Finding the right girl.

LegacyUser

Hi all.

20/21 year old male here in college. I'm looking for some advice. My problem is that I can't find a girl that I actually want to go out with. There are a few girls that I find attractive enough, but when I chat with them or whatever, I find them dull and that they can't really hold a conversation about anything except how drunk they were, etc.

During my time in college I have had one half year relationship. I came to a fairly sudden realization that I was only physically attracted to her. I don't think I was a very good boyfriend anyway, but after that I must have got even worse because she broke up with me soon enough after. It was semi-mutual, no argument from me at all. Apart from that, it's just been a few random flings.

I really do want to find someone who's not just a gf, but a soulmate. Do I just have to try it out with people I'm attracted to, but can see that we'd never work or what? It's really frustrating me tbh. I dunno am I being ridiculous looking for the perfect girl or whether I should hold out. Lack of the old S.E.X is getting to me a bit there as well, Fathers.

Where are the girls for me. I don't need a brainiac, model, poet babe, but I need more than what's on offer around me. Or am I just being a jerk?

Also, I tried online dating, but that just turned out to be more of the same bollocks, if not worse.

Thanks.

SpitfireIV

I'm afraid no one, no matter how knowledgable or experienced that they might be will be able to give you the answer to your question as to whether you'll find that perfect girl.

Are you actively searching for girls to go with in order to find the right one? Thats hardly the way to do it, desperation and being very picky arent gonna help you really.

Chillax man, you're still young yet and far from being over the hill , get your life on track, do want you want to do, focus on college, do things you enjoy doing, hobbies, persuits etc etc, be happy in yourself and you may find that when you least expect it the 'perfect girl' will drop into your lap (not literally........but then you never know ).

pisslips

I hear ye buddy.

Finding ANY girl worth talking to for several hours a day is really difficult, let alone one your attracted to.

I'm absolutely convinced that people must convince themselves that their really into someone because I don't know how it happens. I mean I've definitely had infatuations and then realised, actually this is a really boring person.

In fairness, I reckon 60% of relationships are just conveniently filling the needs of the participants.

''and he was working in the cuble right next to me'',''it must have been faith''........A much more logical explanation was that it was convenient to fall in love with him because he was in the cubicle next to you.

Anyways, i'm probably just a cynic.

starbelgrade

You'll eventually find "THE" girl & then marry her. Then you'll find every other girl so much more attractive. Even the boring ones. Best of luck in your search.

Tar.Aldarion

Just have to be lucky with those you meet, 99% of women are BOOORING.

starbelgrade

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

Just have to be lucky with those you meet, 99% of women are BOOORING.

99% of engineers are also quite boring.

pisslips

66.9% of numbers are upside down.

starbelgrade

pisslips wrote: »

66.9% of numbers are upside down.

:D:D

Tar.Aldarion

starbelgrade wrote: »

99% of engineers are also quite boring.

I wouldn't know.

Snowie

starbelgrade wrote: »

99% of engineers are also quite boring.

Ive got an enginering degree and im not boreing :cool:........

any way op its like this some blokes have loads of girlfriend other dont.
U can let it gey you down think about whats wrong with you anlise your apperence what you say and how you beheave it wont do you any good..

what i would say is chill out concintrate on having fun, they apprently apear when you least expecting it...

Craft25

even the girls that just talk about how drunk they were etc. have more to them underneath if you dig a bit deeper.. all you can do is keep on trucking until you click

LegacyUser

I have similar feelings myself about the whole where is the right woman for me thing. Nearly 26 and only ever met the 1 girl I was both attracted to and found interesting enough to want to make something of it. Either im attracted to women but then find there is nothing going on upstairs or im interested but they arent doing anything for me downstairs! I dated tis girl for a while...f*cked it up though, started off great but once I saw myself falling for her I backed off cause didnt want to get hurt so she ended it. 26 years, when will the next one come along if ever! You see these people jump from relationship to relationship and wonder how they do it and start doubting yourself and questioning why you arent able to meet somebody. I think half those relationships are just convienience myself, some people just cant be by themselves. Im not gonna give up hope though that there is another person out there for me, just hopefully she feels the same. Gotta just keep trying OP, at least you have 5 years on me to find her.

