euro sabotage

barrabus

sent euro rules to friend on face book and some infidel had sabotaged them ....



Common Interest - Politics
Description:
Welcome to the largest and most active cycling group on Facebook. There are rules. Read on.

******-The Official Rules of the Euro Cyclist-******

Endorsed Products

-GU Nutrition
-Giro
-Shimano
-Nike
-Reebok
-Primal Wear
-Scattante complete bikes from Performance Bike
-GT Bicycles
-Schwinn Bicycles
-Bell Helmets
-CycleAware Reflex Mirrors
-Kryptonite Locks
-CamelBak Hydration Systems
-FinishLine Chain Cleaner Kits
-Garmin/Chipotle Apparel
-Forte' Clip-on Aero Bars
-Pearl Izumi shorts (black)
-Profile Design Aqua Rack (rear bottle cages)
-Coppertone Sun Block
-Performance illumNITE helmet covers
-Gore brand Skull Caps/Bandanas
-Greenspeed Recumbent Bikes
-TerraTrike Recumbent Racers
-Hanes tube socks
-Cycle-Ops Wind trainers
-Walkman
-Voler
-Ford
-Day Glo Rain Jackets
-Trek Bicycles
-Jamis Bicycles
-Specialized; esp. Roubaix model
-Giant
-Swobo Fixed gear
-Critical Mass Rides
-Zoot

===member counter===

March 18, 2007 Mike comes up with the idea for OREC
March 22, 2007 12:33am... just dom... (mario's birthday)
June 13, 2007 - 500 members
August 29, 2007 - 1000 members
October 8, 2007 - 1500 members
November 26, 2007 - 2000 members
February 1, 2008 - 2500 members
March 20, 2008 - 3000 members
May 1, 2008 - 3500 members
June 18, 2008 - 4000 members
July 28, 2008 - 4500 members
Sept 6, 2008 - 5000 members
October 28, 2008 - 5500 members
December 16, 2008 - 6000 members
January 16, 2009 - 6500 members
February 14, 2009 - 7000 members
March 17, 2009 - 7500 members

The Official Rules of The Euro Cyclist,
©2007-2009 Dominic Guiver and Michael Flavell

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"Euro. It's when, at the end of a race, you have energy goo all over your face and bike, and you look thoroughly retarded." S.A.H.
Contact Info
Office:
Guiver/Flavell Euro Enterprises SpA
Recent News
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********************* -THE OFFICIAL EURO CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT- ********************

created by Admins and Officers

1. Your training shall be based on the Cyclist’s Training Bible and the use of a heart rate monitor on every ride. The overanalysis of training data is STRONGLY ENCOURAGED.

2. The Euro Cyclist shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear white spandex bibs (bibs, regardless of colour are BANNED). Shorts will extend approximately 3/3rds of the way down the upper leg. An exception will be made in the case of triathletes, for whom the shorts shall extend 1/8 to 1/6 of the way down the upper leg.

3. An even, pasty lack of tan is desired. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan shall reflect the level of training commitment.

4. The socks of the Euro Cyclist shall never extend further than one (1) inch past the shoe. All socks SHALL BE BLACK in colour with minimal logo placement. Athletic socks found at Wall Mart also work well.

5. Cycling shoes shall contain at least 80% black. Mountain bike shoes are preferable due to their comfort, style and versatility.

6. Glasses are to be worn under helmet straps at all times. Buy cheap glasses (with 100% UV protection, of course) – no one will know the difference! (except for your wallet!!!) Remember, thrifty is nifty.

7. Helmets are to be worn when venturing outdoors AT ALL TIMES, and are key when wandering into gas stations to buy a powerbar and gatorade.

8. If you don’t have enough kit to use clean kit every day, just wash your jersey and shorts out in the shower after your ride. It’s quick and easy!

9. Campy is too expensive and the internally routed cables don’t allow you to tie various good luck charms to the cabling. It is highly recommended you use 105 or even Ultegra if you’re a big spender and out there to race with the best.

