My favorite golf joke

ShriekingSheet

Prob doesn't translate to written word but here goes...

A life-time golfer passed away after a long and and healthy life, and a retirement that saw him whittle his worn-out 12 h'cap down to 9 in his twilight years.

He shows up at the pearly gates of heaven to find St. Peter rustling through his files. "Hmmmm..." ponders St. Peter with a frown, "you have lead a generally good life I see... but there are some worrying reports here of you taking the Lord's name in vain to an excessive extent, I'm not sure I can let you into Heaven..."

"But St. Peter..." says the man, "I was provoked." St. Peter raises a questioning eyebrow. "I was on the 18th in Slade Valley, index 2, with 39 points after 17 holes on the last day of the Captain's Prize. I hit a beautiful drive down the centre of the fairway. But it landed in an old divot, three inches deep"

"That is terrible" replied St Peter, "but it's no excuse for..." the man interrupted. "No, no, I didn't swear, I actually played the ball out of the divot quite well. A great strike with a 3 iron, that flew straight at the flag. But unfortunately it fell a yard short, kicked side-ways off the bank and under a tree...".

"That's incredibly unfortunate said St. Peter but still...". Again the man interrupted. "No, I still kept the head and did not use any profanity. I took my wedge and played the shot on my knees, out from under the tree, trickling down to three feet from the pin..."

Aghast, St Peter exclaimed, "don't tell me you missed the f*cking putt!!??"

Mister Sifter

The last at Slade Valley is stroke index 3.

Otherwise i would've laughed...

Blunder

Did he get a prize for 41 points?

kagni

The Guards are called to a domestic disturbance and find this fellow standing over the body of his wife.
He is holding a golf club and she has been svagely bludgeoned to death.
The Guard says "Jaysus ,you really did a job on her, how many times you hit her"?
Husband replies..........7 or 8.
But put me down for 5.:o

WHIP IT!

kagni wrote: »

The Guards are called to a domestic disturbance and find this fellow standing over the body of his wife.
He is holding a golf club and she has been svagely bludgeoned to death.
The Guard says "Jaysus ,you really did a job on her, how many times you hit her"?
Husband replies..........7 or 8.
But put me down for 5.:o

Heh Heh - love that one...

BunkerMentality

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,
Perplexed

ajsp.

What about the joke names on shots.

You know when you hit a very poor shot and it ends up next to the hole it's a sister-in-law shot.
You're up there and you know you shouldn't be.


Or the Ryanair shot. Looks good in the air but lands no where near where it's ment to.

Mister Sifter

The Sonia O'Sullivan - not the best looking, but runs like ****.

soundsham

Two strangers meet at their local club and decide to go out to play a few holes together, as they are playing away they see a couple of holes ahead there are 2 ladies, the lads gain on the ladies and by mistake on a bit of a blind tee shot one of the guys hits down close to the where the ladies are, so as you do he heads down to apologise but half way down he turns around and comes back to the tee, he tells his partner that as he approached the ladies he noticed one of them was his wife but the other was his mistress, so the 2nd guy says no prob i'll say 'twas me and off he goes to say sorry,when he is half way down he too turns around and comes back, the guy who hit the shot says "whats wrong?", the second guy says "well thats some fcukin coincidence!!"

conno16

soundsham wrote: »

Two strangers meet at their local club and decide to go out to play a few holes together, as they are playing away they see a couple of holes ahead there are 2 ladies, the lads gain on the ladies and by mistake on a bit of a blind tee shot one of the guys hits down close to the where the ladies are, so as you do he heads down to apologise but half way down he turns around and comes back to the tee, he tells his partner that as he approached the ladies he noticed one of them was his wife but the other was his mistress, so the 2nd guy says no prob i'll say 'twas me and off he goes to say sorry,when he is half way down he too turns around and comes back, the guy who hit the shot says "whats wrong?", the second guy says "well thats some fcukin coincidence!!"

not great, in my opinion
prob wont be using it in future

Jeffm587

some recent posts by one particular poster I have found hillarious

Jasonw

the Dennis Wise - A nasty little 5 footer.

WHIP IT!

Jasonw wrote: »

the Dennis Wise - A nasty little 5 footer.

The Adolf Hitler: Took two shots in a bunker...

The Arthur Scargill: Good strike but a poor result...

Benny Cake

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the
wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blond!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how
long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over
and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and
pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and
begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's
Irish Whiskey?" asked the blond ..
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blond reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!"
shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blond started to slowly unzip the long front
of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don' t tell me that you've got golf clubs in there
too!"

ajsp.

