Friend didn't 'come out' but was 'found out'

LegacyUser

A friend of mine was 'outed' at the weekend after being seen by some people he knows. He's obviously not ready to tell people he's gay yet, and hasn't told me. Should I just wait and let him come out in his own time or mention it to him that I know?

I'm thinking its best to say nothing and just jet him get on with his life, he'll do it when he's ready....

It's not an issue in the sense:
"oh my god I can't be friends with him anymore cos he's gay!"

Its more like:
"why can't he just tell me? It won't make any difference, we'd still be mates"

What would others do?

shellyboo

If it were me, I'd wait and let him take his own time. I understand you feel a bit hurt that he hasn't trusted you with the info, but coming out is a pretty huge and scary step, and forcing the issue with him before he's ready might do more harm than good.

Go with your gut, let him take his time and just be there for him as much as you can. Shelve whatever vague sense of annoyance you have that he hasn't told you and focus on his feelings when he does tell you.

The only thing I would say is if there's a chance that the people who've seen him are going to start spreading rumours about it and publically 'outing' him, then you should definitely warn him.

bluecell99

Hi there,

You dont say your friends age.Or how this may have happened.Presume seen in a "gay bar" or something ike this?

If he is fairly young ie 19,or 20 then maybe he does not see it as a big deal and therefore no need for the big conversation.He might describe himself as "bi" as I know that this can sometimes make acceptance easier.

If he is a good friend I dont see the harm in getting around to the subject of relationships/intimacy/gay and bi people with him and that say something like" you know I dont think anyone really cares anymore what a person is or that its a big deal".

Make some rermark as to how many famous film stars/singers were and are gay.Judge his reaction.Be supportive and you may find out what stage he is at.At the end of the day its his life and he is responsible.Yes initially many people can be taken aback,hostile even occasionally.Usually they come around and realise its the way things are.

Some people have blue eyes and others brown.Nothing you can do about it.Does not change anyone as a person.

Oh The Humanity

Its more like:
"why can't he just tell me? It won't make any difference, we'd still be mates"

Because OP believe it or not you are not at the top of his list of worries right now!

Let him come to you in his own time, he is going to be gay for the rest of his life, there is no rush!

If it wont make any difference then waiting a few more weeks/months wont matter. Dont make a big fuss about it, he probably wants to just carry on as normal and not have to "talk about it" just yet.

He will discuss it when it suits him.

Darthhoob

its a tough one. i have had the same 'problem' with my brother. when i was 12 (and he was 24) my pet gerbil escaped and went in his room and under his bed. i found some mags there....i remember dropping them and running off screaming LOL. since then he told my other brother, and my dad has suspicions but he hasn't told me (probably cos im his baby sister..we are close). im now 26 and he is 39...but im still here for when he wants to come out...if it ever happens lol. it's a very personal thing.

cantdecide

There's a lot you're not saying, OP.

What do you mean outed, exactly? Does he know he was 'seen'? Is it an absolute foregone conclusion that he's gay- end of? Is he a very close friend?

If yes to all of the above then I would say that you could just tell him that you know and he has your support. Nothing else you can say or do, really.

bokspring71

why can't you just leave him alone to get on with his life. Why do you feel you want to talk to him about it? What is it about being gay that you feel necessitates you having to discuss it with him? If you are really desperate to know, why not ask him?

Liam Byrne

what_do_i_do wrote: »

"why can't he just tell me? It won't make any difference, we'd still be mates"

Who cares ? I've got a few views that some people can sometimes interpret as homophobic, but in all fairness most of them just relate to the fact that it doesn't - and shouldn't - define a person.

Some people are a pain when they "come out", because it comes up in every conversation. And most of the time it's because it's not relevant one way or the other. A person is a person, and as long as they're sound and fair and honest, then they're worth having as a friend.

If - as you say - it doesn't make a difference, then why should he tell you ?

Reflector

if he was a good mate chat to him about it, just say it to him and that you are cool with it, why not, It's better in the long run. if he tells you and then you say oh I knew years ago!

just get it over and done with.

Oh and in reference to another poster who says she found mags under her brothers bed. My sister found me out by finding pics of naked men on the family computer. She was only 15 or so but we were at a wedding soon after and she had a few sneaky drinks and sat on my knee and just asked me. It was weird but fine. I was glad she did it and I felt quite guilty for exposing my little sister to such images but sure she's fine now.

cantdecide

It actually only boils down to being a detail like height or hair colour. Being gay is no more good bad or indifferent than anything else. It's not the norm and can raise eyebrows but it's a fact of life like the weather and it certainly doesn't have to be tiptoed around. I think that if I were gay, I'd like to know if my friends were okay with it...

