Confused and a bit worried

LegacyUser

This is going to be kind of long, but please, bear with me.
I came to this forum because I was looking for advice on how to deal with finding out that my boyfriend bought and has worn a skirt and top for cross-dressing. There's several factors that have me a bit worried, and I'm not sure how graphic I can get on here without crossing a line, so I'll try my best to keep it as clean as I can.
I came home from work last night, beating my boyfriend by about 45 minutes. I found 2 things wrong. One was that the house was infested with bees (don't worry, this has significance), and the other is that a red pouch that I recognized as being one that holds a certain glass toy of mine was empty on the bed, with the toy hidden (after extensive searching, I found it) in one of the dresser drawers.
I've been cheated on a LOT. Never by him (I hope), but by many others. Of course the first thing my mind goes to is that. He had been home most of the day studying for a test, and I had been at work. If the bees hadn't been there scaring me to death and keeping me occupied, I probably would have been packed and gone nearly before he had gotten home. When he got home, I confronted him about it. Why had he been in the toy drawer, and why was the one missing? He said he had been playing with the toys by himself, and left in a hurry because of the bees swarming into our apartment. I didn't know whether to believe him or not. We've been living together since September, and despite several talks of what we are each into (and not all of it is what one might call conventional), he never mentioned this! This wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest, had I known about it. It's fairly common. The fact he kept it from me made me wonder what else he might be keeping from me, or if he was even telling me the truth now or not. I want to make it clear that I have no problem with his interest, but with the fact that he hid it from me.
Then, to top it off, I had to find just the right questions to ask to get him to admit to the rest of his secret. He had been hiding 2 toys of his own in our storage closet. This isn't all though. When I specifically asked him whether he had anything else hidden there, he said yes; a skirt and top he bought. I asked if he wears them a lot, he said that no, he doesn't, and that he's only worn them twice and didn't really enjoy it. I don't know whether to believe him there or not either! I do not in the least bit find the clothes idea attractive, quite the opposite, actually. But I love him enough that while I may not be able to share that with him, I would adjust to the idea of him continuing to play this way on his own.
I'm worried about two things. One is that I don't want him to lie to me about whether he's into this or not, and find out later that he was continuing to do it without my knowledge. I can't handle secrets with all the deceit from my past.
The other is, I've read things on how cross-dressing doesn't mean that the man is gay or curious about being with men, but in the ones that I've read, nothing is mentioned about whether there is an affinity for the toys coupled with the cross dressing or not. Should I be worried about his orientation? Are the two things common in a heterosexual male?
Advice from a straight cross dresser, or significant other of one would be most helpful. I don't really care to listen to anyone that has had no experience in this department, as I don't want ignorant, close-minded opinions from people who've never been there. If that is you, please refrain from commenting.
I want very badly to be ok with this, and I think that I can be, but I also don't want my heart broken. I love him so so much.

cafecolour

Neither cross-dressing nor anal play makes one gay (there's an entire series called 'bend over boyfriend' with women taking strap-ons to their male mates), just a bit kinky. Which is more fun anyway

If you're worried about him being gay, I'll ask you, to be blunt, how's your sex life? Is it frequent, does he seem into you, does he try and start spontaneous moments? Or does he avoid it and when he has do do the job, he seems to be staring off into space fantasizingabout someone else? Those questions - whether seems to be attracted to you - are far more relevant than the cross-dressing or the toys.

nedoo

The only real issue I see is the hiding. Get it all out in the open and let him be himself, he may not know its cool with you, he may feel ashamed. Then take it from there, if you feel you can trust him, well and good. If not, you have given him every chance to tell you everything and you take things forward.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I've read things on how cross-dressing doesn't mean that the man is gay or curious about being with men, but in the ones that I've read, nothing is mentioned about whether there is an affinity for the toys coupled with the cross dressing or not. Should I be worried about his orientation? Are the two things common in a heterosexual male?
Advice from a straight cross dresser, or significant other of one would be most helpful. I don't really care to listen to anyone that has had no experience in this department, as I don't want ignorant, close-minded opinions from people who've never been there. If that is you, please refrain from commenting.

