Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

Mam died, now boyfriend really unsupportive

  • 01-04-2009 9:28am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My mam died of cancer last week. My bf was at the house all week with me, but all week all I did was get angry at him because he was being really unhelpful. I had to ask him to help me clean up the house for the wake etc, and I had to ask him to make an effort being nice and chatty with my family (cos he never is) etc etc.

    Now that we've come back home I thought things would be ok, but their not. I can't get on with being sad and mourning because of him. He's driving me crazy. And I know everyone will probably say i'm taking it out on him, but I'm not. I've asked him every day for the past few weeks could he be helpful and supportive (as I found out she was terminal) but he just doesn't do anything. I've asked him to take over control of the house (sorting cleaning out, food etc) which I don't think is too much, but he still wont. If I say I want to talk, I'm sure he'd be willing to talk with me. but then most of the time when i say something, he hasn't heard it properly, or hasn't listened. so how am I meant to feel I can talk to him. He's hurting me more and more every day. I feel so alone as now I really feel I have no one. I need to feel I can rely on him, to do both practical things, and be supportive emotionally, but honestly I don't know that I have either. I'm so worn out from it.

    All I can remember of last week now is arguing with him every day.


Comments

  • #2
    herya
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,571 ✭✭✭herya


    Unregistered wrote: »
    I've asked him to take over control of the house (sorting cleaning out, food etc) which I don't think is too much, but he still wont.
    ....
    I need to feel I can rely on him, to do both practical things, and be supportive emotionally, but honestly I don't know that I have either. I'm so worn out from it.

    OP, my condolences. Please take good care of yourself in these difficult times.

    Re: your BF it's a shame especially about the practical issues like running the house for you both when you can't. Not everybody is sensitive enough to provide emotional support in the face of such a tragedy (and blokes are usually worse, he might be shell shocked himself seeing you in such a state) but I can see no reason why he can't do the simple things for you.


  • #3
    Sinall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 813 ✭✭✭Sinall


    OP, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know this must be a very difficult time for you and that it will take a while to get through this. Let your grief take its natural course and perhaps look into seeing a bereavement counsellor, I have friends who have found them very helpful. Losing a loved one is never easy.

    In relation to your BF, it's possible that he just doesn't know what to do and that he feels unable to demonstrate that he is there for you. He might be totally thrown by all this himself. He should be able to help you with the house etc and I don't really see why he isn't. It sounds like you have been clear about the help that you need in that regard. Do you have any close friends or relations you can turn to for emotional support?


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sinall wrote: »
    OP, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know this must be a very difficult time for you and that it will take a while to get through this. Let your grief take its natural course and perhaps look into seeing a bereavement counsellor, I have friends who have found them very helpful. Losing a loved one is never easy.

    In relation to your BF, it's possible that he just doesn't know what to do and that he feels unable to demonstrate that he is there for you. He might be totally thrown by all this himself. He should be able to help you with the house etc and I don't really see why he isn't. It sounds like you have been clear about the help that you need in that regard. Do you have any close friends or relations you can turn to for emotional support?

    well no i dont really have anyone else. i don't have any friends, and my family are odd. its hard to explain. He's been doing a little better in the meantime but not much. i do feel quite alone. i'm seeing a counsellor,but it doesn't really help much when it's not someone who actually cares....you know?


  • #5
    Sinall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 813 ✭✭✭Sinall


    I know what you mean. The benefit of going to a counsellor is that they can take an objective view and they are trained in this type of thing. It probably is not the most comforting thing to do (despite its benefits) and I'm sure you'd just like to have someone hug you or have the support to be upset knowing someone is there for you. Going to counselling is definitely the right approach to help you cope long-term.

    It sounds like your boyfriend intends to be there for you but probably doesn't know how to cope with your grief so he is freezing up and is unable to express himself. My brother is the same when it comes to anything emotional - he would quite happily build a wall for me/change a tyre but panics if anybody needs emotional support!

    I'm so sorry that you feel alone right now OP, what you're going through is very tough. I really, really hope it gets better for you. There might be a support group you could go to - you would at least have the comfort of being with people who know what you are going through.


  • #6
    Das Kitty
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 17,231 Mod ✭✭✭✭Das Kitty


    I am very sorry for your loss OP, what a horrific thing to happen.

    I was in your shoes (although thankfully my mother is still here) with the loss of a loved one. The grieving process is such a personal thing, there could be 10 people in a house all grieving over the same thing and each of them will have different reactions.

    I suspect your boyfriend is completely at a loss as to what to do to ease this for you, but you know, nothing he can actually do is going to make you feel better, you just have to go through the process.

    I suspect that the fact that all you can remember from last week is arguing with him, is easier than remembering that your heart has been ripped out.

    Maybe what you need from him at the moment is for him to bear the brunt of your anger, but I know deep down you realise that this isn't about him at all. It's your mother's death you're angry about, not his not knowing what to do.
    Lets face it you have every ****ing right to be angry, such a cruel thing to happen.

    Being an accessory to someone's grief is not easy, but he has been there for you, physically, even if he can't coordinate his actions to give you what you need (no one can). As you come through the process you will realise that.


  • Advertisement
Advertisement