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How to stand up to my mother for once and for all

  • 31-03-2009 6:39pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Ok, im 22 year old girl, good job and living away from home. My relationship with my Mother has been something that always bothered me when i was younger but as im becoming older and wiser its getting to the stage where i need to do something about it.
    My Mam has always been the overprotective type, wanting to know everything about my whereabouts at all times. Last year while in college i started seeing a guy and ended up having sex with him, no problems there, broke up for a while and now are seeing each other again. He was the guy i lost virginity with so by no means i slept around.
    When i finished up in college she found two condoms and the pill in a bag in my room. Went balistic, called me all the names under the sun and the like. She told me to break up with him and i refused etc. Since then things got to the stage where when i go home at weekends i don't want to be in the same room as her for fear of her shouting at me over nothing. Recent "issues" have been as follows:
    * asking me if im pregnant while im having a panic attack in the room, reason im crying is because i have headache and her shouting made it worse.
    * because my room away from home was messy the last time she saw it i was called stink and everything about me stinks.
    * shouting her head off because i come home at 4 in the morning
    *shouting at me because i choose to leave home to come back early on the weekends
    * asking me did i go to the gym this week because apparently i need to loose weight ( im size 8 to 10 )
    * told ive no friends bcause they all laugh at me
    * also blames me for getting a stroke 2 years ago because i didnt tidy my room one weekend and she was stressed trying to clear it up when i offered and she told me to buzz off that shed do a better job

    This is all really getting to me as im sick of being shouted at and being called names when i did nothing wrong and to be honest compared to others i know i have always behaved pretty well.
    Question is do you think its time for me to stand up to her or do you think that the issue is with me here and not her?
    Im just sick of being abused and haveing to constantly watch my tracks all the time due to fear of causing a row. Im a qualified teacher, independent and she still treats me like a pile of crap.
    How do people think i should stand up to her as i've taken the step to move out of home because of her and at a loss what to do next?
    Sorry for the length but needed to explain carefully.


Comments

  • #2
    iguana2005
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 226 ✭✭iguana2005


    your mum sounds like a bully and had MAJOR issues within herself. Your the innocent victim here.

    If your brave enough stop all contact with her and only talk to her under your terms.

    You should not have to put up wit that.

    My mum is an alcoholic I only talk to her when she is sober..not when drunk. And she is not allowed drink in my house.
    Different situation I know but you must take control.

    My thoughts anyhow. Good luck - stay brave.


  • #3
    aonfocaleile
    Closed Accounts Posts: 83 ✭✭aonfocaleile


    My sympathies OP - its a difficult situation. Me and mum had a similiar relationship a few years back. The way I dealt with it was to put some distance between us by moving out, which you've done.

    I am not for a moment pointing the finger at you but consider you're own role in the relationship. When you visit at weekends, do you spend time with your Mum or are you at home to see friends and socialise? Do you do anything to give your mum a hand at all when you are there or do revert to "child mode", by which I mean letting her cook and clean for you? I have no idea what the answer is but its something to have a think about. If this is the case, maybe she feels used in some way. Your Mum may be having difficulty with seeing her baby grow up and make her own way in the world - it means she is getting older and moving to a new phase in her life. Her reaction on finding contraception would suggest this (or it might be a religious thing??)

    The only thing I can suggest is to try to become friends with her and this may take time. Little gestures can go a long way, such as bringing a cake or flowers for her when you visit, for no special reason other than she's your mum. When she loses it over small things, take a deep breath, stay cool and avoid getting into an argument. Stand up to her by all means and be assertive but don't raise your voice. Getting drawn into an argument will only reinforce in her mind that you are child and need to be closely watched. Show her instead that you are an adult who can take care of herself, but at the same time let her know you appreciate her and all she has done for you.

    As tempting as it may be to cut all ties, if you feel you can salvage your relationship with her, then try hard to do this. You only get one mum and if you can get over the way things are at the moment, you could potentially have a great relationship. Best of luck.


  • #4
    Pub07
    Closed Accounts Posts: 532 ✭✭✭Pub07


    aonfocaleile wrote: »
    My sympathies OP - its a difficult situation. Me and mum had a similiar relationship a few years back. The way I dealt with it was to put some distance between us by moving out, which you've done.

    I am not for a moment pointing the finger at you but consider you're own role in the relationship. When you visit at weekends, do you spend time with your Mum or are you at home to see friends and socialise? Do you do anything to give your mum a hand at all when you are there or do revert to "child mode", by which I mean letting her cook and clean for you? I have no idea what the answer is but its something to have a think about. If this is the case, maybe she feels used in some way. Your Mum may be having difficulty with seeing her baby grow up and make her own way in the world - it means she is getting older and moving to a new phase in her life. Her reaction on finding contraception would suggest this (or it might be a religious thing??)

    The only thing I can suggest is to try to become friends with her and this may take time. Little gestures can go a long way, such as bringing a cake or flowers for her when you visit, for no special reason other than she's your mum. When she loses it over small things, take a deep breath, stay cool and avoid getting into an argument. Stand up to her by all means and be assertive but don't raise your voice. Getting drawn into an argument will only reinforce in her mind that you are child and need to be closely watched. Show her instead that you are an adult who can take care of herself, but at the same time let her know you appreciate her and all she has done for you.