10. Make sure that you have enough spacers and stem rise to prevent back pain. An upright position is more powerful. Also, carbon bars and stems help dampen vibration and keep your bike nice and light!

11. Try a sprint triathlon for fun and fitness! Why not ‘tri’ it out!!!!

12. Any sexual activity the morning before a race is frowned upon, sex after racing shall be done missionary with the lights off.

13. Cycling gloves shall be black, padded and long-fingered. Always wear gloves, just in case you fall. They’ll protect against road rash. Blue and black gloves will match your U.S. Postal jersey and black shorts nicely for that ‘pro’ look all your friends will envy!

14. In the event that a motorist comes within 6 feet of your path, swerve wildly in response. This will communicate your resentment to the people riding your wheel as well as to the offending motorist.

15. Make sure your junk is well-adjusted at all times. Do this by moving it around visibly while you ride by people.

16. ABSOLUTELY NO FORM of razor shall come within six (6) feet of your face or legs, you don’t want your friends to think you’re a pussy or anything.

17. Compact gearing lets you spin an easy gear to save your legs, just like Lance! Keep your cadence high at all times!

18. Techno is for gays. Listen to Creed, Nickelback or Sheryl Crow while riding your stationary trainer.

19. Remember to lock your bike up with a kryptonite brand lock, even if you’re going inside for only a minute or two. Bike thieves are everywhere! Locks can be conveniently stored on your bike using the supplied frame mounts.

20. When asked "how are you?" while riding you must explain your training plan down to its most minute detail. The person you’re talking with wants to know all about it.

21. In order to avoid the harsh winter, you shall ride your stationary trainer in the basement while watching old (e.g. Lance-era) Tour de France tapes. Do this no more than once every two weeks in order to avoid overtraining.

22. Tats are rad!! Get one with some skulls and eagles and ****. Barbed wire tats show the other riders how bad ass you are.

23. If you crash and tear your black shorts while mountain biking, don’t throw them away! Just wear them under your black tights for added padding!

24. Ensure your jersey fits loosely to ensure appropriate airflow (it keeps you cool!). If your favorite jersey is in the wash don’t fret, just use an old baggy t-shirt tucked into your shorts.

25. Ensure you wear your heart rate monitor at all times, and wildly announce how you’re down to 65 beats a minute when sitting in your office and the mail person drops by.

26. Be sure to stay hydrated! The euro cyclist will carry at least 2 litre sized bottles on every ride. Remember, there’s always space behind your seat for an extra 3 bottles!

27. Be sure to stay prepared for anything the road may throw at you. Bring at least 3 extra tubes along with several patch kits, an extra tire, foldable spokes, spare brake pads and shifting cables! Your friends will all love how you can save the day when somebody runs over a porcupine!

28. After a race it is important that everybody knows how tired you are. Leaning your bike up against a tree, the euro cyclist will then proceed to stumble around while gulping down recovery drink. Heavy panting with hands on knees and/or sitting down on the grass is strongly encouraged.

29. Running in addition to using elliptical machines twice a week is highly recommended to ensure you don’t strain your cycling muscle groups.

30. Paint yellow stripes on your bike to show how trendy you are in supporting lance. Remember its better to show others you how much you care by wearing at least 3 livestrong bracelets at all times instead of making a donation!

31. Don’t worry if your favorite saddle is worn out and black from 16 years of riding, that’s why you bought a black saddle to begin with!

32. Don’t worry if your bar tape gets a little messy or torn up, and if it gets too bad you can just fix it up yourself with some duct tape.

33. Be sure to attack pointlessly on recovery rides with your friends or a group. Nobody will even try to question your strength if you show them you can go off the front 5 minutes into the ride or on a small climb. Panting is strongly endorsed on any form of climb.

34. If you crash your new carbon fibre bike, be sure to phone your local bike shop and ask if there is any chance that it will unravel during your next group ride. Complain about a lack of stiffness, and demand to know whether this is because of micro fractures in the carbon.