WHIP IT! wrote: »

The Adolf Hitler: Took two shots in a bunker...

The Arthur Scargill: Good strike but a poor result...

Hehe, good one

staker

Two blokes are chatting at a bar in Spain when it transpires they're both on golfing breaks.
They decide to play a round the following morning at 9.00.
"Look" says the first fella,"I may be 20 minutes late,but hang on for me,I'll be on".
The second bloke thinks nothing of it, but sure enough your man turns up twenty minutes late the following morning.
They both go round with matching scores,so they decide to go again the next morning again.
"Look, I might be 20 minutes late again,but hang on,I'll be on"
The second lad takes this as a bit odd but lets it pass.
Sure enough,he turns up 20 minutes late again, and on the first tee, pulls out a left-handed set of clubs and proceeds to drive off.
Now this is absurd, seeing as the day before he had done very well with a right-handed set.
They both shoot good scores and retire to the nineteenth.
"Jeez, that's a great talent you have there"
"How do you mean?"
"Well" your man says" how good you play off both sides...."
"Arragh, tisn't all that hard at all"
"But how do you decide which set of clubs to bring each day??"
"Easy.." says the first bloke.
"When I wake up in the morning, I have a look to see which way the missus is sleeping. Well,if she's on her left side,I'll bring the left-handed set; if she's on her right, I'll bring the right handed set!
and if she's sleeping on her back, I'll be 20 minutes late!!":p:p

ajsp.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: 'Its golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

forumfiend

Jasonw wrote: »

the Dennis Wise - A nasty little 5 footer.

The Jim Molyneaux - a tentative wee prod

thegen

An Adolf - taking two shots in a bunker

An Arthur Scargill - great strike but a poor result

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson - shouldn't have, but got away with it

A Condom - safe but didn't feel right

An elephant's arsehole - it's high; and it stinks

A sister-in-law - I'm up there, but I know that I shouldn't be

A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner

An IRA shot - a provisional

A Diego Maradonna / Dennis Wise - nasty five footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems

A gynaecologist's assistant - just shaves the hole

Does your husband play? - for when a man hits a short tee shot

A Cuban - needs one more revolution

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water

A Marylin Monroe - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie")

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Michael Jackson - fading away

An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

A Tony Blair - too much spin

A Bin Laden - driven out and never to be found again

A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't

--

thegen

Tiger Woods after playing th Irish Open and winning a new Volvo XC90 for a hole in one decides to tour around Ireland.

Anyway he is in West Cork when he realises he is running low on fuel and looks for a patrol station. Having found a very small local one he is happy. As he stars to fill up a the owner a man in his 80's comes out.

How are ye boy, is that the new Volvo? to which Tiger replies yes.

Can I sit into her says the man. Sure says Tiger. The man is looking around and see's some golf tee's in the centre console. What are theses he asks Tiger to which he replies Tee's. What are the for asks the man? There for putting your balls on when driving.

Short pause from man.

Well FCUK me dont Volvo think of everytin!!!!!!

istaunton

A David O'Leary - It wasnt my fault it was the club's

thegen

An Irisman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are about to tee it up one day when the starter comes over and asks them make up a fourball. The lads agree only to find out is Cindy Crawford.

After 5 1/2 hours on the couse and Cindy playin really badly they are on th 18th tee.

Cindy finally cracks one up the middle. Her second finds the green 8ft from the pin.

She turns to the lads on the green and says, gents you have been extremely patient out there today. I know I have played really bady but I will make it up to one of you. Whoever helps me get this birdie put will have a night of sex they will never forget.

Well the Englishman is in right away, Cindy it has a break of 8 inch on the left hit firm, no no says the Scotsman, hit it straight and firm and it will drop.

They look around but there is no sign of the Irishman, then the hear the bush rattling and se him taking his trousers down while saying, Cindy dont worry thats a gimme from me.

Miley Byrne

Christy Ring was talking with his friend one night. His friend was a good golfer but Christy had no idea what the game was all about. So the friend offered to take him out the following day and show him the ropes. So they met up the following day at the local club and went to the first tee, a 400 yard par 4, together. "Well" says Christy, "what do I do now?". "Well Christy, you put the ball up on the tee there and hit the ball as far as you can. Get it as close to the flag below there as possible", he said , pointing to the pin in the distance. "OK" says Christy, who proceeds to drive the ball nearly out of sight. The friend was looking at him wondering what the fcuk Christy is on!! The friend drove off too anyway and then played his 2nd to the green. When they walked to the green, there was Christy's ball about 2 inches from the pin. Christy ask his friend "Well, what do I do now?" His friend replied, "well, put it in the hole of course". To which Christy replied " Well why in the F**k didn't you tell me to do that before I hit my first shot!"

