Self-harm,how to help?

punchdrunk

I'm not even going to bother going unreg for this but basically today i had a good chat on facebook with an old friend who i haven't seen in a long time,but kept in touch with via the web/text etc

anyway while chatting she mentioned that she recently cut herself and has done before,which kinda shocked me at first (she's usually very bubbly and chatty) but at the same time i can sort of see why because she's had a rough time of it lately (i won't go into too much detail)

this is my first time to encounter this,and i really would like to help a mate out...
but really my question is am i deluded to think i can help at all?
has anyone been in a situation like this and have good advice to give?
i know when my folks split most people's awkward words of reassurance "ah sure it'll be grand" just made things worse
that seems to pale in comparison to her situation
so I can only imagine how useless most people will seem because they haven't been in this boat themselves
I don't want to sound patronising or wheel out the same old platitudes
is there anything you can do to really,genuinely help?

Dr4gul4

If you want the honest truth, no there isnt a single thing you can do, if this person ) wants to cut his/her self then they will.

The only thing you can do is provide positive re-enforcement reminding them that they can over come this terrible disease.

Also you could suggest some counselling, but that all depends on how comfortable you feel with this person and how he/she will react to you saying this.

Eric Cartman

theres nothing you can do, my sister knows a girl who deos this and even brings a scalpel to college and does it there, could this be an attention thing or do you actually think she has problems, if you suspect its an attention thing (tells everyone shes doing it etc...) then ignore the issue and change topic when it comes up, if you think its an underlying problem try to solve that problem and the cutting may stop as a result

Dr4gul4

Careful now, it's not always attention seeking, and the big problem is a lot of people make that mistake and think it's only attention seeking.

Cutting is more to do with dealing with stress or intense emotion, the patient cuts them self and immediately feels a release.

Counselling to deal with it really is needed

punchdrunk

cheers lads,
no i don't think it's an attention thing at all
i'd hazard a guess,(and i don't want to sound like I'm an expert on my mates life in any sense) that it's several things that have built up over time
at home,in work and with friends that have gotten too much
thats the jist anyway
she's mention going to see a psychiatrist soon,which i'll do my best to encourage

Nevyn

http://www.pieta.ie/

punchdrunk

Thaedydal wrote: »

http://www.pieta.ie/

thanks thaed

LegacyUser

Hi,

Its such a common thing nowadays,

I had a thing where i pulled out all my eyelashes since i was a kid, it was similar in that i couldnt stop and it was a release of anxiety to pick pick pick at something!

There is guilt and shame involved, I did it because i was expressing all the dysfunctional issues in my home around me, i didnt know the root cause till later,

I was in therapy anyway but i also sought hypnotherapy to help and i havent pulled at them since, but each person is different and patterns of behaviour become safe for people and the thoughts of having to change and confront something is terrifying.

Gently helping a friend into therapy is the way but you have to be cautious of knowing how ready she is to deal with it.

Good luck, and its nice to be concerned for your friend.

LegacyUser

People who self harm keep their self-harm secret - even from friends or family. They feel so ashamed, guilty or bad that you can't face talking about it.
They hide the evidence from the people close to them .
To announce this on facebook while having a chat with an old friend does not fit the pattern of a self harmer ,

I hate to say this but this person does appear to be looking for attention from you .
I am betting she is constantly looking for your attention perhaps an old girlfriend who can’t handle the fact that you have moved on and are happy in your life.
I am betting that she is constantly having a little crisis and seeking your help and/or advice. She is probably in constant contact about how bad you she feels and bad her life is constantly looking for attention and pity .
She obviously has some mental disorder but I doubt it is related to self harm . She should go see her GP .
I strongly believe that she is manipulating you and I would advise that you gently tell her that she seek medical advice and then remove her from your life , You are not responsible for her emotional stability . I would get out fast before she starts affecting your mental health and your future relationships

LegacyUser

Hi I read your post and thought I'd comment,
I have a problem with what you were talking about myself, and I cant speak for everyone that does it, because I barely understand it myself. I would back up what most people are saying on here is that it is most definately not an attention seeking thing. That is a major part of the shame that comes into it, that someone would judge and think its just for attention seeking purposes, because it goes so much deeper than that.
I can however understand how she might have ended up telling you about it, from my own experience, it happens when under a great amount of distress and upset. So whenever it happens it seems outside of my control, and it's hard to remember after the whole episode is over with, because when the upset is gone, you're back to normal and so you're like a different person, if you follow?
So perhaps she was feeling more herself when she told you about it, like she was more distant from the cutting mind frame so there was less self blame attatched.
There's nothing really you can say to help her, because it's so easy to say you'll stop when you're feeling grand! But maybe just mention the councelling as another outlet for her to talk to.The non-judgemental aspect of it really is a positive thing, and it would help to start go through the underlying issues.
Best of luck :)