LegacyUser

I'm 22 female and hey i'm single too i know where your coming from, wrecks your head

Wibbs

Not staying on topic is 100% boring so...

cantdecide

I'm in the same boat OP. Adrift in a sea of mutual boredom with 'mad' people...

Maybe it's just cos I'm a talker but jeez, I'd kill for a girl (that I'm attracted to) who is prepared to talk about stuff.

Sounds so simple doesn't it.

I found online dating rubbish for the same reason as yours. You come across someone interesting and she won't reply:(

If you get an answer OP, let me know where these girls hang out...

jellie

cant give you any advice on how to find the right girl.. will just say dont settle for someone who'll "do" for the sake of having a relationship. when you find someone special youll know

nylon

Implicit in many of these responses is the implication that attractive women are vacuous/ boring. This is both offensive and untrue.

OP, continue to pursue your interests and you're bound to bump into someone good-looking that shares them.

upmeath

Many of you (OP, Unregistered 2, cantdecide) have mentioned finding people who are interesting, who talk about stuff, who you can chat to. Here's a short piece of dialogue from Pulp Fiction that I like to bring to the attention of people who find a relationship needs to be full of (often empty and random) chat.

Mia Wallace: Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullsh!t in order to be comfortable?
Vincent Vega: I don't know. That's a good question.
Mia Wallace: That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fcuk up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

Relationships don't need to be all about the talking. Sure enough, your first impression of someone is often rooted in how easy you find it to converse with them, but after a while the focus becomes comfort in each other's presence, and not being able to bounce words off each other for hours on end.

Verbal ping pong will only get you so far with someone, in case you haven't noticed the opposition and the government in this country spend 5 years at a time bouncing words off one another and they don't like each other any more by the end of it.

cantdecide

nylon wrote: »

Implicit in many of these responses is the implication that attractive women are vacuous/ boring. This is both offensive and untrue.

Not sure if that's aimed at me but I agree. However, IME, without being bitter/ cynical, in this country people don't pressurize themselves into having real thoughts about things when 'socializing'. That's disappointing to me.

upmeath wrote: »

Many of you (OP, Unregistered 2, cantdecide) have mentioned finding people who are interesting, who talk about stuff, who you can chat to....Relationships don't need to be all about the talking....after a while the focus becomes comfort in each other's presence, and not being able to bounce words off each other for hours on end...

In a nutshell, all I want is some good company...

I can't speak for the others but my point is that when you talk, it's nice to talk to someone who thinks about, feels and knows stuff. I'm not talking about smalltalk. There's nothing worse, IMO.

No one is worse at smalltalk than me. No one is better at comfortable silences than me. There's nothing worse than trying to force conversation with someone who wishes you weren't there so they don't have to have a thought of some kind.

My quote;

"All we care about is talking. Talking only me and you":)

LegacyUser

Not sure if that's aimed at me but I agree. However, IME, without being bitter/ cynical, in this country people don't pressurize themselves into having real thoughts about things when 'socializing'. That's disappointing to me.

hey cantdecide, I know what you mean. I'm not from Ireland and I've noticed another thing: guys and girls pretty much stick together in their own groups and don't mix! If you go out for the night with a mixed group, the lads end up sitting in one corner and the girls in the other. It seems that people here have more of a problem with having a platonic relationship with the other sex. It seems in other countries people have it easier to mix with the other sex, have a chat with them, without this necessarily meaning that it has to have any consequences. Or even having a best friend of the other sex. Maybe it's the boy/girl-only school thing.

Also, in general I find people are a bit behind in the art of flirting here. A flirt can be less intimidating than chatting somebody straight away. It can also be an indicator of your chances, if a girl responds positively to your flirting, good, flirt a bit more and then brave yourself to chat her up. And it's so much fun to flirt! It boosts your confidence and who knows, something may come out of it, or not, that's the beauty of it

Blue_Wolf

You can't just find a way to skip through all the nonesense, rubbish dates, boring people to find the...ONE. It's life and part of the fun and experience. In fact you won't know it's the one if you didn't go on all those bad dates. We all pick what we like and dislike based on experience. This moulds your list into a perfect person your looking for so that you can than go on another date and tick the attributes off the list.

cantdecide

Fair enough but the problem (I believe) the OP and I share is that you simply know when you just don't find someone stimulating. It's not about being fussy or impatient, it's about knowing this girl has nothing in common with you, you have nothing in common with her and it's probably her giving you the cold shoulder and not attempting to find common ground rather than vice versa...

