Is there any hope for me?

LegacyUser

I posted a thread here last year, looking for advice on how to approach a girl I quite fancied. Well, I finally got the courage to approach her on Tuesday. I know, it took ages to make my move, but I really fancied her which probably made it ten times harder. I know it's probably just an infatuation, but I can honestly say she was the nicest looking girl I've ever seen (in my eyes anyway). I was confident in my approach, looked her in the eye, and just asked her straight out. Anyway, it turns out that she actually has a boyfriend at the moment. She took it quite well, smiled and I'm pretty sure she was telling the truth about having a boyfriend. It just makes me wonder though are there any suitable single women over 25 left?

The reason I ask is because a lot of girls my age seem to be in serious long-term relationships. I've seen this with friends, work colleagues, relatives, etc. Some people seem to be constantly in a relationship, and then effortlessly seem to fall into another relationship if they ever do break up. On the other hand, I have real difficulty in finding the right partner who is actually single. I'm not getting any younger, and I honestly can't see myself finding anyone else like her. I know you're probably going to say that there's plenty of better looking girls out there, but I was just completely infatuated with this one; suppose it's a case of wanting what we can't get.

I'm 25 btw, and believe it or not I've never actually had a girlfriend, the reason being that I suppose I was concentrating on my career and college/work when I was younger. Or perhaps, I just hadn't met a girl like this before. I seriously think that I have wasted the best years of my life, and now I'm gonna end up single forever, or else settling for someone I'm not truly happy with. So, is there any hope for me finding happiness?




And, finally, do you think it would be a good idea if I went up to the girl again, and gave her my number in case she ever broke up with her current boyfriend? Or is that a bad idea....


Thanks

LegacyUser

Fair play on having the courage to go up to her and tell her how you feel, that takes guts!

I wouldn't worry too much about your current relationship status, 25 is far from over the hill! It may seem like everyone you know is in a long term relationship but there's plenty who aren't. Some people jsut float from relationship to relationship, its how they are. (I dont understand that one either!!!)

Why not move a little bit out of your comfort zone? Join a new club/team...its coming onto summer, nice weather etc why not join a walking/cycling/mixed tag rugby/sailing club...anything that means you meet new people. Try not to think about it too much or make every new female friend into a potential girlfriend. You'll meet the one who's right for you and probably wont even see it coming!

As for giving the other girl you number, I wouldn't. You've made your feelings known and thats enough. I would try and move on from this though, can't try and start another relationship if your still longing for another.

Oh The Humanity

John_Unreg wrote: »

And, finally, do you think it would be a good idea if I went up to the girl again, and gave her my number in case she ever broke up with her current boyfriend? Or is that a bad idea....

Bad idea lad, it looks a bit predatorial ! Also, she knows you like her now, so believe me if she wants you she will find you.

Listen, at 25 you have loads of time. I know an extremely nice and good looking lad that didn't have his first relationship until 27. There are so many more out there!

Also, see all those seemingly blissful relationships there, well statistically they wont last forever. There will be the usual false starts and break ups. People become available. Patience is hard, very hard but remain positive.

You always hear girls bemoaning that there are no good single men so believe me there are single good girls out there, you just have to not get down about it!

LegacyUser

Yea, bad move giving her your number. If she becomes single and is interested she knows your into her so she can make the effort. Fair play for having the balls to tell her though. You sure you wrote this thread OP cause I swear it could have been me! Im 25 myself and never been in a proper relationship. It seems whenever I find somebody im actually interested in they are always taken and if not they are just out of long term relationships and never looking for anything serious. I think in my life I have only come across two girls that I was mad about, once at 21 and then again 6 months ago and of them one had a boyfriend and the other was as I say just out of a long term relationship and not ready to meet someone new. You start to think is it always gonna be this way.

In my group of friends im the only single one, around the people I work with Im one of only a handfull of single people. How do some people just jump from relationship to relationship so easily? I just sometimes think I am so unlucky with women and I really think I deserve a break at this stage. Any girls I know or who get to know me are genuinly shocked that I have never had a girlfriend and it makes it worse when you see girls you like with assholes. I know im a great guy but I just cant seem to find the girl for me who is currently single and open to meeting someone new....its tough out there OP but dont give up hope just yet, the girl for you could just be around the corner....Im hoping so anyway.

louisecm

I'm 26 and single, wondering the same thing about decent men over 25 really! I think there must be though, lets not drop our standards.

