I kind of fancy my housemate, what do I do?

G-Money

Howdy,

Bit of a tricky situation. I share with two others, one male, one female and I fancy the girl. I've been living here for about 8 or 9 months at this stage and nothing has ever happened between us. When I moved in she was sort of seeing someone, then broke up. Then I was sort of seeing someone and then wasn't.

It's a tricky situation and I'm not sure what to do about it, especially as I've no idea if she is interested. She hasn't said anything but occasionally she comes into my room to chat to me. Last night she came in to drop off a couple of dvds and was wearing a very revealing tank top as she was getting ready for bed. She's not stupid so I'm sure she must have know my eyes would be popping out of my head.

When I think about that, I reckon it doesn't seem like such a big deal. On the other hand I know she never goes into the other guys room to chat to him. Also the girl I was sort of seeing a few months ago was convinced that my housemate liked me. I'm not sure if she was right though, she only met her the once and wasn't around her long enough to know.

I'm kind of thinking about moving out and getting my own place so I figure if I move out, I won't lose anything by making a move after I'm gone. What do I do in the mean time though? If I end up not moving out, how could I make a move and not have it backfire if she's not interested?

Thoughts and advice please

Vanbis

If you can why dont you offer to cook dinner one night when you know just the two of you are home and other house mate is out and get a bottle of wine and after you getting talking and relax after a one or two glasses just ask if she'd like to go for a drink this week just the two of you, just a suggestion but something along those lines or just come out and ask her.

G-Money

Nice suggestion Vanbis. I'm just not sure what would happen if I did make a move and she said no. It's going to be insanely awkward and will no doubt mean I have to move out either way.

PCPhoto

I'm guessing you are a grown man and could deal with a rejection from a flatmate .... if you put this into a pub situation:

ie. you regularly goto the same pub (with friends) and you and some of your friends think the barmaid likes you....unsure if you should make a move..... if you do:

and she rejects !

Do you refuse to goto that pub again with your mates ? NO WAY !! you suck it up and get on with life.

just ask her if she wants to come out with your and mates sometime....or do as other poster says and get a bottle of wine and movie etc etc.

Vanbis

grandmaster wrote: »

Nice suggestion Vanbis. I'm just not sure what would happen if I did make a move and she said no. It's going to be insanely awkward and will no doubt mean I have to move out either way.

I think that would depend on her reaction to your proposal and if she said no then things might be a bit akward between you for a while but that would be normal and expected. What have you got to lose, forget the meal that might be a step to far just ask her if she'd like to go for a drink with you this weekend.

G-Money

It's a tricky one. She's foreign so sometimes I think she is just being friendly and it's just us stupid Irish who automatically think its more

Regarding the wine and a film, sure things were set up for me over the weekend and I did nothing. She was sick all weekend and the other guy was away so it was just the two of us here. She rented a few films and said she was putting them on if I wanted to watch them with her. So I did. Nothing happened though.

Boston

What's she chatting to you about? If its boys then you're firmly a friends, potential one who she views as gay or sexually neutral.

G-Money

She almost never mentions boys to me. I think in the whole time I've lived here, she might have mentioned them two or three times. A few months ago she brought one of her friends over who I fancied. I was texting her about something and I asked if her friend was single and she never replied. I suspect she didn't like me asking that, but am not sure why. I think/thought she was back with that guy at the time so I figured it didn't matter.

Vanbis

Just ask her out for a drink and if she seems a bit shocked or taken back tell her to think about and at least your not putting her on the spot or awkward position either.

G-Money

Slight update on this front.

I still haven't asked her out yet. I've decided to move out and I'm actively looking for a place and once I get that sorted, I will probably ask her out. This means I have about a month of keeping this a secret until I finally move out. My reason for doing so is that if she says yes, it will be a bit weird going out and us living together. If she says no, it will be horrifically awkward and I'd have to move out anyway.

I'd been thinking about getting my own place for a while and starting to like her kind of decided it for me.

In the meantime, I need some opinions. We've kind of been getting more chatty recently and a bit closer I think. A few weeks ago we were talking about a bar in town that I liked and she asked me had I been there recently and I said I hadn't but I must go back there soon. We kept chatting about different stuff then about half an hour later she brought it up again and said her work kind of has Friday drinks there and I should come along sometime. A week or so later we were talking about something and out of the blue she asked me if I was going to see a film that was coming out in the cinema. I said I might do, I hadn't decided and she said she wanted to see it. In my head it felt like she was saying "Ask me out" but being me, I said nothing as usual! Then a couple of days ago she mentioned the cinema again and was talking about a different film (Star Trek). She's not a fan of it but had heard good things about it and said if I wanted to go, she could go with me. However I was going home for the weekend and she knew that and she said something like "But don't let me stop you going if you want to go see it at the weekend."

