How to settle down finally and be content

iguana2005

I love to travel - since I've been 21 I have worked on boats, then lived in Australia, then Dublin for 1 year, then back down south(longest I lived in one spot f0r 4 years!), then NZ and now back home again.

Thing is....only home a few months and already I hate it..life here that is...but being honest I was miserable also in NZ for the last year hense reason for coming home....

People are starting to wonder why I cant settle - I would love to wake up and be content with life and be happy to move ahead...but I cant...constantly wishing for a better life...life is pretty dismal here in Ireland at present....

Brought up in alcoholic background....battling deppression all my life even though I am the life and soul of most parties...have a great personality(dont mope)..

What should I do???Mentally unstable or just a free spirit..
Time is getting on - in my late 30's now and relocating again is getting harder as is work and financially...no savings as spent on relocations even though I always end of with great jobs and pay...

Stheno

iguana2005 wrote: »

I love to travel - since I've been 21 I have worked on boats, then lived in Australia, then Dublin for 1 year, then back down south(longest I lived in one spot f0r 4 years!), then NZ and now back home again.

Thing is....only home a few months and already I hate it..life here that is...but being honest I was miserable also in NZ for the last year hense reason for coming home....

People are starting to wonder why I cant settle - I would love to wake up and be content with life and be happy to move ahead...but I cant...constantly wishing for a better life...life is pretty dismal here in Ireland at present....

Brought up in alcoholic background....battling deppression all my life even though I am the life and soul of most parties...have a great personality(dont mope)..

What should I do???Mentally unstable or just a free spirit..
Time is getting on - in my late 30's now and relocating again is getting harder as is work and financially...no savings as spent on relocations even though I always end of with great jobs and pay...

Is there any area of your life that you are happy with that you feel you could build on regardless of location?

I'm the same age as you, different background in some respects but not others, and I've found that often it's down to how I feel personally that influences how I react to a location, not how the location makes me feel happy, though I could be very wrong in relation to yourself. I wake up happy to be me, or else in a foul foul mood, nothing to do mostly with where I am physically

One thing I would say in relation to your last point, if I am correct in thinking that you posted about saving on a budget recently, I'd not consider your current pay to be "great" in Ireland, I'd wonder if that is contributing to getting you down?

iguana2005

nouggatti wrote: »

Is there any area of your life that you are happy with that you feel you could build on regardless of location?

I'm the same age as you, different background in some respects but not others, and I've found that often it's down to how I feel personally that influences how I react to a location, not how the location makes me feel happy, though I could be very wrong in relation to yourself. I wake up happy to be me, or else in a foul foul mood, nothing to do mostly with where I am physically

One thing I would say in relation to your last point, if I am correct in thinking that you posted about saving on a budget recently, I'd not consider your current pay to be "great" in Ireland, I'd wonder if that is contributing to getting you down?

Yeah your right - people have always said that me to - its not the location its how you feel inside...maybe im a more 'feelings' person and find living in sunlight better...

I dont know..I really dont...I just cant believe I want to leave again and dread another location but feel my days here are boring(dull, no house as renting and pressure to buy a house, people are rough as guts, all friends married and settled,)...but felt the same way there though(NZ) BUT managed to do a lot more(sailing..travelling...people are more outgoing there..had somewhere to go every Friday night for a drink...could jog at night and feel safe while taking in the views...)

For instance I get so excited at the thought of looking for work in NZ - working in Ireland is such a small workforce and I found it very difficlt to get decent work when I returned..its who you know ...I wouldnt dream of flatting here in Ireland but would have no problems sharing a house with someone in NZ - Ireland truely depresses me...strange,,,,

Feel a psychiatric assement coming on...

iguana2005

and sorry yeah your right and posted a few things on boards.ie - I actually find it very theraputic!:)

Stheno

iguana2005 wrote: »

and sorry yeah your right and posted a few things on boards.ie - I actually find it very theraputic!:)

It is I'd imagine, kinda like a friend you can rant to who doesn't talk back much.

Anyway if I were you, I'd look at what's missing, you've mentioned the renting/not owning thing a couple of times in terms of your home arrangements, and that you feel isolated.

There is loads and loads of stuff to do out there, I was very isolated socially for years, and then got into a few hobbies and was amazed how easy it was to make a couple of friends due to social activities and what a difference that made.

That kinda translated into everything else I did, and gave me balance, just being happy about one area of my life made others so much easier to deal with if that makes sense ?

If I were you, I'd have a long hard think about what it is that you ultimately want from life, then break it down into minutae and set yourself small goals, tiny, tiny, tiny, goals to achieve on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.

antiskeptic

iguana2005 wrote: »

I love to travel - since I've been 21 I have worked on boats, then lived in Australia, then Dublin for 1 year, then back down south(longest I lived in one spot f0r 4 years!), then NZ and now back home again.

