Need advice re. argument about cleaning

LegacyUser

Hi...

I had a terrible morning. I came home from work yesterday to an absolute bomb. The place was crawling with dirt and I spent almost 3 hours sorting it out. From the floor to the kitchen tops, it was crawling.

My OH isnt working at the moment and explained to him softly about a month ago that if the shoe was on the other foot and I wasnt working I would be expected to have the place clean, washing done, etc.

He is doing the clothes washing...but nothing else. The toilet stank of piss yesterday when I got home, there was a 10cm long **** stain up the side which has gone hard.. I havnt cleaned that yet, dont see why I should. Thats only one example.

Its killing me to come home to a pigsty. Not just unitdy... I can deal with that. Everywhere was filthy.

I scrubbed, washed walls (where tea bag stains were), pretty much did everything
Im doing well in my job at the moment and its looking like I could get out of the recession without any pay cut (for the moment) and have a job at the end of it.

This morning in bed I shouldnt have, but I said, "I hope you just appreciate what I went through yesterday getting this place back in order".

It went sooooo wrong. Screaming match was extreme.

He told me to seriously think and pretty much said I'll meet you for a drink later to talk about 'us'.

He tore the window off and broke it. He pulled the sock drawer out to get socks when he was leaving and they're everywhere. That was because after I thought he had left and was gone I started hitting the walls over the bed while I was crying out of pure anger but he was still there and came back and started shouting at me through the bedroom window and then tore the window off in anger.

I was out last night so with the drink on me this morning I erupted into sobs. Starting to feel like running away, I was in a nasty relationship 2 years ago and I ran away and havnt seen him since so I think thats the answer now...

I just dont know what he does with himself all day everyday. Because I want to keep my job I work good long hours. He is only looking for a job in the last week because I begged him, hes been redundant for almost 2 years. There is were the stress strain comes from, Im stressed because Im going forward with my life and he cant even take out the hoover and take pride in his surroundings.

What do I do? How do other people approach this with their partners?

I dont feel like Im nagging! Ive been very very supportive since his redundancy and with getting back out there and looking for a job. His job is specialised and theres 9 roles there at the moment advertised but there all over the country. He wont have any problem finding the job,he just took too much time off and now hes cornered himself.

I'll put my hands up though, I started cursing, using f*ck and he hates me cursing and that set him off. I was just so hurt that he didnt put his hands up about the pigsty.

hot2def

send him back to his ma.

doesn't like you cursing?! Tell him you don't like sponging eejits.


I'm sorry, I know this repsonse is a bit AH, but really now. I think if you read through your orinial post out loud, you'll hear how daft it sound to be putting up with this.

LegacyUser

No your reply is fine. I screamed at him that I wasnt his mother.

I also screamed that he was a schovanist just like his father though.

I dont know what to do.

Im 25 and he's 32.

Queen-Mise

They are serious problems in that relationship OP, and cleaning the house is one of the least of them at the moment. Ripping windows out is not ok, shows some serious anger problems.
He seems to be looking for a mother rather than a partner at the moment.

Is he sponging also, was his reduncancy enough to keep him going financially for the last couple of years.

OP, one last point, you said that you had to do a runner from your last boyfriend because of his behaviour. Are you after picking another lad, the same as your last boyfriend. If this is the case, you really need to take a look at it.

Mind yourself OP, you really don't have to put up with this sh*te, of anyone.

lolli

Op,

I honestly don't know how you put up with that, you need to have some self respect. are you paying the bills? Do you really need a lazy man like this in your life. You are out working and are expected to keep your house in order too while he sits on his ass all day doing nothing. Don't you think you deserve something better in life than this?

Also I would be worried at the level of aggression he is showing towards you. If I was you i'd be getting out of there as soon as possible. A relationship should be 50:50 but from that you are telling us you are doing all the giving and hes doing all the taking.

I'll put my hands up though, I started cursing, using f*ck and he hates me cursing and that set him off. I was just so hurt that he didnt put his hands up about the pigsty.