35. Never ride tubulars because tri-guy 69 on slowtwich forums says that they are hard to get on, and they could roll off the rim resulting in your immediate death and expensive repairs after trying endlessly to get discounts at the local shop for no reason whatsoever.

36. Never use deep wheels in crosswinds. Zipp 404's are far too deep to control when you're plummeting along at 32 km/hr. Combined with your extremely euro ability to swerve uncontrollably at the smallest crack in the road, you’ll be able to out maneuver the whole pack on the next group ride.

37. Leave a big gap between your helmet and your glasses. Exposing your forehead more than normal cools off vital nerves, channeling lactic acid away from your calves. Wearing your helmet off the back of your head is also more aerodynamic.

38. Check out the new integrated TT helmet/hydration system. Use all of that empty space inside your aero lid to hold water and sports drinks. The camelback hose attaches to a chin strap and lets you effortlessly hydrate. Optional model uses two hoses, one on either side of the helmet to supply both water, and hammer gel. Alternate between both with the large red knob located on top of the helmet. Be careful not to crash when you take your hand off the aerobars.

39. Saddle bags are acceptable so long as they have ornate gold stitching and dangle precariously close to your rear wheel. Be sure to pack all the essentials described in rule 27.

40. ‘Chervelo’ bikes are the best. A Soloist with K-force handlebars and Zipp 404 clinchers is your ideal choice for participating in both races and triathlons. Remember to keep the saddle in the tri position at all times, and attach uncut aerobars for optimal aerodynamics.

41. When riding at dusk, helmet mounted nightvision goggles are gaining popularity. Use the same technology perfected in Iraq and Afghanistan to prevent you from hitting potholes and killing small animals. Can be linked to the Garmin 705, and offers instant downloadable data with a usb stick. Rumor has it that new versions will offer a cadence-meter that shows up on your HUD ensuring that you will never dip below 120.

42. Only ergonomic handlebars over 46 mm in width are permitted. The dedicated hand positions ensure that one can focus on maintaining their supremely high cadence.

43. Saddles must be pointed downwards at a MINIMUM 30 degree angle to properly sustain the erection achieved from closely monitoring one's average cadence.

44. Race numbers will remain on one's bike while it's being transported via roof rack (or preferably trunk mounted rack). This will make it impossible for passing motorists to ignore the fact that you've just completed a sprint triathlon. The more digits in your number, the better. It is preferable to keep the race numbers on your bike for at least 4 training rides after said triathlon/race.

45. The rider will have a MINIMUM of 6 Powergels or GUs tucked under their leg grippers for instantaneous access to a semen-esque carbohydrate source.

46. Reusable gel flasks are preferred, and are best accessed via a dedicated belt retention system.

47. Remember, safety is your primary objective. In order to be proactive and defensive, one shall permanently mount a small circular rear-facing mirror on the left side of his helmet visor. This mirror shall extend NO LESS than 6 inches to the outside of one's helmet.

48. Bar mounted mirrors that clip on to your drops are highly recommended if you are going to be riding in high traffic areas (which you are, because your intense training regiment requires you to ride everywhere!). These mirrors will be mounted on both sides, NO EXCEPTIONS!

49. When on a group ride, be sure to always half wheel the guy beside you. This ensures that they know who's faster at all times.

50. The euro cyclist should not drink coffee of any form but get their caffeine from red bull and monster energy drinks, its cooler this way, and everybody knows how intense you are in your energy needs.

51. The beers of choice for the euro cyclist are busch, pabst blue ribbon, bud light, miller high life.

CheGuedara

But where's rule 52?

52. If participating in cycling for the sole reason of attempting to loosen >50 years of pie-eating associated plaque from ones arteries and slabs of adipose from ones waist one must a) invest in full Pro peloton team kit (but not the helmet) and b) buy a bike whose colours clash so badly with the purchased kit, and mis-matching helmet, that all on lookers require either trauma counseling or sedative medication.

ba

this is CRAP.

CheGuedara

ah, it's just april fools - I've seen worse jokes on the internets today...

scottreynolds

Actually that sounds more like a boards ride than an april fools.