Marriage in Shambles

LegacyUser

Wife won’t give up.

Here is my Life. We have been married for 7 years. We have two beautiful Children who are young who are my World, I live for them both. I am nearing 30 years of age and My Wife is the around the same age.

In a tough position where I live away from my homeland, she has family in town who are worthless, no support more of a hindrance with their s hit and the added stress they imposed over the years on my family.

I caught my Wife 1 year ago having an online affair with her first boyfriend. They loved each other and the way they talked they would give Mills and Boons novels a run for their money. This was going on for one year. She was devastated when she was caught. I asked her to stop talking with this guy and commit to me and the family again. We made plans for a clean slate and I put my plans into action.

Fast forward 7 weeks, and she lied and lied and lied to me that she had stopped talking to this guy. Instead of using our Home PC to talk, she went to her friends house to continue talking to this guy! When I found this out I was devastated simply because I was like, man, she must want to be with this guy! She is leaving me and stuff, its over. I was devastated, totally heart broken. I was thousands of miles away from home and my support system. I could not believe that she threw away our marriage as I specifically told her, that if she is caught again, under no circumstances, we are finished.

She went ahead in anyway, and in my heart, after the second time, I was finished with her. I knew she was doing it, but love is blind as they say and she lied straight to me while looking me in the eye. Sounds like a bad love song. Now, at this point I had enough, I am like out of here. This is my biggest problem. I had no where to go. I have friends where I live, but they put me up for a night or two, they have their families to look after, my point was that it was not long before I had to come back home. If family were around, I would have a multitude of places to choose from to stay.

The worst part in all of this was you had two very young children in the middle of this. Again as I mentioned, we had no family support and our kids were around us 24 / 7. Obviously this did not help our marriage at all. So as I had to move back into the house, she would, like the first time be so sorry and apologetic, and swear to honor and cherish me like she should have. At this stage I am like, WTF? I know you’re depressed, but your fooking crazy if you think I can trust you ever again after what you did? I asked and sometimes pleaded with her over the years to seek help because she had bouts of depression which I was fully aware of and did everything I could to try and help her, to no avail unfortunately.

When I moved back into the house after the second time, which was only a few days, it took me about 4 weeks to talk to her again. I was so angry that she did this again. I offered her, when I originally found out, that no matter how much it hurts me, that if she wanted to taste if the grass was greener, by all means go ahead, but I feel what you have been through with this guy wont last no time at all. In the mean time, I emailed this guy and I basically said that since you’re so interested in my Wife you can have her and by the way there are two kids to be fed, clothed and schooled and not to mention the car payment, two of them, the mortgage and the utilities. I said the two of you can have it all since you want it so much, I need the money to find my own place. I would never walk out on my kids like that, but just wanted him to have the offer you know?

At this point I was torn because as much as I wanted to be with her and keep the family together and give my kids what I had promised myself I would give them, I could not even imagine to begin to trust my Wife again after all the lies she told me. As you could imagine living together was tough and after about 6 weeks she convinced me that she had finished with this guy and that once again she was committed to me and the family. I reluctantly accepted, again with conditions that she stop talking with this guy, seek help with her Doctor and basically get her life together as I cannot carry this family with her c rap any more. I was trapped. My family back home had no money to help me out, I had no money to support two houses, she did not work, could not work as she did not have any qualifications. I lost count of the times over the years I coaxed her into graduating High School. She would start and steadily taper of and stop half way trough.

As it happened the year all this happened we were both to go on our separate trips. We had in 7 years not been apart and now I felt this was the perfect chance to get away from each other, take a break. So things calmed down, I was happy for the kids, the fighting had stopped. Inside I was a mess, my mind all over the place due to the amount of lies she told me. The betrayal I felt was immeasurable not to mention feeling like a total fool. I felt trapped with Two kids who I wanted to simply take home with me back to Dublin and be done with this s hit. I could not take the kids away from their mum as regardless of what is between me and their mum, they both adore her and she is a good mum in spite of everything.