LegacyUser

First of all if you know someone who is a genuine sufferer of this condition then I feel for you and your friend and I hope that she gets the help she needs . But ask yourself why this person so flippantly announced she had this issue on chat on facebook . Seriously? This person is an attention seeker.I am basing this on a past experience I had with an ex of my BF. They were going out for around six months she finished the relationship from what he says he was pretty cut up about it and it took him quite a while to get over it . Then we met . She heard about this through friends and hey presto she wants to be friends with him again. Basically once she discovered he was happy and moving on she reinvolved herself in his life through seeking his help for crisis after crisis. Constantly looking for his help saying how hard her life was etc , etc then it would swing around to flirting with him and back again to the oh poor me scenario. It was a tactic of hers to keep control over him . It took him a while to realise that he was being manipulated . She had told several people about her self harm issue this is straight away a red flag genuine suffers are very secretive about their condition . They only evidence of her self harming was plasters on her arms!!!!!!! Genuine suffers do their upmost to hide the fact that they self harm they generally do not do any thing to draw attention to their wounds. Certainly not putting several plasters on both arms and then parading herself around . He cut her out of his life and we moved on together ..Tell her to seek medical help and then run very fast and very far away this person is toxic

LegacyUser

Not all self-harmers keep it to themselves. My friend is a self-harmer and has been cutting herself to ribbons for about 9 years (she is 44). She is in therapy, and her therapist in my opinion is completely useless.

I don't feel she told me to get attention, I feel she told me because she trusts me and was so despairing she needed to let someone aside from her therapist know about it.

I too would love input on how to support her.

Nevyn

There is a difference between someone who is under the care of a professional and dealing with this issue talking to a friend about it and someone who is not seeking help and is not in a processes of dealing with this issue and it's underlying root causes talking about it with people.

There comes a time where yes ok fine they are talking about it but they are not talking about it to the right people, the people who will help them, the people who will get them to enguage in a therapeutic process. I will listen to my friends problem to a point after that I will not let my listening be used as procrastination so they feel better about themselves with out ever dealing properly with what is going on.

LegacyUser

Its true that not all self harmers keep this issue to them self’s but this is generally done with a close friend and in the context of a heart to heart conversation . I do find it strange that this person told an old friend on face book that they had a problem like this . And I have to agree that you should be wary of this person and consider the facts before letting this upset you & involving yourself in her life . for example does she openly talk about this to whoever will listen ? How many people has she told ? This are all indications of attention seeking . Do you go running every time this person has an episode ? If this is the case then I would urge you to consider the fact that if she is self harming at all it is not because she uses this to deal with stress or intense emotion but rather as a means to control you . I would also like to mention Co-dependency here Do you feel the need to take care of someone else,ignoring your personal needs values and rights? Codependent people gain their self confidence from the feeling of being needed by others and that’s why their main focus is to let others need them. A codependent relationship is anything but a healthy relationship. You should really consider your own mental health here when it comes to this person, hard as it may seem it may be time to cut ties and look after yourself . Tell her to seek professional help you are not responsible for her.

LegacyUser

I self harmed for years, the only time I told anyone was when I was sick and tired of hiding the scars (wearing jumpers round the clock) and just wanted to put on a god damn t shirt! I was pretty sure I wouldnt do it again. I had hid the scars for years and finally showed them (on purpose but made it look like an accident, I didnt want attention even then) to get it out in the open, maybe she was doing that too?? Now people know I did it and I dont feel like I need to hide that I used to cut, its pretty obvious unfortuatly, people still comment on the scars but not much, I cant help it now and I couldnt then, I just wanted to get on with life without hiding..thats why I told my family and friends. Maybe thats the case here. As it turns out someone once recommended an amazing scar reduction sillocone bandage that reduced their appearance greatly. So that was good!

I do know others who self harmed in public for the attention thing, but never too much and never too deep.

Redpunto

It really does sound attention seeking - to tell you out of the blue like that, especially since you havent had recent contact with her? Sounds a bit strange.

LegacyUser

I also have to agree here that this seems to be attention seeking in this case . I don't want to make little of what is a very serious mental illness that requires professional help . But this does seem to be a bit strange to drop this on you on face book with no recent contact other then by text or on the web? . my sister had a problem with this for years but she hid it so well we had no idea . Jumpers long sleves etc. never putting her self in a situation where any one could see her arms or any other part of her body . People who suffer with this do tend to hide their scars and these scars are often numerous and deep. Have you seen evidence of this behaviour from her in the past or have you noticed any scars ? This person does appear to be using this to her own ends what ever they may be and would seriously consider ending your friendship with her . Its is a very difficult situation to be in I know advise her to get her some self help. i think it is irrelevant weather or not she cuts herself or not she obviously has serious issues and needs to a least discuss them with her GP

sam34

she's mention going to see a psychiatrist soon,which i'll do my best to encourage

OP, i think thats all you can do, tbh.

it's not right, and essentially fruitless, for you and others on here to be speculating as to the reasons and motivation behind her self harm.

self harm occurs in many different contexts, and we really have no idea whats going on for this woman.

encourage her to get help.