LegacyUser

Im a 28 yo bloke and also never had a relationship. i'm not a very good looking guy so never had that animal magnetism but sometimes I get frustrated and think to myself do i really deserve to be alone always?

_blank_

Are there any decent girls over 25?

What kind of a question is that?

Of course there are.

When I met my gf she was 33, and I suppose she's decent enough.

Gyalist

Hate to tell you this but IHAB (I have a boyfriend) is one of the oldest female ways of giving a guy she has no romantic interest in the brush-off. She may have been telling you the truth but if she viewed you as a "high value" male she'd move heaven and earth to be with you.

My advice to you is this: social skills can be learned. Go out and socialise and learn to be comfortable in the company of women. At 25 you have most of your life ahead of you so to be thinking already of forever being alone is very negative.

Blue_Wolf

your 25, you would swear you are 40 the way your going on about time running out. Saying that there are a lot of single 40 year olds out there having the time of their life. Stop worrying!
IMO going out of your way looking for someone is like watching the clock and it feels like forever.
Relax, go out and enjoy yourself and lets things happen naturally and Good luck

Blue_Wolf

louisecm wrote: »

I'm 26 and single, wondering the same thing about decent men over 25 really! I think there must be though, lets not drop our standards.

Come to Dublin and you will find some handsome young batchelors

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again.

Appreciate all the replies. I can assure you that my original post was a genuine question; I wasn’t trolling or taking the piss. Sorry if it came across as a bit of a rant- I was feeling a bit tired and fed-up when I wrote it the other night.

Ok, the general consensus is that it would be unwise to approach the girl again, and that she will be able to find me in future. Well, I should have mentioned that I won’t be in a position to see her again from the middle of next week (the course is finishing up). So, bearing this in mind, maybe it would be worth making one final approach? Otherwise, she definitely won’t be able to contact me or find me if she ever does become single again.






=“Try not to think about it too much or make every new female friend into a potential girlfriend.”
=“IMO going out of your way looking for someone is like watching the clock and it feels like forever.”
I’m not like that at all. I’m not looking for a relationship for the sake of convenience. The only reason that I wanted a relationship with this particular girl was because I was actually mad about her!




@Gyalist: I honestly think she does have a boyfriend. Just the way she reacted seemed like she was telling the truth. Tbh, I’d be pretty pissed off if she just said something like that to get rid of me. If she is genuinely single, I think it may be worthwhile approaching her again to see if she would at least give me a chance. What do you think?


Also, can you elaborate on the "high value" male aspect please? What does this mean exactly? I’m quite interested to know.

I assume you are talking about physical attractiveness- Are you saying that if she was genuinely attracted to me, she would have given me a chance by going for a coffee with me, even if she had a boyfriend at the time?

LegacyUser

Any opinions? I'm seriously thinking of talking to her again tomorrow... any advice appreciated

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

Hate to tell you this but IHAB (I have a boyfriend) is one of the oldest female ways of giving a guy she has no romantic interest in the brush-off. She may have been telling you the truth but if she viewed you as a "high value" male she'd move heaven and earth to be with you.

My advice to you is this: social skills can be learned. Go out and socialise and learn to be comfortable in the company of women. At 25 you have most of your life ahead of you so to be thinking already of forever being alone is very negative.

And what, pray tell, is a "high value" male ?

Way to build the guy's confidence btw.

Wibbs

Gyalist wrote: »

Hate to tell you this but IHAB (I have a boyfriend) is one of the oldest female ways of giving a guy she has no romantic interest in the brush-off.

Or just another way of testing how far you'll take it. I've been in a few situations where someone has told me IHAB* and she kept telling me right up to point where *ahem* the curtain was drawn for the pre watershed easily upset crowd(and women have told me similar with the IHAGF(?) line). The way I look at it is this, at this stage I put less store in what someone is saying, more what someone is doing.