I am waffling on and will try to get to my point. She went on her trip, I took off work and took care of the kids for the couple of weeks. I wished her the best of luck and truly hoped she had a good time I had a terrible feeling in my stomach that some thing was not right. At this stage I did not know what was real or what paranoia due to all the lies that were told. This feeling would no go away. She came back, I was happy to see her and actually missed her. Things seamed okay since this began. I went on my trip back home by myself. I had 10 days of Dublin and I had a blast. I never have cheated on my Wife and even though I was tempted and had opportunities to cheat, even now it’s not on my agenda, as no good can come from it. Two wrongs don’t make it right,

I kept in touch with my Wife and kids, and spoke to my Wife in length the day before I was to come home. When a person lies to you so much to tend to learn when they are lying. She merely mentioned in passing on the phone and mentioned something which set alarm bells going off in my head. I did not say anything, but I could not get rid of this feeling in the pit of my stomach like the other times when she was talking to this guy.

I said to my self a million times on the 9 hour plane journey, that surely she could not still be talking to this guy. This little voice kept on saying, she is, she is. It would not stop. I got home, was happy to see her and the kids especially, things seamed okay, but this voice would not stop in my mind. Anyway, I caught her on the phone talking with this guy as he was close to home now. When she was on her trip she made contact again, with the words if I am found out this time my marriage is over for good. She could not help herself.

I never felt like hitting a woman in my life, but that day, when I found her on the phone, she should have kicked me full force in the bollox because it would of hurt a hell of a lot less than what she did. Again I am like WTF. You would swear I was beating the woman, abusing her or something, alls I ever wanted to do was help and support her, be a husband.

So the circle repeated itself, she was sorry, so sorry in fact, I left, was devastated, well felt like I was a down and out, man it was unreal I have to admit. Again, had no money to move out, she would not move out, I stayed away for as long as I could; she used the kids against me, minulaption wise. She knows how to hurt me and she knows how important my kids are. Again I insisted she went and be with this now motherF$ucker. I told him the same also yet again.

I insisted she left as I had no where to go and she made her bed and lay in it. Trust at this stage did not exist between us.

Move forward 6 months and were still living together separately. She wont leave the house, refuses to. I cant make her. I have no where to go, stuck financially. I totally want out but feel trapped. Even though I want out, I feel guilty about my Kids and so hurt by what has happened and hurt that my family cannot stay together.

In the meantime, she, for the first time in her life, has set goals for her self and achieved them. She has finished school and is working. She is attending counseling to finally deal with her problems. She is actually doing what she says for the first time. I am happy for her in all honesty and have told her so. Things appear to be happening for her, like I told her they would for all those years, if she just put her mind to it. In the mean time, she has left me stranded with two kids in a house I don’t want to be in. She has put me through too much. I am a mess at times to be honest.She, is again trying to convince me that she is changing and that she sees the errors of her ways and wants to make it up to me. With what this woman has done to the trust I placed in her, I feel I am physically not able to trust her ever again, it simply does not exist for me when it comes to my Wife. She may as well took a bat to it and smashed it to a million pieces.

I know if this happened in my home town, I would have gone the second time this happened. Circumstances out of my control had me live and stay where I am right now, can’t move back home, have no money to move out myself and she wont leave.

She has made more progress in 2 months of seeing her Therapist than she has made in 7 years. I am actually seeing a change in her, but I cannot trust the woman no matter what. I doubt almost everything she does, its almost boarder line at this stage. She would like for us to go to Counseling and try and work through this if we can. The way I feel is that our days are numbered and if it was not for our circumstances of no family this would be dissolved regardless of the amount of pain it causes me, her or the kids in the short term.


So I have no where to go, have two wonderful children, it will take me one year to save up the money to semi support myself away from the family home while supporting the family home. She is adamant that she will make this up to me and the family, I have seen changes and she has made progress BUT I feel no amount of counseling will ever make me fully trust her again let alone respect her for what she did. I want more than anything to provide a home for my kids but this whole situation is killing me. If I left my Wife and the family home by getting the funds up or being able to finically support myself and the family home, I could make a great life for myself over here. I really could, but it kills me to know what my kids are going through and now, finally to see my Wife making in roads on all her s hit, I would love to be able to belive her once again.

