: »

I am a guy and know several guys in my social group who dont want kids and want to live the child free life. Its not uncommon.Even more who are Dads and dont want to be.

i didnt say it was uncommon for men not to, but i still dont think its RARE to meet a man who does want kids, not necessarily now, but at some stage. there are plenty that do while there are plenty that dont. neither are RARE.

I do want children. not now, not for a good few years, but i know i do want them. if i was with a guy who told me there was no way hed ever have them then thatd be a make or break issue for me. but at the same time he shouldnt have them just to please me. you should try talk to him properly about it & explain to him how youre feeling. if hes dismissive of even discussing it then id be questioning your relationship.

CDfm

sar84 wrote: »

i didnt say it was uncommon for men not to, but i still dont think its RARE to meet a man who does want kids, not necessarily now, but at some stage. there are plenty that do while there are plenty that dont. neither are RARE.

Its not rare to meet a man who does want kids but there are also a lot of guys who want to be child free.

I do want children. not now, not for a good few years, but i know i do want them. if i was with a guy who told me there was no way hed ever have them then thatd be a make or break issue for me. but at the same time he shouldnt have them just to please me. you should try talk to him properly about it & explain to him how youre feeling. if hes dismissive of even discussing it then id be questioning your relationship.

Very sensible post Sars84 .

OP I do think at 24 you are just starting off career wise etc.Now your b/f may love you but may be unsure about things on the long term commitment side.It happens.

Its a right minefield this whole kids issue especially if its linked in with other issues.It also could be something like "I dont want to have this discussion right now as there is a recession and there are big problems at work and I find it very unsettling".So the timing of the discussion may not be right.

Your thoughts on it may have changed and while its right to discuss it and tell him - be equally prepared for him not to share your point of view and for any consequences that has for your relationship.