OP, I beg you please do not start down the line of "it's all my fault because I did something he doesn't like". he's the one leaving the place in a kip you would barely expect from a 2 year old, and throwing a tantrum because you made a perfectly reasonable request, which in all fairness, you shouldn't have had to make in the first place. He should have been cleaning up as a given, with all the free time.
Honestly, I think you need to move out and get some space asap. You don't need someone hanging on and sponging off you like this. He's being quite aggressive and I think it could all go very very wrong very quickly.
Honestly I know that "leave her/him" is overused on PI but this is one of those few cases I think all of us can agree it's practically a get out asap state. Listen to it - you spent 3 hours cleaning and he tore out a window ??

If you had a bad/abusive relationship previously you might want to consider getting out of this one and taking a look at yourself and being happy enough that you don't attract these types anymore.

LegacyUser

But, I dont understand why he made me feel bad for saying to him that I cleaned up after him??

@Lolli - Im not paying the bills. His dole covers them. I actually pay the food bills. Get in the shopping each week. I agree with you totally though, thats why I came on here to find out if I actually had a screw missing or something?

Where does he get the right to turn things around and fight with me because I changed the mood, deflated his morning erection?!

Our relationship has been great otherwise, love at first sight. I didnt walk into another one of my ex. The reason Ive been pushing him to get a job the last few months was that I realised even though he is great hes pretty much doing nothing with his life apart from doing odd jobs for his family and want to move waaaay forward with life. When I met him he was on about 55k. He got a redundancy and pumped his money into doing up a house he bought with his friend so therefore he was mentally stimulated.

Money ran out months ago and I just am SO FRUSTRATED, I dont know what hes doing all day with himself while Im working (and enjoying working, love my job)???

Its not an abusive relationship but I think hes a little old school and a little too mammy-ed and expects this off me?

When he asked me to move in with him I said - on one condition. I like things clean.

Since January, every Saturday Ive looked around the place I cant believe that my weekend off is to get stuck into more f*cking cleaning. My day off!!!

Crying again!!

LegacyUser

I seen a programme one time when the girl said a great thing. She said to the guy who was not a nice person " Whats in this relationship for me?" he could not answer. Explain to him that it would be better to communicate and sort this out than to wake up some morning with a dear John letter waiting for him on the hall table ...from you. Ask yourself would you be better of with him or without him?. Remember you are the author of your own destiny, you are where you put yourself.
Regards.
Tom.

Beruthiel

OP
Have you allowed him to disrespect you like this since you met him?
If he has been getting away without lifting a finger for all this time then he is used to it.
He probably even thinks you like to clean up his crap, sure isn't that womans work.

You've been too soft on him imo and have allowed him to treat you like a door mat.
Who gives a toss if he's 'old school'?
You're out working every day while he's sitting at home on his ass and this has been going on for two years?!
You're mad. I'd have lost the rag on the first week!
Seriously, if you are keeping him in food and a roof over his head, the bloodly house better be gleaming when you come home from work.
With dinner in the oven and a glass of wine waiting for you.

Do not put up with this for one second longer.

Queen-Mise

OP show him this thread or tell him what people said here, whenever things calm down. He needs to be told in a nice way how what he is doing (or not) is affecting you.

is this a deal breaker for you?

Beruthiel

queen-mise wrote: »

is this a deal breaker for you?

To any right minded person, this would be a deal break for everyone.
He's a lazy, bone idle, lay about who is sponging off his partner.
Why the hell would anyone live with a man like that?!

LegacyUser

Beruthial, I always appreciate your advice in the other threads but hes a thoughtful guy, he will get up in the mornings and make me breakfast and most of the time have dinner ready for when I get in which is a very good thing.

I dont know what a deal break is?

He looks after the rent, its a weird agreement, Im not going to give details but its looked after.

I thought by the way he left that the fact I mentioned cleaning to him was wrong and I cam on here to find out if I was wrong, obviously not.

So you're all saying get out? He worked for almost ten years and used the time off to live a little.

Im just writing from the heart.. Im still shook up.

Jack B. Badd

2 years is not "time off" ffs. Fine, his job is highly specialised but that's no reason why he couldn't have trained in another area during his unemployment. In the past 2 years there have been plenty of jobs out there, has he looked for them?