Whyner

http://www.uroclub.org/

Miley Byrne

Whyner wrote: »

http://www.uroclub.org/

Graham Norton had one of those on his show last weekend......some laugh!!!

Oliverdog

ajsp. wrote: »

What about the joke names on shots.

A Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runner

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer

A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Cuban - needs one more revolution

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect

A Kate Moss - bit thin

A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

A David Trimble - tentative prod

A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the
water

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

A Russell Grant - a fat iron

A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson - got away with it

A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but
still a good
runner

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Robin Cook - just died on the hill

A Michael Jackson - gradually fading

A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't
have the legs

An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but you

A Ken Livingstone - quite far left

A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right

A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not
what it seems

A condom - safe but didn't feel real good

A circus tent - a BIG top

An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get
a result

A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting
it

A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the
target

A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't
be

Oliverdog

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. (Remind you of anyone?)

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the
one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your
many other errors

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt, for a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like
expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still 15 feet away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight
line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a one inch branch 90% of
the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much
earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the
beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at
exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want
to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple
bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up
just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing,multiply the speed of his
back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 28, downswing =
560 mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top
and checking the position of your hands: - how many hands you have, and which
one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in
the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the
game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having
to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you
need to buy fresh ones each week.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace
his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his bunkers.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven,
he probably shot an eight or worse.

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain
surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a buggy, drink
beer, eat hot dogs and fart a lot if you are performing Brain Surgery !!!!

soundsham

Oliverdog wrote: »

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. (Remind you of anyone?)

as churchill says "oh yes!!"

brian076

A husband and wife go to their local pro for a lesson. The husband goes first while the wife waits outside. He takes a few swings as the pro watches but barely manages to get the ball off the tee. Your problem is you're holding the club too tight, just imagine you're holding your wife's breasts then try it.
So he hits 3 shots in a row over 200 yards. That's great says the man I'll keep that thought in mind when I'm playing in future.
The wife then comes in for her lesson and she has the same problem. I'll tell you what says the pro, just imagine you're gripping your husbands d**k then try it. So she does, and the ball goes about 10 yds.
That's not bad says the pro, but if you just take the club out of your mouth and grip it with your hands it might be better.

deko43

Husband and wife finish a mixed foresomes round. Husband heads for bar
while wife powders her nose. Husbands mate in bar asks "how did you get on ?". Husband replies " We were going well but I missed a putt the length
of me mickey on the last". Wife enters bar and husbands mate sympathises saying "tough luck heard you were unlucky". Yea say the wife " we missed a two inch er on the last":p

francish

Tom's tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips off the clubhouse roof. He decides it's not worth chasing so he tees up another ball and plays on. As he's making the turn at nine, his friend comes running out of the clubhouse, "Tom, wait up!" "Yeah, what is it?" "Did you see what happened to your ball from the first tee?" "Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn't see what happened to it." "Let me tell you, it richocheted off a van's window which went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at the hospital!" "Oh my God! What should I do?" " "Well, I think if you just open your club face a little bit . . ."

WHIP IT!

I always like the one about the two elderly men out playing golf when a funeral procession slowly makes it's way past the course. One of the men solemnly removes his cap and bows his head as a mark of respect.. Other man says "Wow, that was very gracious of you..." and first guy says "Well, I was married to her for 43 years after all..."

brian076

A lady goes out for a round of golf but 20 minutes later she comes back into the pro shop in tears.
What's wrong? asked the pro.
I got stung by a bee.
Whereabouts?
Between the 1st & 2nd hole.
There you are, I told you your stance was too wide.

dak

If you like golf jokes you might want to look at this thread !

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055171734&highlight=golf

Blazer

Always a classic.


A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

thegen

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a smallparish.'

thegen

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10... A below par performance
Is considered damn good.

#9... You can stop in the middle
And have a cheeseburger
And a couple of beers.

#8.... It's much easier to
Find the sweet spot.

#7.. Foursomes are encouraged.

#6... You can still make money
Doing it as a senior.

#5... Three times a day is possible

#4... Your partner doesn't hire
A lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3... If you live in Florida, you
Can do it almost everyday.

#2... You don't have to cuddle
With your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex....


#1.. If your equipment gets old
And rusty, you can replace it!

Whyner

I'm too immature not to laugh at this:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/golf/8096495.stm

McDowell makes charge in Memphis

FIRST ROUND LEADERBOARD:
(US unless stated)
-6 B Gay