In the OP's case though I would say game over with that woman. The fact you took the guts of a year to ask her her feelings is not good. 1) she most likely knew your feelings 11 months 30 days and 12 hours ago and 2) this would have put her off as you did nada about it for all that time.

Treat it as a learning experience. A bump on the road that you can avoid in future.

IMHO in future, grasp the nettle and do something right away or lose out pretty much. That's your hope and given by this example you've not done that yet, the world's your oyster. You just don't see it yet.

As for finding the right person. Man or woman, you won't until you look to yourself and realise what you actually want and then by meeting as many people as possible you may actually find it.





*That's shortened to that now? I need to keep up.:)

Board Walker

Des wrote: »

Are there any decent girls over 25?

What kind of a question is that?

Of course there are.

When I met my gf she was 33, and I suppose she's decent enough.

i hope to god she's not on this forum or your in big ****! :pac::pac::pac::pac:

Wibbs

? :S wrote: »

And what, pray tell, is a "high value" male ?

OK I dunno Gyalist's definition, but for me a high value male is one that knows his own worth and even if he gets a knockback like we all do, in life and love, still holds onto that worth and feels less of a need to ask "why doesn't she like me/why can't I find a woman". I would say much the same of a high value woman(and IMHO they have it harder than men think). It's a long enough road to walk to get to that, but it's walkable.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response Wibbs. I know I messed up the other day. I was confident initially in my approach and when I was talking to her, but I kind of panicked when she told me she had a boyfriend, and I just left it at that. In hindsight, I definitely should have pursued it further. Also, it's actually over a year since I first noticied her, which I know is ridiculous, and I won't make the same mistake again.


However, seeing as I only first spoke to her the other day, do you not think it would be okay to pursue the matter again tomorrow? I'm not asking her to marry me or anything like that.....

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

OK I dunno Gyalist's definition, but for me a high value male is one that knows his own worth and even if he gets a knockback like we all do, in life and love, still holds onto that worth and feels less of a need to ask "why doesn't she like me/why can't I find a woman". I would say much the same of a high value woman(and IMHO they have it harder than men think). It's a long enough road to walk to get to that, but it's walkable.

An interesting definition Wibbs but Gyalist said "She may have been telling you the truth but if she viewed you as a "high value" male she'd move heaven and earth to be with you.", logically implying that the women's decision about the man's "value" was made before she saw his reaction to the knockback. It could even imply that if he was "high value" enough then the woman would not care if she actually had a boyfriend or not.

Wibbs

John_Unreg wrote: »

Also, it's actually over a year since I first noticied her, which I know is ridiculous, and I won't make the same mistake again.

Which is the main thing entirely and kudos if you follow that mantra. Hard though it may be at times.

However, seeing as I only first spoke to her the other day, do you not think it would be okay to pursue the matter again tomorrow? I'm not asking her to marry me or anything like that.....

I dunno, IMHO with the time that has passed, you're likely outa the loop and she's thinking one way about you, but since neither me nor you, know what's really going on with her, sure give it a low key go. If it goes well, then result, if not even more practice on moving forward.

? :S wrote:

logically implying that the women's decision about the man's "value" was made before she saw his reaction to the knockback.

Yep pretty much her decision would have been predicated on the years inaction from the OP. Then again she may not have been interested a year ago for whatever reason. We don't know. The OP doesn't, hell she may have not at the time. I would say that men and women judge the "social value" of the man or woman very quickly upon meeting. Men just tend to do it more visually, so it's more obvious.

It could even imply that if he was "high value" enough then the woman would not care if she actually had a boyfriend or not.

Obviously IMHO, and depending on the person and the state of her relationship I would agree with that in many cases. I've seen it up close in men and women quite a few times, where someone significantly "better" came along and they jumped ship. If Johnny Depp(or whomever tickles ya) actually came up to many women and made an actual offer of a proper full on relationship with him, then there's few enough would say no. Same goes for men(not with Mr Depp of course).

LegacyUser

^^ That's exactly what I thought too S, but to be perfectly honest I don't have too much belief in any of this "high value male" stuff. I think that most women, provided they were in a happy, stable relationship, wouldn't run off with Brad Pitt if he walked up to them- I could be wrong though. I'm interested to see what Gyalist says....


