Boyfriend a doormat?

LegacyUser

Been with my boyfriend for 4 months. We are 19 and 20. Problem is he can be a bit of a doormat (not actually sure if that's the right word to use!) sometimes? He will always say it's my choice when I ask what we should do for a day out etc. While it's nice sometimes, and at the start it was sweet, it's getting annoying as he will never ever ever pick something..where to eat, where to go, what dvd to get, what film to see, what time to meet up at- ANYTHING! When I say "no no you can choose it's your turn" or "we'll pick together" he always just says no it's up to me. While it's nice to choose sometimes I want to make sure it's what he wants to do too? And how am I meant to fully get to know him if I don't see what things he likes to do/watch etc??

Also when it comes to sex he keeps asking me how close I am to finishing. It's all he cares about. It really puts me off and I've said to him "please don't ask" but he still does the next time! When we have sex all he thinks about is getting me to orgasm, which I do appreciate to an extent but it gets to the point where I'm just fed up of him saying it and i get completely out of the mood, and eventually he gives up and gets annoyed at himself for not finishing me. He asks me what I want him to do and I tell him but whenever I ask him what would give him the most pleasure he just fobs it off and says oh doesn't matter just being with you is enough?! I really love being with him but the constant attention to my orgasm just annoys me!

It's just getting to me and it's sad because in every other way he's a brilliant boyfriend. We have such a laugh together, we get on brilliantly and he's very affectionate etc.
Has anyone been in this situation and have any tips about approaching him about it? I don't want to come across as annoyed because I know that he is a very caring person (from seeing him with family etc) and that's probably where this stems from, just maybe advice on how to gently let him know?

bluecell99

Wow!! Aint you the luck one?!Its the opposite to so many who have issues and who would swap places with you.

However,to be serious for a minute.He is just a sound and caring guy who puts others before himself.All you need to do is be firm and not able to come up with any suggestions.You need to force his hand.Gently does it.Dont back down!!Just dont keep saying it to him either.

He will only keep taking a back seat as long as he knows that you will ultimately make the decision.

LegacyUser

your boyfriend sounds exactly like what I used to be like with my girlfriend, but unfortunately I wasn't so lucky to have a considerate girlfriend that would feel her thoughts might upset me. she got quite angry with me at one point, raised her voice and told me everything she had to say on the matter, which seems identical to what you had to say...bar the bedtime part. I didn't mind what she had to say as such, was more upset as to how she said it if you get me, but we have more problems than just that at this stage. i'm not an expert on relationships, but i think that if he is as loving and affectionate as you say, he should respect what you have to tell him and hopefully you could go about improving things

Monkey61

OP that sounds horribly irritating. I know some people act like that right at the start of dating someone, but to still act like that when he is actually your boyfriend is ridiculous.

I think you need to sit him down and explain exactly how much it is bothering you. Obviously be nice, but do make sure he knows that you find his inability to make decisions or take control a very unattractive trait. You need to really get it through to him that no decisions on plans for what to do etc that he makes are going to be bad ones. Tell him that if he suggests something that you don't want to do, that you will just tell him. That way he knows that when he suggests something and you agree, that you actually really want to do it and aren't just going along with it to make him happy.

As for the sex thing, why don't you tell him that you are going to have a night entirely devoted to him, where you are going to do whatever he wants and he isn't allowed to do stuff to you. It will shake him out of his comfort zone completely, but will give you a chance to show him how much you really enjoy making him happy. If he can see how much it turns you on to satisfy him, then it will help him be more enthusiastic about it in future.

Wibbs

IMHO in my experience, men being overly passive is much more of a dealbreaker for women in a relationship than women being overly passive(though that's not so good either). It's nada to do with dominance or any of that guff, it's down to equality and sharing of responsibility in a relationship. IMHO too many men are too passive and I would reckon a helluva lot of the time it's one reason their GF's suddenly lose the "spark" for them.