How about an open-minded opinion from someone who's never been there?

Yes, some straight guys like to play with toys.
And yes, some straight guys like to cross-dress.

So I'd imagine that there are straight guys out there who like both, and that your bf is one of them.

I wouldn't say it's "normal", per se, but I'd imagine it's a hell of a lot more common than most people think. I don't think you have any need to worry about his sexual orientation at all, whatsoever.


EDIT: Oh, but the secrecy has to stop. That's not healthy in a relationship. I imagine most of your hurt is coming from what you see as him not trusting you with this and being open with you. You need to get him to open up to you and come clean about his fetish so that you have all the information you need to deal with it.

LegacyUser

I remember seeing a documentary about men who are into drag and being VERY surprised to discover that many of them are straight, and indeed quite a few in happy long term hetrosexual relationships with a woman! I Know! So there you go.

But as if you need reassurance? You should know yourself in the sack whether he's gay or not, surely?

smileykey

I'd say he's just ashamed about the whole thing and didn't tell you because he assumed you wouldn't be ok with it. You need to talk about it, let him know that you want to be open minded about his fetishes but that you need honesty from him. You mentioned you find the clothes thing unattractive but maybe in relation to the anal play you could join in in the fun and it may be a pleasant experience for both of you? It doesn't have to all be bad

LegacyUser

hi. first can i say i don't want to cross any boundaries here with regards to this post, but have you ever actually messed around anally with your partner, like with butt plugs and licking and fingering down the back of beyonds. maybe he would like you to wear a strap on for him. personally, and as a straight man, i find it a big turn on and maybe your partner does too. like previous posters have said, as long as it's out in the open then there is nothing to worry about, and think of all the fun you can both have

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your advice. No, it's all new ground to me, that's part of why I was concerned. Never been in this territory before. It was mostly the secrecy that was bothering me. I can't deal with secrets. I would love to play with him with the toys, and said as much the other day to him. Instead of being excited or happy about it, he changed the subject, and I got the brush-off. We are having a lot of problems besides this, and that was kind of the icing on the whole crappy cake

He's secretive a lot. He's got commitment issues, he's got a tendency to dwell on unimportant things and sabotage the things that are important to him. He's got a lot of defense mechanisms, and seemingly no idea as to where any of them came from. I have loved him for over 10 years now.

It's killing me. He can't seem to get past square one, and I feel like I'm on a constant infomercial here trying to explain all the ways in which we could be happy together if he would just LET us be. It's exhausting. He insists he loves me. Insists he wants to be with me, but he can't let go of the ridiculous "what if's". I'm at my rope's end, and this was just one more thing.

As for whether he's into it when we're in bed, he looks away a lot. He likes me facing away a lot, and sometimes can't finish if I'm not. He doesn't talk at all (bedroom speak and whatnot). Sometimes I wonder if it would make any difference if I was there for it or not. He also is not interested very often. It sucks.

scath

Sounds to me that he has many issues he'll need therapy such as counselling or hypnanalysis to resolve first. Changing the subject is immature on his part. I like to cross dress, but don't go in for heels, makeup, wig nor into those on women. I also like to have fun with guys, but that seems as far as goes as really into women. That's not the concern. The truth is. That's why I declare straight away.

Anyhow back to him, bad sign, looks away alot, that is disrespectful. Words like love can be like way to keep you hooked but love requires behaviourial actions to be real, ie huggs, kisses, smiles. If these are absent then words mean squat.

I would say, you'll need to tell him, all these issues he'll have to resolve or you can't stay with him. No point in you loving him if he doesn't love you. Obviously you'll have to cry to release that connection as my friend had to. Crying is cathartic so important.

I don't know but my inkling is that he's not able to love at the moment. If he won't deal with his issues then you'll probably have to break up with him for a while and be very firm that if he doesn't resolve these you won't be going back with him