And Wibbs, how could this girl possibly know whether I value my self-worth, ie whether I am a high value male? I was only talking to her for a minute, she didn't even get the chance to see my personality.

Polleta

I'm not sure what the person meant by 'high value' but I do know that I for one wouldn't be taking up any guy even as you say Brad Pitt if I'm happy in my relationship!

I would say if you want to chat to her tomorrow go ahead but I would go in with something on the lines of 'Sorry if I was out of turn yesterday(whatever day it was) but I couldnt let a gorgeous girl walk out of my life without giving it a try' Though I think it would need to be said with a jokey smile rather than being very serious.

I have definitely used the I have a boyfriend line.. generally in a club situation though rather than when I'm asked out properly.

peekyboo

John_Unreg wrote: »

^^ That's exactly what I thought too S, but to be perfectly honest I don't have too much belief in any of this "high value male" stuff. I think that most women, provided they were in a happy, stable relationship, wouldn't run off with Brad Pitt if he walked up to them

Exactly! This 'high value' male is nonsense really. Well done to you OP for going up to her, you should be walking on air that you were so brave and confident. I know it's disappointing now but you WILL get over this and you WILL meet more lovely girls. I was in my late-twenties when I met my first serious boyfriend and I felt the same way you are now. You will be fine!

Wibbs

John_Unreg wrote: »

And Wibbs, how could this girl possibly know whether I value my self-worth, ie whether I am a high value male? I was only talking to her for a minute, she didn't even get the chance to see my personality.

I also reckon a reliance on the idea of the high value male bit is a bit much too, but people make up their mind pretty quickly when they meet someone, male or female. The subconscious stuff. We all subconsciously look to get the "best" we can get.

Let's flip it around the other way. Say a "high value" woman. How do most guys spot this? Visually for the most part. A stunning woman walks in to a room/club and the men will flag her as gorgeous(depending on taste of course, but in general). This makes her a "higher value"(on visuals anyway) than a woman who is much plainer.

Now women also do this, but as well as the visual are looking at other stuff too. So a good looking guy walks in, that steps up his value, but an average guy who is socially aware and obviously popular also steps him up. Throw in confidence(not arrogance) and that steps him up more.

Two guys, hypothetically(and taking the extreme) say identical twins. One comes in, is barely noticeable, on his own, not interacting much. Ends up talking to a woman and is tongue tied and socially awkward and makes the woman feel like she's doing all the work in the convo.

Second bloke, identical looking, walks in. Is interacting with mates, who are clearly glad to see him. Says hello to women he knows in a nice way and they are happy to see him, gets talking with a woman, listening to her, making her feel relaxed and is obviously a bit of fun and confident.

All things being equal which one do you think is more attractive and is going to get a date if he asks?

That could all happen in 5 minutes, so the initial signals you put out will be judged. Now people may deny they're judging, but they are. We all do it. Make pretty snap decisions that stick pretty hard. Now over time if they get to know the person they may change their minds. Hence you get the "I didn't like him at first, but one day I fell for him". It's harder to do though and more likely friendzone beckons, as you've been written off from the get go.

That's what I personally mean by high value. The second guy is the one to emulate, not the first.

LegacyUser

Walked past her this morning, and tried to make eye contact, but she just blanked me. So, I decided not to speak to her after that as it would probably have been a bad idea. Maybe a sign that she didn't like me at all or else thinks I'm stalking her now.

peekyboo wrote: »

Well done to you OP for going up to her, you should be walking on air that you were so brave and confident.

Not really, I feel quite depressed, frustrated, disappointed that she didn't say yes. I could have said a lot more, and even taken it a bit further (as others have suggested) as she seemed open and friendly enough at the time. Gutted.

LegacyUser

Would it be a good idea to try and talk to her on Monday again, or would this look like stalking? This really is my last chance, as I'll never ever see her again when the course finishes. So, should I talk to her again, or just move on..... Any opinions?

peekyboo

John_Unreg wrote: »

Would it be a good idea to try and talk to her on Monday again, or would this look like stalking? This really is my last chance, as I'll never ever see her again when the course finishes. So, should I talk to her again, or just move on..... Any opinions?