Its' going to be a hard nut to crack OP. If he's naturally passive or more likely insecure with women, or maybe he sees women as "different creatures" to men, then this will continue. If you tell him this is putting you off him, he may get more passive as he thinks this is what you really want. Hard one. Maybe rather than just telling him, show him. So say the next time you're going out, if he doesn't suggest somewhere, then you shouldn't take up the slack. Maybe tell him nicely "fine, well then when you have a suggestion get back to me" and go out with your mates instead. He may get the message that way. As I say, hard one.

Wagon

From his point of view he doesn't want to suggest something in case you have a bad time and he'll feel bad then. did you ever give him reason to think like this? As in, did you ever give him the silent treatment or fly of the handle when things didn't go your way?

Permabear

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LegacyUser

Maybe this lad IS just that laid back and doesn't really care what ye guys do. I'm like that. I've never been one for taking an interest in the ins and outs of fine food so I wouldn't have a clue about which restaurants are good or not so my reply when somebody asked me which one I wanted to go to would be "It's all the same to me". Similarly for cinema vistits and DVDs, I never really keep up with what the latest releases are about and I'm willing to give anything a look, if it's crap, it's crap, that's one crap movie out of the way that I won't have to see again.

Also, there is the thing that it's really early on in the relationship and whenever ye guys go out he's mind probably isn't on dinner, or the movie or whatever, he really doesn't give a hoot about any of that, it's on you, what you're saying, what you're doing and what's going to happen when ye get home.

I bet that if you asked him to make a decision about something he cared about, for me a holiday destination would be one I'd weigh in heavily on, I love travelling, he'd pipe up.

Permabear

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LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I'm glad alot of people can see how I find it a problem..I was worried I was being stupid thinking this way as I know alot of women would love a guy to treat them like that. I do appreciate that he cares so much and I know it would be so much worse the other way if he didn't care at all about me, but I do find this is getting to me!

Like Wibbs brought up I agree it's nothing to do with dominance.. but rather having a 50-50 relationship! I wouldn't like to be with somebody who only ever wanted to do his own thing, there has to be compromise!

I do get the feeling he's a bit insecure with women which probably does have something to do with it. But I'm (I like to think) an understanding person. I havn't and wouldn't give him the silent treatment or fly off the handle just because I don't get my way like Wagon said. I'm not that kind of person, if I don't enjoy something I don't enjoy it end of. It's nobodys fault! I've never given him any reason to make him think I'd act this way so I don't think that's it. Unless he had an ex-girlfriend who did???

I do like the idea of taking turns. But so far if I ever say to him it's his turn he just ends up not deciding anything! In these situations we usually end up just hanging around the house doing nothing in particular (which of course is nice sometimes!) if I don't think of something else to do. I will try to be a bit firmer though!!

I like the idea of a night just focused on him. Not sure how he'd take it though, like Monkey61 said I think he would be out of his comfort zone, but I'll just explain to him it's something I really want to do..

I know what Unregistered is saying about him being just laid back and honestly not minding about what we do because I'm a bit like that too, as long as I'm with him it's good. But at the same time I realise that me being like that wouldn't do anything for the relationship and i wish he'd put a little bit more effort in!

Anyway thanks again to you all for the replies. I'm a bit clearer about what I should do now. I wouldn't want this to end up being a "dealbreaker" as Wibbs put it because everything else in our relationship is great so hopefully this can be sorted out!

Wibbs

donegalfella wrote: »

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Exactly. The joke is the boor will tend to attract more women, especially younger women, who may have never met a secure man, mainly because he gives some of the signals of a secure man(knows what he wants and states this. Is a sexual being. Has boundaries etc).

At the end of the day, there actually is no conflict. A man can be self-assured and decisive while still being well-mannered and gracious.

+1000

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about your concerns, explaining to him that it would delight you to see him taking a larger role in the relationship. To ease him into the idea, why not focus on the basic idea of "taking turns"? For every time you choose a restaurant, a film, or an activity, he has to reciprocate. Extend this to sex—for every time the focus is on you, there has to be another occasion where the focus is entirely on him.