Thing is....only home a few months and already I hate it..life here that is...but being honest I was miserable also in NZ for the last year hense reason for coming home....

People are starting to wonder why I cant settle - I would love to wake up and be content with life and be happy to move ahead...but I cant...constantly wishing for a better life...life is pretty dismal here in Ireland at present....

Brought up in alcoholic background....battling deppression all my life even though I am the life and soul of most parties...have a great personality(dont mope)..

What should I do???Mentally unstable or just a free spirit..
Time is getting on - in my late 30's now and relocating again is getting harder as is work and financially...no savings as spent on relocations even though I always end of with great jobs and pay...

I might seem a bit of a curveball but see if the following rings a bell.

For as long as I could remember I was travelling. Not to different countries as in your case (although I spend a fair time abroad) but to different experiences. The experiences ranged from the kind of activity society might frown upon (and in some cases throw you into prison for) or it might be experiences which socieity would laud - like climbing the ladder of success to the highest rung.

I'd be like a ball bearing rolling along the bottom of a steel bowl in the direction of a new experience - then heading up and up into the heights of what it could offer in the hope of finding what you refer to as "better life". It was as if reaching the summit of the bowl would finally scratch the itch that always itched.

The common thread of these experiences were that they'd run out of steam after a while. My journey up the side would be slowed by the reality of boredom, overwork, too much bodily punishment. I'd finally come to a halt and gravity would pull me back down the slope and into the centre of the bowl again. Being full of energy and having that itch to scratch, it wouldn't be long until I'd head off up the side of that bowl again - this time in a new direction, with a new drug, with a new country, with a new job, with a new sexual practice, with a new hobby, with a new relationship, with a.., with a..

By my mid thirties I'd ground to a halt. I look around from my position in the bottom of the bowl (again) at all of the tracks I'd run up and slidden back down. I hadn't taken every possible route up of course: there were different drugs, more success, more sights to see, more relationships to have, more hobbies to fill my time. But I'd done sufficient of the potential routes to understand that the same would happen with all the rest of them.

Yet there was this itch that still demanded scratching. And my efforts to scratch it had become more and more damaging. Yet I still needed to get to the top of that bowl and beyond.

I was at that point I turned to an unseen, unbelieved in God and asked for help. He did... and I haven't looked back.

cafecolour

What do you want? Do actually want to be settled down somewhere, own house, have a wife/kids (perhaps) sort of thing? Or are you just feeling discontent, and because that's what everyone else does (and says you should do), you think that will make you content? Since it may not make it content, just leave you still discontented but with a mortgage and kids.

On the flipside, as you've said, up and moving every few years can get harder as you get older, especially if you have no plan. But there are certainly people who do so. You just have to better about saving money, and developing a set of job skills that are fairly transportable. Ie something like nursing, you could work a lot of different places in a pretty large variety of jobs.

Finally, what's your love life been like as of recent? That can be a pretty big source of discontentment.

pow wow

Your post is like reading something I would write (though I'm late 20s!). I dunno, for me I'd be happy to stay somewhere if I had someone to keep me there. Half of me adores travelling, moving every year or so, making new friends, trying new things etc. - the other half of me would kinda like to put down roots somewhere, and I think if I met someone who made me want to stay I would (though I would probably take off again post-breakup ). A few of my friends are of a similar opinion and one has just put off working in India because she met someone here.

Your enjoyment of the environment you live in has as much to do with the people as the actual place. If you feel you'd be miserable anywhere that's probably why. I wouldn't let anyone pressure you into feeling you should be settled by now, though it is something on your mind the older you get, especially if you're sure you don't want to be wandering forever . The longer you're away the more detached you feel from home (lol @ your rough as guts comment!) and so it's extra difficult to come back.

If you're desperately unhappy then there's nothing to stop you hopping off somewhere else, but you might end up in a similar position.

cantdecide

IMO, your problem is that you feel like an outsider. You probably expected to come home and be home yet everyone else is settled, ahead of you in every queue and probably enjoying the life that you maybe idealized for a while.

I think that you ended up at home at this time because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to commit and and you have to submit to life in Ireland. Treat it as a new destination. (For now) treat Ireland like a place that you will be staying for the foreseeable future and don't pressurize yourself into feeling that you need results fast. All the trappings of home are out there for the taking but you will have to chill for a while. Things are bad now and it's not just an Irish phenomenon.

I've always believed that if you are happy in your head, you can be happy anywhere. Get out of bed in the morning and tell yourself "I'm a happy and contented person". You will soon realise it's true...