Sorry to say OP but if she blanked you then probably best to leave it. I know it's difficult but if you're not going to see her it should be easier to forget her in time.

LegacyUser

peekyboo wrote: »

Sorry to say OP but if she blanked you then probably best to leave it. I know it's difficult but if you're not going to see her it should be easier to forget her in time.

Ok, thanks. You're probably right. I won't bother with her on Monday.

John Mason

Des wrote: »

When I met my gf she was 33, and I suppose she's decent enough.

spare room much?

yes there are loads of good women over 25. i suggust you do an iati course, 99% of the course are women and are over 25

G-Money

Sounds like you've decided to just leave thing and IMHO, that is the right thing to do. You've made your sales pitch and it didn't work, sorry to hear that. But seeing she's blanked you etc, don't do anything more about it.

I definitely wouldn't give her your number at this point. If you do, it kind of looks desperate, plus if you know she has your number, you will be looking at your phone hoping she texts or calls. If you don't give her your number and you go your seperate ways, yeah it will hurt for a while. But you'll eventually find it easier to move on.

For what it's worth, and a few other posters have mentioned it too, we all go through phases like that. You spend what seems like an eternity single and occasionally you meet a girl who fires up some sort of animal reaction and 9 times out of 10, they are not available. It's a pretty depressing situation. I've been in it loads of times myself. Either the girl isn't available or like what happened to me about 6 months ago, she wasn't ready for anything serious. I go through phases of being really down about the same things as you OP, but you just have to try and think of other things.

Here's a tip that might help you. Think of the last girl you really liked, before the one you posted about. Do you still pine after her? I'm guessing not So try to focus on how you've moved on from her. Eventually, you will move on from this one. After a while the romantic mist will have disappeared and you'll see her how she really is. Just another person with faults like the rest of us.

Seriously dude, this feeling will go away and you'll eventually move on. Like I say I was nuts about that girl 6 months ago, now though, I've pretty much moved on. What helps though is that we never speak now. Which I think is ultimately one of the main reasons you shouldn't stay in contact.

Also, try not to get sucked into the scarecity mentality, meaning to think there's a severe lack of single attractive (to you) women. Don't get me wrong, there are some girls out there who will perpetuate that there's a lack of single girls in an order to make themselves seem better, but trust me dude, there is no shortage. I've been in the same situation as you, wondering how some people just go from one relationship to another etc. There are some people and they just can't seem to exist if they aren't with someone. I don't think that's the healthiest thing in the world so you already have a leg up on them.

In the mean time, go out with your mates, do anything and everything to get this girl off your mind. Even if you still like her, go talk to other girls. You will be surprised at how if you talk to a girl you are even the slightest bit interested in, this girl from the course will disappear from your thoughts. Plus it will make you feel like you are moving on.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm turning 32 and I've still not had a serious relationship. So relax, you've plenty of time!

prinz

I'd leave this girl alone. At least she had the manners to be straight forward and polite with you. Could've been worse, you could've gotten the ice queen treatment.

My advice is to use the confidence and courage you worked up to go ask a few more girls on a date. You've done it once, and got knocked back, it can't get any worse, so just go for it. Ask ask ask. Even if you don't like the girl immediately ask her out. You have to look through the rough to find your diamond. Definitely do not fall back into the pattern of waiting and waiting until you work up the confidence to approach a girl. Chances are she'll be taken then too.

LegacyUser

grandmaster wrote: »

Here's a tip that might help you. Think of the last girl you really liked, before the one you posted about. Do you still pine after her? I'm guessing not So try to focus on how you've moved on from her. Eventually, you will move on from this one. After a while the romantic mist will have disappeared and you'll see her how she really is. Just another person with faults like the rest of us.

Thanks grandmaster, very helpful reply. I've tried that tip you mentioned since I last saw her on Friday, but tbh it doesn't take away the disappointment I have in knowing that I messed up a bit last week when I heard she had a boyfriend. The more I think about it, the more I think she was just giving me a line to get rid of me, or perhaps she didn't like being put on the spot there and then and just said it instinctively. Who knows, maybe she really does have a boyfriend.... However, I could have handled it a bit better, and perhaps pursued the situation a bit further.