Given all that I have gone on about, dose anyone offer me any more hope than what I have now, which is none. I know what I want, which is my wife and kids, but I also know I can make a good life for myself, sort my s hit out and be there for my kids. I actually told my Wife I would have the full time, no problems. It all sounds like a no brainer, I know that, this is what is killing me, why is it so hard to let go of my Wife and the idea of my Family?

I once loved her like crazy and adored her.

95% is done, 5% is wondering? I know I must be crazy?

Thank you if it gets posted, and thank you if you made it this far, and thank you if you have any insight for an oll lost Irish ExPat.

Slan.

Blue_Wolf

Hey man where are you living now that it's so far away?

Silverfish

OP, can you just clarify, did she ever meet up with this guy in that time?

Queen-Mise

Dear OP,

Firstly I want to say well done on writing such a long post, and explaining things so well. You are a fantastic father and have done your absolute best to keep your marraige together.

I am going to take a slightly different view of the situation, than what you have given, take as much or as little as you want from what I am about to say.
I am going to look at your wife's behaviour something similar to that of a addict, alcoholics - someone who is acting out. You mentioned that your wife's family weren't much support and her own life may not have been the easiest either.

When people do certain behaviours, it is how they are acting out the behaviour of the past (cutting themselves, they are thousands of examples), I wonder is the whole series of incidents with the ex-boyfriend something like this.
She got her man (you), who sounds like a really good person, somewhere inside herself she couldn't accept it/didn't think she deserved it - and did her absolute upmost to destroy it, by her behaviour. This is obviously not done consciously.

There is no doubt that she put you through a living hell, watching the person you love, doing that, and not being able to stop them. And also knowing that they are essentially a good person.

Your wife has made some major changes to her behaviour by finishing her schooling and going to counselling. She is doing everything she can to better herself and to stop doing this stuff to herself. All one can do is sit back and watch, and hope that she continues on with the process she is engaged in and give her all the support you can.

For you though - it is slightly different, you are the victim in this. It is said that the wife of an alcoholic husband when he stops drinking is sicker (emotionally, mentally etc) than he is. She has had to watch, protect etc etc, whereas he just engaged in the addiction. This is very similar to you.

Your wife is definitely right, you need counselling, but not together, at least not yet. OP you have to work through all the sh*te that you went through, that you said so well in your post - all the betrayal, anger hurt etc etc. This stuff doesn't just disappear. Until you work through this stuff, you will not have a clue as to whether your marraige has a chance or not.

For my tuppence worth, I think your marraige has a great chance, your wife is doing the right thing. You also need to look after yourself and get some therapeutic help also.

They are obviously going to be trust issues, and some paranoia but these can be worked out.

I am looking at this situation as your wife acting out as opposed to a straight cheating on you - they are not the same thing. If this is the case then this stuff can be worked through.

Thanks

RentDayBlues

My view will be slightly different here but: having come from a similar situation where we were the kids watching this I would say get out now while you can.

No matter how sorry she is there is always going to be this between you and it will tear the family apart. You can try as much as you like but in the end if she cant stop herself then neither can you.

LegacyUser

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

Hey man where are you living now that it's so far away?

I live in the States from Dublin Originally.

LegacyUser

Silverfish wrote: »

OP, can you just clarify, did she ever meet up with this guy in that time?

I am 99.99% sure she never met with this guy. Its probably about the only thing I am sure of.

LegacyUser

queen-mise wrote: »

Dear OP,

Firstly I want to say well done on writing such a long post, and explaining things so well. You are a fantastic father and have done your absolute best to keep your marraige together.

I am going to take a slightly different view of the situation, than what you have given, take as much or as little as you want from what I am about to say.
I am going to look at your wife's behaviour something similar to that of a addict, alcoholics - someone who is acting out. You mentioned that your wife's family weren't much support and her own life may not have been the easiest either.

When people do certain behaviours, it is how they are acting out the behaviour of the past (cutting themselves, they are thousands of examples), I wonder is the whole series of incidents with the ex-boyfriend something like this.
She got her man (you), who sounds like a really good person, somewhere inside herself she couldn't accept it/didn't think she deserved it - and did her absolute upmost to destroy it, by her behaviour. This is obviously not done consciously.

There is no doubt that she put you through a living hell, watching the person you love, doing that, and not being able to stop them. And also knowing that they are essentially a good person.

