Run and Hide - contains some adult content

D-FENS

Here's the start of a story I’m writing, it doesn’t give away much of the main plot, more just an introduction to some of the main characters, but I’d be very grateful for any comments on it, particularly on the "technical" side of things- grammar, use of paragraphs etc.

March, 2009 - Friday

He boarded the ferry just after six, thought about heading straight for the deck but then decided on a seat in the bar area. There was no chance of a pint and he wouldn’t have wanted one anyway, but he always felt a simple comfort sitting in a bar. Mostly that comfort came from having his family and friends around him, sitting in a local pub, but there was also a quiet peace sometimes in finding a quiet corner to yourself. There he could watch the other customers, the bar staff, and the world go by, from a distance that allowed him to go over the thoughts in his head, but jump back into the real world at anytime, if another punter made conversation or a lounge girl inquired about a refill. But mostly he was given the time to reflect and dissect the problems in his life, and after two or three pints he could usually convince himself that everything was going to be ok.

Sitting here though, on this early morning ferry back to Dublin, back to his home, things were far from ok for Noel Hughes. Any warm feelings Noel had about returning to the place he grown up in and loved, were scarred by the fact that he was risking a lot by going back. There would be no taking in the old familiar sights of the city, no visiting old friends or family. The only family Noel hoped to see was his younger brother Eric, who had also made his first trip back to Dublin a day earlier than Noel and was the reason he now had to go back himself. Eric had broken a promise and gone back to where was now a no-man’s-land for the two of them. There were people in Dublin who wanted them both dead, Noel had to find Eric first, so they could run again….

October, 2007 - Saturday

“Hide that sh*te, will ya, if Noel see’s that he’ll flip!” Eric yelled at his friend Big Al, who was clumsily manoeuvring a small mould of cocaine into two lines on the coffee table.
Eric was busy trying to clean up his sitting room, which was scattered with empty beer cans and a full ashtray of cigarette butts beside his drug taking friend.

“He’s coming back? “ Al answered “Thought you said he was gone for the night? He won’t care anyway, he no stranger to it himself”

“I told ya, he rang about half an hour ago, that bird he was meant to meet blew him out, he just coming back here to sulk for the night. And, he doesn’t touch anything like that anymore, gone all respectable hasn’t he?” Eric grinned, “And more importantly, he’s told me he’s going to feck off out of here and leave me hanging with the rent if I don’t pull me socks up too”

“Sure that’s no bother, I’ll move in with you so!” Al replied, “Me and Easy E, with a bachelor’s pad all to ourselves1” He playfully grabbed Eric in a bear hug as he pasted him to grab another can of beer from the Kitchen.

“Get off me, ya big muppet!” Said Eric, “And as if I’d share this place with you, it’s bad enough having here most of the time anyway, and since when would you have the money pay half the rent, with no job!

“That’s harsh, E, that’s harsh” Alan smiled as he put hid away the class a drugs and began helping Eric with the light cleaning, all the while still holding onto a half drank beer can, awaiting the return of Eric’s older and seemingly responsible brother.
10 minutes later he arrived, well dressed from his intended night out, but clearly in no mood for festivities. He suspicions of the activities of Eric and his clown of a friend were immediately aroused due to their uncharacteristic silence while watching tv.

“What are you up to? Too quiet for my liking…” He asked as he stood over them, removing his jacket

“Nothing much Noel, just having a few cans here before heading out, you fancy coming with us?” Eric replied, not really intended for a positive answer. Noel was always good for a laugh in the pub, thought Eric, but was likely to be quiet for a while now after his failed date. Plus, he put his foot down about any of Eric’s plans for wild nights, so that included putting up with any of Al’s messing with drugs or general messy behaviour. Eric wasn’t pushed himself on doing any drugs either, but usually ended up taking one or two lines when he was drunk, nothing too crazy in his eyes, but enough to piss Noel off.

“You’re alright, thanks” Noel answered sarcastically, “I’ll be glad of the peace and quiet around here for a while.”

“I heard you got stood up again Noel” Big Al interrupted, then instantly regretted it due to the scornful looks from both Hughes brothers.

“At least I was meeting a girl tonight, don’t think you can say the same. Can ya, ya big gobsh*te?” Noel said with distain, but Eric and Al realised he was not taking the remark too seriously when he slumped on the couch and grabbed the tv remote.

“You two just make sure you’re quiet if you come back here later, I might actually try and get some sleep around here for once”

“No bother Noel”, Eric reassured him, “We won’t make a sound, won’t be too late either”

“We might even bring ya back a bag of chips, Noel!” Al waved as he strutted out the door, “If you’re good!”

“See ya later, Bro” Eric remarks as he follows, rolling his eyes in excuse for his loud mouth friend.

“Eric”, Noel calls him back.

“Yeah?”

“Be good, don’t do anything stupid, right?” Noel says seriously

“Sure, Noel” Eric replies, “No bother”

D-FENS

Anyone?

EileenG

Had a quick read through.

Start your story with a bang. Doesn't have to literal, but start with something interesting and exciting, not just just a fella deciding where he'll sit. You'd be much better starting with Saturday, and leaving out Friday altogether. Even them, drop some of the chatter. In real iife people (especially junkies) do talk a lot of drivel, but in a story, you only need to give a flavour, not chapter and verse.