I have liked other girls previously, but believe me nothing like this one at all. It just seemed that this particular girl was perfect for me, especially being in the same course. As it happens, I didn't even see her today, so I am trying to move on, but it's very difficult at the moment. Thanks again for the reply.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

I'd leave this girl alone. At least she had the manners to be straight forward and polite with you. Could've been worse, you could've gotten the ice queen treatment.

My advice is to use the confidence and courage you worked up to go ask a few more girls on a date. You've done it once, and got knocked back, it can't get any worse, so just go for it. Ask ask ask. Even if you don't like the girl immediately ask her out. You have to look through the rough to find your diamond. Definitely do not fall back into the pattern of waiting and waiting until you work up the confidence to approach a girl. Chances are she'll be taken then too.

(1) I have left her alone. Haven't spoken to her at all since I asked her out. Didn't even see her around today. I agree with you though, she was quite straightforward and polite.

(2) Not interested in asking other girls out right now. Just need a bit of a break to think about things, and what I want in the long-term.

(3) I don't lack confidence or courage in approaching women. It was different with this particular girl because I was mad about her, absolutely infatuated. If I had a choice between her and some supermodel, I'd definitely choose her. I know that sounds completely illogical, but that's how much I liked her. It was much more difficult to approach this girl as I had waited far too long, and as a result put far too much pressure on myself. I was confident initially, but I panicked when I heard she had a boyfriend. There are a lot of things I could have said to that, even a witty response, but I kind of messed it up unfortunately.

(4) I don't see the point in asking out other girls, or asking for their number. Sure, if I see another girl which I like, then I won't hesitate like last time. I've learned my lesson. However, I don't see the point in asking out I girl that I don't initially fancy- I'm not a time waster, so I don't want to waste some girl's time if I'm not really into her.

A lot of people here seem to think that I lack confidence or social skills in approaching women. I can assure I'm not like this in normal situations, and I have no problem asking out a girl at all. As I said before, the situation with this girl was completely different in that I put far too much pressure on myself. And even then, I was quite confident when I approached her, and when I was talking to initially/asking her out. I just panicked when I heard she had a boyfriend.


Thanks anyway for the response. I will try to move on and forget about her.

spacetweek

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

Stop worrying!
IMO going out of your way looking for someone is like watching the clock and it feels like forever.
Relax, go out and enjoy yourself and lets things happen naturally and Good luck

Have to say I don't agree with that! Waiting for something to happen usually results in nothing happening.

I had v.few gfs before this one, and the reason we hooked up is because I started making an effort and pushing girls a bit more.

When I was 18-22 I fancied a girl for years on end, very same thing happened, once I finally got to know her it turned out she was off the market.

Gotta go with what someone else said, make a move very quickly, that way the knock-back is much easier to deal with.

LegacyUser

spacetweek wrote: »

Have to say I don't agree with that! Waiting for something to happen usually results in nothing happening.

I had v.few gfs before this one, and the reason we hooked up is because I started making an effort and pushing girls a bit more.

When I was 18-22 I fancied a girl for years on end, very same thing happened, once I finally got to know her it turned out she was off the market.

Gotta go with what someone else said, make a move very quickly, that way the knock-back is much easier to deal with.

Thanks, I agree with you- I won't be waiting for something to happen next time- that's exactly the mistake I made with this girl. I waited far too long.

It sounds like you went through a similar experience to me. I've learned my lesson this time alright. I think the fact that I waited so long allowed me to become attached to this girl (sounds stupid seeing as I didn't even know her), which made the knock-back so much more difficult.

Do you mind me asking, did you ever get over that girl you fancied from 18-22, and if so how long did it take to get over her? I'm finding it really difficult at the moment, not eating or sleeping right, and I just can't take my mind off her and what I could have said at the time.

G-Money

I'm a firm believer in the phrase "When one door shuts, another one opens". You will feel down for a while but that's normal. I'm not saying you are suddenly going to be over it just like that. Just don't make it even more difficult for yourself by constantly thinking about it. Do some other stuff in an attempt to take your mind off it.

Good luck dude. In a few months, you will look back and wonder what was so special about her. It's always the way.