Your wife has made some major changes to her behaviour by finishing her schooling and going to counselling. She is doing everything she can to better herself and to stop doing this stuff to herself. All one can do is sit back and watch, and hope that she continues on with the process she is engaged in and give her all the support you can.

For you though - it is slightly different, you are the victim in this. It is said that the wife of an alcoholic husband when he stops drinking is sicker (emotionally, mentally etc) than he is. She has had to watch, protect etc etc, whereas he just engaged in the addiction. This is very similar to you.

Your wife is definitely right, you need counselling, but not together, at least not yet. OP you have to work through all the sh*te that you went through, that you said so well in your post - all the betrayal, anger hurt etc etc. This stuff doesn't just disappear. Until you work through this stuff, you will not have a clue as to whether your marraige has a chance or not.

For my tuppence worth, I think your marraige has a great chance, your wife is doing the right thing. You also need to look after yourself and get some therapeutic help also.

They are obviously going to be trust issues, and some paranoia but these can be worked out.

I am looking at this situation as your wife acting out as opposed to a straight cheating on you - they are not the same thing. If this is the case then this stuff can be worked through.

Thanks

Well thank you for your insight and you really hit the nail on the head with what you say especially the part when she told me she got terrified that I would eventually leave her due to how she felt about herself. She said she always felt like I was too good for her and that she never felt on a par with me. Its hard to understand but I do.

I agree with all that you say, I really do. She has made inroads and changes and I want to give her every chance but I feel compromised if I say, hey lets work things out.

Again, thank you for your insight, its always helpful to get other peoples opinions on such issues and you can be so caught up in it you cant see the trees through the forest.

I have made myself an appointment to get some councilling to try and get my head around the million questions I have. I will see how that goes and take it from there.

I want to keep my family together and give my Wife every oppertuinity to prove her self, but I do not want to wake up in 20 years time, when my best years are gone and think, WTF was I doing? One life and all that.

Again, thank you so much for your insight, it has been refreshing.

Beruthiel

Defeated Man wrote: »

I have made myself an appointment to get some councilling to try and get my head around the million questions I have. I will see how that goes and take it from there.

That's great news.
Considering the fact that she has never actually met up with him, then there has been no physical level to this.
Mentally she has 'cheated' to an extent and has treated you badly.
But if both of you are seeing a professional, I think you have a good chance of getting through this.
Ye might even come out stronger the far end.
It will take work from both sides but I think you should remain positive for now.
Best of luck!

Queen-Mise

Defeated Man wrote: »

Well thank you for your insight and you really hit the nail on the head with what you say especially the part when she told me she got terrified that I would eventually leave her due to how she felt about herself. She said she always felt like I was too good for her and that she never felt on a par with me. Its hard to understand but I do.

I agree with all that you say, I really do. She has made inroads and changes and I want to give her every chance but I feel compromised if I say, hey lets work things out.

Again, thank you for your insight, its always helpful to get other peoples opinions on such issues and you can be so caught up in it you cant see the trees through the forest.

I have made myself an appointment to get some councilling to try and get my head around the million questions I have. I will see how that goes and take it from there.

I want to keep my family together and give my Wife every oppertuinity to prove her self, but I do not want to wake up in 20 years time, when my best years are gone and think, WTF was I doing? One life and all that.

Again, thank you so much for your insight, it has been refreshing.

You are more than welcome.

On the twenty years time part (excuse my little rant here), we live today - not yesterday or tomorrow. You are being a strong husband and an excellent father. In 20 years time you can look back and admire & respect the fact that you stayed in a tough situation to be a father to your children and a husband to your wife. Try not to put down what you are doing today, it's really is very destroying.

On the other side, I would definitely give yourself a time-frame though for things to work out, and the marraige (trust, etc etc) to impove. At least 12 months, it will take time to work out a lot of your hurt. Doing that will silence a lot of that - 'did I waste my life' etc etc.

One more thing - and this is a very personal one of mine (it has gotten me down a lot of scary water slides ); the motto No Regrets. Give this marriage now all you have, at least if you have to walk away, you know you gave it your all. In 20 years time, you do not want to be looking back with regrets.