Please, tell me what to do. Please.

LegacyUser

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We are both 20. I go to college, he doesn't. However, he lives in the area and I go to college close to home so we see each other on the weekends, occasionally.

My problems are- his future, appreciation issues, respect, our future.

His future- He did not graduate from high school. And he refuses to get his GED, even when I tell him that's all I want for my birthday or Christmas. I understand that is a personal issue he has to deal with, but its unfair to me. It's just a piece of paper. Many of our arguments stem from this. He has a job and works full time, he isn't lazy. He's just unmotivated. His parents spoil him. He lives with them and they occasionally pay his bills/car insurance. He sometimes has financial issues. He is, however, a mechanical genius. He can disassemble and reassemble a car in minutes. He knows the ins and outs and all abouts of a car. And yet he REFUSES to go to a trade school and pick up a trade. Sad to say, I have given up on him for his future and even played with the idea of supporting him. Stupid, I know. I just decided to focus on me and my career instead.

Appreciation/Respect- He does nothing to show he loves me. We hardly go out. Once in a blue moon MAYBE. And it's always what he wants to do. He refuses to go to shows with me, won't go to museums and won't do anything that I would like. I usually give in and do what he wants for going out if and when we do. His current thing is bowling, which I suggested before but he always said no to. Now, I always do things to make him happy. I buy him the best presents like Zippo lighters (he collects them), Lacoste cologne, clothing and gift cards. For our year anniversary, I got him IMAX tickets to see Batman opening night- best seats in the house. He asked if the other ticket was for me? Uh Duh? Maybe he was kidding. He paid for dinner though, but only because I reminded him what the day was. I spoil him too. And I know he is tight on cash sometimes, but when he does have it he spends it on such stupid things. Or he will go out to eat, bowl or watch movies with his friends. And this happens nearly every payday. In public, he won't even hold my hand. Kisses are rare, hugs rarer. He's all up for sex though and is cuddly before and the perfect gentlemen before. But after, we sleep separately, apart. He won't cuddle. He won't hang out with me. If anything I see him once or twice over the weekend. If I ask to see him over the week- won't happen.
When I text him I love him, there's a 50% he won't respond. He won't buy me flowers. Nothing.

Us/Our future- He is a good person. He doesn't lie or cheat. He is open and frank and caring to a point. He doesn't mean to be like this, I know, because- no offense- he's just a boy. Maybe I'm asking too much? But I just want to be loved. Every time I talk to him/take a break he freaks out and is a perfect gentleman- and our break only lasts like 2 days because we really do love each other. He is funny and fun, and he cares about me. He just wants to do what he wants and is very self centered. He shows he cares in weird ways, but sometimes its there. He bought me a motorcycle helmet for my birthday. His parents love me. I'm afraid to lose them. I don't know, I just don't know what to do. As for future, I hope we can have one on good days, but have a feeling we won't. I am double majoring, I am going to grad school, I am sort of a smart cookie, but clueless when it comes to this emotional mess. I'm only human. I will have a future and a career (who knows with this economy)- and he's going to have it rough. I don't want to be spotting my partner money. I don't want to be the only breadwinner.

In a way, it's abuse I put myself in.
I know, I know.


I am desperate for input. Please.

bluecell99

Probably what you dont want to hear but here goes.He is very young.So are you.You want different things it seems,than him.You are taking a serious,long-term view - he does not see the need for it,yet.He is working and maybe does not think that things have to change.He is happy at home,maybe taking thnigs for granted with yourself and cant see any problems.

Were you aware of problems before now?Why the realisations and issues at this point?Do you think you are changing and he is not keeping up?

Again going back to your age maybe its too much too soon?If you are suited in every way then you have to choose whether you can live with the drawbacks as you see them?Or do you need a break?

Certainly talk to him and look for answers.But my guess is you wont like what you hear and maybe his aspirations just dont match your ambitions.

Perhaps you are just moving into a different phase?

No easy answer here.But reflect on yourself a bit and turn the spotlight on your plans.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank bluecell. Maybe it's not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to.

I do love him, and he me. And his friends say I am perfect, and often scold him- but to no avail. He is young, I am young.
Perhaps our paths are splitting

I am just a wreck because I don't want to lose him, but don't feel its fair to feel this way any more.

LegacyUser

OP Again.

I just texted him seeing if we could hang out and maybe talk. ABout us, about stuff, about this and about that. Of course I wouldn't lay it all out on him, let him speak first gently what he expects and tell him how I feel- which would be a repeat of previous times.

He is ignoring me now and upset. He's said "GOODNIGHT" when it is only 5- when he does this it means he is mad and won't be calling me to say goodnight like he does every night.

I shouldn't be guilty for how I feel, should I?

Wibbs

Guilt isn't the emotion I would be feeling. I would be feeling bloody frustrated and angry frankly. I would also be asking myself why, even if he has his good points, why would be putting up with so many of his bad points. Which are legion.

King of Kings

wibbs - I don't understand - what problems are legion?

He is a 20 year old guy being pressured into making life changing decisions by a gf with a "vision" for the future that unfortunately for him includes him.

OP it's your vision of what's perfect not his. He probably (like a lot of irish men) just wants a life of peace and qt.
He is probably pushing against this corralling (is that the word?) along this plan you have for him. He prob lacks the maturity (not his fault v.few have this at 20) to say "S L O W the **** down.....stop mapping out the perfect life for me..... i wanna drink beer and watch the game"
and any sign of romance on his will prob only encourage you so he backs off.
I know I would.