    As tempting as it may be to cut all ties, if you feel you can salvage your relationship with her, then try hard to do this. You only get one mum and if you can get over the way things are at the moment, you could potentially have a great relationship. Best of luck.

    There's no need to cut all ties but the way to deal with this bitch of a mother is not to reward her with cake and flowers and being extra nice to her when she treats the OP like crap. The OP sounds like a normal rational person from her post, her mother is the one who is wound up and acting totally unreasonably. OP you are saint by compared to alot of people your age.

    The mother is way out of line and its time the OP showed her that she is not a child anymore and should be treated like an adult. The next time the mother starts her crap OP should outline to her how wrong her mother's behavior is and that she is a grown woman herself and not putting up with it anymore. And tell her if she doesn't start treating her like a normal human being she will be calling around far less in future as why would she visit just to be insulted and given out to.


  • #5
    Sinall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 813 ✭✭✭Sinall


    OP, I understand where you are coming from and I know from experience that rationally telling somebody similar to your mother that their behaviour is out of order has no effect whatsoever. People like that simply do not listen to what other people say. I tried it myself hundreds of times over the years.

    I had a very turbulent relationship with my mother until the age of 26 - I am 28 now. Once she saw that I genuinely did not buy into any of her nonsense any more there was a very subtle shift in the balance of power in our relationship. Growing up, nothing myself or my brother ever did was good enough for her, but once I fully realised that the only person I had to please was myself and that I couldn't spend my life desperately trying to please my mother, something changed in me.

    You can't change people, or their actions, or the past. All you can change is your reaction to them. In the case of your parents, you can change the way that they may have conditioned you to think and you can relearn your thought patterns.

    I went through a stage where I didn't go home for 4 months because I wasn't going to keep going back to put up with that same behaviour. The stronger you are yourself and the less you buy into your mothers behaviour the easier you will find it to cope. When my mother was having tantrums (on one occasion lying down on the floor pretending she was ill) I told her that I wasn't prepared to talk to her when she was acting like a toddler. Obviously I sent my dad up just in case she really was ill - she jumped up when he came into the room!

    You need to grow stronger yourself and I really hope this happens for you OP. Feel free to PM me anytime, as I said I've been there and I know the knock on effect it can have on the rest of your life. But I have come out the other side and am now a happy, balanced (according to me anyway!) person...so there is light at the end of the tunnel!!


  • #6
    aonfocaleile
    Closed Accounts Posts: 83 ✭✭aonfocaleile


    Just to clarify the point I made re the cake and flowers. Its not about rewarding her behaviour, its about disarming her right from the outset of a visit and neutralising her negativity. She might think twice about a rant
    when she's holding a bunch of flowers you have presented to her. And if not, at least you'll have been the bigger person and made an effort. Its an approach that worked for me. I could have written the OP myself a few years back but I now have a brilliant relationship with my mother.


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Unregistered wrote: »
    * asking me if im pregnant while im having a panic attack in the room, reason im crying is because i have headache and her shouting made it worse.

    How old was she when she had her first child? Sounds to me like she's worried about you albeit showing it in the wrong fashion.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    * because my room away from home was messy the last time she saw it i was called stink and everything about me stinks.

    How about you keep it tidy when she sees? Small price to pay for a bit of peace tbh.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    * shouting her head off because i come home at 4 in the morning.

    If you're coming home to her house at 4am she has every right. If you're coming home at college just assure her it's not every night and that you're safe. She's obviously worried about you.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    *shouting at me because i choose to leave home to come back early on the weekends.

    Again it sounds to me like she can't bear seeing you grow up and grow independent. It's not malicious imo. Just reassure her. Everyone goes through this in one form or another.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    * asking me did i go to the gym this week because apparently i need to loose weight ( im size 8 to 10 ).

    Some mothers.. Im 24, males and get asked the same thing all the time. I'm not over weight but I could stand to lose a few pounds. Just don't let her get to you. It's a petty thing to say but it probably springs from the best of intentions.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    * told ive no friends bcause they all laugh at me .

    Seems to me she is actually jealous of you're life at the moment. Did she go to college? Was she pregnant/married/settled down at a young age? My own mother was young back in the day when she got married she had to leave her job, my parents had a lage family spread over many years, and she was so busy rearing and caring for the family that she lost out on the experience of a work/social life.That's just the way it was. Now we're all grown more or less she's getting back into making friends/socialising etc. My mothers advice was go for it..make friends, spend as much time as you can with them, lifes too short etc. But on the other hand, she has also regretted her own experience to some degree, and i could see how that could turn someone a bit bitter.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    * also blames me for getting a stroke 2 years ago because i didnt tidy my room one weekend and she was stressed trying to clear it up when i offered and she told me to buzz off that shed do a better job
    .
    Blaming you is uncalled for. On the other hand is it really too hard to keep the place tidy. You're 22, you want her to treat you like an adult... you should try a bit harder to behave like one. Just keeping tidy solves a couple of your issues here.


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