Stheno

Beruthiel wrote: »

To any right minded person, this would be a deal break for everyone.
He's a lazy, bone idle, lay about who is sponging off his partner.
Why the hell would anyone live with a man like that?!

+1

OP444 wrote: »

I dont know what a deal break is?

He looks after the rent, its a weird agreement, Im not going to give details but its looked after.

I thought by the way he left that the fact I mentioned cleaning to him was wrong and I cam on here to find out if I was wrong, obviously not.

So you're all saying get out? He worked for almost ten years and used the time off to live a little.

Im just writing from the heart.. Im still shook up.

A deal breaker is something that will end the relationship basically, i.e. something that no matter what you will not be able to get over.

Your bf's behaviour would be a deal breaker for me, he sounds like a lazy sod, who can't be bothered contributing to the housework, whilst you are out working and he's taken two years to "live a little????"

He's managed to live a little smack bang into a recession, he needs to get his ass in gear and find a job, and secondly he needs an attitude readjustment. And from experience, as time goes on, if this does not get better you will grow to utterly resent him, and lose any feelings you have for him.



If it were me, I'd be out the door without a second thought, you are not his personal cleaner/whipping boy/whatever takes his mood.

SarahSassy

OP444 wrote: »

Im not paying the bills. His dole covers them. I actually pay the food bills.

So whats happening here is that you are sharing a free flat, which we all are paying for even though you have a full time job?????? Sponger... No wonder he has no respect for you.

englishe

if he's a bit 'mammy-fied' as you say, he's probably not half aware sometimes.... I suggest having 'The List' - list of stuff you expect to be done if he's at home all day - you have your list too, so he doesnt think you're being totally unreasonable. If he cant do that, you move out and get your own place, and show him that you will not live like that... When he's sitting in his pigsty, alone - he might actually get his wake-up call and realise what his laziness and lack of conscientousness cost him.. you...

Salome

SarahSassy wrote: »

So whats happening here is that you are sharing a free flat, which we all are paying for even though you have a full time job?????? Sponger... No wonder he has no respect for you.

That's a bit harsh - you may be incorrect in your assumptions. Either way, I don't think it's unreasonable of the OP to want to live in a clean home.

SarahSassy

OP444 wrote: »

Im not paying the bills. His dole covers them.

Harsh, I dont think so... OP said the dole covers the bills and if you are on the dole generally your rent and esb etc are paid... She is covering food but not rent or bills...

Salome

I still don't think she's being that unreasonable by wanting to come home to a house that isn't a pig-sty, no matter who is paying for it.

congo_90

Op,
he's a slimeball. get out before he beats you. He sounds like he's on the way if he's tearing windows out of the walls. Pack your bags and leave ASAP!
on top of that it's not fair that after a hard day's work you've gotta clean the sh!t literally.
Get out because you sound like an absolute genuine person. He's doesn't deserve you.

UnderpantsGnome

SarahSassy wrote: »

if you are on the dole generally your rent and esb etc are paid.

Besides, this isn't actually true at all.

KittyeeTrix

I once had the same problem with my other half. He is an absolutely wonderful father and a great husband.
On his days off I would go out and clean houses to make a few extra pound. He would do loads with our kids when I was out i.e cooking and bringing them to the park and that kinda thing.
I would arrive home and the house would be like a bomb site. This used to kill me cos I would have spent the previous hours cleaning other peoples houses!!!!!
Anyway I would burst up in temper over it and it would end up with me saying he was an a**hole!!! I wouldn't mean that but the frustration would get the better of me.
He would then feel like I hadn't appreciated any of the other things he had done that day with the kids, cooking e.t.c
I then read that book Men from Mars.......... and it was a revelation.
It basically said that we were arguing the wrong way so to speak. I realised that it wasn't really the fact that the house was in a state but it was the fact that I felt he didn't care enough about me to clean up before I got home.
I brought it up with him one day and explained how I felt about it. I told him that even if he had the house cleaned before I got home that it would still probably need me to go over it again but that was okay, that it was the fact that I felt he was thinking about me enough to attempt to clear up would be enough.
All I wanted was to feel that he cared enough and thought when I was out cleaning other peoples houses that he would make my life a bit easier.
It worked, he now always tries to clear up befor I get home, and like I said, it's never perfect but the fact that he is thinking of me is enough!!!