If you eventually conclude that you have to move on, you can do at any time but really give it a go first.

petethebrick

Keep travelling and living in different places as long as you're still enjoying it I say! There's no written rule that you have to settle down by a certain age. Saying that - you should have savings at this stage. Even if it takes setting up a savings account here and lodging money in it from abroad when you get the chance.
I guarantee you'll probably find the place you want to live permanently at some stage in the years to come and it'll be good to have some nice cash in the bank then.

LegacyUser

iguana2005 wrote: »

Brought up in alcoholic background....battling deppression all my life even though I am the life and soul of most parties...have a great personality(dont mope)..

What should I do???Mentally unstable or just a free spirit..
Time is getting on - in my late 30's now and relocating again is getting harder as is work and financially...no savings as spent on relocations even though I always end of with great jobs and pay...

I don't think your backgound plays a big part in this. Some people just have itchy feet. I love travelling. I love working and living abroad, and the feeling that if I start not to like it I can move no problems, I have spent periods in America, France, Belgium, Germany. Tbh I mostly feel more at home when I'm abroad than I do when I'm here in Ireland. I just don't settle here. i prefer being somewhere new and different. I'm going to be relocating permanently with my OH to Germany in the next couple of years so I'm really looking forward to that even though it means leaving my family and friends behind here. My favourite place in Ireland is the airport and my favourite feeling is the plane taking off, with me on it.

I'm like you. the thought of settling down and staying in one place really scares me. As does the notion of enslaving myself for life to a mortgage. Scares the bejaysus outta me. I'd rather change city 3 or 4 times a year. When I go to Germany with my OH I do so in the agreement that we keep options open, we don't buy we rent, and we think about moving on whenever we feel we are in a rut. Life's too short to feel miserable on this rainy little island.

I don't think theres anything wrong with you. Someday you will meet someone like I did, for whom you will settle down to some degree. Until then enjoy the wanderlust.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't think your backgound plays a big part in this.

I respectfully disagree - The OP is not just referring to wanderlust. My reading of it is that the OP is describing a dissatisfaction with life in general, and a constant search for contentment. It's easier in the long run to get to the root of all of it, and you will not only find some degree of contentment wherever you are, but you'll be able to discern where feels good to you, and where doesn't, and do it from a place of honesty.

There's a lot of baggage there my friend. You have two options, you can start to deal with it, and know that every day from the day you start dealing with this can get a little bit easier, or you can wait around until the wheel turns and the pain gets bad enough again that you're forced to deal with it, and at which point sadly you kick yourself for not dealing with it earlier.

The baggage can be old resentments that need to be acknowledged, dealt with and moved on from. It can be fears which might no longer be relevant in your life. It can amends you need to make. You can bet that there's sure to be some deal of emotional trauma from having grown up in an alcoholic home. I can testify to that. The good news is that as you deal with each and every piece of this baggage, you will get a clearer picture of who you are and what you actually want from life, and you'll be able to take the action to get there.

My feeling is that that is what all the travelling has been about, it's been searching for that experience that will kickstart something that spirals into contentment. The thing is though, if your head is busy dealing with baggage, you don't see the opportunities and you don't recognize what's good.

So. First things first - Right action will lead to right thinking (and contentment).

Find a good counsellor/therapist. They're not all good, so don't judge the process by the first one you meet. And sometimes even a good one who might be a match for someone else, might not be the right match for you, or maybe not the right match at the right time. The bottom line is that if you don't feel like you're getting anything out of it after a few sessions, change the counsellor/therapist. Keep trying until you get the right one. I've had 4 in my life (depending on where I was living). 2 were great. 2, not so.

Don't let any bull**** preconceived notions about going to see a counsellor or therapist get in the way of doing it. You're a stronger and more decisive person for taking the action to make a change in your life.

Secondly, you might want to check out an ACOA meeting. That's Adult Children of Alcoholics. Again, don't let the idea or any preconceived notions throw you off. Go to a few, sit and listen, and make an informed decision whether it's right for you. As human beings, we tend to learn through identification, and it might be another good thing to help you out. You would be amazed at the amount of behaviours and thought patterns you get through osmosis, just by growing up surrounded by Alcoholism. You might not be an alcoholic, but you may have learned some messed up ways of coping with life through watching alcoholics as a kid.

All of this is an ongoing process, but it's never too late to take life by the reins and start. The sooner you start, the better.

Either way, if you start on this, you'll learn enough about yourself to know what you like, and if you know what you like and can act on it to have that in your life, you'll have contentment. If you've got contentment, you'll find it very easy to settle down. Because you will be in the right place, and have the right things in your life.

And that may be travelling! But you will be content in travelling and <b>really</b> experience and be present everywhere you are.