Zzippy

OP, leave him to it and he will tell you when he's ready. Coming out is a very big thing for some people, and he needs to work up to it himself. Backing him into a corner by telling him you know will not help, and could be very traumatic for him.
I had a pretty good idea my bro was gay for a long time before he came out, but I let him tell me himself. It was no big deal then, cos he was ready for it, and I didn't give a toss either way as long as he's happy.
Just be his mate and be there for him when he does come out, if he does decide to do it.

username123

Leave him to it. I was friends with a guy in work once who I knew was gay years before he actually told me. When he did tell me i was like 'oh yeah - I already knew that' and he was like 'what! how did you know?'.
But I didnt care that he hadnt told me for years - someones sexuality is their own business.

MysticalSoul

Leave it to him to tell you in his own time. I used to socialise in the George, and a guy who worked behind the bar there, was friends with someone I worked with - when I arrived into work the next day she shouted "I hear you were in the George last night", to a room full of thirty people - I ended up making a joke of it, but felt mortified, as felt I needed to make excuses, especially in the environment I worked in. I felt firstly, he should not have said it to her, as it is hard enough for people as it is, and him being gay, should have recognised that, secondly, my work colleague had no right to shout that in front of so many people - if she wanted to say something, it should have been done privately. This girl I was not particularly close with, so would never have told her myself anyway.

Monkey61

Personally I would broach the subject with him and let him know that your his mate and wish he would have told you sooner.

Coming out is terrifying. It was for me anyway and I would have been delighted if friends had approached me first and told me they were cool with it. In fact one of the friends that I had been afraid of telling got very drunk one night and told me how upset she had been that I hadn't told her and that she had heard it from someone else. It was actually a lovely thing to hear and to know that she didn't have a problem with it at all.

Morag

Give the lads some space and some time and let him break it to you himself, if he feels the need.

wylo

Im afraid Ive to disagree with most peoples views here, my very best mate came out last year, we are very good buddies, we grew up playing sports together, we used go on the pull together, we meet up every weekend watching football. Hes the most ladsie of lads you'll meet, eventually he told me and I was grand with it, Im so used to it now he even accuses me of acting more gay than him etc lol.
Anyway my point is he lived with this secret for years and its only since hes come out hes been coming across as genuinely happy.
Hes often told myself and others that he wished he had told us earlier.

IMO it could be a weight off his shoulders if you tell him you know and dont care, granted there'll be the first few days of shock with him realising people know, but maybe he wanted you to know.

Coming up to the time my mate came he used not clear his searches on internet explorer knowing he had been on gay sites in a slight hope people might see it.

CDfm

I would say -well ok.

Funnily enough g/f and I spoke this evening about a schoolfriend of mine who is gay and now a hotel manager.

You should ask him at an appropriate time and should indicate that it wont affect the friendship. If he is young he may be testing the water.Not a big deal really.

Dave!

I reckon if it were me I'd find a way to let him know that I know (and also that it's okay).

He'll probably be relieved that he doesn't have to do a big dramatic "I've got something to tell you... I'm ghey!"

I'd probably crack a joke about it, or maybe just text him and tell him it's cool, etc.

cowzerp

CDfm wrote: »

Funnily enough g/f and I spoke this evening about a schoolfriend of mine who is gay and now a hotel manager.

Thats just weird!
are you trying to tell him that its unusual that gays have normal jobs,

converstaion-CDfm, hi mick my gay friend just got a job!
Bob, WOW thats interesting.
CDfm, Yes im full of quality info!

smileykey

Find a way to bring it up slowly so you can drop the conversation if he seems to be getting agitated and upset by it. I know I would have loved for someone to ask me when I was trying to come out. In fact I specifically tried to "look gay" so that people might figure it out. I was never so worried by people's reaction I just didn't know how to bring it up. Your friend may be the same. And it may be a great relief to him to have a close friend who knows and who he can talk to about it.

Don't be annoyed that he didn't tell you, this is about him not you. I'm sure he didn't keep it from you for any specific reason other than the fact that its really hard to come out, especially to the people you're closest to. Most of my siblings either figured it out or found out when I introduced them to my GF. I've never actually said to them "hey guess what, I'm a big lez." Why should I? They've never come out to me as straight.

CDfm

cowzerp wrote: »

Thats just weird!
are you trying to tell him that its unusual that gays have normal jobs,

converstaion-CDfm, hi mick my gay friend just got a job!
Bob, WOW thats interesting.
CDfm, Yes im full of quality info!

I have a teenage son BTW.

My point was that way back it wasnt unusual for gays to work in the hospitality industry to accomodate their lifestyle and the question didnt come up with my friend until years later when he told me that he was gay.I just had never asked and we had lost contact after college.

I should have posted a bit more on this but really his sexual orientation did not bother me at all when I met him. Though he had kept it quiet at school he had been very aware of it and it did influence his career choice.

OP you should not really be worried about your friend. It really shouldnt affect your friendship. Well -there is nothing wrong with asking your friend if he is gay just on a one-to-one basis if there is a rumour going around.

Sods law he will just want to do the normal stuff like listen to music or whatever.Most gays are aware of their straight friends orientation and have a more defined off limits friendzone then you would imagine.