LegacyUser

sam34 wrote: »

OP, i think thats all you can do, tbh.

it's not right, and essentially fruitless, for you and others on here to be speculating as to the reasons and motivation behind her self harm.
.

I dont think anyone was speculating on her reasons and motivation for self harm . The speculation is if this person does indeed have a problem with self harm or not .Like most of the other posters here I also find it strange that after only contact via web and txt she announces this issue during a chat on facebook . Self harm is a serious mental issue that people suffer for years without seeking help of any kind . They carry the physical scars which in most cases are very extreme . I also have to voice my doubts that this person has an actual issue with self harm and would question her motives for revealing this in this fashion . I hate to say it but it does appear to be a way of seeking attention for this person . Does she actually bare the scars of self harm ? Does she ever bare her arms in public ?

LegacyUser

Encourge her to get medical attention they cut contact with her . The ay she disscussed this with you is just too strange for what she is saying to be true
leave it to the professionals to deal with this one.
It is very important that you do not let yourself be manipulated by this behaviour.
Others may accuse me of being heartless and cruel but there is a possibility that this was done in an attempt to manipulate you
If you give into it now, then you will set up a pattern of behaviour for the future. She has a crisis you save her. Do you really want to expose your self to this pattern of codependent behaviour ?

sam34

Unregistered wrote: »

Encourge her to get medical attention they cut contact with her . The ay she disscussed this with you is just too strange for what she is saying to be true
leave it to the professionals to deal with this one.
It is very important that you do not let yourself be manipulated by this behaviour.
Others may accuse me of being heartless and cruel but there is a possibility that this was done in an attempt to manipulate you
If you give into it now, then you will set up a pattern of behaviour for the future. She has a crisis you save her. Do you really want to expose your self to this pattern of codependent behaviour ?

did you just cut and paste a lot of that from my post on the OD thread - see below,duplicate bits highlighted in bold, mine was posted at 21.43, your post above was at 22.13???

OP- i would stay away from this if i were you.

i presume your FB has gotten medical attention for the OD. If she ended up in hospital then she will have also had a psychiatric assessment.

leave it to the professionals to deal with this one.

very importantly - do not let yourself be manipulated by this behaviour.

i have no doubt that others will accuse me of being heartless and cruel here.

but there is a possibility that this was done in an attempt to manipulate you, consciously or unconsciously.

if that is the case, and if you give into it now, then you will set up a pattern of behaviour for the future - the next disagreement/disappointment and hey presto another OD or whatever.

i would stay away.

this girl needs her family and friends supporting her, and professionals, and you are none of those things to her.

LegacyUser

I've self harmed for years. I only told people about it when things became far to much for me. I've stoped for the past while due to been giving an ultimatum.

Personally I dont think its that shocking and I only did it to see blood, which is apprently a sign of addiction. You have to be carefull, if some one had of turned around and said to me I was only doing it for attention I would have reacted in a horrific life changing manner.

Its best just to say "I think you need to go and get help somewhere, its not that bad and things will seem better"

As for someone who said dont try to be minipulated by the person...

perhaps you've dealt with some one who has BPD, its a way of functioning. Leave them alone please, you can't judge till you've walked in some one elses shoes.

Miss_lady

what people seem to over look with this issue is that the simple act of cutting oneself means there is something wrong with that person. It does not matter if the person is a continual self-harmer or is doing it for attention, the very act means something is wrong. Granted the issue is slightly different for someone doing it for attention but its still a problem that needs to be addressed.
I also think that some of you havnt seen the other possibility as to why the OP's friend spoke out; if they have not talked in a long time or are not in contact face to face, the friend may see it as safe to tell the OP as the likely hood of it getting back to someone in their everyday life is reduced. Yes people who self harm usually keep it a secret but some are nearly screaming out to be found out even if they go to so much trouble to hide it. the person could be seeking help... making the first step to talk about it. The fact that it was said flippantly may be so as to not "have it as an issue" between them, maybe just throw it in there and wait for the reaction, a tester for telling others too? Im just questioning it all, I obciously dont know why but I think you should treat the person with compassion regardless and be honoured that they trusted you with such knowledge.

punchdrunk

anon,thaed,Miss_Lady,thanks for that
i think you've hit the nail on the head and definitely i'll take all that on board

I can understand some of your doubts but honestly folks,would you turn your back on a friend?
if say you were related to someone in a similar situation would you break all contact? I'm kinda shocked people would say that
I'd like to think my mates would be supportive if i genuinely needed help

PK2008

Holding ice cubes is a substitute for cutting yourself (so i heard) without the lasting effects