He wants kids some day... I don't.... it's early days yet, what should we do?

LegacyUser

I'm in a relationship for 1.5 years with a wonderful man who I love. We're in love and in our early-mid 20's. We'll both be finishing up college courses this year and were thinking of moving to the capital and start careers. He suggested we move in together. I sometimes think this would be great (and other times think it might be a bit scary). All good so far. One day we were speaking about life in general and he said that his parents (who are divorced) 'turned him off ever wanting marriage, but he still would like a kid some day'. I don't want kids and I told him this. We didn't bring it up again. The thought of having a kid scares the life out of me. I don't think this will ever change for me. Has anyone found that as they get older, they do want kids? (I'm 25 and definitely can not imagine ever wanting one)


What do we do??. I've read threads in the past here about people going out for years and now are breaking up over this whole 'child/ marriage' thing. By the way, I'm not looking to get married or anything... not for a long time. It's just that never it being an option is a bit strange to hear. My boyfriend said that it's the thought of raising a kid would scare him, but still would want one at some stage. So here I am thinking, what if I ever did change my mind in the future about having a kid with him- without marriage- would he just run off etc?. I know that's an awful thing to think. I want him to be as happy as possible too and I would never want to take something away from his life (ie. a child), by us staying together. Thanks in advance.

CDfm

Two issues as I see it. If a marriage breaks down the biggest hassle is reserved in family law concerns the kids.Without kids its just disentangling finances.

On children - i know two women who are completely children free and do not want kids whatsoever-ever.

sam34

tbh, this is a dealbreaker for me in a relationship.

i never want to have kids, and there is no man who would /could change my mind on that issue.

i'd suggest a long honest discussion with him, all cards on the table, before you move in with him

CDfm

sam34 is right -this is not a maybe and lets hope you will change your mind attitude from you. Its the real deal make sure he understands it and all will be well or at least better in the future.

LegacyUser

I would suggest a discussion too. I would love children someday so at this stage of my life (im 25) if I met a woman and she told me from the begining she was never going to have children then I wouldnt get involved. If I met a woman now and say 2/3 years down the line we had the discussion I would probably still leave because we both want diffirent things in our life. I may still love her but having kids is a massive factor for me. Being together 1.5 years it may be difficult. He could be thinking "ah well she said she didnt want kids but she is still young, she'll change her mind eventually" but the longer you stay together the tougher the break up will be if his heart is set on children and yours isnt.

kevmy

While I agree it's a deal breaker if one partner really wants kids and the other doesn't I think it's something you have to think about first.

Your 25 so you're quite young so maybe you haven't really thought about having kids (as many people at 25 haven't). Now is obviously the time to start thinking about it. You have to get your reasons straight. Is it something you would completely rule out - ever? Or is it something you can't see happening in your present circumstances? What if circumstances change?
Is it your financial situation? A past experience? A family issue? A career issue? A medical issue? Would you consider adoption?

I'm not asking you to answer these here. But I reckon you should think along these lines before you talk to your bf. Find your real feelings on this, not just some vague notion cos it is a deal breaker.

partyguinness

I knew plenty of women with this attitude when I was 24/25 and then one day...SNAP...a complete U-turn

Believe me..its amazing how things change when you get older. Give it 5-7 years...:)

cantdecide

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that I find it very unlikely that someone can be sure that they will NEVER want children. Maybe only in a tiny minority of cases.

If I met my dream girl and she was absolutely certain she didn't want kids and never would then it's the epitome of a deal breaker...

Nervous Wreck

Eh, you're only 25... Why not have fun and let the relationship run it's course until this becomes an actual problem (i.e. the time where you say "I want to get married" or the time where he says "I want a kid" and you can't see eye to eye). Anything before that is just preemptive for the sake of it. You don't know if either of you will feel the same way down the line, so why cut yourself off from the opportunity of

a) you both getting exactly what you want in the end

or

b) some great times spent in the mean time

?

It's a pessimistic mind that looks at a situation like this and thinks "I don't want to waste my time on someone that I love while I'm should be out there finding a donor."

LegacyUser

... hey, at your age I thought the same, because I was at the same stage you are at now - embarking on a career, new social life (new city) / lifestyle (living together etc), just enjoying being carefree and together etc - 5 years later, my mind was turning, and now at 32 having a family is what i want most in the world, having done everything else I wanted to do... My friends would have said I was definately the one who would be child-free, but ive surprised them and myself.... Is your BF saying he'd like them eventually? - clarify this, if he's hoping it to happen within the next 1-2 years, you need to have THAT talk, otherwise enjoy all the exciting new stuff about to happen to you over the next couple of years...you may surprise yourself how differently you may feel then