I've been going home this last few weeks and she's been quite inquisitive, asking if I was going home, when I'd be back and what I'd be doing when I am home.

Now I don't know if I should take any of these "invites" as more than her being friendly/being a housemate. I think I mentioned before that she's foreign so while I think if an Irish girl acted this way I'd be reasonably sure she was interested, because she's not Irish, I think it might just be her way of being friendly.

As I say, maybe I've convinced myself that she might be interested and am using these as evidence that she is.

What do you think? Until I ask her, I won't know for sure but I can't really do that just yet. It would be nice to get a rough idea beforehand what to expect when I do finally ask.

sxt

She has asked you out twice already lol !!!!


Go see star trek with her !!

G-Money

sxt wrote: »

She has asked you out twice already lol !!!!

I can see why you'd say that But at the same time I'm not sure it's asking me out like as a date, or just being friendly. She's a very bubbly friendly girl and I think she has the odd male friend who she goes places with. So maybe I'm just the same?

I plan to ask her along to Star Trek this week. I will probably be fairly disappointed though if she suggests we bring the other housemate along

zxcvbnm1

sxt wrote: »

She has asked you out twice already lol !!!!

Slow down - that is serioulsy jumping the gun.

Flatmates normally end up doing things like going to the movies or to the pub together.

That doesn't mean they are on dates.

G-Money

My head is fried from all of this. I don't know what to think.

I'm keeping my options open anyway as I'm meeting up with another girl this week. I don't really want to put my limited dating life on hold for my housemate when I don't even know if she's interested. I figure thats the best way to "protect" myself in-case it turns out she just see's me as a friend.

I'm kind of at the point where I am avoiding being there at weekend's incase she brings some guy home as I know that would make me unhappy.

sxt

I think your thinking about this way too much

Go to the cinema with her and drinks on a friday and have fun , what will be will be

Kirnsy

iask her if she'd rather just the two of you or should you invite someone else.

if she stops and says..".well which would you rather?"...you say "JUST THE TWO OF US" (or words to that effect.)....then you know where you stand!

but if she suggests bringing other people along....then its probably not a date.:P

G-Money

I think if she suggested bringing others along, I'd lose interest in going to be honest.

sxt

grandmaster wrote: »

My head is fried from all of this. I don't know what to think.

I'm keeping my options open anyway as I'm meeting up with another girl this week. I don't really want to put my limited dating life on hold for my housemate when I don't even know if she's interested. I figure thats the best way to "protect" myself in-case it turns out she just see's me as a friend.

I'm kind of at the point where I am avoiding being there at weekend's incase she brings some guy home as I know that would make me unhappy.

I think you should concentrate on one girl at at time. Don't play it too cool.

Youve said your self that "you are getting closer" with your flatmate so why ruin it?


I think it is time to make it obvious as hell that you fancy her and see how she reacts , Friday night drinks is perfect.

Would you not feel better knowing one way or the other?

G-Money

I would rather know one way or the other. I've come close to asking her a few times and the only reason I've held back is the fact that we live together and I didn't fancy a month or more of awkwardness (until I moved out) if she said no.

The only reason I'm considering other girls is that I made the mistake of putting all my eggs in one basket before regarding a girl I liked and nothing happened. I ended up feeling like I'd wasted loads of time and energy focusing on just one girl.

benj

Grandmaster....WHAT are you waiting for? a written invitation?
GO TO THE CINEMA WITH HER TONIGHT.......
DRINKS after...you will know tonight if you have a future together
or not...
if things dont work out, at least you know you tried..
he who dares......
Good luck

papazen

it seems to mew that you already have a romantic relationship with her. a romantic friendship.

it can be very hard to move in for the killer kiss if you live together and you are used to being in each others' personal space without being intimate. and it's hard to cross the kiss barrier. i don't think that trying to make a move on her on a night in with a bottle of wine in the house is a good idea - you are used to being 'just friends' in this environment.

you should be jumping at opportunities to go to the pub with her. you will be out of familiar settings and it will be much easier to take a new direction with your relationship.

do you want to tell her that you like her? or would you prefer to just try and kiss her?

G-Money

I won't be back to the apartment until tomorrow evening so nothing can happen tonight.

I really don't know where I stand. I kind of wish we didn't live together as that way I could just ask and if it backfires, it wouldn't matter.

I kind of just want to ask her out and let her know I like her. Things are at a fairly early stage for me (I'm not head over heels or anything). I just kind of feel like there's an attraction developing but I've no clue if it's mutual. My radar for these things can be very unreliable.