This is a v good idea. I would add as part of this that when he doesn't go along with this, he needs to see some sort of penalty though. If not you may well find yourself back to square one as you give into him. I know it sounds a lot like "training" the guy and essentially it is, but unfortunately it's down to you as he's not gotten training elsewhere when younger. Either from previous GF's or other men. IMHO more men need the edges knocked off them and polished than women. As donegalfella men get very mixed signals nowadays and that does lead to an either or situation with many of them. It also hits their confidence and security. This tends to make women leave them, which feeds it more and more. I would say when women say "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" a helluva lot of the time this passivity is the reason. Women I know that have left guys like that have told me they don't know why they suddenly felt that way as the guy had so many good points etc, but a lot of the times it was his passivity. I can well understand why too. After all you're not his ma and it gets old real quickly if you feel like you have to train him or are left doing all the running. IMHO women will get irritated with this far more than men. I've seen couples where it has worked with a passive guy, but in those cases the woman was just more naturally dominant(for want of a better word) and that's cool too. We differ as much as individuals than we do as genders.

LegacyUser

donegalfella wrote: »

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To a degree, for instance my gf comes along with me to the pub sometimes to watch champions league games. She has no interest in the game AT ALL. But if she's at a loose end for the evening she'll come along and spend time with me while I'm doing something that I really enjoy while she has no feeling on it either way, she knows that it's something I like to do and enjoys spending time with me while I'm doing it. Again, she's ultra laid back too. I don't see that I necessarily have to be TOO bothered about where we're eating or what we're viewing, we'll find something of interest to talk about in whatever we do. Although "War and Peace" would be a step too far for me, I'd just politely make my excuses and get down to some study or something.

Wagon

AlwaysChoosing wrote: »

I havn't and wouldn't give him the silent treatment or fly off the handle just because I don't get my way like Wagon said. I'm not that kind of person, if I don't enjoy something I don't enjoy it end of. It's nobodys fault! I've never given him any reason to make him think I'd act this way so I don't think that's it.

Cool!

Unless he had an ex-girlfriend who did???

This never occurred to me. It's very possible that he could be just carrying baggage from a previous relationship. Everyone does. Or maybe you are his first real girlfriend and he loves you and is afraid of losing you.

Anyway, have a chat with him and get him out of the comfort zone. It's a crappy little place to be and stops people trying new things. He sounds nice, so I'm pretty sure you just need to coax it a little before he answers truthfully but it's not something to break up over. It's just something that needs a little mending.

Humria

I've been the passive person in a relationship before and it was really just down to insecuity and inexperience. He may not trust his own judgement in choosing somewhere to eat/go and thinks if you choose the place you'll be happy. I think it may just be better just to be blunt (in a nice way of course).

This is what I'd suggest:
Tell him that him the fact he is choosing makes you more satisfied than anywhere you could choose yourself. Promise to tell him if you don't like the choice and if you don't then let him make another suggestion. That way he'll trust you are happy (and aren't just saying you are) and he can relax more.

As for sex, maybe ask him how he would like it if you were constantly asking him about his orgasm? I don't mean being harsh but maybe it'll help him see that it's putting too much pressure to achieve the end goal. Maybe explain that it'll be much more enjoyable for you if ye didn't focus on it? I think phrasing things in terms of your enjoyment will make him pay more attention.

Good luck with it anyway.

irish_ninja

confront him!

Snowie

hey Op are you his first girlfriend as in propper girl friend ?

seanybiker

maybe the chap is telling the truth and is just so happy with you he doesnt mind watching whatever or eating wherever.
The orgasm thing I wouldnt worry about. I used to be like that meself. Only thinking bout the lacks pleasure and making sure she got everything. Then I'd have my turn. It does sound funny but nowadays I just get on with it and we both have fun. Its probably just a phase he is going through or he is listening to his mates going on about doing it all night without a break and their lacks crying with pleasure.
Its only a new relationship so give him time.

banana66

Tell him you were thinking of his friend and maybe he will wise up