LegacyUser

Hey, OP here. Sorry for dragging this one out of the dust, but I thought people might like to know that I found her. She's everything I could want. Some minor complications, but I've never been so happy. Anyone who is in the situation I was in a few months ago, stay the course and do what you love and you'll find someone you love.

Peace.

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey, OP here. Sorry for dragging this one out of the dust, but I thought people might like to know that I found her. She's everything I could want. Some minor complications, but I've never been so happy. Anyone who is in the situation I was in a few months ago, stay the course and do what you love and you'll find someone you love.

Peace.

Nice one. Enjoy and treat her like the find that she is

Bajingo

Unregistered wrote: »

hey cantdecide, I know what you mean. I'm not from Ireland and I've noticed another thing: guys and girls pretty much stick together in their own groups and don't mix! If you go out for the night with a mixed group, the lads end up sitting in one corner and the girls in the other. It seems that people here have more of a problem with having a platonic relationship with the other sex. It seems in other countries people have it easier to mix with the other sex, have a chat with them, without this necessarily meaning that it has to have any consequences. Or even having a best friend of the other sex. Maybe it's the boy/girl-only school thing.

I dont know where you're coming from with that..I know when I go out in a mixed group we all sit talk with each other..sure we'll split up if we see someone we know or someone we're interested but there is'nt a divide..does it happen to you because of some kind of awkwardness?

LegacyUser

I understand entirely what you guys mean. I'm a 20y/o girl and in my experience, so many girls appear to have very little to say for themselves. They'll smile and nod and bat their eyelids and say 'omg yea toshally'. That, or they'll go out, get hooooned and spend the next few weeks proudly talking about that to anyone that'll listen. The thing is though, a lot of these girls are just cripplingly insecure and afraid to embarrass themselves by being funny or saying ANYTHING unusual.

A lot of my friends are like this. Very pretty and nice and well spoken etc but, until you REAAAALLLY get to know them, vacuous as hell. Comfortable silence is fantastic but I notice that whenever they get chatting to a guy, he's the one making all the effort at conversation. She'll be agreeing, ALWAYS AGREEING, with what he's saying and offering little else. The next day she'll be wondering why he hasn't text because he really seemed to like her but why would he?! In general, it's the girls who care a lot about what others think of them who put the most time and effort into their appearance and end up looking the most attractive. In general. They don't really get that, in a proper conversation, people like to have what they say challenged occasionally. Relaxed, cool, clever people tend to like when you say something borderline controversial because it starts friendly banter and people chill out then.

For me it's annoying because the kinds of guys I attract seem to want some airhead slut and when they discover that I'm studying a very tough course in college and that I'd rather sit and chat about something interesting for half an hour, rather than engage in the usual nightclub drty maul they're gone. So yeah, if any of you guys know somewhere in Dublin where you can meet people that tick both the attractive and interesting boxes please let me know!

G-Money

Sort of in the same boat. Seem to be suffering from a case of terminal singleness yet I look around and see people leave one relationship and start another straight away. I'd love to say it's just for convenience that they do it, or that they can't be alone and while that might be true, it's also partially true that I'm saying that in the hope of making myself feel better.

I've tried loads of internet dating etc and to be honest now, I think I'm looking and trying too hard. So as of last week, I'm officially off women. That doesn't mean I'm not attracted to them, it just means that I'm just going to try and stop thinking about getting with one, put them out of my mind and focus on something else.

I'm not saying it will be easy, it's hard to ignore a girl who makes you want to bite your fist with carnal desire. However seeing that reaction only occurs on the odd occasion.

My advice is to just forget about women for a while. Look at other areas of your life that might need work or other things you're interested in. Focus on them and let women be the last thing on your mind.

I know that's what I'm trying to do anyway.