At 20 I dunno what you're on about talking about the breadwinner and stuff like that - have you mentioned even living together??


methinks you've actually outgrown each other getting together young and in adulthood you realise that you are not compatible.

kwalshe

Hi OP,
You sound like a very level headed and patient girl, I don't think 20 is too young to be looking forward and thinking about your future. Besides you don't mention any commitment , be it marraige or sharing house etc. you just want some attention and affection.
Your other half sounds decent but you should stop making excuses for him, I don't believe you are asking too much, and maybe you should think about yourself and what you wan't. Do you still want to be in the same situation in 5 years time looking back at this thread thinking , I've just wasted 5 yrs of my life.
We all wish (Irish men) could take it easy but unfortunatly life is a little bit more complicated than that.... We all have a responsibility to live life for ourselves and the people we are connected to.

Just maybe think about yourself 100% for a change and explain some home truths to him on how you see the picture unfolding.. Good luck

Nitxteha

You guys are very young. However, you sound more mature than your boyfriend. Is it your first serious boyfriend?

If he doesn't treat you like a princess when you are dating, what would happen in the future if you decided to take a further step? It looks like you are giving much more than you are receiving and that's not fair. Don't try to excuse his attitude, I'm sure he's a good person as you say, but his attitude towards you is just not right.

Maybe you want to see someone in him that is not really him. People don't change, they may "adapt" to their partners, but they don't change.

Consider that your time may be up and there may be other people waiting for you, someone who is more like you and more like the person you want to share your time/life with

LegacyUser

OP it would be nice if he went back to college. You should try and talk to him again without putting on any pressure.

However not everybody is suited to college. They just dont like written work or studying.

kevmy

You're both young and the same age but not necessarily in the same place. You have gone to college and are thinking about grad school. This means you had to put some serious thought into your future ass regards career etc. He's working and making money but hasn't gone to college so he thinks he's fine.
Personally I think your right about him going to get trade qualifications but he may be thinking about a possible drop in salary, why rock the boat when things are going fine etc. You should ask him what he sees in his future - with or without you. What does he want to do? Where does he want to be? If he hasn't thought about it ask him to. Just to see where he is.

As for the stuff like him living at home, family spoiling him, him going out with his mates. That stuff is because he's 20. That's what most guys want to do when they're 20. I wouldn't get too worried about it. From your post there isn't much to suggest he doesn't respect you either but rather he doesn't show it well. Perhaps again this is something he will grow out of but perhaps not.

On a wider note I think it is often difficult for couples who get together young/in school to stay together especially when one goes to college or moves away etc. When people are young they want to experiment and haven't got much experience of relationships and what it takes to keep them going. Both people having different experiences so they are formed in different ways. Not to say it can't work but I do think it is one of the main reasons why most people don't meet their partner until they are at least 21/22

Oh The Humanity

His parents spoil him. He lives with them and they occasionally pay his bills/car insurance.

Listen OP, you two are too different to make it.

You are quite serious and already planning for a a big grown up adult future. You are also quite emotional and needy.

He is spolit, self suiting, cold and his plans at present include hedonism and not having his head wrecked by responsibility.

There is nothing wrong with either stance, but they are diametrically opposed.

You are self reliant, he is spoilt. When he hears things he doesn't like he has a tamtrum, because thats been a successful strategy for him in his home life.

Look, you are young and emotional. You are wracked with angst over detactching yourself from him. Its not that bad, life is going to be very hurty if you two try to stay together.

He doesn't really appreciate he is causing you pain and he doesn't really care either OP. The fact that he wont show you physical affection in public and ignores you after sex is very bad.

I dont expect you to listen to any of this as I cant put an old head on young shoulders, but you will save yourself a lot of tears and humiliation if you get out of this relationship.

You really are a lamb to the slaughter at the moment, you ask to talk about stuff, he replies goodnight, you are then wracked with guilt......!!! oh the humanity!

Wibbs

King of Kings wrote: »

wibbs - I don't understand - what problems are legion?

Under the OP's paragraph of Appreciation/Respect. He doesn't seem to be keeping his end up of the romantic relationship bits. The "future" part has some issues, but as you say he's only 20 and that will come in time. People have different priorities and I get your point about being corralled into things by what he sees as a "pushy" GF. I know I would have at 20. Hell I don't like being pushed now TBH. But even then I would have been more involved on the everyday too and fro romance side.

cantdecide

You probably don't realise how young you really are right now. He really is taking you for granted and he probably isn't as mature and evolved as you are at the moment.

Despite the propaganda, your life isn't over if you don't get a third level education at the correct time. I wouldn't push this just now- he might eventually get it together but he won't until he wants it himself. When he sees himself as part of a 'we' instead of an 'I'.

If you generally enjoy your relationship, I would try to show him that he's not treating you well. If he continues to treat you in an uncaring/ disrespectful then the ball will be in your court then.

Ultimately, neither of you are going to be the same person or want the same things forever. You can legislate for that now but nothing is set in stone.

LegacyUser

Op here. I just want to take the time to thank all of you- really now. It means a lot. Its hard to speak about it, because most people don't want to hear it or give half witted advice. The folks want him out, the friends want us together. And we have many mutual friends.

This will take time and a lot of deep thought.

Sometimes you don't realize things until someone takes your hand and shows you.

Thank you all.