Tell your bloke that you feel he is not thinking of you and that he is not arsed enough about you to make an effort before you get home.
Hope it works for ya
Get the book and read it. I found it great, really makes you understand how men think and to be honest, I found it to be a manual to get them to do what you need them to do. They don't even realise it!!!:)

The Sweeper

OP

You start posting about how your OH doesn't respect you, leaves the place a pigsty, tore a window out while fighting with you, you mention you had an abusive past partner who you ran away from, and you say your OH hasn't had a job in two years and hardly wants to look for one.

So we all reply and say "He's a nasty sponging layabout with no motivation and not a nice person"

And then you defend him and say he's actually thoughtful because he cooks you breakfast.

You need to place a higher value on yourself than being cooked breakfast. Your boyfriend's a deadbeat. If you can't see that, then yes, you HAVE fallen into the same pattern as with your ex, you've backed a losing horse, and the more you defend him when we slag him off the more obvious it becomes that you're not going to help yourself, no matter what we say.

Beruthiel

^^

Couldn't agree more with MAJD.

It's all about what value you place on yourself and how you allow others to treat you.

Katgurl

ohhh god, i don't even have the energy to give this a proper response except; LEAVE HIM. And stay on your own for at least a year to figure out why you would accept such low standards, therapy will help.

Best of luck.

petethebrick

What a wanker your OH sounds like! Leave him ASAP would be my advice.

Whenever I've lived with a girl in the past I make extra effort to keep the place nice and clean as opposed to say when I've lived with a group of lads. And I'm not alone in this - it's normal! To be leaving piss stains in the bathroom is not just lazy - it shows a lack of respect on his part for you - it's as if he's saying 'I don't give a **** what she thinks' of me. think about it - would you leave piss stains in the bathroom where you knew someone you were trying to impress would see them??? Try leaving used tampons strewn about the bathroom and sse how he likes that

And as for him going of the handle, that would be it for me.

cantdecide

Love is blind etc but what he gets up to is beyond the pale IMO. This doesn't have to be your problem.

Wouldn't you prefer to be with someone who treats you less like his babysitter and more like a princess??

Oh The Humanity

The 10 cm long sh1t stain on the toilet says it all OP.

Any man who leaves something like that for his girlfriend to see might as well be writing "fcuk you" in sh1t there for her to see.

When it goes to the point that a person doesn't mind another person seeing their sh1t stains then all hope is lost.

KittyeeTrix

Just re-read your post again and honestly you really in a tough situation.
We had 4 kids at the time our problems began with the cleaning thing and my husband was working.
He would never speak badly to me even in an argument 'cos he knows I would pick him up with my bare hands and f**k him out thru the window. I am only joking there but seriously he would never speak to me in that tone 'cos he knows I would not take it at all. Never let anyone speak in violent tones to you. If you allow it to happen once without repercussions, you are sending out the message that it will be tolerated again!!!!!
Tell him you love him but you are worth more that this and if he truly cared about you he would get it in an instant.
Let him know you look forward to seeing him after a long day at work but that as soon as you step in the door, any cosy romantic feelings you may have had disappear when you see piss on the toilet and worse up the side of it!!!!
If he has a sister use the scenario of what the hell would he think if she was being treated like this by her fella? He'd be lying if he said it would not bother him!!!
He could be feeling useless at the moment with no work and feel like you are being unfair and just having a go at him, tough, his problem!!!!!
Tell him you have tried the softly-softly approach and it didn't work. Tell him in the age of the caveman, men had to leave and hunt wild dangerous beasts for days on end and he can't pick up an effing duster!!!What the hell is the world coming to, Darwin would be turning in his grave to see your man as a product of "The theory of Evolution".
Tell him to man up and take some responsibility for the life ye share together and let him know you are too young to be living with a slob!!!!