LegacyUser

She's foreign, okay, so has no weekend trips home like you do! So here's the solution, why not suggest she see's a bit more of Ireland by coming down to your home town for the weekend and you'll put her up.....and say 'We can see the movie there!!'.
There'll be no chance of her brining any friends along, and you'll be going as 'flatmates'. The ball will be in her court then, if she accepts it may be a case of her just being friendly but at least that will give her 2 days "with you" allowing her to show her true feelings!
If she fancies you then she'll know why you asked her, if she doesn't she'll see it as you just being friendly!

zxcvbnm1

Unregistered wrote: »

She's foreign, okay, so has no weekend trips home like you do! So here's the solution, why not suggest she see's a bit more of Ireland by coming down to your home town for the weekend and you'll put her up.....and say 'We can see the movie there!!'.
There'll be no chance of her brining any friends along, and you'll be going as 'flatmates'. The ball will be in her court then, if she accepts it may be a case of her just being friendly but at least that will give her 2 days "with you" allowing her to show her true feelings!
If she fancies you then she'll know why you asked her, if she doesn't she'll see it as you just being friendly!

That's not a bad plan actually.
You could invite her in teh next few days and arrange for it to happen after you leave teh house.

Then deoending on how that trip goes you could ask her out afterwards.

No offence man, from the description you've given of her, a worst case scenario wouldn't result in you having to move out or anything anyway.


From the description you've given of her, if she's not interested, I'm sure she'll be nice about it. I don't think she's going to laugh in your face and then run to the nearest phone book so she can ring everyone you know and tell them what a loser you are for asking her.



Thinking about this realistically (and not in a cartoonishly exaggerated kinda way) what actually is the worst that can happen?


Buy a local newspaper or something. and next time you see her, without saying it directly to her, make a passing mention (pretend you're talking to yourself even) that there's a film on you want to see. If she mentions that she has an interest in it too, then just say in a joking kinda manner that you should go together. Seen as she has already expressed an interest in going with you already (even if you felt she wasn't asking you out as such, she still made it clear she'd like to do at least spend more time with you).

Then when you're at the cinema, quietly stick a gun to her ribs and tell her you're now together. Either that, or do what I'd do, and sit awkwardly through the film monitoring her every move, hoping she will do something first.


In my experience, you can get away with saying anything to her, as long as you say it right. For example, if she comes into your room again in her 'very revealing tanktop', make a comment. It doesn't have to be a dead-serious, grizzly comment that makes you sound like some kind of perverted ass hole. Just make a comment about her tanktop/breasts, but do so in a very jokingly, sarcastic manner. That way when she replies to you, you're after leaving the conversation wide open so she can ignore your comment, laugh it off, or get more serious about what you mean.


I've done it a few times, and it's always worked for me (well... even if it never worked how i'd like it to, they never thought i was an prick or anything). I'd give an example, but when you're writing/reading it, it's much different than saying it, so I'm bound to sound like a complete moron on here (and I'm sure I already do sound like a prick in this reply).


Regardless of my terrible advice, best of luck with this man. But whatever you, even if you think you're guaranteed a no, ask her out before you leave. When you've missed your chance, the "what if" thought is the worst thing in the world.

Taltos

Hi OP,

the longer you hang around wondering if you should... the more likely it is if she is interested - is that she will assume you are not and will move on.

Seriously what have you go to lose - worst case you will be embarrased - but that all depends on you. Sometimes you just gotta take the gamble, it might not pay off - but it could you know

I know about waiting too long as I nearly did... By the time I asked her out she had just about given up and was moving on...

If she is as great a catch as you think it is only a matter of time before someone else approaches her.

benj

Unregistered wrote: »

She's foreign, okay, so has no weekend trips home like you do! So here's the solution, why not suggest she see's a bit more of Ireland by coming down to your home town for the weekend and you'll put her up.....and say 'We can see the movie there!!'.
There'll be no chance of her brining any friends along, and you'll be going as 'flatmates'. The ball will be in her court then, if she accepts it may be a case of her just being friendly but at least that will give her 2 days "with you" allowing her to show her true feelings!
If she fancies you then she'll know why you asked her, if she doesn't she'll see it as you just being friendly!

this idea won't work because she will be isolated from her surrondings
and if it went sour it would be a very long trip back :eek:

G-Money

The idea about the home town thing is a nice one but unfortunately it's completely impractical for various reasons, especially as we are still in the "housemate" zone.

Anyway I was onto her today via email (I may not see her tonight) and basically told her I was definitely going to be moving out within the next 4-6 weeks. I'm guessing she is probably a bit put out by that as it will mean she will have to look for a new housemate or move out herself. So I will let the dust settle regarding that. Plus I have plans tomorrow night with another girl so I want to wait and see how that goes and then take it from there. It's not that either are a "backup" or 2nd best but I've made plans to meet this girl tomorrow night and I might as well go through with it and see how it goes.

Regarding making a comment about her top, unfortunately she hasn't been into my room with it on recently. It was definitely more than an eyeful that night anyway